Another reason I hate weddings

[Bonfire]

Obviously not all brides, bridal attendants, and weddings are created equal. So making comparisons is moot. Lots of times brides-to-be ask their attendants before they know the exact wedding date. Her snippy hurtful comment to you was unnecessary though.
Whatever you decide, watch the movie "Bridesmaids". Watch it again if you've already seen it and pay special attention to the bridal shower part. It definitely illustrates the over the top one ups man ship between bridesmaids. Hilarious!!!! Maybe it will help put things into perspective for you?

 

[luv2sparkle]

Oh Niel, this sounds like a nightmare. I really hope you can walk away. It just sounds awful all the way around.

 

[lambskin]

Get out while you can. Why put yourself through it when you do not have to?

You will eat the $150 but you will bw money ahead if you quit now- if you don't you have to pay for the Bparty, gift, shoes, transport, and more crap she will throw at you. You will have a crappy time as the others will probably think that you are a party pooper re the Bparty and you are not close to anyone. If you are OK cutting her off forever by quitting now BY All MEANS do so-life is too short. Focus on your kids instead of a bridezilla anf her diva friends.

 

[gregchang35]

You're a better friend than I...I would have bailed. Good warning for brides...dont pick your bridesmaids 2 years out.

To be honest, it doesnt sound like the bride is causing a lot of the issues...well at least not on purpose? Sounds like it's more
the other bridesmaids?

Dresswise, the bride probably figured anything will look good on you so she concentrated on picking out something that would work
for the plus size ladies...I bet you do look good in it...maybe not your best, but I bet you still look good. (post pics, I'd love to see
and I'll be sure to tell you how good you look ...or on the other hand, I might have to tell you to just suck it up, it's only one
day ) . She SHOULD have told the bridesmaids that they need to be in by such and such date at the latest to order their
dresses. That was a mistake on her part.

As far as the party, she might not want to get caught in the middle of the party planning so didnt want to give a definitive answer.
She might feel like she doesnt want to hurt someone's feelings. I think the other bridesmaid has a lot of nerve telling you
what to do. I would have said its all on you then and backed out. I think she'll regret a 3-days-before the wedding
bachorlette party (well, if it's a decent one she will)!

Feel free to vent away...there are soooo many things about weddings to vent about!

I'm certain that's how she felt. "If this works for the hard to fit bridesmaids, then Niel will be fine." And I would have said that too had we all been there as I know it can be frustrating for some figures to find clothes. However, I think we can all agree regardless if our body types, you can be self conscious about how we look. But again that's not really what bothers me, more so what bothers me is I had no idea how long it took to arrive.

When I got married I had a very particular dress I wanted them to wear. I scoped it out on eBay to find it in their sizes for the cheapest price. And I found them, I ordered them, I made sure they all fit and had what they needed.

Even that though, fine whatever that's what you sign up for these days with being a BM. What got me raging was her response when I asked her the day of her wedding. "Anyone who cares about us has known for 2 years".

Like, the balls to say that. She didn't send out STD, in my opinion, because she didn't want to pay for them. Which I get they are expensive. Like, she used that, plus them being a waste of paper as an excuse. I told her that not everyone remembers comments about a date, and I would would personally design the STD. The company I work for has a printer, she could have had them done for 10 bucks plus stamps. To alleviate her concerns about paper I told her to put on the back " bring to reception to redeem a photo booth ticket" or something so she could recycle them. Nope. Just got "people who care will know, people who don't know I don't need at my wedding".

That would have been MY exit strategy. No more dramas. The dress you bought could be worn at........given to charity..... or.....

from the limited reading i have had, it seems that she is potentially honoring when she asked you to be her BM 2 years ago.
If you are still a 'friend' to her, you could bicker from the point that "if i am your BMs, you could have at least told me unless you no longer want me as BM". But by doing so, you are buying into more of the drama. or you could exit from all of this.

Lives change paths in 2 years. Many friends become acquaintances; other acquaintances become your support.

 

[Gypsy]

In my experience. Brides, for whatever reason, often do not understand that while their wedding day might be a BFD to them, but for everyone else it's just another day. Not engraved on everyone's calendar in blood. Save the dates are a silly place to save money. You can send e-versions very affordably.

I agree with the other posters who are advising you to get out of this. Honestly, you probably shouldn't have accepted the BM position for someone that you really don't love and adore and who isn't an active and enduring part of your life.

Things change. Relationships evolve. And weddings can always be depended on to be A) full of drama and B) expensive. 180 isn't actually unreasonable at all, and all bridesmaids should expect the dress to be ugly and unflattering and not worth the markup. It's a stereotype for a reason.

