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Am I totally WEIRD?

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MelissaSue

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Okay..here''s the thing.. I have NO desire whatsoEVER to go on a Honeymoon. None. Don''t want to spend the money, don''t want to take the time off work (I don''t get paid vacation yet, and even if I did, after my wedding would be a real bad time to take it). And.. we just got our new house.. which we can''t move into until we get married.. (Because my FMIL is nuts.. but that''s another story for another day). So all I want to do.. is after the wedding go back to my house, we can maybe take a few extra days off work.. but I really have NO desire to travel. To me travelling is so tiring.. so unless i have a LONG time to go for.. It just not worth it to me. I just want to RELAX after my wedding.

Well FI won''t hear of not going on a honeymoon, and to top that off, he won''t give up the orignal plan of us going to Europe. That was a great plan when we made it, when neither of us had real jobs, and his parents were going to pay for the whole thing. But.. instead, his parents paid for a good chunk of the closing costs on our house (Which I''M SOOOO happy they did instead of the honeymoon..)But.. right now.. I don''t even have extra money to pay a speeding ticket, let a lone go on a trip to europe and take a week or more off of work.. He really thinks that just because he''s FINALLY (like.. starting last month..after 4 years of nothing).. is making some significant money that we are automatically "all set"..

FMIL isn''t making my life any easier. I have expressed to her that I don''t want to take the time off of work..and she just says.. "well you HAVE to take a few days off and go SOMEWHERE".. NO! I don''t have to go somewhere!! And its not that my boss wouldn''t let me take the time off (non-paid of course).. but I''m thinking Im just going to tell them all he said I can''t.. so they''ll shut up about it..

Am I crazy?
 
I don''t think you''re weird at all. The honeymoon was one of the most stressful parts of our planning and after all of it, I''m not so excited to go on a honeymoon either! The cost is just outrageous and I could use all that money toward something more useful than a vacation. I can''t move into my fiance''s home either because of my parents'' wishes, so I''m in the same boat as you. Maybe we''re both more realists and think more in practical senses than our fiances.
 
Hey Melissa Sue,
I don''t think you''re crazy at all. I know several people who stayed in a local or driving distance B&B for a couple days after the wedding and did a big "honeymoon" trip later.

I''m hoping to do that myself ... couple days in Vermont right after the wedding in October ... then a week or two week Honeymoon trip over X-mas & New Years (when my FI is off of work anyway & it won''t take vacation time).

I would MUCH rather take a trip when I wasn''t so stressed out or exhausted after the wedding itself! People I know who DID take a honeymoon right after said it took them three days to RECOVER. That''s valuable vacation time & $$$ wasted in my eyes.

Let us know what you decide!
 
I think that''s what we''re doing as well. Our original honeymoon plans got a little sidetracked because there was a huge hike in the airfare and it ended up being way too much money. Now we''re thinking about going to a B&B for the weekend and then taking our original honeymoon on our 1-year anniversary.
 
No MS, you''re not weird at all!
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I think all travelling is inherently stressful, and with the honeymoon it''s even more stressful because of the big expectations attached to it! We''re not taking a honeymoon until sometime in ''07 and that''s just fine with me
!
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I find travel tiring also, that''s why we''re going to Hawaii and laying out on the beach!!

But if the timing and money just isn''t right, there''s no reason you can''t hold off on the trip until things get more settled... what about just a few nights away at a B&B somewhere nearby? I know FI and I were talking about a low key HM just driving down the 1 freeway (goes along the coast all the way up and down California) and taking it easy...
 
You''re not weird at all.

We spent the day after our wedding in a line outside the Embassy in London to get me a visa (couldn''t get one before we had the marriage cert) so I could come and live with my new husband in the US. I spent the next week making arrangements to sell my house, book my cat''s flight to match our own, and saying goodbye to everyone I knew.

My husband spent his total annual vacation days allowance coming to England to get married (due to residence requirements) so a honeymoon right after the wedding was out of the question for us.

Finally got our honeymoon six months later, which suited us much better.

