annoyed with my mom...am I wrong?

[Tuckins1]

I don't really think that your mother's relationship with your father, or whether she cheated on him has anything to do with it. It was hers, to do with whatever she pleased. I'm sure it was disappointing, but it wasn't yours. I was also interested in your "not wearing white/not pure" comment... I believe that a bride should be able to wear whatever she wishes on her wedding day, and not receive judgment from her family.

ETA- I do understand what it's like to deal with "issues" between mother and father/divorce... It's a sticky situation and no matter how hard you try, you will always have biased feelings against one or the other or both... No fun, but it's life.

 

[AGBF]

There's a lot going on in this situation and other posters have been noticing it and pointing it out. (Marian, I love your wise posting as I usually do love your postings.) The thing that struck me as a mother, though, was that I would never let my daughter down over some gosh darned ring!!! If my ring meant something to her and I knew it, if I had ever promised it to her, I'd give it to her because she's my daughter! Never mind whether I had to. As a mother, I'd just want to do it. It would give me no pleasure to keep it if my daughter wanted it!!!

AGBF

 

[risingsun]

Date: 9/4/2009 8:32:59 PM
Author: AGBF

There's a lot going on in this situation and other posters have been noticing it and pointing it out. (Marian, I love your wise posting as I usually do love your postings.) The thing that struck me as a mother, though, was that I would never let my daughter down over some gosh darned ring!!! If my ring meant something to her and I knew it, if I had ever promised it to her, I'd give it to her because she's my daughter! Never mind whether I had to. As a mother, I'd just want to do it. It would give me no pleasure to keep it if my daughter wanted it!!!

AGBF

Thanks so much for acknowledging and understanding my post. I agree 100% with your post. If I had made such a promise to my daughter, I would not turn around and use it to my own advantage. What possible joy would there be in that

 

[House Cat]

Dear Nov,

I''m really sorry I made assumptions about your mother. I should know better. I should also know that mother daughter relationships can get very complicated.



After reading through everything that you have said, I just want to tell you that I am sorry for your suffering. There is a lot of pain and anguish in your posts. From my point of view, it''s justifiable. In an ideal world, your mom would be a caring, giving mother, but for some reason, she''s fallen short. I see why you have made the comments you''ve made about her and her wedding. If I understand correctly, you were venting about your mother and not about women in general.

The diamond is just one more time where she has let you down.

You aren''t selfish. I just feel the need to say that because of the ugliness on this thread. I hesitate to give advice, because you didn''t really ask for it. You only asked if you were wrong to feel the way you do. So, my answer is no. Your mom is behaving in a selfish manner. It seems that is her way. Deep down, did you really expect her to behave any other way? I ask that sincerely and I''m not really asking for an answer. It is food for thought really. It just seems that your mother''s history is showing you who she is. She probably won''t change.

It''s too bad this thread turned ugly. I hope you''re doing ok. This is a stressful time for anyone. Please enjoy your wedding planning as much as you can. Surround yourself in caring people who are truly excited for your day. Most of us here would love to join in on your fun as well!

 

[packrat]

I''m lazy and have just started reading the 2nd page of this thread, but..when I got married, at the time, I''d worn only white gold for years and didn''t want anything to do w/yellow gold. My gramma presented me w/her fire opal pendant, in yellow gold, to wear at my wedding, and guess what, it looked spectacular and I felt like a million bucks b/c my grampa cut and set that fire opal for gramma not too long before he died. Let me say that that opal could have been set in tinfoil or I coulda taped it to my throat and it wouldn''t have lessened the love I felt from both my grandparents on my wedding day. If you only wanted to wear it at your wedding, why can''t you ask mom if you can still borrow it? Hang that sucker off flashing christmas lites or whatever, if it''s the symbolism you''re wanting, metal color is a moot point-the symbolism is in the diamond not the metal. And if she''s to keep it until she decides to give it to you or whatever-you can have it reset in white gold at that point, if that''s still important.

 

[HollyS]

The bottom line is this:

The diamond is not, and never was, yours. And a verbal agreement between your Mom and Dad, at their divorce, doesn''t make it yours either. A piece of paper, if it exists, has not made it yours.

You have issues with your mother. You have never forgiven her for ruining her marriage to your Dad (people stray for a reason, my dear); you feel in competition with her (her wedding isn''t an actual wedding??); and you feel justified in being hateful. And yes, you have been hateful. I''d be willing to bet you''ve told her, or anyone who would listen, exactly what you think of her. You told us, and we''re perfect strangers.

Has she been sort of a jackass herself? You bet. Did she, on purpose, choose to have her own wedding at a time when the focus of attention might have been on yourself? Quite possibly. And that''s why you aren''t angry over a small, inconsequential, symbol of a broken marriage, diamond that she kept for herself. You''re angry with your mom because you feel - - on many levels, about many things - - she has betrayed YOU.

See? If you are being honest, it IS all about you. I''m not saying your feelings don''t matter, or that you don''t have legitimate reasons for them; but your anger isn''t about a diamond. Your own posts clearly show that the problem is a much deeper one. Regardless of any backtracking, or filling in the blanks, to more fully explain yourself.

Anger is corrosive. It may be justified; but it can do a lot of damage. I would do my best, if I were you, to move on, or seek help.

 

[ImpatientOne]

Deleted

 

[ImpatientOne]

Date: 9/2/2009 10:47:53 PM
Author: honey22
I have been living in sin for the past 13 years with my fiance and I would happily wear white to my wedding. I think your remark was uncalled for and rude.

I am not a virgin, that doesn''t mean I can''t wear white!

And why on earth would you want that stone? You are clearly upset with your Mum, why would you want to wear a symbol of a marriage that has failed (not to mention, it failed when your Mum cheated on your Dad with the guy you hate)? It''s not anything symbolic to you, you just want the jewellery. Your attitude kinda sucks really.

I completely agree!

 

[Hera]

Date: 9/6/2009 1:28:46 PM
Author: HollyS
The bottom line is this:


The diamond is not, and never was, yours. And a verbal agreement between your Mom and Dad, at their divorce, doesn''t make it yours either. A piece of paper, if it exists, has not made it yours.


You have issues with your mother. You have never forgiven her for ruining her marriage to your Dad (people stray for a reason, my dear); you feel in competition with her (her wedding isn''t an actual wedding??); and you feel justified in being hateful. And yes, you have been hateful. I''d be willing to bet you''ve told her, or anyone who would listen, exactly what you think of her. You told us, and we''re perfect strangers.


Has she been sort of a jackass herself? You bet. Did she, on purpose, choose to have her own wedding at a time when the focus of attention might have been on yourself? Quite possibly. And that''s why you aren''t angry over a small, inconsequential, symbol of a broken marriage, diamond that she kept for herself. You''re angry with your mom because you feel - - on many levels, about many things - - she has betrayed YOU.


See? If you are being honest, it IS all about you. I''m not saying your feelings don''t matter, or that you don''t have legitimate reasons for them; but your anger isn''t about a diamond. Your own posts clearly show that the problem is a much deeper one. Regardless of any backtracking, or filling in the blanks, to more fully explain yourself.


Anger is corrosive. It may be justified; but it can do a lot of damage. I would do my best, if I were you, to move on, or seek help.

Well said!