I have been a bridesmaid once, for my best friend of 22 years. And only her, for a reason. I watched my husband in bridal party after bridal party, and the guys get less drama. But between the cost of the bachelor parties, the tux rentals, airfare, and other expenses we easily spent a minimum of three THOUSAND dollars on these things. And a couple years later, where are those relationships? No where.

That's why when we got married, we each had only one attendant. A person we knew we would always have in our lives. Mine was my best friend, his was his nephew.

 

[mochiko42]

Urgh. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

 

[missy]

Niel, you are probably venting here and already have your mind up to just get through this whole affair and that's cool. But if you are asking for advice my thoughts are I would politely bow out.

Like some of the others here I have turned down requests to be a bridesmaid when I was in my 20s and 30s (haha no requests in this decade yet so another plus with getting older-no one asks you to be a bridesmaid LOL ). The reason I turned the requests down is because I didn't feel we were close enough friends for me to go through all the brouhaha one has to (usually) go through when in the wedding party. I still ended up being a bridesmaid over half a dozen times but at least they were for good friends most of whom I am in still close contact with despite almost 2-3 decades having passed. So it was worth the stress and expense going through it for those close friends. Though I do remember the first time I was a bridesmaid I was 19 and I had no money and it was an expensive dress (and super ugly) and I just did it because she was a good friend.

When I got married I only had my sister as maid of honor (and I let her pick her dress and just requested it be dark blue) and no bridesmaids though I had a few good close friends who would have been more than happy to be bridesmaid and while some of them acted disappointed but I think mostly they were all relieved. I know if I were in their shoes I would have been relieved. The wedding day is a great day for the bride and groom and perhaps the parents and maybe siblings. But for everyone else at best it's a fun party. That's it. And to ask people to go through the expense of being in the wedding, buying a dress and shoes, throwing showers etc it just doesn't feel right to me unless you are the closest of close and also you know your friends can afford it without it being a financial burden.

Honestly I just feel weddings have gotten way out of hand and silly stupid with the amount of money many spend. And again it's cool if you have the money and that's what you want to do with it but don't drag your so called friends into this and then the way she is treating you? No that's why IMO it's OK for you to now decline saying whatever you like. Anything if you feel like sparing her feelings or just the truth nicely put.

Bottom line is relationships change and it doesn't seem that this one has changed overnight but over the past 2 years and if you want to just finish this and go through with being in the wedding party that's fine and if you don't that's fine too. Do what *you* want to do and remember you are not committing some awful crime or terrible act if you tell the bride you can no longer be a bridesmaid. Just do what you feel is right and best. And definitely skip the shower. OMG in the middle of the week on a school and work night? Umm no thanks. Just like another poster said I would be home in my pjs but instead of 9:30 make it 9PM.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this and good luck. Hey at least this friend introduced you to your dh so you could just chalk it up to that and get through it and be done. Without her you might never be with your dh and have your sweet child...another way to look at it if it helps at all.

 

[Niel]

In my experience. Brides, for whatever reason, often do not understand that while their wedding day might be a BFD to them, but for everyone else it's just another day. Not engraved on everyone's calendar in blood. Save the dates are a silly place to save money. You can send e-versions very affordably.

I agree with the other posters who are advising you to get out of there. [/b]

Things change. Relationships evolve. And weddings can always be depended on to be A) full of drama and B) expensive. 180 isn't actually unreasonable at all, and all bridesmaids should expect the dress to be ugly and unflattering and not worth the markup. It's a stereotype for a reason.

I have been a bridesmaid once, for my best friend of 22 years. And only her, for a reason. I watched my husband in bridal party after bridal party, and the guys get less drama. But between the cost of the bachelor parties, the tux rentals, airfare, and other expenses we easily spent a minimum of three THOUSAND dollars on these things. And a couple years later, where are those relationships? No where.

That's why when we got married, we each had only one attendant. A person we knew we would always have in our lives. Mine was my best friend, his was his nephew.

Well when she asked, 6months into her new relationship, she we had been very close,she was in my wedding, introduced me to my husband, there was no reason to have said no. 1.5 years go by with no mention of BM duties until ji get a Facebook group message from her and her other bridesmaids. At that point, sure, I could have told her I wasn't her bridesmaid, but I don't think when I accepted the offer I shouldn't have. And frankly, declining when asked is different than telling her I backed out. And at that time I was fine to do the things because I had agreed in the first place. I didn't think it would be such a pain

 

[madelise]

I haven't read all the responses yet, but I was on the opposite end. It was very awkward. I wished my friends would've just said no to me than to not have time and make it awkward. I ended up canceling the whole wedding party.




