Another Living Together Before Marriage Thread

[ringshopper2008]

We are moving in together in a few months, and I am thinking of proposing when we move in together (as a surprise). My guy friends have said the typical "you should really wait to see how you two get along when you live together" thing, but I don't entirely agree. If I were that uncertain (which I am not), then I shouldn't be moving in with her. Right?

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 5/27/2008 2:10:19 PM
Author:ringshopper2008
We are moving in together in a few months, and I am thinking of proposing when we move in together (as a surprise). My guy friends have said the typical ''you should really wait to see how you two get along when you live together'' thing, but I don''t entirely agree. If I were that uncertain, then I shouldn''t be moving in with her. Right?

Obviously if you''re ready to propose, you''re ready to live with her -- imperfections and all. So really, at this point, there is no difference. You''ve already made your mind up so you should do what you feels right. Follow your heart. If there''s part of you that''s still unsure, you can wait and see how living together goes. If you''re ready to make her your fiance, then do it as you planned.(Regardless of what your friends think! Only YOU know if you''re ready!)

Living together just creates some growing pains -- at least in my experience. They are only temporary. It helps your communication and helps you become more tolerant and understanding. But you''ll go through this period either way - as a cohabiting couple, or a married couple.

 

[Bia]

Date: 5/27/2008 2:15:03 PM
Author: Lauren8211
Obviously if you''re ready to propose, you''re ready to live with her -- imperfections and all. So really, at this point, there is no difference. You''ve already made your mind up so you should do what you feels right. Follow your heart. If there''s part of you that''s still unsure, you can wait and see how living together goes. If you''re ready to make her your fiance, then do it as you planned.(Regardless of what your friends think! Only YOU know if you''re ready!)

Living together just creates some growing pains -- at least in my experience. They are only temporary. It helps your communication and helps you become more tolerant and understanding. But you''ll go through this period either way - as a cohabiting couple, or a married couple.

Yuppers...agree with.

 

[swingirl]

100% yes, IMO. Living together should happened because you are fairly certain this is the gal for you. I disagree with living together out of convenience and hoping it will lead to deeper feelings and further commitment.

 

[ringshopper2008]

Date: 5/27/2008 2:22:52 PM
Author: swingirl
100% yes, IMO. Living together should happened because you are fairly certain this is the gal for you. I disagree with living together out of convenience and hoping it will lead to deeper feelings and further commitment.

That''s what I was thinking, too. Very good! I think the decision to move in together was essentially when we decided that we were certain about our future together.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 5/27/2008 2:10:19 PM
Author:ringshopper2008
We are moving in together in a few months, and I am thinking of proposing when we move in together (as a surprise). My guy friends have said the typical 'you should really wait to see how you two get along when you live together' thing, but I don't entirely agree. If I were that uncertain (which I am not), then I shouldn't be moving in with her. Right?

I think it really depends on your attitude towards cohabitation. Some people see it as the next step before engagement. Others see it as a 'trial run' in order to determine how/if you should proceed to the next level.

I fall under the former category. I would not live with someone who I wasn't already sure about. I've never lived with anyone before SO and it's something I take very seriously. So, I agree with you on this.

That's not to say there's anything 'wrong' with taking cohabitation less seriously. It's just something I disagree with for myself. I see living together and intertwining your lives as a HUGE step, and not something I'd undertake if I felt the relationship needed further 'testing'.

 

[cutiegirl84]

I agree. If you are ready to propose then you are already sure and moving in will just allow you to be together all the time Plus you will save gas money

 

[ringshopper2008]

I think this relates to some other threads on here, but I called her dad tonight- she is out with her friend tonight so I was able to do this. I just wanted to let him know that moving in together is a big deal to me, and that I am serious about our relationship so I wanted to make sure he is on board before we move in together.
It was a little choppy at times, but I think he appreciated it.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

You seem like such a great guy! Let me clue you in on something, though. Her dad would probably feel better about the situation if you were proposing before you move in together. My husband would not be all that happy about the content of the phone call you just made if it was in regard to our daughter. I realize you don''t have to do anything to please her parents, but since you seem to care, I just thought I''d mention that!

