Am I overreacting? Would you be insulted too?

[fiona00004]

So at my daughter's first birthday, my DH's stepdad decided to invite and bring along his mother to our home for the party. That was fine by me... we don't see other often, maybe a few times a year and I know she would like to see my children.

During lunchtime, we were all sitting at the table, I was sitting between her and my daughter and as we both watched my 1 year old pick up pieces of food and putting them in her mouth, Dh's step Grandmother says "she is quite independant! Not like your son (who is now 3). I remember him needing all sorts of distraction and toys in order for him to eat and you had to feed him and play with him at mealtimes... that is your fault you know?" I didn't know what to say...I just smiled. She said that if he was hungry enough, he would eat and that he would learn that eventually...

But now that I think back at it, I feel like I was insulted. I distracted my son with toys and books and stuff at the table because he would not eat any other way! He is not interested in any kind of daily activity... feeding, bathing, dressing.... he only likes to talk and play! That is his character. My daughter, on the other hand, will actually try to dress herself and use utensils to feed herself (and she is only 1).

I feel kind of insulted and I feel like it was inappropriate of her to say that remark to me especially at my home for my daughter's birthday. It really bugs me... this happened 6 weeks ago and I still think about it and I still tell people about it and how it bugs me!

Am I overreacting? How would you feel in this situation?

 

[MissStepcut]

I would feel the same way I feel every day of my life: like someone's trying to backseat parent. If I gave myself permission to be offended or upset every time someone pulled crap like that, I'd spend my whole life upset.

 

[amc80]

Yes you have the right to be upset, but yes, you are overreacting. Everyone has their opinion and some people don't know when to not share that opinion. It was rude of her, but I'd file that under the "oh well" category. It's really not worth getting upset over, especially since you see her rarely.

 

[missy]

Yes, she behaved rudely. FiZ, it also aggravates me when people behave rudely but I always (try to) remind myself that I cannot control their behavior but I can control the way I feel about it. But, I would not be inviting her around too often if at all. And I would be talking to the person who did invite her to please not feel free to invite people to your home again without asking you first. Rude all around (stepdad and his mom) IMO.

 

[NOYFB]

Yes, she behaved rudely. FiZ, it also aggravates me when people behave rudely but I always (try to) remind myself that I cannot control their behavior but I can control the way I feel about it. But, I would not be inviting her around too often if at all. And I would be talking to the person who did invite her to please not feel free to invite people to your home again without asking you first. Rude all around (stepdad and his mom) IMO.

This. Very well said Missy!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

It would irritate me to have someone say that, however, I am easily irritated and lots of people have said some nasty things to me over the years and I never get over it. It may not be healthy to hang on to these feelings, but I see these people all the time and the memories pop up. You are lucky you don't see this woman very often. lol

 

[JewelFreak]

Sometimes older people who have raised kids have a need to tell others how. They should keep quiet, but occasionally don't. Annoying thing to say, even if she'd known you well, which she didn't. Let it go; it's not worth hanging onto. For all you know, she may have wanted to bite her tongue right then. I'd be awfully irritated too, but this is really a first-world problem, isn't it? Is it gonna matter in your whole life? Not at all!

--- Laurie

 

[AGBF]

Yes you have the right to be upset, but yes, you are overreacting.

In my opinion, if one has the right to be upset (and in my opinion everyone does have the right to his emotions), no one can tell him how much he should react emotionally to something. (That doesn't mean that no one should tell him not to act on his emotions about something!)

I think that your husband's stepgrandmother was rude. I also think that the majority of people I meet in society now are rude. That does not mean that you do not have the right to feel angry when someone is abusive to you. It may, however, help to put in perspective that this woman was not someone whose opinion of childrearing was one you highly respected or had sought out. It was offered without being solicited and was probably about as worthwhile as most unsolicited advice.

Cheer up!

Hugs,
Deb

 

[amc80]

Yes you have the right to be upset, but yes, you are overreacting.

In my opinion, if one has the right to be upset (and in my opinion everyone does have the right to his emotions), no one can tell him how much he should react emotionally to something. (That doesn't mean that no one should tell him not to act on his emotions about something!)

Well, she did ask if she was overreacting. I believe she was, whether as an internal or external response.

