annoyed... ERRRRRR

[amy_dub]

So was talking to BF last night, and previously he said we''d be engaged by 09/08/07 (our 7 year anniversary)... well that came and went... so then he says we''ll be engaged BEFORE I graduate which is May 18, 2008...

Well, was talking with him last night... and he''s pushing it even further back. He then proceeds to calculate all these numbers, and living cost and such that we would incur during our first year of marriage..

I''m really annoyed because I know once I graduate in May I have grad school in the fall, and getting married during grad school doesn''t sound so exciting because that is a TREMENDOUS amount of stress.. I just want an engagement

I feel like this relationship is going nowhere.. like we''re just going to date our entire lives...

 

[Independent Gal]

Hmmm... well, if I were you, that''s exactly what I''d be thinking too. I don''t mean to sound harsh (and I don''t remember your story from other posts... will check back) but maybe this relationship IS going nowhere. I mean, after 7 years, what could he possibly need THAT MUCH more time for?!?

If it''s money for living together, well, living apart costs more.

If it''s money for a ring, well, get a temporary one with a gemstone and go from there.

 

[bee*]

I would sit down and ask him when he is thinking of getting engaged. I was with D over 8 years so I know what it is like to be with someone for many years without getting engaged. It would bother me that he said one date and has now given you another date next year and now he is already sure that date isn''t going to be it either. I can understand the money thing, I went back to college to do another degree over 2 years ago, but I work and we will be able to manage on both our wages. I''m sure you and your bf can work out the same kind of plan. Not sure if there'' any advice specifically that I can give you but I would see what the extra hold up is-if it''s money it''s fixable, if it''s something more than you have to find out what it is-is he just not ready, feels too young etc?

 

[NewEnglandLady]

This brings back bad memories of my relationship with then-BF, now-husband before I moved out. I have a few questions:

1. Who pushed for 9/8/07, then 5/18/07? Did he tell you that out of the blue or did you push for a date?
2. Has he given you any other reasons for not wanting to be engaged other than the costs associated with it?
3. Is he actively trying to save his money? Is he buying any "toys" for hmself?

If nothing else I learned two things while I was in limbo--1. Words are meaningless, actions are what matter and 2. There is FINE line between a reason and an excuse. For the record, I absolutley believe that not being financially secure is a valid reason for not being ready, but the key is what he''s DOING about it. My DH and I also dated for 7 years, but the engagement didn''t come up until after we were both independently financially secure, so that was a non issue. But he would give excuses like "I feel too much pressure, we''re bickering too much (about getting engaged), etc." but the REAL reason was that he just wasn''t ready. He didn''t tell me because he was afraid I''d leave him, but by that time I''d already set my internal deadline, found an apartment, packed up my stuff and was leaving.

I''ll tell you what, when he was ready a pack of rabid polar bears couldn''t have stopped him from proposing.

So it''s obvious that he''s not ready and doesn''t think he will be for AT LEAST another six months since he''s already pushed that deadline back. But if I were you, I''d want to get to the bottom of this. If it really is about the money, then you guys can create a plan TOGETHER to make it work. If that means saving more money now or getting a plain band instead of a traditional e-ring--just a plan that works for BOTH of you. If he''s not interested in doing that, then I think you can tell it''s an excuse and not a reason.

 

[sunnyd]

sorry in advance, you may not like what i have to say.

you said you''ve been together for 7 years, but you''re also just graduating from college, which makes you 21 or 22, yes? i say give it some time still. there''s a lot of growing that occurs right out of school. living in ''real life'' is a lot different than ''school life''. i''ve been there. i started dating my ex my freshman year, called it quits after i graduated because we wanted different things. sad, but it happens.

i agree that 7 years is a looong (looooooong) time to wait, but if you started dating in high school...that''s different. maybe that''s just me!

anyhoo, enjoy what you have lady!! when it happens, it''ll make it that much better!! good luck to you!

