Anxiety. What is normal?

[Octavia]

It's not nearly at the level some have described here, but I also have some anxiety issues. I was never exactly a carefree person, but I definitely became a less happy and more anxious person during law school. I had freak-out moments where I was sure that the little cough I'd had meant some sort of lung disease, or that the mole on my back was growing and turning cancerous, etc. Sometimes I would just feel frozen, like I was completely incapable of doing the work I needed to do. It was not a good time, overall. It's much better now that I'm done with school and have passed the bar, but I'm definitely not at my old "normal." And now I find myself stressing constantly about finances because my job is a temporary appointment and who knows what I'll find after, the organization my DH works for isn't in the best financial shape either, and the political/economic/general news is always so depressing. My DH is similar to some other posters' in that he really doesn't sweat this stuff and thinks everything will always be just fine, which kind of stresses me out more. I think it's partly because he got a high-paying job out of college and had minimal student loans, so he has never had to struggle as an adult. Whereas I got a crappy-paying job after college and then lived on student loans, so I feel like I've always been struggling to make ends meet. Until my/our bank balances are way higher than they are now, I don't know that I can relax.

Anyway, I brought up the first part because I think inremember you saying awhile ago that law school had fundamentally changed you, and not necessarily for the better, and I feel exactly the same way. I don't know if it's the root of your problem or just a factor among many, but I don't think it's at all uncommon and I just wanted to offer some sympathy and hugs.

 

[Gypsy]

Wow. How to respond to such an outpouring of empathy and commiseration... and so many of you sharing so much helpful and honest experiences.

Crazy, but just thinking of responding is making me anxious because on the one hand I want to reply to each of you in depth, on the other hand... I'm at work. LOL.

So, I'll say this. I've read and re-read each of your posts. Each of your experiences. And can feel your shared pain, hope and caring. And I am overwhelmed and humbled by it.

To go into more history. Yes, it was lawschool that fundamentally changed me. I got very depressed and hopeless in lawschool. And then somehow afterward, when I recovered from that... there was this growing anxiety. About 2 years after lawschool I got into a car accident and couldn't drive for a while. That's when the anxiety started to overwhelm me.

It has been a tough couple of years. And in the last month things have been turning around (thankfully). But just not FAST enough. It's like there's a light at the end of the tunnel but as fast as I run, I can't get to it and I'm scared I never will.

I don't know what "normal" feels like anymore. It's like I'm in a fun house with distorting mirrors all the time, trying to find the one mirror that will show me what is real, but being faced with different distortions again and again, until I am afraid (petrified) that even if I see my real image I won't recognize it. Or that I will find it, but what reflects back at me is something wild and crazy and ... truly insane.

My worry isn't always specific. It's like white noise. I can look at ANYTHING and worry about it. For example I worry that the sheets don't match right now on my bed, and that my bedroom is a mess, and what that says about me as a wife and an adult. I worry that it means that I'm not really an adult, I'm just playing at one and failing at it.

I guess what I am worried most about is ME. And I can't shut ME out.

My therapist is new. I started seeing her just this year. And she is CBT trained and she has made a huge difference already-- she does challenge me and push me outside my comfort zone and she does bring perspective. But her voice can get drowned out unless I am very concious of it. The anxiety and drown anything out. So it is slow progress, and I have to be very careful to be MINDFUL, which can be tiring. Especially as it results in an internal battle against the anxiety. And I can only see her once a week. My medications are managed by a doctor who is caring and responsive-- and he is not my second opinion. But my fifth. And the regiment he's got me on is helping.

But the reason these last couple of months have been so bad is because the HOPE that better things are on the horizon, but the distance of them at the same time has been difficult. I just want so badly for things to be better and I am so scared they never will be. That even if I reach the light, it will end up sputtering out and leaving me in the dark again. That's been what's triggered this.

Anyway, I have no idea if my rabblings make sense. But well. I don't know if *I* make sense any more. And if they don't make sense... well, that's where I am at.

I am now going to go back and read your posts. Again. As they are a great comfort. I don't feel so alone. And that is priceless.

 

[blueiris]

To go into more history. Yes, it was lawschool that fundamentally changed me. I got very depressed and hopeless in lawschool. And then somehow afterward, when I recovered from that... there was this growing anxiety. About 2 years after lawschool I got into a car accident and couldn't drive for a while. That's when the anxiety started to overwhelm me.

It has been a tough couple of years. And in the last month things have been turning around (thankfully). But just not FAST enough. It's like there's a light at the end of the tunnel but as fast as I run, I can't get to it and I'm scared I never will.