Actually, we started a bit of a trend. Several couples we knew who got married the year after us postponed their honeymoons because it was just too much to plan for / pay for that and a wedding all in one go.

Join the trend! Late honeymooners are where it''s at
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Oh yeah, your are weird j/k. I love travelling, but it is tiring especially when it''s an active trip - a lot walking, sightseeing. I always want a vacation for the vacation if it was an active one. I don''t know about others, but I was so tired after the wedding that we went on the honeymoon a week after the wedding. Are you thinking of postponing the honeymoon or not having it at all? A trip to Europe will be tiring since it''s not one of those locations where you would just want to lounge around. Maybe you two can just take the next weekend out of town where you can relax and have a mini-moon so there isn''t too much travelling and money. Then you can have a bigger trip later if you want when you are more settle in with your job and house.
 
I can''t think of anything more romantic after your wedding than going back to YOUR house (especially if you haven''t lived there together yet,) being locked in together for a few days and begining your life as husband and wife....FMIL needs to butt out of the honeymoon discussion and let the two of you decide. I do think you should take a little time off together, just so when you go back to work you''ll feel like the fun didn''t end after the reception.

Getting your FI to postpone the HM is another matter. I think that for many guys the honeymoon is all they look forward to, that the wedding and everything leading up to it is for the bride and that the HM is the reward for all the boring girl stuff. So good luck with that side of the coin- he''s going to be a challenge!
 
MS- No, you are not crazy. I mean no disrespect, but your FMIL is! You don''t HAVE to do anything you don''t want to do.

I personally enjoy travelling. I do it quite a bit for biz, and you''d think that the last thing I''d want to do during my vacation time is travel. Nope, I still do. It must be in my blood!

Sorry I digressed! Anyway, I think that going back to your house after the wedding is a lovely idea! Maybe you can have some gal friends help out and decorate it for you all "romantic" with rose petals and tons of candles so when you get there, the scene is set!

GOOD LUCK
 
I don''t think you''re weird either. It is a lot of work, time, and trouble to plan a honeymoon nowadays on top of the wedding. Why add insult to injury by putting yourselves further in the hole by taking a vacation you can''t really afford? You''re supposed to be beginning the rest of your lives together, and I certainly don''t think you want to begin with a honeymoon that could potentially be a financial or emotional setback for you both.

We went to Vegas for a few days for our honeymoon. It was just enough time to have a nice getaway from all the wedding stuff. A week after we got back, we went to FL for my husband''s annual industry convention, where we got to see a lot of his customers who gave us wedding gifts while we were there! It was fun being newlyweds in a sea of people who''d been married for years already.

I also know quite a few couples who waited a few months to go on a "honeymoon" and were happy they waited. It gave them a chance to get things together post-wedding, and live their "real" lives for a few weeks.
 
We are more stressed trying to plan the honeymoon than the wedding! Neither of us can figure out where to go, what to do, how much to spend, blah blah. We are taking two weeks off after the wedding, so I''m thinking week one, CHILL OUT, and week two, go somewhere close by. We were thinking NZ, but I don''t think my SO can sit still that long on a plane. I don''t want to drug him, so I think we need to look closer.
 
My husband and I went to Mexico, we spent 4,000 including tax, tip, food, drinks, ect. We had REALLY wanted to go to Italy but the cost was well over 4,000 and did not incuded ANYTHING. Europe would have been excessive at the time so we canned the idea. I would love to go to Italy in maybe 5 years. We have been to Ireland, and you are 100% correct, traveling in Europe is tiring, stressful, and while wonderful...completely draining (especially after a wedding)
We are now ( 5 1/2) months later trying to buy a house. In our area of NY, 300,000 will not buy you ANYTHING decent. We are really struggling to gather a substancial down payment and let me tell you, 4,000 spent on the honeymoon would come in handy right about now! I wish we would have gone to Cape Cod.
There are so MANY reasons why going away (especially Europe) are crazy for you right now! Why not go to a nice B&B near where you live, or maybe Cape Cod, Maine, Vermont, some place like that for a few days.
We are going to Nova Scotia the first week in June, it''s not too bad price wise and I hear it''s a beautiful getaway..plus you can take the ferry from Maine which isn''t a bad drive.
Another idea- postpone your honeymoon until your 1st anniversary.
 
nah. we were thinking about that too and were pretty close to going through with it until FIs parents decided to give us a honeymoon as a wedding gift. We were just excited to be married and come home and thought the money we would have spent on a honeymoon would buy us A LOT of nice furniture. However, when someone puts a trip to Hawaii in your pocket, its kinda hard to ssay no
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Ms,

Someone posted a while ago about how waiting several months after their
wedding to honeymoon was one of the best decisions they could make.