 

[ringshopper2008]

Date: 5/27/2008 8:18:25 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
You seem like such a great guy! Let me clue you in on something, though. Her dad would probably feel better about the situation if you were proposing before you move in together. My husband would not be all that happy about the content of the phone call you just made if it was in regard to our daughter. I realize you don''t have to do anything to please her parents, but since you seem to care, I just thought I''d mention that!

I definitely understand your point. I did it this way because I wanted to provide some assurance that I put some serious thought into living together, and I wanted him to know that I do think it''s a big deal.
I didn''t want to give the other part away yet (proposing), as I want it to be a secret (so I can surprise my girlfriend). So, the central point of my call was to let him know that I do take moving in together very seriously, and it''s not something I would do if I weren''t thinking long term/marriage, and if I weren''t very serious about our relationship.
I know that leaving the proposal out of the equation can create some anxiety, but I wanted to be able to surprise her. I will call her dad again (or speak in person if I get the chance) when proposing comes closer, but it''s still 2 months away.
Does that sound any better?

 

[JulieN]

Date: 5/27/2008 8:18:25 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
You seem like such a great guy! Let me clue you in on something, though. Her dad would probably feel better about the situation if you were proposing before you move in together. My husband would not be all that happy about the content of the phone call you just made if it was in regard to our daughter. I realize you don't have to do anything to please her parents, but since you seem to care, I just thought I'd mention that!

My dad wouldn't be happy, either!

But I know some parents don't really care one way or the other, and you know her parents better than we do.

He's going to be your FIL, so I wouldn't keep quiet just because she will have a surprise. "I'm serious about your daughter" seems kinda weak to me. It will still be a surprise when/how you do it. And you can ask him to not say anything to the womenfolk.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 5/27/2008 8:18:25 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
You seem like such a great guy! Let me clue you in on something, though. Her dad would probably feel better about the situation if you were proposing before you move in together. My husband would not be all that happy about the content of the phone call you just made if it was in regard to our daughter. I realize you don't have to do anything to please her parents, but since you seem to care, I just thought I'd mention that!

It really depends on the parents, their values and the situation. As an only child, my parents are probably a little wary of me moving in with SO. But at the same time, that's too darn bad because my parents cohabitated too! (And subsequently eloped with no planning or warning, LOL). So it's not like they can really take major issue with it, nor are we religious so that argument is out too.


I think OP did far more than the majority of men nowadays would do. Letting her parents know his intentions was a very nice gesture on his part. To me, it shows that he is making an effort with her father to communicate what is going on and what his plans are -- while still behaving like an adult and making decisions according to the values that he and his SO share rather than the values that her parents (may) hold.

 

[ringshopper2008]

Date: 5/27/2008 9:33:30 PM
Author: absolut_blonde

Date: 5/27/2008 8:18:25 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
You seem like such a great guy! Let me clue you in on something, though. Her dad would probably feel better about the situation if you were proposing before you move in together. My husband would not be all that happy about the content of the phone call you just made if it was in regard to our daughter. I realize you don''t have to do anything to please her parents, but since you seem to care, I just thought I''d mention that!

It really depends on the parents, their values and the situation. As an only child, my parents are probably a little wary of me moving in with SO. But at the same time, that''s too darn bad because my parents cohabitated too! (And subsequently eloped with no planning or warning, LOL). So it''s not like they can really take major issue with it, nor are we religious so that argument is out too.


I think OP did far more than the majority of men nowadays would do. Letting her parents know his intentions was a very nice gesture on his part. To me, it shows that he is making an effort with her father to communicate what is going on and what his plans are -- while still behaving like an adult and making decisions according to the values that he and his SO share rather than the values that her parents (may) hold.

Thank you for your support! I was feeling a little bad about having called from those last two posts.

I guess one question to diamondseeker - would the fact that we are each almost 30 years old make a difference? I am referring to how you said your husband wouldn''t be happy with my phone call. I would think hearing a 30 year old man say he is serious and wouldn''t move in with your daughter if he wasn''t thinking marriage would have substantial weight to it. If he doesn''t trust my word at face value, then he and I have more to amend than just the living situation.

 

[musey]

No one should make personal decisions based upon statistics, in my opinion... but just FYI the stats on marriage success are in favor of those who live together on their way to marriage, and against those who live together as a "trial run" before deciding to get married.

Really I think that's just demonstrative of the nature of the relationship... those who are sure vs. those who aren't. It sounds like you are sure, and when you're sure, why wait?