I don't know what "normal" feels like anymore. It's like I'm in a fun house with distorting mirrors all the time, trying to find the one mirror that will show me what is real, but being faced with different distortions again and again, until I am afraid (petrified) that even if I see my real image I won't recognize it. Or that I will find it, but what reflects back at me is something wild and crazy and ... truly insane.

My worry isn't always specific. It's like white noise. I can look at ANYTHING and worry about it. For example I worry that the sheets don't match right now on my bed, and that my bedroom is a mess, and what that says about me as a wife and an adult. I worry that it means that I'm not really an adult, I'm just playing at one and failing at it.

I guess what I am worried most about is ME. And I can't shut ME out.

My therapist is new. I started seeing her just this year. And she is CBT trained and she has made a huge difference already-- she does challenge me and push me outside my comfort zone and she does bring perspective. But her voice can get drowned out unless I am very concious of it. The anxiety and drown anything out. So it is slow progress, and I have to be very careful to be MINDFUL, which can be tiring. Especially as it results in an internal battle against the anxiety. And I can only see her once a week. My medications are managed by a doctor who is caring and responsive-- and he is not my second opinion. But my fifth. And the regiment he's got me on is helping.

But the reason these last couple of months have been so bad is because the HOPE that better things are on the horizon, but the distance of them at the same time has been difficult. I just want so badly for things to be better and I am so scared they never will be. That even if I reach the light, it will end up sputtering out and leaving me in the dark again. That's been what's triggered this.

Anyway, I have no idea if my rabblings make sense. But well. I don't know if *I* make sense any more. And if they don't make sense... well, that's where I am at.

I am now going to go back and read your posts. Again. As they are a great comfort. I don't feel so alone. And that is priceless.

Oh Gypsy ... I just really feel for you. Again, you are so courageous to share all of this. I know that sharing can sometimes be cathartic, and I hope it is for you. I also know that sometimes hearing from others who are experiencing something the same, or similar, to you, can also help. As you said, you don't feel so alone! Feeling alone in dealing with such significant issues is such a terrible feeling. Though no one wants someone else to suffer (well, I take that back ... there are a few people I'd actually like to see suffer, and if that makes me a bad person then so be it!), it is easy to think, "Everyone else seems so normal. Why can't I be normal? Why do I obsess about all this stuff, and feel like my life is out of control, and no one else ever seems to feel that way?" I know that reading what those who've contributed to this thread say has helped me in this way, because NO ONE is my "real" life seems to have significant anxiety/worry issues like I do. They seem to float through life able to deal with whatever comes their way, and not to think and worry about things that have happened, are going to happen, or might happen.

I wish I felt like I could tell you that when those good things on the horizon come your way, you will be able to fully embrace them and your life will be better. But I suspect I will never be in a good enough place again to be that optimistic. I have gone through so much in my life that I think it has "killed" any natural optimism I had, and I know I had it. So I'm not a good person to say it will all be okay or even better than okay. But I can say that I truly admire you for addressing this, for working hard on this, and for getting up each day and putting one foot in front of the other. (Actually, I admire that about myself, too, because I sure as hell don't want to on many, many days.)

 

[CNOS128]

Law school kills souls! And dreams! (It killed mine, anyway). And I still don't have a job.

 

[Octavia]

What it does is teach us how to over-analyze; how to be a "problem-solver" by splitting one big problem into ten medium-sized ones, each with a full component of smaller issues...it never ends, and if it does the work ends, which is a problem in itself. I think for some lucky people, it's a learning experience but not a life-altering one. They can apply this to their work, then go home and have a good life. Others thrive on having a "problem"-filled life because it means more challenge and morecadversity, and their personalities tend that way. And for some of us, it's impossible to draw a line between the "good" problems and worries (the ones that keep us sharp and good at what we do, and put money in our bank accounts) and the "bad" ones (which sap our energy and our leisure time, and make us generally miserable). Then, as soon as one problem is solved, another pops up to take it's place, and it's a vicious cycle that we're trained to perpetuate. Sigh. I really wish I could go back four years...

 

[geckodani]

Aw sweetie. HUGS. Lots of them.

I briefly mentioned the history that led to my panic attacks. Without getting too much into it, a series of events led up to a very wrecked person for a while there. I have been to that dark place. I have crawled out of it, only to be thrown back in again. And again. And once more for good measure. And yet, here I stand, happy and whole. Well, mostly. Some things never completely heal. But you know what, they are a part of me now, and I wouldn't change them.

There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Always. I promise. Even when it seems like there is no possible way that you will ever reach it, you can, and you will. It might not be easy, and it might not be fast, but you can get there. And it's the people that care about you that can help you get there. Your husband, family, friends, and even a bunch of people on an internet web site that all care about you.