I can totally imagine you just wanting to move into your super cute house!
I think that''s what you should do. Wait on it, and take your honeymoon when you
are ready and in NEED of that escape away.

Tybee
 
Maybe I will talk to FI about a couple day trip to Vermont or something.. I''m glad all of you understand..because my FMIL certainly doesn''t. And the thing is.. the harder I''m going to fight it, the more she''s going to push.. and then she''ll say she''s paying for it so I can''t say no. (This is a pattern with her.. if anyone is beginning to gather.. ) So I think my only way out is to say I can''t get off work... I really SHOULDN''T take the time off work..

As for my FI.. hes being really stubborn about it..but I think part of it is having his mother in his ear about it.. RIght after we bought the house was when I started thinking about not wanting to go on a honeymoon, especially not to europe.. So my original compromise plan was Disney World for a week. He seemed OK with the idea.. Until he told his mother.. and she said to him "You guys can go to disney world ANYtime.. you should go to europe for your honeymoon.." so then he started pushing me for Europe.. so it got put on the back burner for awhile.. and now here we are 2.5 months before the wedding. I dont even think its enough time to get a passport.. (mine''s expired.. he says his isn''t.. but I bet it is).. and I certainly don''t have the energy to plan a trip to europe among craziness at work, finishing up wedding stuff, getting our house ready.. etc.. etc..

Someone save me!
 
Yeah - my FMIL was pretty insistent about the HM too, but she has since come around.

We are doing what it sounds like is a popular choice - taking a few days off right after the wedding, and then taking a honeymoon later on (in our case 3 months later). I think that travel can be stressful, and is especially likely to be so when you are exhausted from your wedding.

Stand your ground and do what you and your FI want to do!
 
You''re not weird at all! The day after our wedding, we came home to our apartment to unwind for a couple of days. We opened a joint bank account for all of our wedding money and just hung out and relaxed. Then we went to Miami for 5 days--a really easy trip from NYC. We''ve been there before so it was no big deal. We just wanted to go someplace warm and relax and do absolutely nothing. If we had gone to Hawaii or Europe or any other place, it would have cost an arm and a leg and we would have felt the need to explore when all we wanted to do was chill out.

I''m sorry FMIL is giving you such a hard time. But you guys are adults and you can make this decision on your own. You can take a real trip some other time. Right now with the wedding stuff and the new house, you should just take the time to relax and settle into your new home.
 
Date: 3/11/2006 10:45:18 AM
Author: MelissaSue
Maybe I will talk to FI about a couple day trip to Vermont or something.. I''m glad all of you understand..because my FMIL certainly doesn''t. And the thing is.. the harder I''m going to fight it, the more she''s going to push.. and then she''ll say she''s paying for it so I can''t say no. (This is a pattern with her.. if anyone is beginning to gather.. ) So I think my only way out is to say I can''t get off work... I really SHOULDN''T take the time off work..


As for my FI.. hes being really stubborn about it..but I think part of it is having his mother in his ear about it.. RIght after we bought the house was when I started thinking about not wanting to go on a honeymoon, especially not to europe.. So my original compromise plan was Disney World for a week. He seemed OK with the idea.. Until he told his mother.. and she said to him ''You guys can go to disney world ANYtime.. you should go to europe for your honeymoon..'' so then he started pushing me for Europe.. so it got put on the back burner for awhile.. and now here we are 2.5 months before the wedding. I dont even think its enough time to get a passport.. (mine''s expired.. he says his isn''t.. but I bet it is).. and I certainly don''t have the energy to plan a trip to europe among craziness at work, finishing up wedding stuff, getting our house ready.. etc.. etc..


