An ex and an apartment (sorry so long)

[diamondfan]

I might respond the the ex''s email, and thank her for her nice wishes, tell her you are looking forward to sharing your lives (or something like that, how happy and excited you two are etc) and end it. I would not get into a back and forth with her. She hurt him, and she is still on the fringes of your world via the brother and it is odd she would expect you to apologize on her behalf to your fiance. Bizarre all around.

As for the apartment, I am of two minds. I would not skip getting something great over the brother unless it is really impossible. You can avoid the one upsmanship if you do not participate. Try not to tell them intimate things and keep your distance, why should YOU lose out? As for the parents, it is nice to make things convenient for them, fine, but if they pit you two against them, I would have hubby nicely tell them to cool it. Boundary setting is nearly impossible but super critical so start laying the groundwork now.

 

[iheartscience]

Wow, that is weird about the ex. I would write her back a short e-mail for sure, and I know the one I''d pick-ephemery''s! It''s seriously perfect. ephemery, you''re my passive=aggressive hero! I''m usually just plain aggressive!

But, you can always just go with a completely polite e-mail like what neatfreak suggested. Either way, I''d at least mention it to your fiance. You don''t have to go into details, but I think you should just in case it comes up. I''m definitely not the secret keeping type so I tell my boyf pretty much everything!

As far as the condo goes, I''d skip it since you''re already very worried about it. It sounds like it wouldn''t be a good situation for you or your fiance. Explain nicely to your fiance what you explained to us and stick to your guns!

 

[Cehrabehra]

as for #1 how about a very short "I am glad you have learned from this, I wish you the best of luck moving on."

 

[diamondfan]

Ephemery is dead on. I think the girl is reaching out to establish primacy in the situation, you have recency, you have him, but she had him first. Further, SHE ended it, so it is different because he was broken up with. She is making sure you know that, and it all intended to rattle you in mho. I see that this is not a totally benign well wishing gesture. I normally would say not to reply but she is around the sphere and it is best to be simple, sweet and nail her, so she knows this is not that start of something. She is pretty egotistical to be putting that out there, as if he needs an apology to feel okay about things (hello, he is getting married, clearly he is recovered!!). Is she married or involved? I would be curious, and tend to think not, or else she might have left it alone. But if you are sweet, and just be honest, well, gosh, X and I are so happy, all that is in the past, no need to apologize, as you can see he has gotten over it, no need to be seeking forgiveness...wishing you the best in whatever you do...blah blah, so she sees she has not gotten to you. If I did not get that type of reply, I might think I had gotten to you. She is still in communication with the brother so I would nip it in the bud. If you say nothing, she can assume all sorts of things, but if you put it out there in Ephemery's format, the door is closed, there is no second guessing involved. She then needs to walk away or look desperate and like SHE is the one not okay with things.

 

[lumpkin]

Date: 7/11/2007 10:15:47 AM
Author: Madam Bijoux
I would respond to the ex''s e-mail with something short and sweet like ''Thank you for thinking of us. We wish you all the joy that we now have together.''

As far as the apartment goes, I would try to find something a little farther away from the brother. Living too close to in-laws can be problematic.

And Mara''s:

"i wouldn''t even respond most likely. i always think about what i''d do in the situation for a few days and mull it over and then in the end i have to really ask myself what i would be doing by responding. making myself feel better? making the other person feel better? really just opening a can of worms? what is the real point.
if there IS no real point in the end then i wouldn''t just respond. to me that says more than any type of response really. and also i really hate getting into ''back and forth'' kind of email exchanges which can easily spiral into other types of things. "

I would go with one of these. If you feel you must reply, just acknowledge that you got her email and thank her without acknowledging all her garbage. To me this was definitely a manipulative move to give you the oooogies. Frankly, if she has something to say to your FI, she should speak directly to him. As for hanging out with the BIL, maybe that''s just bulloney, as I think most of the rest of the email is. Why on earth would she contact you anyway? How did she get your email address? Very weird. I would tell my FI I got this, but I would not forward it in email. I would discuss it with him in person and ask him if his brother is indeed carrying on a friendship with his ex. If so, I''m not sure what you can do about it, but at least your FI will not be caught off guard if it comes up in conversation with others.

As far as the condo, if you aren''t 100% sold, don''t do it.

 

[monarch64]

The ex-FI is clearly insane for even sending the email in the first place, let alone insinuating herself into your FBIL''s group. Blech. Honestly I would rise above and ignore her email, but I would mention it to your FI, no sense in withholding info like that from him, imo. Don''t let this woman bother you, jenstone, i think it''s clear that her intentions in this situation are not pure at all. Just ignore her and let her continue to make an a$$ of herself.

 

[luckystar112]

I think neatfreak''s is very tongue-in-cheek. I love the use of "incredibly happy" and "start our life together." I think it gets the point across. I love how it is one line...simple and kind of "professional". Like, "I''m not stupid..lady." And it gives it kind of an "ending" so that psycho ex won''t find a reason to write back. But I wish there was some acknowledgement of the utter ridiculousness of her apologizing for her failed relationship. Maybe saying somthing like, "We are very happy to have finally found eachother". I think that would give off the impression that any relationships BEFORE were insignificant, which in turn will make her feel like an idiot for apologizing.

Ephemery''s is good too...but I wonder if she would write back after. I know if I got that email I would feel compelled to write back. Especially saying the "I''m really glad you decided to write me." No you''re not...you never want her to write back ever again! I think it definitely hits the "passive agressiveness" that we are looking for, but I almost think it is TOO subtle. You don''t want her to think that you guys are friends after. haha. Could you imagine?

I think these two ideas need to be combined. Keep it simple, but let her know you aren''t an idiot.


BTW...has anyone stopped to consider that she was sincere and maybe just wants some wedding cake? lol

 

[JenStone]

Thank you everyone for your advice! You guys are the best....

I decided to forward the email to my FI in its entirety. He was very nonchalant about it and actually thought it was a little funny.

In the email, she made it seem like she hangs out with my FI''s brother all the time. However, when my FI asked his brother about it, it turns out that she''s only a friend''s coworker, and he only saw her twice. One of those times, he didn''t even talk to her!

Based on this information, I think I WILL email her back, using neatfreak''s or ephemery''s suggestions....hmmm....