 

[amy_dub]

Ok, so FF DOES want to get married, he tells me every day he wants to. He works full time which requires him to travel, so he''s currently living at home with the parents, although he''s not home that much. He''s saving his money so we can get engaged/married and not having to pay for a place right now (which he wouldn''t get to use anyway) helps. A major thing is that we disagree on a ring. I know the exact ring I want, we went to the store, tried it on, and got a price quote. He says "Why can''t i just buy a ring...it shouldn''t matter what it is or where it comes from.. it should just matter that I love you."

True, it shouldn''t matter THAT much about the ring, but I don''t plan on EVER upgrading or changing rings, and if this is something i''m going to wear the rest of my life, I want to love the ring. I''ve very picky about jewelry, which makes it even more difficult for my dear FF. I''m very traditional about engagements & weddings, so I don''t want a "temporary" ring, or to get engaged without one. As I said in a previous post, I don''t want a look-a-like of the ring i want, because it''s just not the same. Every look-a-like or "inspired by" ring i''ve seen just doesn''t "do it" for me. I don''t like the band, or the diamond, or the prongs are wrong or it''s got a basket that hides the diamond.

He hasn''t been buying "toys" for himself, at least not things that are overly expensive. Every now and then he does buy an xbox game.. but what guy doesn''t? I did, however, almost blow a fuse when he said he was thinking about buying a $1000 rifle.. He changed his mind when his family finally gave him the gun his grandfather left to him when he passed away 17 years ago.

He says if I picked out a different ring we''d get engaged a lot sooner.. I told him yesterday about a mutual friend putting a ring on layaway for his GF of 2 years, and he''s all "you mean K & M are gooing to get married before us? Why can''t i just go buy you a ring? M didn''t get a say in HER ring?" So, I guess it''s my own doing.. if I wasn''t so dead set on this stupid ring...

 

[neatfreak]

Sure sounds like its your fault to me. YOU are set on a perfect ring, which I assume is way out of your BF's price range based on your and his comments (and if it wasn't I assume he wouldn't have a problem buying it, right?). It's just a symbol. Get over it because you can't always get what you want...

If you're really ready and mature enough to be engaged, then you should know it's about the marriage not the ring.

 

[amy_dub]

Date: 11/14/2007 10:10:37 AM
Author: neatfreak
Sure sounds like its your fault to me. YOU are set on a perfect ring, which I assume is way out of your BF''s price range based on your and his comments (and if it wasn''t I assume he wouldn''t have a problem buying it, right?). It''s just a symbol. Get over it because you can''t always get what you want...

If you''re really ready and mature enough to be engaged, then you should know it''s about the marriage not the ring.

It''s not out of his price range, he''s just insistant on paying for the entire ring up front.. and he just started saving for a ring a few months ago. He likes just a plain solitare.. just a stone and plain band...and I hate solitares.. It''s not that he has a problem buying it, it''s just that he refuses to have to make payments on a ring. in fact he doesn''t make payments on anything. Which i blame on his parents, because they are very funny about things.. but that''s a whole other book in itself.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 11/14/2007 10:21:23 AM
Author: amy_dub

Date: 11/14/2007 10:10:37 AM

Author: neatfreak

Sure sounds like its your fault to me. YOU are set on a perfect ring, which I assume is way out of your BF''s price range based on your and his comments (and if it wasn''t I assume he wouldn''t have a problem buying it, right?). It''s just a symbol. Get over it because you can''t always get what you want...


If you''re really ready and mature enough to be engaged, then you should know it''s about the marriage not the ring.

It''s not out of his price range, he''s just insistant on paying for the entire ring up front.. and he just started saving for a ring a few months ago. He likes just a plain solitare.. just a stone and plain band...and I hate solitares.. It''s not that he has a problem buying it, it''s just that he refuses to have to make payments on a ring. in fact he doesn''t make payments on anything. Which i blame on his parents, because they are very funny about things.. but that''s a whole other book in itself.