Normal... well, normal is subjective. Normal changes. What feels like a normal state of mind for me now is completely different from what normal felt like 5 years ago. I'm sure in another 5 years normal will be something else entirely. Try to find a place, a state of mind that fits, and run with that as normal for a while.

Don't let your experiences pull you to a place where you are afraid to be hopeful.

We care about you.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

~
I worry that something will happen to either my son or my husband. i've already been thru two serious illnesses and 2 years of unemployment and worrying didn't help. I can tell you if anything happened to my family, I would be finished. Everything else is just background noise.

 

[monarch64]

Blue Iris: the techniques I was told about involve making lists. Really mundane lists, like flavors of cereals, breeds of dogs, makes of cars...anything you can think of that you can make a list of. For example, on a recent trip that was a 3 hour drive from where we live, for the worst part where I get panicky feelings, I started making a list of every single cereal I could think of (I brought a pad of paper and pen). So it went like: Life, Special K, Lucky Charms, Alphabits, Corn Pops, ....you get the point. It helps to focus your mind on one idea and helps to keep you from freaking out. It was an absolute godsend to me and I will never be able to thank the person who suggested it to me enough.

Another concept/idea I either ( or both) read about or talked to this person about, was the idea that panic attacks happen once or twice, and then every other time WE ARE IN FEAR that they will happen again, thus causing undue anxiety. Once I started to figure out that I wasn't necessarily experiencing a full blown panic attack, that I was just AFRAID it would happen, I began to be able to talk myself out of having one. I was in control again!

That's kind of all I have for now. I am a work in progress and things are going well right now as far as my anxiety/panics. I used to travel the same highway everyday to commute to and from work and have awful fears (almost panics) about two certain points on my route. These days (I just drove it twice today) I have zero!

I also notice that if I'm not feeling well/in the best of health, i.e. if I've not eaten healthfully or I've let myself get dehydrated in the least, that I am more prone to anxiety. I believe that overall health has a lot to do with mental states. I have found that when I feel my healthiest, I am far less prone to attacks. (I'm sure that's been said here before, but I think it's really valid.)

 

[4ever]

But I know I have high anxiety. For me I think it is about control. I don't want to be in a negative situation without preparation, so I think about things and how I would handle a negative situation should it arise. I tend to be very prepared.

I can relate to the above quote, but I also think this preperation for negitives made me percive alot of situations as negitive when they may not have been.

I think I realised my (social) anxiety was not normal when it was preventing me from doing normal things I used to be able to do but I had started to overthink situations and stress myself out with all the things that could possibly happen that could possibly make me feel embaressed or uncomfortable. The terror and panic I experienced when my BF tried to make me do somthing that my anxiety would not allow (like going to a place I had not been before or talking to someone I did not know) was both crippiling and ridiculous.

I didn't seek help for it but I started to work really hard to examine what was making me feel this way and think rationally and logically rather then emotionally about social situations, take a couple of minutes to calm down and try again. Maybe instead of just taking a pill when you feel anxious, tell yourself you can have one if you still feel anxious in 5 minutes, and spend that 5 minutes examining the situation which is casing you stress logically, breathing deeply and see if you still need to take the pill.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Gypsy, your hopefulness for eventual escape from anxiety is wonderful... But I completely understand how that hopefulness in and of itself (& the fear that you'll never be free from anxiety) is enough to trigger a panic attack. The fact that you recognize the potential for downward spiral through dependence on prescriptions and/or alcohol is a BIG deal- good for you for your self-awareness! I hope you have lots of support IRL and with your care providers, but know that there are always PSers who wish the best for you!

Keep doing what you're doing & pushing yourself with CBT.

I'm currently battling specific anxiety/fear related to being home alone and dealing with a home invasion/burglary. (Am I eight years old, or something?) It is ruining my quality of life and health. It's hard to "live" when you cannot handle being in your own home! Though the worry is not fully unfounded, the chances of it happening are SO slim, yet it controls most of my thoughts. I'm petrified that this ridiculous obsession, panic, and anxiety with begin to seep into other areas of my life.

It is sometimes hard to think that there is a light at the end of a tunnel. When this anxiety began it was like someone flipped a switch in my brain. If it is ever switched back off, what's to say it won't be flipped back on by something else?