And yes, I f*cking HATE weddings.
I don't even want to go to my own.

 

[msop04]

Reading this thread makes me glad I didn't have a wedding party... so much BS and drama. Sorry, Niel.

 

[Queenie60]

I haven't read all the responses yet, but I was on the opposite end. It was very awkward. I wished my friends would've just said no to me than to not have time and make it awkward. I ended up canceling the whole wedding party.




And yes, I f*cking HATE weddings.
I don't even want to go to my own.

I'm sorry Madelise - hope you can enjoy your wedding. What a shame that all of the "friends and family" involved can make this time that should be special for you, a living hell and nothing but stress. I remember (many years ago) when I got married, feeling the stress of everything. It does pass, I promise! Wishing you well.

 

[amc80]

Think about how you would feel if you didn't have a relationship with her in another 1/2/5/10 years. Are you sad or do you not really care? If you don't care, I would bow out. Send her a wedding present and move on with your life.

Also, no way would I go to a mid-week B party. Even on weekends I'm in bed by 10. Ah, middle age.

 

[House Cat]

Think about how you would feel if you didn't have a relationship with her in another 1/2/5/10 years. Are you sad or do you not really care? If you don't care, I would bow out. Send her a wedding present and move on with your life.

Also, no way would I go to a mid-week B party. Even on weekends I'm in bed by 10. Ah, middle age.

You people stay up LATE!

9:00 pm is bedtime for this forty-year-old.

 

[amc80]

Think about how you would feel if you didn't have a relationship with her in another 1/2/5/10 years. Are you sad or do you not really care? If you don't care, I would bow out. Send her a wedding present and move on with your life.

Also, no way would I go to a mid-week B party. Even on weekends I'm in bed by 10. Ah, middle age.

You people stay up LATE!

9:00 pm is bedtime for this forty-year-old.

 

[rainwood]

The solution seems clear to me. Thank your lucky stars that the Wednesday night bachelorette party doesn't really work for you, tell the other BM that you won't be able to come because it's a work night and you have small kids. Then add that since you aren't able to come, it makes more sense for others to do the planning and that you're sure it will be a great time! Don't ask, just tell her that and don't go and don't pay for any of it either.

I think you're obligated to be a BM unless not being able to go to the bachelorette party turns into major drama and the bride asks you to step out. Think of it as an investment in a friendship that used to be important to you. In a month, it will all be over.

 

[KaeKae]

The solution seems clear to me. Thank your lucky stars that the Wednesday night bachelorette party doesn't really work for you, tell the other BM that you won't be able to come because it's a work night and you have small kids. Then add that since you aren't able to come, it makes more sense for others to do the planning and that you're sure it will be a great time! Don't ask, just tell her that and don't go and don't pay for any of it either.

I think you're obligated to be a BM unless not being able to go to the bachelorette party turns into major drama and the bride asks you to step out. Think of it as an investment in a friendship that used to be important to you. In a month, it will all be over.

This. Especially if the other BMs really do want to go ahead with the weeknight party. That's beyond the call of duty for you and gives you the perfect (imo) out. Give your regrets, and unless the &^%$ hits the fan over this, go ahead and follow through on the wedding as planned. Time will tell whether the friendship will go beyond the wedding day, but you know you did what you could under the circumstances.

 

[Gypsy]

I don't about others' experiences but I have NEVER heard of anyone loving being a bridesmaid. All I've ever heard are complaints. Even when the brides are reasonable, objectively. It's a thankless task, largely. In a stressful situation. With a bunch of other stressed out people. And it often costs upwards of $500 by the time the dress, alterations, and activities are done.

I was a very reasonable bride. I told her she could wear any dress she wanted. All she had to do is show up, hold my bouquet, and make a small speech and smile for some pictures. She paid 200 bucks for the black dress she wore and $60 for the makeup/hair. She paid 300 for the tickets out to the wedding. And she stayed with me. And I told her I didn't expect a gift, but she got me one anyway. Still cost her $600.

My best friend was one of the most reasonable brides ever. She had one request: linen dresses. So (there were two of us) found one, bought it and showed up to the salon to get our hair done. Attended the (very small ceremony) and took (a total of a 1/2 hour) some pictures. No, bachelorette party. No shower. And the reception was a breakfast, no dancing. Still cost me $400 when all was said and done. And there was drama. Not from the bride, from the other bridesmaid.

If you have an active life, 2 kids, and a job, then frankly, you are probably already tapped out. You hate weddings. And you aren't terribly close to this woman.