For what it's worth, one of my engagement scenarios was to be proposed to either the night before or the first night of moving in to the new place. Romantic 'picnic' dinner in an empty apartment/house and a "can't wait to take this next step with you" type of thing. Incredibly romantic, I think

 

[Pandora II]

My parents were over the moon when FI asked me to move in with him 4 months after we had started dating! I''d been very ill and living with them for over 2 years and they were thrilled to get the house back to themselves...

I was 32 and he was 30.

I think your ages have a lot to do with the way the conversation will have gone. Your GF is an independent adult and you are just showing her father some added respect - rather than asking for some kind of permission.

With the living together thing, to my mind there are 4 sorts:

a) Living together because it''s handy, saves money and is fun for now - but neither of you has serious LONG-TERM plans.

This can work really well - I had a couple of relationships in this category.

b) Living together because it''s handy, saves money and is fun for now - but one of you has secret serious hopes for a LONG-TERM plan.

Recipe for disaster, someone ends up hurt and the other ends up feeling super guilty. Been there, felt guilty...

c) Living together because it''s handy, saves money, is fun and you both think it is a step towards seeing how things might go.

Can work really well, but can easily become one of those relationships where you end up engaged/married because it just kind of happened/too much hassle to leave/you were used to each other.

d) Living together because you are convinced that is the next step towards a permanent relationship.

This is the one FI and I were in. We knew very quickly - within weeks - that our relationship was of the serious, no messing about, potentially permanent kind - but we weren''t in any rush to get married. It just felt right.

My parents feel very strongly about the importance of living together for a year before getting engaged - especially since my younger sister went against their wishes. Let''s just say that if she had lived with him, she wouldn''t have married him...

Currently I, my brother (30) and my youngest sister (22) all live with our SO''s, brother is engaged and sister is in an ''a'' type relationship.

(My father would have liked it if FI had asked him before he proposed and was a bit hurt that he didn''t - until FI told him that he''d have liked to, but he rather wanted it to be a surprise for me. My father looked very sheepish - he is incapable of keeping secrets - probably the only father in the world that wanted to show you your christmas presents before christmas

)

 

[ringshopper2008]

Date: 5/28/2008 7:20:06 PM
Author: musey
For what it's worth, one of my engagement scenarios was to be proposed to either the night before or the first night of moving in to the new place. Romantic 'picnic' dinner in an empty apartment/house and a 'can't wait to take this next step with you' type of thing. Incredibly romantic, I think

This is actually exactly what I was thinking. My plan is to go on a "celebration dinner" - you know, to celebrate moving in together. I will leave the ring back at our new apartment, and will present her "moving in gift" when we get home.
I am debating between that and actually bringing the ring with me to dinner... but I think I would prefer giving it to her in private. The only tough thing is that I don't want her to have had too many drinks when I do give it to her. haha
I guess the other factor would be whether she has the energy to go to dinner the night we move in.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I just want to say this is so incredibly sweet!! I wish you luck!

ETA: The plan sounds perfect!

 

[musey]

Author: musey
For what it''s worth, one of my engagement scenarios was to be proposed to either the night before or the first night of moving in to the new place. Romantic ''picnic'' dinner in an empty apartment/house and a ''can''t wait to take this next step with you'' type of thing. Incredibly romantic, I think

Whoops, I meant to say "one of my dream engagement scenarios"--but I think you got my drift!

 

[kittybean]

I think proposing the day you move in would be incredible. I''m sure she''d be so surprised and happy after a long day of moving. What an incredibly romantic, thoughtful way to begin your life together! Best wishes to you.

P.S. If her dad is anything like mine, I wouldn''t tell him you''re proposing beforehand. Even though he might feel a little iffy about the phone call you made, he''ll find out soon just how serious you are. I think dads have a hard time keeping secrets from their little girls, even when the little girl is 30. Also, if my dad didn''t somehow give it away, he would most likely tell my mom, who would definitely give it away.

 

[anchor31]

Hi ringshopper!

We are moving in together in a few months, and I am thinking of proposing when we move in together (as a surprise). My guy friends have said the typical "you should really wait to see how you two get along when you live together" thing, but I don''t entirely agree. If I were that uncertain (which I am not), then I shouldn''t be moving in with her. Right?