 

[Steel]

What it does is teach us how to over-analyze; how to be a "problem-solver" by splitting one big problem into ten medium-sized ones, each with a full component of smaller issues...it never ends, and if it does the work ends, which is a problem in itself. I think for some lucky people, it's a learning experience but not a life-altering one. They can apply this to their work, then go home and have a good life. Others thrive on having a "problem"-filled life because it means more challenge and morecadversity, and their personalities tend that way. And for some of us, it's impossible to draw a line between the "good" problems and worries (the ones that keep us sharp and good at what we do, and put money in our bank accounts) and the "bad" ones (which sap our energy and our leisure time, and make us generally miserable). Then, as soon as one problem is solved, another pops up to take it's place, and it's a vicious cycle that we're trained to perpetuate. Sigh. I really wish I could go back four years...

Wow. As mentioned before I'm also worked as a trainee lawyer (now recovered). I was logical before my degree & training but you are so right, I did change once I started..... So strange.

Gypsy: ((hugs))

 

[House Cat]

Another person who lives with chronic anxiety here.

For PTSD based anxiety, I do a therapy called EMDR. It is very effective and quick, gentle too. I've had many traumatic experiences in my life from a chaotic upbringing, to car accidents, to rape and many other things in between. It has caused me to live in constant fear, so for specific incidences, the EMDR works wonders. It keeps the memory from zinging through my mind, makes it so I don't have an actual physical reaction to the memory, and makes it so the memory is more in the background of my memory, rather than in the forefront. A major trauma might take two to three sessions at most to address, rather than six months of talk therapy.

I also do EFT to help with core beliefs (I'm not worthy. The world is unsafe. etc) This therapy is just catching on in the US, but is used in Europe and is highly regarded. What is upsetting is that the websites for EFT look very infomercial, sigh. Basically, you do therapy, while tapping on accupressure points. I have found EFT to be more effective than valium for bringing me down during an anxiety attack.

I've BTDT with being prescribed massive amounts of benzos by my psychiatrist. I've actually been told that if I become addicted, it's no big deal, we'll just wean me off! This isn't what I want for myself and have taken these medications with extreme caution. It's also pushed me to seek out body therapies that work quickly and effectively.

I just thought I would bring these therapies to your attention because you seem to be a bit impatient with the CBT process. I think CBT works very well for some people. I think if the anxiety is coming from a deeper place, then it should be reviewed.

When it comes to the meds, have you tried an antidepressant, rather than a benzo? I know a lot of people have success with antidepressants for anxiety. I also wanted to let you know that benzos have a rebound effect. Sometimes when you take them, they make you feel better immediately, but then when they wear off, the anxiety can come on twofold. I've read about this many years ago and have experienced it first hand many times. Watch for it and see if your body reacts to these meds in the same way. If so, maybe you would be better off drinking valerian tea or something or trying to find another way to weather through the anxiety attack.

 

[Porridge]

You are not alone Gypsy. It shows great strength and I really think it bodes well for your mental heath that you are so in tune with how you feel, and that you respect yourself enough to do something about it when you're not happy.

I don't experience much anxiety, and anyway you've gotten tons of great advice already, so I just want to give you hugs and reassurance. We all feel like we're not normal sometimes. It's not that you need to get back to being "normal", it's just that you need to remember that you are perfectly fine just the way you are. It's hard to find the way back to that, but you will get there. You are nearly there already. You are a smart girl, so as with everything you learn from this and the next time something tries to knock you off keel you will know what steps to take. Life had been tough for you lately, so give yourself a break, stop trying to hard for a while. Just take a breather, things will come around.

Everything will be ok.

 

[iLander]

Well . . . there are potentially a couple of things at play here:

How are you physically? Are you healthy, do you have a balanced diet? Do you take vitamins?

There are a HUGE quantity of nervous system issues that are a result of physical issues, mostly things that effect your brain chemicals. A good balance of brain chemicals make for a good central nervous system, which makes for a happy, balanced person. I am going to give you this piece of advice, and I would like you to follow it closely; I would like you to go out tomorrow and buy a good multivitamin and a high dose B-complex vitamin. B vitamins enhance the sheathing of your nerve cells, which makes you (and everybody else) less anxious. If the physical sheathing of your nerves is tattered and exposed, the firing of the synapses in your brain is exaggerated. It's like electricity flowing through an uncoated wire, it tends to go all over. If you are in the US, get thee to a Walgreens and buy Theragram M (it is now exclusive to Walgreens and contains a high dose of selenium which is SO good for you!) and a Nature Made Super B complex. You can also try this, but it's basically the same as what I "prescribed" for you:

http://www.geneva-health.com/levityplus/index.html

Now here's the proof: I had a friend of mine and she was starting to take prescriptions to deal with depression. I bought her some of the Levity pills and she felt SO MUCH better in 5 days, and stopped taking everything else in a couple of months. She's now her old self. It was a nutrient balance issue.