I'm sorry but I think your expectations were a little rosy and complaining about a, very reasonable, $180 dress isn't really fair.

 

[Niel]

I don't about others' experiences but I have NEVER heard of anyone loving being a bridesmaid. All I've ever heard are complaints. Even when the brides are reasonable, objectively. It's a thankless task, largely. In a stressful situation. With a bunch of other stressed out people. And it often costs upwards of $500 by the time the dress, alterations, and activities are done.

I was a very reasonable bride. I told her she could wear any dress she wanted. All she had to do is show up, hold my bouquet, and make a small speech and smile for some olctures. She paid 200 bucks for the black dress she wore and $60 for the makeup/hair. She paid 300 for the tickets out to the wedding. And she stayed with me. And I told her I didn't expect a gift, but she got me one anyway. Still cost her $600.

My best friend was one of the most reasonable brides ever. She had one request: linen dresses. So (there were two of us) found one, bought it and showed up to the salon to get our hair done. Attended the (very small ceremony) and took (a total of a 1/2 hour) some pictures. No, bachelorette party. No shower. And the reception was a breakfast, no dancing. Still cost me $400 when all was said and done. And there was drama. Not from the bride, from the other bridesmaid.

If you have an active life, 2 kids, and a job, then frankly, you are probably already tapped out. You hate weddings. And you aren't terribly close to this woman.

I'm sorry but I think your expectations were a little rosy and complaining about a, very reasonable, $180 dress isn't really fair.

whatever you say gypsy. I don't know how often I can say "it's ugly but whatever Ill wear it" until you get that that's not what I am upset about. What annoys me in general is she took other bride's maids to pick it out while not inviting me
Then, not advising me of her wedding date so I knew when it needed to be ordered while at the same time guilting me for not already knowing.
My offhanded comment about its appearance is only to add detail to the story.

And you're right. Being a bridesmaid is lame. I just wanted to vent, as I said. But you're right. I'm lucky I'm not spending more. You've got your point across

 

[Tekate]

I'm sorry to sound old and annoying but a two year engagement is a year too long... Sorry for this stress, weddings don't seem to have changed much in 40 years.. annoying, stressful and BMs who have lives outside the bride.

 

[Lovinggems]

The solution seems clear to me. Thank your lucky stars that the Wednesday night bachelorette party doesn't really work for you, tell the other BM that you won't be able to come because it's a work night and you have small kids. Then add that since you aren't able to come, it makes more sense for others to do the planning and that you're sure it will be a great time! Don't ask, just tell her that and don't go and don't pay for any of it either.

I think you're obligated to be a BM unless not being able to go to the bachelorette party turns into major drama and the bride asks you to step out. Think of it as an investment in a friendship that used to be important to you. In a month, it will all be over.

I like rainwood's take on this. Good luck, don't stress too much and let this get to you.

 

[Elfresh]

Confailulations

I mean to put it on another hand getting PAID to go a wedding that isn't some you know is an option

life coule be worse

 

[momhappy]

Niel - I can appreciate that you came here to vent and I think I understand why you are (because your situation is complicated due to the current state of you relationship with the bride-to-be). I get that and I'm not going to offer you any words of advice in terms of how you should consider yourself "lucky" because of X, Y, or Z.... I'm sorry that you're dealing with this and I hope that you find some way to get through it without complicating your life any more than it already has

 

[Niel]

Niel - I can appreciate that you came here to vent and I think I understand why you are (because your situation is complicated due to the current state of you relationship with the bride-to-be). I get that and I'm not going to offer you any words of advice in terms of how you should consider yourself "lucky" because of X, Y, or Z.... I'm sorry that you're dealing with this and I hope that you find some way to get through it without complicating your life any more than it already has

Thank momhappy!

 

[VRBeauty]

Noel: I understand that you're venting and that you don't really consider backing out of your commitment to be an option. But I have to tell you, my heart aches for you as I read this thread. Telling you that if you really cared you'd have known the wedding date? That's either incredibly thoughtless on the brides part, or calculated to sting. Leaving you out of the dress hunting excursion? Ditto. Telling you - through a surrogate - not to contact her about the BP planning? I can see where the bride might be feeling overwhelmed or even exasperated, but OUCH! I know that each of those things seems small and you might feel petty complaining about them, but when you look at them all together, it's not a pretty picture. Combine that with the fact that you're really not a part of this girl's life anymore, and vice versa....

Please consider this: try to imagine that your daughter, or a treasured niece, is in your shoes, and is describing the situation to you. What would you advise her?

Hugs to you!

 

[House Cat]

For the record...

