Another Anxious LIW!

[princesss]

Date: 4/21/2010 6:17:27 PM
Author: ohsoauthentic
''I feel similarly to nkarma about babies - BF brought up the other day that babies are starting to look cuter and make him happier and he''s more interested in them now and I just about had a panic attack. My heart was racing, I felt the blood drain from my face, and apparently I looked shocked and horrified and absolutely terrified. He laughed about it, but it scared the bejeebus out of me! But at the same time, I have no doubt that eventually I want to have kids with him. That''s my future, no doubt about it. It''s just....the future. Not the now. I''m comfortable with my now exactly how it is. Doesn''t mean I dont'' look forward to that someday...in the future...when I''m ready...in like, 10 years''

I''ve often wondered if that''s how he feels about getting married. Like I know I want kids with him, but not for at least a few years. Maybe that''s how he looks at getting married, especially since he mentioned feeling too young.

Maybe I should try looking at it from that angle, his feelings on marriage are the same as mine about kids.

It definitely was eye-opening to be on the other side of this conversation.

I would say try to sit down and talk with him, not about getting married, but about what he thinks marriage should be/what he wants to be able to do as a married couple/marriage in general. Timelines can come later, but then you''ll at least get a sense for how he views marriage, and may get at some underlying issues that are causing him to kind of shut down about the topic. I''m big on open lines of communication - I don''t think just about anything should be off-limits if it affects both people.

 

[Indylady]

Good luck Ohso! I think talking about the future is sometimes harder for guys than it is for girls.

Are any/many of his friends in serious relationships or married?
How does his family feel about marriage?
Is he in a stable work/school situation?

In other words, are there reasons why he might be apprehensive about getting engaged?

I think that its time for a serious heart to heart. Asking often, or in passing, having overly emotional conversations, might add to intimidating him. It might also help to talk about why marriage would be different from where you two are now, and why you want to be married and why you feel you''re ready. I think things will become much easier once he opens up.

 

[nkarma]

Date: 4/21/2010 6:17:27 PM
Author: ohsoauthentic
''I feel similarly to nkarma about babies - BF brought up the other day that babies are starting to look cuter and make him happier and he''s more interested in them now and I just about had a panic attack. My heart was racing, I felt the blood drain from my face, and apparently I looked shocked and horrified and absolutely terrified. He laughed about it, but it scared the bejeebus out of me! But at the same time, I have no doubt that eventually I want to have kids with him. That''s my future, no doubt about it. It''s just....the future. Not the now. I''m comfortable with my now exactly how it is. Doesn''t mean I dont'' look forward to that someday...in the future...when I''m ready...in like, 10 years''

I''ve often wondered if that''s how he feels about getting married. Like I know I want kids with him, but not for at least a few years. Maybe that''s how he looks at getting married, especially since he mentioned feeling too young.

Maybe I should try looking at it from that angle, his feelings on marriage are the same as mine about kids.

It is good you are sure he wants to marry you. It does take time to get used to this stuff. Like I said, I definitely would not have wanted to get married at 24. At 27 it is mostly easier although I always wanted to get married closer to 30. There are just things in your life you want to accomplish before you make that commitment like being able to have crazy girls nights out, feeling very secure in your career and company, travelling alot (for me anyways). I just can''t explain it but like he said, he just feels too young. I am sure he wants to feel like he can marry you the day he asks, so he has to just mature a little and cross some things off his list. I just told my 25 year old younger sister the other day that I feel like your maturity doubles every 2 years in your 20s. He will definitely come around and he knows he wants to marry you so just give him some time. In 20 years you can both look back and say remember when we were crazy young kids dating. The dating period is fun and should be embraced!! I know easier said than done...

I am the same way about babies too...gonna take me a few years to ease into the idea of them, but I for sure know I want them. Just not right now!

 

[CatLady]

I think, as women, we tend to overanalyze things. "He said that baby was cute!" doesn''t necessarily mean anything other than he thinks that the baby is cute. I''m so guilty of doing it myself. I literally spend hours analyzing three word text messages with this new guy I''m seeing.

I see a lot of myself in your posts, and I don''t want to be a negative Nancy, but when one is drawn to be doing internet searches that lead to the book ''His Cold Feet'', it''s generally a sign that the two people in the relationship are not on the same page. I have absolutely no judgement towards people who read that book, as I own a copy, as well as ''She Wants a Ring and He Doesn''t Want to Change a Thing'', as well as an entire drawer (don''t want that crap on display, folks) of various other self help books about commitmentphobia.

With my friends, it seems like the ages of 24-25 were a period of huge changes. About half of the people I know got married to the people they had dated in college around this time. The other half (myself and ex included) broke off our long term relationships with people we had dated throughout college and started new relationships. The second group all got married last year, or are getting married this year. About a third of the first group are now getting divorced, so I don''t know if it was better to wait. The new guy I''m dating married his college girlfriend and is now getting divorced five years later. I know that if I would have married the guy who I dated from the ages of 20-24 I would be divorced by now, not that it was ever really even anything that I wanted.

I do think that relationships have an expiration date. (I think that is from one of those Cold Feet type books). If you''re dating a guy for more than three or four years and are over the age of 25 and marriage isn''t in the works, then I think that the relationship becomes stagnant. Once you start to let the resentment take root in your heart, there isn''t much time left. I know that what began for me as a tiny bit of resentment over other people getting engaged, over his reluctance to talk about the future, over disappointment when holidays passed with no engagement eventually grew to the point where I was just a miserable person to be around. People are now telling me that I look happier than I ever have, (which might seem strange considering I just ended a five year relationship), but I just smile and exclaim "Well, I did just lose 200 pounds without surgery, ask me how!"