The tip-off was that this started in law school. Were you eating well in law school? A nutrient deficiency can lead to anxiety. Teens and young adults are prone to nutrient deficiencies.

Physiological psychiatry is a very difficult field, and you need a solid MD-type psychiatrist to help with that. A therapist usually isn't trained in this field.

Piece of advice number 2: are you sure you're anxious? Are you substituting anxiety for another emotion? Is there a possibility that you are actually angry, but rather than give yourself permission to feel that, you are subliminally "choosing" to feel anxious? I always tell my kids that depression is anger turned inward, and together we seek out what the real issue is. About 50% of the time, it turns out they're mad at one of their friends or a teacher, but didn't really realize it.

I also tell them that they are thinking about the issue too much. But it's hard to stop thinking about one particular thing because brain synapses will literally go in a loop if you let them. Don't tell yourself "I can't think about Blue (your anxieties). Don't think about Blue." That won't work. You have to think about Red. Something completely different. Start a substitution. Compile a list of things (fantasy relaxing places for instance) that you feel safe and calm thinking about. When you start to feel anxious, slot the new thing in. Concentrate on it. A book on or a therapist trained in biofeedback would be helpful in breaking the cycle which is caused by a synaptic loop. Biofeedback is usually used for pain management, but if you manage your anxiety symptoms with it, your brain will get out of the anxiety loop.

I didn't read your posts too carefully, just skimmed, so this may not be helpful at all. But thought I'd throw it out there.

 

[Gypsy]

Everyone's posts have been so helpful. A lot of you have given me things to try, to follow up with physically, told me what worked (and didn't work) for you, and generally have been so supportive and empathetic. Re-defining 'normal' is a good place to start, thank you guys for that. And I will check on some physiological factors that may be contributing as well.

The last 24 hours have been pretty good actually. I had therapy on Friday and we spoke a lot about how to handle and to re-train my brain. Some of it really is that I have to remember to stay present in the moment. When I have things I am hopeful for in the future, especially when it changes something that I am unhappy about in the present, I think about how great it will be in the future... then look at reality and it looks much worse. I need to stay here and try to appreciate the advantages of here. And to think through worst case senarios and face them.

SO... For example, I am waiting for a hear back from a great place I interviewed and just the hope that I could work there, and be doing that job makes me look at my job and I'm even MORE unhappy with it. But I can't control what the company and hiring manager decide. So, what I have to do is say... okay, what happens if I don't get the job (worst case scenario of this stressor)? Well, I still have this one. And keep looking. Not the end of the world. Is it the outcome I want? No, but I have control over applying to other jobs.

It helped. Plus, we are digging around in a lot of deep things, riling up and bringing to the surface some stressful stuff... so just the process of therapy isn't comfortable and will add to some anxiety in the short term with the goal of reducing it in the long term.

We also talked about things I can do to feel in control. Cleaning to make me feel like I have control over my environment for one thing. And other things like that.

I also got to spend a nice day with some friends and then with my husband. And was, for the first time in a long time, relaxed today.

And tomorrow we have some nice plans as well.

And no urges for alcohol or benzos. YAY. So, one day at a time. I can't say that it is easy. But your posts combined with therapy and a new cat, a supportive husband and some good friends are an unbeatable combo. Thank you guys.

And yeah, if anyone is thinking about lawschool. It's a good fit for some... but a bad fit for many. Be careful.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I don't have any help to give (I suffer from a lot of anxiety and discussing it produces quadruple anxiety) but I do have support to offer... and I'm really glad you had a good day

 

[galeteia]

A huge hug to you, Gypsy, for what you are going through. Kudos to you for not reflexively leaning on pills to deal with it, but instead tackling it head-on.

Can I ask what your history with anti-anxiety/depression meds is like? I'm on an SSRI, which has been a GODSEND. My dosages is pretty low, as my doctor prescribed it to me to 'take the edge off' so I would be more in control. Until then, I had NO buffer for anything that provoked ANY kind of tension. I couldn't stand to be in the same room as a TV, even commercials were too intense for me, let alone TV shows. I couldn't read books, couldn't listen to music, couldn't talk to people other than my mother and SO. The prospect of changing planes during a three hour layover had me shaking so hard I couldn't keep my salad on my fork. That's when I knew things were 'not normal', because we were a 1 minute walk away from our gate and had 3 hours to get there.

I know side effects can be a serious concern for people, but the only side effect I have had is a slight deadening of sexual responsiveness (physical responsiveness, my libido is normal, an awkward combination!) and although I still get anxious, I can watch TV, read, listen to music, teach in front of a new group of 20 total strangers every 3 weeks, talk to my MIL, and even recover from dealing with immigration within a day!