Someone save me!

Oh Melissa what a stressful situation! But in all honesty, I think you have to save yourself!! You are a grown woman who is getting married to a grown man and starting your own family, right? You have to make your own decisions as a family now, and can''t just let your parents tell you what to do. Now if your FH really does want a European honeymoon, then that''s something you need to discuss with him alone. Ask him if that what he really wants, or if he''s just doing what mommy wants. And I hope you''re not offended, but it sounded like you think it''s the latter, and if that true you''ve got a problem. Your man should be making his decisions not because of him mom, but for the two of you! Anyways, I really think you should talk about this more with your FH.

And then about your FMIL, you basically said you are going to lie to her to give her a reason of why you can''t go to Europe. First of all, I''m thinking it''s not a great way to start out a relationship with your FMIL and second of all, you need to stand up for your decision! Everyone has already told you that your''e not crazy for not wanting a honeymoon, I think that''s perfectly fine too. So if you as a couple come to the decision not to go to Europe, tell your FMIL in all honesty that you do not wish to go. If you want to go to Disneyworld, go! And if you don''t have the money to pay for it, don''t go! She can go cry herself to sleep if it upsets her that much
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(Sorry for my perhaps over-enthusiam on this subject! I just don''t want to see your FMIL controlling your lives, because that could have potential to ruin a marriage
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...)

Good luck, Melissa
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Date: 3/11/2006 10:45:18 AM
Author: MelissaSue
Maybe I will talk to FI about a couple day trip to Vermont or something.. I''m glad all of you understand..because my FMIL certainly doesn''t. And the thing is.. the harder I''m going to fight it, the more she''s going to push.. and then she''ll say she''s paying for it so I can''t say no. (This is a pattern with her.. if anyone is beginning to gather.. ) So I think my only way out is to say I can''t get off work... I really SHOULDN''T take the time off work..

As for my FI.. hes being really stubborn about it..but I think part of it is having his mother in his ear about it.. RIght after we bought the house was when I started thinking about not wanting to go on a honeymoon, especially not to europe.. So my original compromise plan was Disney World for a week. He seemed OK with the idea.. Until he told his mother.. and she said to him ''You guys can go to disney world ANYtime.. you should go to europe for your honeymoon..'' so then he started pushing me for Europe.. so it got put on the back burner for awhile.. and now here we are 2.5 months before the wedding. I dont even think its enough time to get a passport.. (mine''s expired.. he says his isn''t.. but I bet it is).. and I certainly don''t have the energy to plan a trip to europe among craziness at work, finishing up wedding stuff, getting our house ready.. etc.. etc..

Someone save me!

Well, guess what! Europe isn''t going anywhere either
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so just like Disney, you could go there any time! If anything, you can get better prices on airfare and hotels and things will be less crowded if you go in the fall or next spring or something. It is stressful planning the trip, why not wait until you can fully enjoy such an expensive vacation to make the most of it?! I''m sorry that your FMIL won''t butt out! If she''s not financially involved with that decision any more, she really shouldn''t have a say. She may just worry that you''re passing up on an awesome excuse to splurge on this vacation and maybe worried that you guys won''t get around to it again? A lot of people pass up on the chance to take that splurge vacation and there are always going to be other expenses that pop up and delay the trips. But really, if you''re not getting a paid vacation, I definitely wouldn''t take a long one. Just starting off and moving into a new place is going to have a lot of unexpected expenses...so why not just comrpomise and take a long vacation. I mean, that''s you being ok taking a few days and him being ok with a shorter less expensive trip...but I think it would be a good solution. And make him plan it if it is going to stress you out! I''m sure you''re playing a more hands on role with the decisions for the wedding and everything coming up, so if he really wants to go away, tell him to do that so it isn''t all on you. Maybe Europe would be a great way to celebrate your first anniversary, and then you have way more time to plan and perfect the trip.

Good luck with the decisions!