Follow the logic here...if he CAN''T pay up front for something, AND would need to make payments on it, he CANNOT afford it. Simple as that. And "blaming" his parents? Sounds like they raised him with the right values one of which is that you shouldn''t ever put luxury purchases on credit.

Sorry Amy...there is just no sympathy here for that part of the story. Sounds like he''s stalling because he can''t afford what you want...meaning that either you wait until he saves up enough for it, or you adjust your demands. But it sounds like you could be engaged next week if that is what it really was about for you....

 

[Efe]

Date: 11/14/2007 10:21:23 AM
Author: amy_dub

It''s not out of his price range, he''s just insistant on paying for the entire ring up front.. and he just started saving for a ring a few months ago. He likes just a plain solitare.. just a stone and plain band...and I hate solitares.. It''s not that he has a problem buying it, it''s just that he refuses to have to make payments on a ring. in fact he doesn''t make payments on anything. Which i blame on his parents, because they are very funny about things.. but that''s a whole other book in itself.

Please take that back. His parents sound like they did a great job raising him with strong and sensible financial values. This guy is a true GEM and if I were you I would accept a proposal with a bubble gum ring.

 

[amy_dub]

we basically can''t agree on rings. He insists it a 1ct solitare, because "I want it to be monsterous on your hand" I don''t want monsterous, I don''t want to draw attention to myself.. I just want something I like. It''s not that I want this one specific ring, it''s just I haven''t found anything else I like. Everything he''s shown me I really dislike. I don''t like solitares, I don''t like 3 stones, I don''t like miligraining, i don''t like surprise diamonds, I like rings that sit lower, but i don''t like for the diamond to be hidden.

i give up.. and apparently everyone here thinks i''m immature for not liking what he likes, for not just sucking it up and pretending to put on a happy face over something that makes me want to vomit.

 

[ravengirl]

Whoa...I don''t think the ladies here are telling you to "just suck it up and pretend to put on a happy face over something that makes me want to vomit." If you really want the ring that you want, you are going to have to wait. I think that''s whats being said.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 11/14/2007 11:07:34 AM
Author: ravengirl
Whoa...I don't think the ladies here are telling you to 'just suck it up and pretend to put on a happy face over something that makes me want to vomit.' If you really want the ring that you want, you are going to have to wait. I think that's whats being said.

Yup. Just saying that you need to adjust your expectations for either the engagement timeline OR the ring.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 11/14/2007 11:01:39 AM
Author: amy_dub
we basically can''t agree on rings. He insists it a 1ct solitare, because ''I want it to be monsterous on your hand'' I don''t want monsterous, I don''t want to draw attention to myself.. I just want something I like. It''s not that I want this one specific ring, it''s just I haven''t found anything else I like. Everything he''s shown me I really dislike. I don''t like solitares, I don''t like 3 stones, I don''t like miligraining, i don''t like surprise diamonds, I like rings that sit lower, but i don''t like for the diamond to be hidden.

i give up.. and apparently everyone here thinks i''m immature for not liking what he likes, for not just sucking it up and pretending to put on a happy face over something that makes me want to vomit.

Wow, a ring from the man you love, even though it may not be THE ring makes you want to "vomit?"

You are on a forum where we are all diamond and ring lovers, so I think everyone can understand wanting to get the ring of our dreams. But most would agree that given the choice of the man of our dreams and the ring, the man would win out.

It would be nice to have your cake and eat it too, but sometimes life doesn''t deal you those cards. Your man does seem like he has his priorities in line, and I think gals are just saying it seems that you should get yours more in check based on the tone of your posts.