Also, iLander's suggestion of checking into your nutrition is a good idea; yesterday I was listening to a lively discussion on the BBC between a scientist who studies the tangle of stress/anxiety and the brain, and a scientist who studies stressors in bugs. They were amazed at the similarities- apparently when the quality of food degrades, bugs re-absorb their sexual organs and become strictly fight-or-flight, and stress is similarly disruptive to humans, although not in such a simplified way. She was talking about the effects that anxiety/stress has on the immune functions of the body, etc, and it's true that a nutrition imbalance will be a stressor on your body.

Sam Graci (Gracci?) created a nutritional supplement called Greens+ after working with 'troubled' youth and determining that a lot of their emotional and behavioural problems were linked to their poor diets. When their nutrition improved, so did their emotional issues.

Every little bit helps, right?

 

[katamari]

Thank you so much for this thread, Gypsy, and for everyone who shared their experiences. It has been wonderful and therapeutic for me to read.

I also struggle with anxiety. Mine is exasperated by low self-concept and a limited belief in agency (although not fatalism). Graduate school increased my anxiety tenfold, if not more. My therapist attributes it to the constant scrutiny, criticism, ranking, and posturing that happens in grad/prof programs. But, even as a child, if my mom was 10 minutes late from work, I would immediately begin imaging not only that she had died, but visualizing vivid scenarios that detailed how she had died. Every where I drive, I constantly think about how and where I am going to be in an accident. Again, often visualizing vivid scenarios. Unless I try to counter that with positive thoughts and visualizations of success.

I drank and self-medicated excessively at times. However, I have been working with my therapist now to be medication free. The trick for me, as you have found, is to focus on what I can control. I found the Getting Things Done model particularly helpful. However, I will say that it controls my work anxiety much better than other anxieties. Part of the reason GTD works for me, is that it emphasizes assessment and recognizing victories, accomplishments, and successes. Because of the self-concept issues, I particularly need that element. It makes me better able to visualize positive outcomes (another strategy that has worked for me). I also took up high-impact cardio and yoga. I am not doing either now for medical reasons and have noticed an unwanted spike in anxiety.

On the positive side, my therapist contends (and I agree) that, particularly for professionals, being somewhat anxious can inspire us to do wonderful things. It is about finding the balance.

 

[Porridge]

Good for you Gypsy, I am glad things are moving in the right direction. You will get there, and I hope you know what a relief and an inspiration this thread will be for others.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I am glad the CBT is working. CBT is very good to use with anxiety and distorted thinking issues (so is REBT). Does your therapist have you do the ABCs? Take a piece of paper and make 6 columns. Write ABCDEF on the top. Under A, is the activating event, you have applied for a new job. B, is the beliefs (your self-talk) ex. I am not going to get this job. I am going to be stuck in the job I hate forever, etc... C, is the emotional consequences. Ex. you have anxiety. D is the disputing intervention where you look at your distorted thoughts ex. You may have catastrophizing thinking if you think you will be in a dead end job forever. Or overgeneralizing if you think no one would ever want to hire you. E is for effective philosophy where you replace your distorted thoughts with more effective ones. F is for your new feelings after examining your irrational thoughts.

Change is a long, difficult, and painful process. Best of luck friend.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Also it can help to rate your anxiety. Write down the time, event, your emotions and then rate them on a scale of 100. Then re-rate those emotions 12 hours later (for example). Usually they will decrease with time and perspective.

 

[Imdanny]

Gypsy, I had my own mini-harrowing experience over the past few days. They had given me pain medication for my ankle. Ok, so I ran out. I mean it wasn't going to last forever and it was like a vacation from pain, from physical and emotional pain. So it ran out. Then I hit a wall. I spent the last day and 1/2 crying and trying to knock myself to sleep with depakote and ativan. No, not a lot, one of each until I would wake up again. Then same thing. Well, after doing that night before last and all day yesterday, and last night, and this morning, finally I took one of each pills and-- nothing. I can honestly say that this is first time a depokte didn't make me go to sleep. By that time, forget it, your body has had enough sleep. You're just not going to go to sleep. So I had to get up and deal with it. I feel a little better now. I have to make it until the 14th when I get my ativan refill, because even though they gave me enough for seven days, they slipped an eight day unaccounted for, because they're the insurance company, that's how they roll, blankety blanks. So said they shouldn't have given me the pain medication refills, well, maybe not, but I wasn't going to tell them that. So now I'm in this kind of "blah" stage today and tomorrow and tomorrow night, until I can get the pain medication out of my system, and the anti-anti-anxiety medication back on track (and hopefully they added one per day, I think that's what the whole misunderstanding, rigmarole was all about, although when they were talking to each other on the phone, I kind of was like, "what?", I didn't ask for that, but I couldn't do anything other than start yelling while the pharmacist was on the phone and I wasn't going to do that. I could talk to you about my experiences with anxiety but not in public. Maybe one day we can talk to each other through email and I'd be glad to. We can't break PS's rules of course but I'd be more than happy to talk to you in private if the opportunity arises somehow. Sending you peaceful thoughts and hugs. Danny