Oh, and fyi, you can pay a fee to expedite passport processing...I''m sure the fees have changed but it was an extra $30 or so on top of the $60 basic fee when I got mine in 2001. And when you travel it is recommended you come back at least 6 mos before the expiration date.
 
No, the HM thing isn't wierd on your part...


But why are you tolerating this from you FMIL? Did someone twist her arm to pay the closing cost on your house? Are you somehow indebted to her? Just from dealing with a very nosy FMIL for eight years my opinion is that you need to tell your FI to talk to her--seriously--and have her realize this behavior is not acceptable. Period. If he won't do that I'd say you've got bigger issues than the HM.

And why won't she *allow* you two to move in? Is it your house or isn't it?
 
I don''t think you''re weird. I don''t like being away from home for more than 4 days so I''m not too concerned about taking a honeymoon either but FI inisists.
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Melissa why cant you guys move in til after you get married? Is it because the FMIL paid the closing costs and she is trying to control things?

Greg made a comment the other day about how happy he was that we didn't let our respective parents try to give us any help with our house, because then they have asolutely no say on how things go or what we do. At the time it seems like it'd be a good idea to take some help to just make things easier, but we forged on ahead without it and it was probably one of our best decisions.

My dad did give us a nice pre-wedding gift which translated into new blinds/window coverings for the whole house which was fine but it's not like they could ever say anything about it...other than the blinds look nice or i wish you had chosen another color..ahha.

Anyway I don't think it's odd to not want a huge honeymoon after the stress of the wedding etc, esp if you will then be able to move into your house, it's like a gift/honeymoon right there! But maybe something like a short weekend away would be nice, just to get away from everyone, we had a fab time in Hawaii for our wedding but we were SO excited to leave and go off on our own for a week to Tahiti, but it could have been practically anywhere and it would just have been nice to get away on our own and spend some quality time together as a newly married couple.

You'll figure it out, good luck...you guys are adults so don't let the parents over-control things, they will typically always try a time or two.
 
No you''re not weird at all. Sounds like a controlling FMIL. I would tell her that you are planning something as far as a honeymoon is concerend just to get her off your back. You guys have so much stress with the wedding, the new house. How about a delayed honeymoon. One you can take when you can really enjoy it?? Europe is not cheap and is stressful too if done on a short time frame. I say put our foot down and don''t let her run your life. Also don''t take anymore money from them. Once you do they think they have a say in everything you do. You''re going to figure this out. Just be honest and don''t let them push you into something you aren''t comfortable doing. Oh and good luck!!!
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My MIL was controlling until I put my foot down. Ughhh.
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Hey all - Just got back from dinner with FI, FMIL and FSIL.. FMIL started on the honeymoon thing again.. and Jeff started pushing for Europe. I told them both flat out that if we were going to europe it would not be at least til fall, and if he wanted to do something for a honeymoon immediately after the wedding it would be a short 2-3 day trip. I was pretty firm about it.. maybe even a little nasty.. And.. FI agreed..He actually said that we should wait to go to europe until we both get paid vacation and have some money saved up.. and FMIL shut up.. lol.. So.. its all good.. except I don''t even know if i want to do the short honeymoon thing.. We''ll work something out though..

The situation with her is complicated.. but yes.. she does keep us, especially him.. indebted to her so she has control. The thing is.. is she goes about it in a way that seems so sweet and well meaning, we hardly realize she''s doing it.. He says that she has basically held things over his head before that she has done for him.. but she''s never done anything like that in front of me.. She is controlling though.. She''s a bit of an issue.. but I''m aware of what she does..usually she''s not a problem. The only time it causes problems is if she and FI both agree on something that I disagree with they kind of "gang up" on me..or sometimes she''ll convince him of something if she doesn''t like what I am doing or something and get him to try to make me do what she wants.. but like I said.. I''m FULLY aware of what she does..

The not moving in together thing doesn''t really have anything to do with us being indebted to her though, and more that FI just would not do that as more of a respect thing to her. She doesn''t believe in it.. so he won''t do it.. She''d really be upset..He actually doesn''t even spend the whole night with me.. because his mom won''t stand for the idea. So, the poor guy falls asleep with me and then gets up at 1 or 2 in the morning and drives home and goes back to sleep.. Its crazy, I know.. but I stopped letting that bug me 3 years ago. Its fine. It just makes me look forward to getting married that much more!
 