BTW, if you DO get a ring and it''s not the one you want, I suggest using your right hand to catch the vomit...or invest in an ultrasonic. Vomit gets crusty.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/14/2007 11:38:22 AM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 11/14/2007 11:01:39 AM
Author: amy_dub
we basically can''t agree on rings. He insists it a 1ct solitare, because ''I want it to be monsterous on your hand'' I don''t want monsterous, I don''t want to draw attention to myself.. I just want something I like. It''s not that I want this one specific ring, it''s just I haven''t found anything else I like. Everything he''s shown me I really dislike. I don''t like solitares, I don''t like 3 stones, I don''t like miligraining, i don''t like surprise diamonds, I like rings that sit lower, but i don''t like for the diamond to be hidden.

i give up.. and apparently everyone here thinks i''m immature for not liking what he likes, for not just sucking it up and pretending to put on a happy face over something that makes me want to vomit.

Wow, a ring from the man you love, even though it may not be THE ring makes you want to ''vomit?''

You are on a forum where we are all diamond and ring lovers, so I think everyone can understand wanting to get the ring of our dreams. But most would agree that given the choice of the man of our dreams and the ring, the man would win out.

It would be nice to have your cake and eat it too, but sometimes life doesn''t deal you those cards. Your man does seem like he has his priorities in line, and I think gals are just saying it seems that you should get yours more in check based on the tone of your posts.

BTW, if you DO get a ring and it''s not the one you want, I suggest using your right hand to catch the vomit...or invest in an ultrasonic. Vomit gets crusty.

I could say a lot of things, but TG has already said it a thousand times better than I would. So ditto!

 

[littlelysser]

Date: 11/14/2007 11:01:39 AM
Author: amy_dub
we basically can''t agree on rings. He insists it a 1ct solitare, because ''I want it to be monsterous on your hand'' I don''t want monsterous, I don''t want to draw attention to myself.. I just want something I like. It''s not that I want this one specific ring, it''s just I haven''t found anything else I like. Everything he''s shown me I really dislike. I don''t like solitares, I don''t like 3 stones, I don''t like miligraining, i don''t like surprise diamonds, I like rings that sit lower, but i don''t like for the diamond to be hidden.

i give up.. and apparently everyone here thinks i''m immature for not liking what he likes, for not just sucking it up and pretending to put on a happy face over something that makes me want to vomit.

Um, I think people think you are being immature because you believe that your BF should go into to debt so that you can have the exact ring that you want, exactly when you want it.

That is an immature attitude and it is a bit superficial as well...hate to say it, but it is...

And the thought of wearing another ring makes you want to vomit? C''mon...maybe trying to think about the fact that you''ve found a great man that loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you could settle your stomach a bit.

Marriage isn''t about the ring...my goodness!

 

[surfgirl]

Date: 11/14/2007 11:01:39 AM
Author: amy_dub
i give up.. and apparently everyone here thinks i''m immature for not liking what he likes, for not just sucking it up and pretending to put on a happy face over something that makes me want to vomit.

I dont think you''re immature because you dont like the rings he likes...I think you''re immature because you seem to be obsessed with getting engaged at all costs, to whomever the guy is that you''re with right now. Sorry, but it has to be said. You seem overly concerned about the most unimportant aspect of making a commitment to each other. Yes this forum is centered on diamonds and mainly on buying erings, but when push comes to shove, that is perhaps the most UNimportant aspect of getting engaged. I''d suggest that you tell him that you''d like to get engaged without a ring, and shop together for it when he''s saved enough money...But since you think it''s a huge negative fault for him to want to be able to actually afford to pay cash for your ering, I really dont think you''re mature enough to be getting engaged at all. Sorry.

 

[MoonWater]

Geez, I dunno, after 7 years you would think the guy had saved a decent amount already, but alas, guys don''t think the way we do. I understand wanting a specific ring, I am very much the same way. I also don''t want to upgrade, (however a temp setting wouldn''t be a huge deal to me). But I do think the guy is smart for not wanting to go in debt. You don''t want to start a marriage off with financial issues. Why don''t you pay for part of the ring? That''s pretty much your only option if you want to be rigid about the type of ring and the time frame. I wouldn''t hesitate to throw money at my bf to guarantee that I get what I want. But I''m not a known romantic, not overly traditional, and don''t even care too much about surprises (but they are fun).