 

[JulieN]

I worry about things a lot. For example, I am studying for a March exam, and I am trying to live and breathe the subject. I couldn't deal with the day-to-day anxiety of doing HW in college, and was much less anxious if I just simply put it out of my mind. Of course, that made me crazy around exam time.

My bf is always telling me to relax.

I think the only way I could stop worrying is if I have enough money that I didn't need to work.

But it sounds like, with your job hunting and interviewing, a high level of anxiety is normal, and you're doing better. I think it is more problematic if you're having a high level of anxiety every day

 

[Gypsy]

Hi everyone, today I got to destroy a tile backsplash in a friend's kitchen remodel and it was WONDERFUL therapy. And made me realize that maybe twenty minutes on a treadmill a couple times a week might help my anxiety. I was anxious today. But when I was concentrating on physical activity and the endorphins from the actual activity were just fabulous.

My medications. I have depression, an anxiety disorder and insomnia. So I'm on Ambien to help me sleep, a SNRI as my main anxiety/depression med,and I'm on another medication that is used off label for anxiety and insomnia as an 'assist' to the SNRI. I have klonopin to assist with stuff instead of the ativan I was using a month ago. But I don't use it unless my Ambien completely fails. And I don't take Ativan anymore as it is the one I started getting addicted to.

Talking about my anxiety is anxiety inducing. ROFLMAO, sorry but it is true. So for the most part, confining things to this thread is at my threshold. I'm, as Galateia put it, not really able to process to much stimulus to certain things-- and for me it's too much of other people's stress. I'm pretty empathic and talking about other's issues makes me serious anxious and worried about them and starts a cycle of worrying, checking up to make sure they are okay that is... not healthy. I haven't learned how to do that. Even with my husband and my best friend it is REALLY hard ... this thread is in some ways an experiment for me because I'm used to putting up a 'normal' front except to the people closest to me-- on here and off here. And opening up here is... very hard because even though Gypsy isn't all of ME, it's (after 5 years) definitely not a ficational persona, it's pretty dead accurate to to much of me so talking about this is like standing out here in my undies (YIKES!). And letting people in is also very hard (and extremely stressful) in general for me-. At least letting them in beyond the superficial.

The people in my 'real life' who know about my anxiety issues are one of my two best friends, my husband and my mom (and my doctors, of course). So sharing it here, admiting to it here AND to temptation of addiction is just about as much I can handle right now.

I will look into the dietary suppliments with my doctor and see what might be a good fit for me. Tacori, no I haven't done that, I will ask about it. Galateia, the listing of accomplishments and retraining myself to try to find something positive to say about myself everyday is something my therapist has asked me to do, but I have been non-compliant. Maybe I will try it again, however.

Danny. Please, instead of not talking about what you have been going through in the last few days, do the opposite. Get your MD on the phone and alert them. There are a lot of red flags I recognize from my own life. Hiding pill intake, waiting for refills... that's very slippery slope. There are meds that are milder than what you are on, used for some de-tox that might help you to manage the rebounds. Cause from what you've said you are taking stuff, hitting a wall, declining and rebounding worse. I'm worried about you. And I can't do more than to please ask you to call someone, a psycho-pharmacologist (psychiatrist that specializes in medication management, not in therapy) would be a good choice. I go to one, and it has been a huge help. Many hugs.

For everyone else who suffers from this, who has shared on here with me, I am so glad to hear that this has helped some of you in some way. It makes me feel good. I like helping people. And it's not sometihng I can do as often as I like. ((HUGS))

 

[galeteia]

Living with no stimuli buffer is no way to live. My heart aches for you that you are enduring that right now, because it was an unsustainable way to exist. There are so many things people take for granted that you just can't tolerate. I used to have to have 'time-outs' in my darkened bedroom to avoid a hysterical meltdown triggered by something as silly as overhearing SO watching Hell's Kitchen, which would push me over the edge. If you are in that state, I am amazed by your strength to continue to work and interact with people, so give yourself credit for being so strong!

Since you are already 'in your undies', what do you think of making this thread a place for you to post something positive about yourself, your day, your life, etc? It could motivate you to do it daily. I'm all for a "Gypsy is awesome" thread! Or what about a private blog that trusted friends and family subscribe to?