Date: 3/11/2006 10:37:27 PM
Author: MelissaSue
So.. its all good.. except I don''t even know if i want to do the short honeymoon thing.. We''ll work something out though..
I think it''s great that you aren''t being bullied into a whirlwind honeymoon to Europe, but it seems that your FI does want some sort of honeymoon, and if he does, it seems only fair to compromise and do some small get-away.

Even though everyone gets caught up on the bride, a wedding does involve two people, and a honeymoon of some sort may be important to him.
 
Nope not weird at all! I don''t feel like planning my honeymoon either. I think it''s silly to force yourself to go somewhere right after the wedding just for the sake of having a honeymoon. I do want to have a vacation this year. But I don''t want the wedding to dictate when I have to go or where I should go.
 
Nah, you''re not weird, you''re super weird! Just kidding! I''ve been lurking for a long time, and have read some of your planning, so I think you are due a relaxing time after your wedding.

From my moniker you can probably guess that I LOVE to travel. The idea of planning a wedding is horrifying to me. Planning a honeymoon sounds great! I love looking into hotels, restaurants, areas of cultural interest etc. I am bummed we will not be taking a honeymoon after our wedding because his family is coming over from Australia, and our time off will be to hang out with them while they are here. Like many others, we''ll probably take it a year later...more of a refreshermoon! We''ll probably need it more a year later anyway, when life goes back to being mundane.

BTW, I met my boyfriend in Europe - Czech Republic to be exact. Europe was our dating ground...we met in Italy for Gelato, Salzburg for Schnitzel, etc etc. But I will tell you that for a honeymoon, I don''t think Europe would be the most relaxing thing. Especially if you haven''t traveled much before (I don''t know if you have or not). People often say a couple can get along great, until they travel! You would be amazed at what kinds of things send couples into tifs or full on fights. If you go to a non-speaking country, it adds to the stress - because believe me, you WILL get lost. Then someone gets to try to ask for directions with charades. And it can be exhausting...you are all the way in Europe so you feel like you should go out and see things instead of wasting time just laying in bed in the hotel room....which is exactly what you probably SHOULD be doing! :)

Don''t get me wrong, lots of people go to Europe for their honeymoon and enjoy it. But having done the Europe thing for many months in a row, for my honeymoon, I''m all for something with a nonstop short flight, and totally brainless. :)
 
Y''all should have the European honeymoon for your 1st wedding anniversary...plus you''ll have a year to research, plan, and save for it.

We are have about 3 days between wedding and honeymoon for us to relax and pack and unwind from the wedding, then 5 days for the honeymoon, and then we get back we''ll have memorial day off from work, so a day to rest before going back to the office.
 
Date: 3/11/2006 10:37:27 PM
Author: MelissaSue
Hey all - Just got back from dinner with FI, FMIL and FSIL.. FMIL started on the honeymoon thing again.. and Jeff started pushing for Europe. I told them both flat out that if we were going to europe it would not be at least til fall, and if he wanted to do something for a honeymoon immediately after the wedding it would be a short 2-3 day trip. I was pretty firm about it.. maybe even a little nasty.. And.. FI agreed..He actually said that we should wait to go to europe until we both get paid vacation and have some money saved up.. and FMIL shut up.. lol.. So.. its all good.. except I don''t even know if i want to do the short honeymoon thing.. We''ll work something out though..
Glad to hear it worked out--for now. The end result is what I was going to suggest: do a mini-moon now and the Europe trip later. Going to Europe is TIRING! You''re not just lying around a beach (unless you''re in Cannes or St. Tropez!), you''re sightseeing and getting on trains and moving around alot. UGH--too much to plan right after all the work of planning your wedding AND renovating your house!

If you don''t want to even do the mini-moon thing, could you at least get a nice suite at a local hotel for a night or two to compromise? After all, compromise is going to be the key to happiness in your marriage...
 
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