I love being a bridesmaid, ugly dresses and all! I love gathering around the bride, holding a bouquet, getting hair and make-up done, getting drunk at the wedding, dancing..... woot!


Now I'm old... All of my friends are married and popping out kids.... No more debauchery! Now it's just picking out paint colors and countertops, debating botox, wondering where my fabulous boobs went, going out and having fun three times per year...

Niel, if you do go through with all of this bridesmaid crap, maybe you should just make the most of it. Soon, everyone will be married and you will be in a different stage of life and you will have this as a memory. Do what you can to make it fun... Yeah, they are all young-in-the-head twits, but fun can be had with them too. It's light-hearted fun with those types. Sometimes we all need to let loose.

I know, easier said than done...talk about puppies and lipstick.

 

[House Cat]

Think about how you would feel if you didn't have a relationship with her in another 1/2/5/10 years. Are you sad or do you not really care? If you don't care, I would bow out. Send her a wedding present and move on with your life.

Also, no way would I go to a mid-week B party. Even on weekends I'm in bed by 10. Ah, middle age.

You people stay up LATE!

9:00 pm is bedtime for this forty-year-old.

Oh gosh, how did you know?

 

[kenny]

For the record...

I love being a bridesmaid, ugly dresses and all! I love gathering around the bride, holding a bouquet, getting hair and make-up done, getting drunk at the wedding, dancing..... woot!


Now I'm old... All of my friends are married and popping out kids.... No more debauchery! Now it's just picking out paint colors and countertops, debating botox, wondering where my fabulous boobs went, going out and having fun three times per year...

Niel, if you do go through with all of this bridesmaid crap, maybe you should just make the most of it. Soon, everyone will be married and you will be in a different stage of life and you will have this as a memory. Do what you can to make it fun... Yeah, they are all young-in-the-head twits, but fun can be had with them too. It's light-hearted fun with those types. Sometimes we all need to let loose.

I know, easier said than done...talk about puppies and lipstick.

Great post, House Cat.

... turning lemons into lemonade.

Of course, only Niel knows where her heart leads her on this one.

 

[LJsapphire]

TBF I agree with Niel and some of the others that expectations on BMs can be a bit high. (Sorry late to join in, but i've been reading & had nothing useful to add). I've never been a bridesmaid myself.

When I got married in 2007, I had 2 BMs. An adult & a girl (her daughter). We paid for their dresses.
About £300 between them. They were the gf of the best man and her daughter, soon after the best man and my BM split up and I never saw them again.
I organised my own hen/bachelorette party. My BM wasn't working at the time so I paid for her night out and the day time activities (we had mobile beauty therapist, butler in the buff and hired a hot tub in my parents' back garden in August). It was a weekend.

All she had to was attend the parties, and the wedding- and we all had a nice time. It would've been nice if someone could have done some organising for me but we were in different cities. At least I had control myself.

When I get remarried I don't think I'm going to bother with bridesmaids, I doubt I'll even have a hen party. I could probably count 6-8 female friends who I would invite if I did, and 3 of those are my mother & my friends' mothers
Thinking back, I can understand how people become bridezillas though - its easy to get obsessed and stress over the smallest thing.

I do feel for you Niel, you're being asked to pay out without being given many options or thought, and if you're not even close to the bride any more its hard. Her comments about the date were unforgivable, I'd have told her where to get off at that point.

 

[LJsapphire]

I'm sorry to sound old and annoying but a two year engagement is a year too long... Sorry for this stress, weddings don't seem to have changed much in 40 years.. annoying, stressful and BMs who have lives outside the bride.

my fiancé thinks this too, he says people might die within those 2 years!

 

[lovedogs]

I'm sorry to sound old and annoying but a two year engagement is a year too long... Sorry for this stress, weddings don't seem to have changed much in 40 years.. annoying, stressful and BMs who have lives outside the bride.

my fiancé thinks this too, he says people might die within those 2 years!

haha, my DH and I were engaged for 2 years, but were both in PhD programs at the time so wanted the time to plan since we knew we were both really busy (and he mostly didn't want to make any decisions ).

But it was pretty hard to pick bridesmaids this way, since the one I asked to be my maid of honor was (at the time) my best friend, but then moved and we drifted apart. Luckily I really didnt care about any of the traditional stuff, they could pick whatever dresses they wanted in any fabric as long as it was a plum/eggplant color, and no expectations or anything about a bachelorette party since I dont enjoy drinking or going out. We just had a low-key dinner in the end. They paid for the dresses, but I paid for them to get make-up and hair. I hope it wasn't too annoying for them, but definitely (in hindsight) the bridesmaid choice should have waited until I was closer to the date itself!