Here''s my question tho, why is he concerned about other people getting married before you? Did I read that wrong? He seems concerned with getting you any ring just to beat someone else to the alter.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 11/14/2007 12:27:06 PM
Author: MoonWater
Geez, I dunno, after 7 years you would think the guy had saved a decent amount already, but alas, guys don''t think the way we do. I understand wanting a specific ring, I am very much the same way. I also don''t want to upgrade, (however a temp setting wouldn''t be a huge deal to me). But I do think the guy is smart for not wanting to go in debt. You don''t want to start a marriage off with financial issues. Why don''t you pay for part of the ring? That''s pretty much your only option if you want to be rigid about the type of ring and the time frame. I wouldn''t hesitate to throw money at my bf to guarantee that I get what I want. But I''m not a known romantic, not overly traditional, and don''t even care too much about surprises (but they are fun).

Here''s my question tho, why is he concerned about other people getting married before you? Did I read that wrong? He seems concerned with getting you any ring just to beat someone else to the alter.

I agree with this, as it''s the solution I used. However TGuy didn''t really care what I chose (although he hated halos) and wanted me to be happy with I wanted. He is pretty untraditional. Amydub''s guy doesn''t seem to quite be that way...

 

[meresal]

I agree with this diea also... my BF told me to pick out a setting that I like and he would choose the diamond, so that it is still a surprise. However, the setting I picked out was around 5K and a bit over what he was expecting... so I offered to pay about $1500 of it. I believe that since it was my choice, I owed it to him to share the cost. We share all of our other expenses, why not this one also.

Myself, my family, and my BF''s family are very traditional and this may not have been "the norm" back in the day... but times have changed. Its about making your lives "Together" as easy as possible. My BF refuses to pay with a credit card, and it is one of the smartest things you can do. Starting your lives in debt should be avoidable at all costs.

I am only 23 and have matured alot in the last 3 years, since graduating college. I would never rush my BF into something he''s not totally ready for... and honestly sometimes I''m glad we''re still just dating and can relax and have fun. This is supposed to be the happiest time of your life. Why waste it arguing over when you''re going to be married. If you''re meant to BE... then you''re going to be together forever no matter what!!

Sorry, I went on a bit of a tangent... but I''ve never been happier in my life, and I feel like "If you want it to be easy... it can." It doesn''t have to be so hard all the time.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/14/2007 12:27:06 PM
Author: MoonWater
Geez, I dunno, after 7 years you would think the guy had saved a decent amount already, but alas, guys don''t think the way we do. I understand wanting a specific ring, I am very much the same way. I also don''t want to upgrade, (however a temp setting wouldn''t be a huge deal to me). But I do think the guy is smart for not wanting to go in debt. You don''t want to start a marriage off with financial issues. Why don''t you pay for part of the ring? That''s pretty much your only option if you want to be rigid about the type of ring and the time frame. I wouldn''t hesitate to throw money at my bf to guarantee that I get what I want. But I''m not a known romantic, not overly traditional, and don''t even care too much about surprises (but they are fun).

Here''s my question tho, why is he concerned about other people getting married before you? Did I read that wrong? He seems concerned with getting you any ring just to beat someone else to the alter.

Not necessarily. No matter how many years we''d been together then, at 22, my FI was still in school, which he worked his a$$ off to pay his way through, and he had no money. Some 22 year olds have money for e-rings, but not many, especially for one that costs 10-15k (which is what I think she said the one she wants is worth).

 

[chelleliz]

Date: 11/14/2007 11:01:39 AM
Author: amy_dub

i give up.. and apparently everyone here thinks i''m immature for not liking what he likes, for not just sucking it up and pretending to put on a happy face over something that makes me want to vomit.

Maybe it''s not that you''re immature -- maybe you''re just not wanting the engagement for the right reasons. All of us here get caught up in the Dream Ring fantasy, but the truth is if my boyfriend asked me tomorrow to marry him with a twisty tie as my ring, I''d be so thrilled. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, ring or no ring. It''s him that I want no matter what. Try thinking of it that way. If you don''t want to get engaged no matter what, maybe he''s not the right guy for you.