 

[Octavia]

Aww, Gypsy, I wish I could give you a real hug and not just a virtual one. I'm glad, though, that you've found a bit of relief here and there, and I really do think that a bit more exercise will help (and if it doesn't, definitely won't hurt). I've always noticed that I feel significantly better when I get into the habit of exercising -- not in a specific way I can put my finger on, but just generally more open and relaxed. This past summer, I walked to and from my bar review classes, about 5k round-trip, and I swear it was the only thing that kept me sane and functional. So I really do think you're onto something with the exercise idea!

I also think it's great that you are seeing positives along with negatives. There's no denying that you've been through a pretty bumpy time these past couple years, and I really hope that this job comes through for you and ends up being a good fit. I know that won't necessarily solve everything, but every little bit helps, right? I'm sending dust and calming, healing thoughts your way, sweetie.

 

[partgypsy]

I have anxiety. For me it was very cyclical (period-dependent) where it builds up until I am most stressed out the week before I get my period, freaking out about stupid stuff, yelling at my kids for not picking up a piece of clothing etc. Then the morning I wake up feeling completely at peace, I know I'm going to get my period that day. I ended up going back on the pill for that (and other) reasons. The pattern is still there, but greatly reduced in magnitude.

Good luck, I hope you find something that works for you. Before going on the pill, things I did was regular exercise, reduce caffeine almost to nothing, and basically keeping busy during the day so I would be too "tired" to stay up at night stressing about stuff. All of those things helped to some degree but the hormone replacement was the most significant.

 

[Imdanny]

It's funny (well, not funny in a ha ha sense) but I knew the most beautiful young man in undergraduate school (an elite liberal arts college in the US, sounds snotty but it's true) and he went off to law school and it crushed his soul. I mean he was a different person. He was unrecognizable. It was so strange. I'm certainly not saying that happens to everyone but I couldn't deal with it, and I didn't even try.

I feel good about this thread, because I don't talk about this kind of thing often, but it helped, and you know what, if some people can deal with hearing about it, I appreciate it and that's great, and if others can't, well, I don't blame them. But I feel good about it. It hurts to keep it in all inside all time and present a kind of internet front. WTF? That doesn't do any good for me or for anyone else. I feel this thread has been kind of liberating.

I've done some extraordinary things in my life. I guessed I've messed a few thing up. I still have a lot to be grateful for and I do the best I can. I think that's about all anyone of us can ask from ourselves. So I suffer from anxiety and depression. It's not like I'm a bad person that has or would harm anyone. This isn't my fault. I've suffered quite a bit. On balance, I don't think I'm bad person. And, no, I don't intend to talk about this a lot in other threads. I don't think that would be particularly helpful. Good people of PS-land, file this way about how I'm not and perhaps some people you know aren't 'perfect' and unless I can specifically help someone if something comes up, I think I'll leave it at that. Thanks so much, Gypsy, for inspiring me that honest is the best policy.

 

[iLander]

It's funny (well, not funny in a ha ha sense) but I knew the most beautiful young man in undergraduate school (an elite liberal arts college in the US, sounds snotty but it's true) and he went off to law school and it crushed his soul. I mean he was a different person. He was unrecognizable. It was so strange. I'm certainly not saying that happens to everyone but I couldn't deal with it, and I didn't even try.

I feel good about this thread, because I don't talk about this kind of thing often, but it helped, and you know what, if some people can deal with hearing about it, I appreciate it and that's great, and if others can't, well, I don't blame them. But I feel good about it. It hurts to keep it in all inside all time and present a kind of internet front. WTF? That doesn't do any good for me or for anyone else. I feel this thread has been kind of liberating.

Awww . . . Danny . . . *hugs*.

 

[Imdanny]

It's funny (well, not funny in a ha ha sense) but I knew the most beautiful young man in undergraduate school (an elite liberal arts college in the US, sounds snotty but it's true) and he went off to law school and it crushed his soul. I mean he was a different person. He was unrecognizable. It was so strange. I'm certainly not saying that happens to everyone but I couldn't deal with it, and I didn't even try.

I feel good about this thread, because I don't talk about this kind of thing often, but it helped, and you know what, if some people can deal with hearing about it, I appreciate it and that's great, and if others can't, well, I don't blame them. But I feel good about it. It hurts to keep it in all inside all time and present a kind of internet front. WTF? That doesn't do any good for me or for anyone else. I feel this thread has been kind of liberating.

Awww . . . Danny . . . *hugs*.

Now I'm going to get emotional- hugs right back at you! You deserve only the best. I've really enjoyed getting to know you!