I''ve learned a lot from my previous relationships, and I don''t exactly regret them. I wish that I would have wised up sooner in my last one, but letting it be so drawn out just made it possible for me to be "over" him before we even really broke up. I don''t miss him a bit, and he has no leverage in which to play mind games (not to say that he doesn''t try his damndest) because I just don''t care. I have 100% confidence that my next relationship will be successful because I simply will not put up with any crap, and I will be able to recognize any crap that is being flung my way. Here are some of my new "rules". Never date a really good looking guy. My college boyfriend was incredibly hot (he looks just like Fergie''s husband) and had an incredibly hot body (college athlete). Other girls threw themselves at him, and he didn''t exactly mind or turn down the attention. I will never know the full extent of his cheating. Not to say that all good looking guys are pigs, but this one was and ever since I haven''t dated any really attractive guys. Never date a guy who isn''t ENTHUSIASTIC to be with you. My ex fiance was not the type for hand holding or for even telling his friends and family anything about me. He never put any photos of me on his facebook (strangely, after we broke up he put a bunch of pictures of the two of us on there), and I''m not going to put up with that crap ever again. I don''t know how things are going to work out with this new guy, but I do know that he has introduced me to his friends and coworkers as well as his daughter, he holds my hand and kisses my forehead in public and it makes me feel like dancing in the streets.

 

[ohsoauthentic]

First off, you guys are all awesome.

You guys totally helped me out so much yesterday, it was unreal. As soon as I thought of it in terms of the way I feel about having kids, it was like it all clicked. I felt much more at ease with everything, realized we really don''t have to rush. We''ve got lots of time. He''s a great guy, very loving and affectionate. I don''t want to lose that.

I really feel now in hindsight, that it was how I worded/said things that would shut things down, not that it''s ALL on me, but still. I would try to talk about it often without realizing it. To me it would feel like tons of time had passed, when really it had been like, only 2 months since the last time I had brought it up. And as said above, I think it was intimidating to him, and it would just make him feel bad... because he had already told me he wasn''t ready. Then I''d feel like because he had nothing to say on the subject, that it must have meant he was still deciding if he even wanted to marry me. Which isn''t the case at all. That was just me overanalyzing and what not.

Last night we were laying in bed, and I mentioned that I thought I finally got it. I said I could be wrong, but it feels like (possibly) when it comes to getting married, he could feel the way I do about having kids. First thing he says after I said that? "You mean you know we totally couldn''t afford it right now?" I laughed and said, well that wasn''t what I was going to say but yes, that too. I just said how I know I want kids, and I know I want to have them with him... but I know I''m not ready right NOW. And it has nothing to do with my love for him at all. I just don''t feel ready. He said that made sense, and that it sounded like how he felt. Then he was like "But even say you DID feel ready for kids right now, wouldn''t you want to wait until we had a little bit more money?" When he said that, it kinda made me think that maybe he''s feeling more ready now, that it''s more due to our financial situation. Hearing this and realizing that (he said I totally heard him right haha), made me feel so much better. Because I know our financial situation could not handle getting married right now. As much as people can say "oh you don''t need a wedding, just go to a court house" etc... we DO want to have a nice small intimate wedding someday with all of our close friends and family... and at the moment, neither of us are working in our chosen fields, or in jobs we like very much. I personally live pay to pay right now, with student loans on tops of my bills as well.

Date: 4/22/2010 2:05:00 PM
Author: IndyLady

Are any/many of his friends in serious relationships or married?

How does his family feel about marriage?

Is he in a stable work/school situation?


In other words, are there reasons why he might be apprehensive about getting engaged?


I think that its time for a serious heart to heart. Asking often, or in passing, having overly emotional conversations, might add to intimidating him. It might also help to talk about why marriage would be different from where you two are now, and why you want to be married and why you feel you''re ready. I think things will become much easier once he opens up.

To answer your questions:

Most of his friends are in serious relationships, two of those couples are getting married. One of them includes one of his closest friends.

His parents are still married, though he says they probably wouldn''t still be married if they didn''t have the kids. They''re more platonic, he says. His older sister is in a serious relationship, but still not engaged or married. Same with his older brother.

He''s graduated school, but isn''t working in his field. He feels extremely bad about it, because he feels he wasted his parents money and failed them. So I know that''s an issue. The job he''s at now, he doesn''t enjoy very much. He''s always looking for another job, something more stable and with better hours.

I''m the same as well. I''m not miserable per se, it pays the bills, but I want a day job. Plus I''m only working part time, which can make the financial situation stressful at times. Though we work it out together, we''re definitely a team in every way. I know I can count on him and vice versa (not just with finances).

I''m starting to feel better about waiting, I think a lot of it had to do with outside pressures... though I hate to admit it. I think it just really snowballed... because it would kinda be on my mind a little, wondering if it was something to do with me that he hadn''t proposed yet, then a coworker or friend would say something, or I''d get a Save the Date in the mail and it would just make it worse. I almost feel more confident now that I can kinda understand his mindset a little better, like I know it''s not about me. It''s like all those times he assured me that he wants to marry me, it''s not that he''s still deciding... its like it finally sunk in.

Yay.

Even though I feel slightly better about waiting and what not, I still think I''ll be on here every so often hahaha.

ps it''s pretty amazing actually, I got my best friends Save the Date in the mail today, with him right behind me, and I just looked at their picture on it and said "Aww" with a smile ... I didn''t feel as upset as I would have had I not had the little realization yesterday. (that''s not to say I''m not ecstatic for my best friend, obviously I''m thrilled!)