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 11/14/2007 2:42:03 PM
Author: anchor31

Date: 11/14/2007 12:27:06 PM
Author: MoonWater
Geez, I dunno, after 7 years you would think the guy had saved a decent amount already, but alas, guys don't think the way we do. I understand wanting a specific ring, I am very much the same way. I also don't want to upgrade, (however a temp setting wouldn't be a huge deal to me). But I do think the guy is smart for not wanting to go in debt. You don't want to start a marriage off with financial issues. Why don't you pay for part of the ring? That's pretty much your only option if you want to be rigid about the type of ring and the time frame. I wouldn't hesitate to throw money at my bf to guarantee that I get what I want. But I'm not a known romantic, not overly traditional, and don't even care too much about surprises (but they are fun).

Here's my question tho, why is he concerned about other people getting married before you? Did I read that wrong? He seems concerned with getting you any ring just to beat someone else to the alter.

Not necessarily. No matter how many years we'd been together then, at 22, my FI was still in school, which he worked his a$$ off to pay his way through, and he had no money. Some 22 year olds have money for e-rings, but not many, especially for one that costs 10-15k (which is what I think she said the one she wants is worth).

I think it depends on the personality and your priorities. I am currently in school full time (five classes to be exact, earning straight As to boot), paying for it myself (part of it loans), working full time, and paying all of my own bills (rent, electricity, phone, internet, commuting costs) but I manage to save enough where I could honestly buy my own ring. Knowing my personality, if it were up to me to propose, after 7 years, I would have saved some money. If a person has an internal clock where they have an idea of when they'd like to get engage, they should start at least a year prior putting some money aside. Frankly my limit is 4 years, after that time, either you know you are going to marry a person or not. So, start saving for it. Every little bit helps.

 

[mimzy]

one very early nineties inspired word. chillax

(not you amy)

for a forum that constantly encourages women to not be shy about having input in their ring you guys sure are being harsh. i don''t think there is anything wrong with insisting on a certain ring if is it in the budget.

possible scenerio(?): boyfriend sets a budget of 5k. girl picks out dream ring that is exactly 5k. boys says "if you pick something simpler and less expensive we can get engaged sooner because i only have 1.5k saved up right now". girl says "no thanks, i''ll wait. but if it is the budget why don''t you just finance it, as you will be able to afford it in 6 months anyways". boy says "i don''t finance. i''ll wait the six months". girl sighs.

that''s how i read it as, and i don''t think there is anything really all that horrible about that. i''ll be honest, i would be disappointed if after ring shopping and picking out something that i loved and really disliking everything else (which is exactly what happened for me) my boyfriend presented me with a solitaire. of course i would still say yes, obviously, and it''s not like i''d be mad about it, but i''d be a little disappointed, and you probably all would be too! and that does NOT mean that you are superficial or getting engaged for the wrong reasons. i think her concern over this has been blown way out of proportion.

as for the financing thing, there can be major discrepancies as to whether or not that is really an issue. there''s a big difference between someone who makes 60k a year and has a large savings that chooses to finance a luxury item just because they are more comfortable making payments than taking a big chunk of their savings out and a college kid who is in 20k worth of debt with no job that takes out another 6k to buy a ring. so maybe suggesting financing isn''t really the same as suggesting that he goes into debt over it. just a thought.

amy i don''t think you are out of line. you know that he is saving for the ring of your dreams and you just have to be patient

and let him buy it in the way that he feels comfortable with. it will be worth it in the end! sure, another girl might get a ring before you, but is it going to be THE ring? most likely not! so take pleasure in knowing that you will both be happy; you with your ring and him with his low credit card balance .

some guys are just sort of lazy when it comes to this (i know mine was!) and would just prefer to get a standard solitaire and not have to put a lot of thought or effort into it. i know that my FF told me that if i wasn''t so picky about the ring we would have been engaged by now. i was unhappy about it at the time, but there isn''t much competition between the ring of your dreams and a couple months of more waiting

.