I agree with this 100%, and that''s why my FI and I moved in together after we were engaged.

Date: 5/28/2008 7:38:04 PM
Author: ringshopper2008

Date: 5/28/2008 7:20:06 PM
Author: musey
For what it''s worth, one of my engagement scenarios was to be proposed to either the night before or the first night of moving in to the new place. Romantic ''picnic'' dinner in an empty apartment/house and a ''can''t wait to take this next step with you'' type of thing. Incredibly romantic, I think

This is actually exactly what I was thinking. My plan is to go on a ''celebration dinner'' - you know, to celebrate moving in together. I will leave the ring back at our new apartment, and will present her ''moving in gift'' when we get home.
I am debating between that and actually bringing the ring with me to dinner... but I think I would prefer giving it to her in private. The only tough thing is that I don''t want her to have had too many drinks when I do give it to her. haha
I guess the other factor would be whether she has the energy to go to dinner the night we move in.

That sounds like an amazing plan. Congrats and good luck!

 

[Haven]

Awww, I just wanted to send some good wishes your way!

And for what it''s worth, my FI had a very awkward conversation with my father when he asked him for my hand. I just think it''s one of those rights of passage you have to pass through if you marry an old fashioned girl--the uncomfortable daddy talk.

I certainly don''t think you have to live with someone before you can tell if you want to marry them--my FI and I are closing on our house tomorrow (YAY!) and moving in together after nearly four years of beign together, and just one month before our wedding. I''m absolutely confident that living with him won''t suddenly change my desire to marry him!

Good luck to you!

 

[ringshopper2008]

One thing that came up - she has a bachelorette party to go to the night after we move in. Will I be spoiling the bachelorette party, as it will turn into "look who got engaged", and take the focus off the bachelorette? It''s one of her best friends.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 5/29/2008 9:52:17 PM
Author: ringshopper2008
One thing that came up - she has a bachelorette party to go to the night after we move in. Will I be spoiling the bachelorette party, as it will turn into ''look who got engaged'', and take the focus off the bachelorette? It''s one of her best friends.

That''s very astute and sensitive of you; kudos for considering that. It''s very possible that her friend may feel as though your girl is stealing her thunder, and even if she doesn''t, some of the other girls there may feel that way.

 

[Haven]

Date: 5/29/2008 9:52:17 PM
Author: ringshopper2008
One thing that came up - she has a bachelorette party to go to the night after we move in. Will I be spoiling the bachelorette party, as it will turn into 'look who got engaged', and take the focus off the bachelorette? It's one of her best friends.

I don't understand this type of "you're stealing my thunder" thinking that some women (or are they girls?) seem to have.

People do not have a limited reserve of joy that to be shared with others during celebratory moments in life. Celebrating one friend's special moment does not take away from one's ability to share in another's as well.

If you want to propose on this particular night because it marks an enormous life-changing event (moving in together) then you go ahead and do it. If the bride-to-be is mopey at her own bachelorette party because of your future fiancee's immense joy, that is her own fault. My guess is that this one day marks the most special day for you to propose. I wouldn't let that pass me by if I were you.

Good luck! Good wishes! Good love!

 

[galeteia]

Date: 5/29/2008 10:58:08 PM
Author: Haven
I don''t understand this type of ''you''re stealing my thunder'' thinking that some women (or are they girls?) seem to have.


People do not have a limited reserve of joy that to be shared with others during celebratory moments in life. Celebrating one friend''s special moment does not take away from one''s ability to share in another''s as well.

I agree, it''s strange and I can''t relate to it either, but I have noticed this kind of behaviour can and does happen. It really depends on the people involved, but my point was it''s very perceptive of Ringshopper to consider the possibility.

My best friend''s cousin got engaged and married within 6 months after my friend''s brother had the nerve to get engaged first even though she was ''eldest''(

), and apparently quite deliberately went about trying to take attention away from her SIL''s engagement festivities, shower, etc.

Ringshopper, are you two going to be signing a lease, etc before moving in together?

 

[ringshopper2008]

Date: 5/29/2008 11:11:14 PM
Author: Galateia

Date: 5/29/2008 10:58:08 PM
Author: Haven
I don't understand this type of 'you're stealing my thunder' thinking that some women (or are they girls?) seem to have.