 

[monarch64]

I don't know if I'd say you're overreacting. When I think about things people have said to me that offended me, I was usually offended a.) because they called me out on something in public, or b.) because they called me out on something I didn't feel totally secure about. In your case, maybe this is bothering you so much because you had a child who did not behave typically so you had to use non-traditional methods, and this might have made you feel a little bit inadequate as a parent?

As for your stepfather's wife: she was rude to say that to you, and it was neither the time nor the place. However, I think it goes back to insecurity. Everyone wants to believe that their parenting style is or was best. Some people who come across as smug probably don't feel all that great about every choice they've made or method they've used as parents, so I think they feel a need to say to others "you're doing it wrong!" because it reinforces their own need for validation.

I wish we could all just drop our egos sometimes and tell each other sincerely, "you're doing a great job!" at WHATEVER it is they're doing that is making them happy.

You did nothing wrong. I hope you're able to move past this and stop letting it bother you. Life's too short to let other people's comments nag at you. Be confident that you did the best you could with your son, and next time you see her, tell her that she's doing a fantastic job of being a Debbie Downer at family get-togethers!

 

[iheartscience]

Nothing like an uninvited guest who's also rude! I don't think you're overreacting. Next time I'd be prepared with a response to her. Something short and sweet and dismissive, perhaps "Thanks so much for your input!!!" in an aggressively sweet tone of voice? I love being aggressively nice to people who annoy me.

 

[kenny]

There's only ONE way to respond.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Sounds like a normal grandma comment. Smile and nod the same way I would when anyone tries to butt into my life. But I would not hold onto it. Does it matter if its insulting or not in the grand scheme? Her attitudes have no bearing on your life and reality.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Yes, she behaved rudely. FiZ, it also aggravates me when people behave rudely but I always (try to) remind myself that I cannot control their behavior but I can control the way I feel about it. But, I would not be inviting her around too often if at all. And I would be talking to the person who did invite her to please not feel free to invite people to your home again without asking you first. Rude all around (stepdad and his mom) IMO.

This. Very well said Missy!

Should have saved my time and just said: "ditto!"

 

[Smith1942]

The woman actually said the words "That's your fault, you know" - apropos of nothing and completely unprovoked. That is not only rude, it's actually a very aggressive direct insult.

So I think the OP has every right to be upset; however, people in life are frequently breathtakingly rude. It happens ALL the time these days, and you just have to make a conscious effort to let it go, since you can bet your bottom dollar that it happens again...and again...and again.

When I got married, I had at least five people enquire as to our banking arrangements: Did we have a joint account? Was it all separate? How did it work? Also, as a liberal woman from a conservative environment who has been married for seven years and has DARED not to reproduce yet, you wouldn't believe the bitching, the name-calling, the whispering behind my back, the insults, the curiosity that boils over into totally inappropriate remarks. No one EVER considers that I might have been trying without success for years, that my husband might have a problem, that I might have had three miscarriages. No, I'm just a selfish BESH. (Barren Evil Selfish Hag; see Mumsnet). N.B. None of those scenarios are true; but they don't know that.

My friend is unmarried at 38, and people she hasn't seen for a while think nothing of bounding up to her and bellowing, "Still on yer own, then?"! She could be at the end of her lonely tether about being single, for all they know!

My point is, I think that we all experience abject, breathtaking rudeness rather frequently these days, and I think it's an essential modern life skill not to let it eat you up inside. Easier said than done, I know. Yes, she was totally insulting but I don't really see what you can do about it, unless you want to totally start a massive family row. I know, I know. It's not fair. But that's the modern world for you.

 

[movie zombie]

as I've tried to tell my mother who is 88, "yes, you are entitled to your opinion but that doesn't mean you have to say it."
apparently, this woman is related to my mother.........

she was rude.
you have the right to parent your children the way you see fit.
be secure in knowing that some of us think you were very creative in how you got your son to eat. me? i'm impressed!
rest assured this is not the only rude comment you will ever hear re your parenting skills.
you don't see her that often as it is and you can make a point of letting others know she's not invited to your home but you will tolerate her in their home.
and the best answer you can give to someone like this is "you're entitled to your opinion", smile and move on.