 

[vslover]

Honestly, and I''m not meaning to be mean...it sounds like you''re more focused on the ring than the marriage. If you *really* want to marry your boyfriend, the ring should just be a bonus and not the FOCUS of your wish for an engagement. I''d have married my husband if he hadn''t given me a ring at all or if the diamond had been tiny. I didn''t really care about the ring. I just wanted HIM.

 

[amy_dub]

Date: 11/14/2007 12:01:56 PM
Author: surfgirl

Date: 11/14/2007 11:01:39 AM
Author: amy_dub
i give up.. and apparently everyone here thinks i''m immature for not liking what he likes, for not just sucking it up and pretending to put on a happy face over something that makes me want to vomit.

I dont think you''re immature because you dont like the rings he likes...I think you''re immature because you seem to be obsessed with getting engaged at all costs, to whomever the guy is that you''re with right now. Sorry, but it has to be said. You seem overly concerned about the most unimportant aspect of making a commitment to each other. Yes this forum is centered on diamonds and mainly on buying erings, but when push comes to shove, that is perhaps the most UNimportant aspect of getting engaged. I''d suggest that you tell him that you''d like to get engaged without a ring, and shop together for it when he''s saved enough money...But since you think it''s a huge negative fault for him to want to be able to actually afford to pay cash for your ering, I really dont think you''re mature enough to be getting engaged at all. Sorry.

WHY is everything I say get completely twisted and blown up way out of proportion? With EVERY post I make on this forum I get attacked. Everyone keeps ASSUMING things.

I am not obsessed with getting engaged at all costs. Jon & I have been together over 7 years. I knew he was the one I wanted to marry at 3 years. I am just so fed up with everyone asking "When are you getting married?", "why aren''t you married yet?" "isn''t it about time already?" "I always thought you''d be engaged before me" or saying to him "what''s your problem? Why haven''t you proposed to her?" "You''d better get a ring on that finger before she gets away!" I''m sick of people butting into OUR relationship. I''m sick of the scrutiny, and the constant "why why why" from everyone. Why can''t everyone just be happy for us that we''re together & so in love with each other? This has been a constant thing in my life for the last 3+ years and every time i hear it I just want to explode and tell people to BUTT OUT... but i''m too nice and just say "No, not yet."

I''ve offered numerous time to help buy my ring so we get something we''re both happy with.. but it made him angry and he said "No, you''re not paying for part of your engagement ring.. that''s not right." I''d gladly walk into the court house tomorrow and marry him, but he''d never do it, because he knows I''ve always dreamed of a wedding with all of our family and close friends there.

And here I go again saying I don''t want the 10-15k ring.. that''s just the one they showed us there. HE wants to get me one that''s around that size, I''m happier with a smaller one.. but he thinks since we''ve been together so long that he has to get something to "blow everyone out of the water".. It''s like a constant pissing contest with guys. Why do they have to be in competition with each other?

He''s not trying to beat anyone to the alter, i think he''s just sick of all the "why why why" too.. It''s not that we want to end all the questioning, it''s that we want to move in together, but we both come from way too traditional families and everyone would flip a lid if we did. My poor grandmother would worry herself crazy over it... My Dad still thinks a girl shouldn''t call a guy

We just want to be together..

 

[amy_dub]

Thanks Mimzy.. I was looking for a little sympathy and advice from someone who''s been there.. but instead i get attacked.

Thanks for understanding..

 

[tberube]

I'm the last person NOT to be upbeat and positive about this whole LIW thing (was one for a long time). But I was first a LIW for a man I dated for 7 years and after pushing the date back for new cars and televisions, and because his mommy dearest just hadn't suggested it yet, I gave up and cut him loose. Then I dated someone else and waited 3.5 more years before the proposal - but hey, at least I knew he was serious about taking me into consideration when deciding what to do with the relationship.