People do not have a limited reserve of joy that to be shared with others during celebratory moments in life. Celebrating one friend's special moment does not take away from one's ability to share in another's as well.

I agree, it's strange and I can't relate to it either, but I have noticed this kind of behaviour can and does happen. It really depends on the people involved, but my point was it's very perceptive of Ringshopper to consider the possibility.

My best friend's cousin got engaged and married within 6 months after my friend's brother had the nerve to get engaged first even though she was 'eldest'(

), and apparently quite deliberately went about trying to take attention away from her SIL's engagement festivities, shower, etc.

Ringshopper, are you two going to be signing a lease, etc before moving in together?

Galateia and Haven - I agree with each of your points. In a perfect world, we wouldn't have to think so far into situations like this, but the reality is that it definitely does happen. Let's figure if I don't do it the night we move in, then the luster of proposing on our 1st night living together goes away... so that's the tough part.

As for the lease- We have actually already signed the paperwork for the apartment.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/30/2008 8:31:54 AM
Author: ringshopper2008
Galateia and Haven - I agree with each of your points. In a perfect world, we wouldn't have to think so far into situations like this, but the reality is that it definitely does happen. Let's figure if I don't do it the night we move in, then the luster of proposing on our 1st night living together goes away... so that's the tough part.


As for the lease- We have actually already signed the paperwork for the apartment.

Do you have a plan as to how to propose on that 1st night? Maybe you could manage to do it both ways--wait up until she gets home from the party, have her snuggle up next to you in bed, and turn to her and say something like, "Moving in together with you has made this the perfect day, and I didn't want to start another one until I asked you to be my wife" or something like that? That way she doesn't *potentially* (and inadvertently) touch on people's nerves about it being *her friend's* night, and you still get to work off the magic of your first night together?

Of course, she might not be able to sleep then because she is so excited, so that might not be the best. Just trying to work with both issues....

 

[ringshopper2008]

Date: 5/30/2008 9:41:21 AM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 5/30/2008 8:31:54 AM
Author: ringshopper2008
Galateia and Haven - I agree with each of your points. In a perfect world, we wouldn''t have to think so far into situations like this, but the reality is that it definitely does happen. Let''s figure if I don''t do it the night we move in, then the luster of proposing on our 1st night living together goes away... so that''s the tough part.


As for the lease- We have actually already signed the paperwork for the apartment.

Do you have a plan as to how to propose on that 1st night? Maybe you could manage to do it both ways--wait up until she gets home from the party, have her snuggle up next to you in bed, and turn to her and say something like, ''Moving in together with you has made this the perfect day, and I didn''t want to start another one until I asked you to be my wife'' or something like that? That way she doesn''t *potentially* (and inadvertently) touch on people''s nerves about it being *her friend''s* night, and you still get to work off the magic of your first night together?

Of course, she might not be able to sleep then because she is so excited, so that might not be the best. Just trying to work with both issues....

My plan for the 1st night is earlier in this thread...

The party is on the 2nd night - I can''t do it that night, because there is no way she''ll be sober enough when she gets home to receive a proposal.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/30/2008 9:47:08 AM
Author: ringshopper2008
My plan for the 1st night is earlier in this thread...


The party is on the 2nd night - I can''t do it that night, because there is no way she''ll be sober enough when she gets home to receive a proposal.

Whoops, sorry. I''ve been reading the whole thread, but I guess I missed the plan there in the middle. It sounds lovely! If she is too tired to go out for dinner the night you move in, I think getting some sort of takeaway (Chinese! or pizza) and eating it surrounded by boxes of your things could turn out ultra-romantic for a proposal. Very real and intimate.

Oh yeah, I forgot that some ladies out there do the traditional party-it-up-until-you''re-trashed bachelorette nights, sorry! Getting proposed to while drunk wouldn''t be very nice, no.

Honestly, I don''t know which way you''re leaning--even though there is possibly some danger of weirdness if she shows up to the bachelorette party engaged, I don''t think you should let that dictate when and how you propose. If your ideal is to do it the night you move in together because THAT''S a magic time for you, then do it! Anyone who wouldn''t be truly happy for your lady isn''t that great a friend anyway. But who knows! They might be. Innocent until proven guilty.

 

[merlinthecat]

Hello ring shopper!

I''d go for the day you move in.....it will just make the start of living together so memorable!

Tell us about the ring?