 

[fiona00004]

There's only ONE way to respond.

Bahahahahaaa! Kenny, That karate kicking cat is awesome!

Ya, people can get so rude, especially about raising children! And why is it that it's only several hours later, when it is actually too late that I can come up with 'smart' responses? Hate when that happens... I guess I just freeze up when I get shocked

 

[AprilBaby]

Sounds like something my 80 yr old mil would say. Let it bounce. For some reason they seem to like to insult but she is the only one who looks stupid in the end.

 

[Polished]

You've won Fi.Z - she oversimplified a situation and you have seen past what she said with this:

I distracted my son with toys and books and stuff at the table because he would not eat any other way! He is not interested in any kind of daily activity... feeding, bathing, dressing.... he only likes to talk and play! That is his character. My daughter, on the other hand, will actually try to dress herself and use utensils to feed herself (and she is only 1).

You appreciate that your two children are two very different individuals who need different approaches. Use it as a confidence building exercise!

 

[chrono]

There will always be people who make rude comments like this and you'll get more in the future, from both family, friends and total strangers. There's nothing much you can do about it, so the best thing is to pretend you never heard it and try your best to forget it was even said. Don't take it personally as they aren't the parents and don't know how it is day to day for you.

 

[erinl]

Fi.Z--hugs to you! I have been there! And you know what? You have absolutely no idea what she was like as a parent! I have a theory that the most vocal santi-mommies or sancti-grandmothers or santi-great-grandmothers are the ones in denial or trying to rewrite history!!!

In a previous thread I vented about how older generations are the worst at judging parents now, so I won't rant again!

I have two aunts who are constantly saying stuff about my kids and what they do, and then make derogatory comments about what I and my siblings were like as kids. They are my mom's sisters and she is dead, so this is particularly hurtful since that is why they feel they can get away with it, and most of it is outright lies and is a projection about their own kids! My own aunts who have so much to say, one had kids that cried at the drop of a hat-- every time we spent time with them. Seriously, I can pull out pictures and there isn't one where at least two of her three kids aren't crying! And I am usually in the background laughing (I was the oldest grandchild) because we had to sit for like ten minutes trying to get a good picture while her kids cried, and they weren't babies! One of her kids would throw up if you didn't feed him as soon as he got hungry-- he would make himself vomit, and this was when he was 8-10 years old!

The other aunt did not discipline her kids at all-- they were animals-- seriously, would run over to you and slam his forehead into yours or bite you, he used to pee in houseplants at my grandmothers and would jam silverware into everything when we went out to eat and my aunt would do nothing!! And he was past toddler age! The two kids when they were about 7 and 12 also stole a vending machine pizza from a hotel as it was cooking and my aunt told them it served the person who left it there right-- I mean seriously, what kind of parenting is that!!!!! I throw it back at their faces and they completely deny it. Their kids were angels!

I know you don't see her very often and you probably want to keep the peace, but maybe thinking about this will help-- I promise you, she was not a perfect parent, and her judging you like that is proof of that!

Just remember, each of your children is different, they have strengths and weaknesses, and will be easier to seal with at different ages. There are so many things I have done in coping with my kids I would never have imagined doing, and it is different for both of my kids. Your husband's step grandmother has no idea!

 

[momhappy]

Would I be insulted? Maybe a little, but certainly not something to get all upset about. To me, her comment seemed to be more about how you've changed/evolved a s a parent. Like she was pointing out that maybe you are a different (more relaxed) parent with your second child as opposed to your parenting style with your first (like many of us are). Maybe she was noticing that when you had one child, she felt that you were more involved, more hands-on, etc. and now that you have two (and have to divide your time and attention between them), your parenting style may have changed a bit. People will always have opinions about how we parent. I would take her comment for what it was worth(which is not much) and just let it go.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

I think you are giving too much meaning to what the lady said. She was making conversation, and seemed to enjoy your one yr old. Frankly, I make comparisons with family members children. You see them grow, behave, misbehave and the differences between them. She commented on something in the past, not really important. You did what any mother would do, get him to eat. He was a bit difficult in that department, and she blamed on you. No big deal, IMO. She's old and forgotten what it was like.

MZ you always nail it for me. I must remember what you tell your 88 yr old mother.


Annette