Not that I'm suggesting I know what your relationship is like, because I wouldn't have a clue - but your desperation raises a red flag and sounds very close to home. Having a serious talk on the "state of the union" might be in order...

ETA: there really is NOTHING worse than having something promised to you over and over again with no follow-through. You really start to not trust the person anymore, and that can kill your trust in other places. It did mine (and my new BF - my fiance now - paid dearly for that lack of trust).

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 11/14/2007 5:18:54 PM
Author: amy_dub


WHY is everything I say get completely twisted and blown up way out of proportion? With EVERY post I make on this forum I get attacked. Everyone keeps ASSUMING things.

I am not obsessed with getting engaged at all costs. Jon & I have been together over 7 years. I knew he was the one I wanted to marry at 3 years. I am just so fed up with everyone asking 'When are you getting married?', 'why aren't you married yet?' 'isn't it about time already?' 'I always thought you'd be engaged before me' or saying to him 'what's your problem? Why haven't you proposed to her?' 'You'd better get a ring on that finger before she gets away!' I'm sick of people butting into OUR relationship. I'm sick of the scrutiny, and the constant 'why why why' from everyone. Why can't everyone just be happy for us that we're together & so in love with each other? This has been a constant thing in my life for the last 3+ years and every time i hear it I just want to explode and tell people to BUTT OUT... but i'm too nice and just say 'No, not yet.'

I've offered numerous time to help buy my ring so we get something we're both happy with.. but it made him angry and he said 'No, you're not paying for part of your engagement ring.. that's not right.' I'd gladly walk into the court house tomorrow and marry him, but he'd never do it, because he knows I've always dreamed of a wedding with all of our family and close friends there.

And here I go again saying I don't want the 10-15k ring.. that's just the one they showed us there. HE wants to get me one that's around that size, I'm happier with a smaller one.. but he thinks since we've been together so long that he has to get something to 'blow everyone out of the water'.. It's like a constant pissing contest with guys. Why do they have to be in competition with each other?

He's not trying to beat anyone to the alter, i think he's just sick of all the 'why why why' too.. It's not that we want to end all the questioning, it's that we want to move in together, but we both come from way too traditional families and everyone would flip a lid if we did. My poor grandmother would worry herself crazy over it... My Dad still thinks a girl shouldn't call a guy

We just want to be together..

Then in all honesty, you have a right to be upset. He should suck it up and buy you the ring YOU want in the time you want. It seems the huge price is a problem he has created. Now it just seems he's upset that you are picking out your own ring instead of you picking out a ring that he can't afford. I don't get guys that are determined to get only what they want with the idea that the girl should love it anyway just because. No, you love him anyway, you don't have to love the ring he picked out. But man, after 7 years. Sure, you want to be with him, but I'll be damned if I didn't demand the exact ring I wanted. That's a long time.

 

[TravelingGal]

Mimzy, for some, if it''s not in the budget NOW (i.e., able to pay not vs finance), then it''s not in the budget, period, until the money is saved. Being able to "afford it in 6 months" is NOT the same as being able to afford it (because often other things can come in the way of paying it off.) Not for some of us who are overly fiscally responsible, and women need to be sensitive to that if their men think that way (and vice versa). TGuy and I can afford heaps of things if we finance. With the exceptions of a car and a house, we do not finance anything, EVER. It''s the way we think, and it''s not uncommon.

"for a forum that constantly encourages women to not be shy about having input in their ring you guys sure are being harsh. i don''t think there is anything wrong with insisting on a certain ring if is it in the budget."

No one around here asks women to be "shy" about asking for the ring they want. But posts around here encouraging folks to put rings on credit? Very rare.

And a "little disappointed" at a meh ring is honest. Wanting to vomit is over the top. If a gal means she''d be a little disappointed, she might want to say that in a forum where all we have are words to read.