Any Ideas on How to Appease a Hubby Into an Upgrade?

[phoenixgirl]

I had difficulty concerning upgrading my wedding band from a plain band to a diamond band. Oh boy. So I understand what your friend is going through.

I think it''s important for her to point out how much she cherishes her original ring. Perhaps she could be it in a pendant or save it to match it for studs (I''d sit on that one for a while, though).

One point I''d bring up is how, while we all love that hand-me-down car we first drove and think of cruising around in it fondly, that was what we had at that time in our lives because that was all we could afford. As we get older and have more money, I hate to say it, but we''d like to keep up with the Jones''. This is something she wears every day, and she''d like her marriage set to reflect the success both relationally and financially that they''ve had since they got married.

I discovered that DH feels that since it is an engagement ring, it has to be the ring with which one got engaged. I pointed out that most older women have larger diamonds that are not original, and that upgrading is fairly common, and this made him go, "Hmmm, I hadn''t thought of that." Same thing with the diamond band -- he thought that since people called them anniversary rings, it could only be given on an important anniversary.

Thankfully, in the end, my heart''s desire trumped etiquette, but it was quite an ordeal just to get my little band of bling.

 

[Sparkster]

Traditional Wedding Anniversary Gifts
1st - First - Paper
2nd - Second - Cotton
3rd - Third - Leather
4th - Fourth - Fruit/Flowers
5th - Fifth - Wood
6th - Sixth - Candy/Iron
7th - Seventh - Wool/Copper
8th - Eighth - Bronze/Pottery
9th - Ninth - Pottery/Willow
10th - Tenth - Tin/Aluminium
11th - Eleventh - Steel
12th - Twelfth - Silk/Linen
13th - Thirteenth - Lace
14th - Fourteenth - Ivory
15th - Fifteenth - Crystal
20th - Twentieth - China
25th - Twenty-Fifth - Silver
30th - Thirtieth - Pearl
35th - Thirty-Fifth - Coral
40th - Fortieth - Ruby
45th - Forty-Fifth - Sapphire
50th - Fiftieth - Gold
55th - Fifty-fifth - Emerald
60th - Sixtieth - Diamond
Modern Wedding Gifts
First - Clocks
Second - China
Third - Crystal/Glass
Fourth - Appliances
Fifth - Silverware
Sixth - Candy/Iron
Seventh - Desk Sets
Eighth - Bronze/Pottery
Ninth - Linen/Lace
Tenth - Leather
Eleventh - Jewellery
Twelfth - Pearls
Thirteenth - Textiles/Furs
Fourteenth - Gold Jewellery
Fifteenth - Watches
Twentieth - Platinum
Twenty-Fifth - Silver
Thirtieth - Diamond
Thirty-Fifth - Jade
Fortieth - Ruby
Forty-Fifth - Sapphire
Fiftieth - Gold
Fifty-fifth - Emerald
Sixtieth - Diamond

To me, a second wedding anniversary isn''t something I would expect or want diamonds for. I''ve always felt that things like that should be reserved for 5th, 10th or 20th anniversaries.

 

[Mara]

sparkster, for shame!! diamonds only on 5th/10th or 20th?? what would the world come to!

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 8/20/2006 6:52:52 PM
Author: Mara
sparkster, for shame!! diamonds only on 5th/10th or 20th?? what would the world come to!

Yeah they need to revise that list, hehe. I am about to celebrate my 20th, on the traditional list I''d be getting china??? Oh puhlease......

 

[Mara]

i saw a book in a store that had the list of the gifts...i was amazed that the 10th is only TIN/aluminum. Like an altoids tin? Silver isn't even til 25th...that's insane. Even on the modern list, platinum is 20th and 25th is silver, when silver is way cheaper than platinum. Odd.

So I guess 'paper' could be like a gift certificate to a jewelry store...I can get behind that!!!

 

[mrssalvo]

Date: 8/20/2006 6:55:45 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 8/20/2006 6:52:52 PM

Author: Mara

sparkster, for shame!! diamonds only on 5th/10th or 20th?? what would the world come to!

Yeah they need to revise that list, hehe. I am about to celebrate my 20th, on the traditional list I''d be getting china??? Oh puhlease......

yeah, well i''m supposed to be getting candy/iron?????? hubby would take the iron in the form of new golf clubs though

.

 

[Sparkster]

Date: 8/20/2006 6:59:40 PM
Author: mrssalvo

Date: 8/20/2006 6:55:45 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 8/20/2006 6:52:52 PM

Author: Mara

sparkster, for shame!! diamonds only on 5th/10th or 20th?? what would the world come to!

Yeah they need to revise that list, hehe. I am about to celebrate my 20th, on the traditional list I'd be getting china??? Oh puhlease......

yeah, well i'm supposed to be getting candy/iron?????? hubby would take the iron in the form of new golf clubs though

.

You have to use your imagination here - not just candy, but eye candy in the form of diamond!

 

[monarch64]

Date: 8/20/2006 6:25:57 PM
Author: phoenixgirl
I had difficulty concerning upgrading my wedding band from a plain band to a diamond band. Oh boy. So I understand what your friend is going through.

I think it''s important for her to point out how much she cherishes her original ring. Perhaps she could be it in a pendant or save it to match it for studs (I''d sit on that one for a while, though).

One point I''d bring up is how, while we all love that hand-me-down car we first drove and think of cruising around in it fondly, that was what we had at that time in our lives because that was all we could afford. As we get older and have more money, I hate to say it, but we''d like to keep up with the Jones''. This is something she wears every day, and she''d like her marriage set to reflect the success both relationally and financially that they''ve had since they got married.

I discovered that DH feels that since it is an engagement ring, it has to be the ring with which one got engaged. I pointed out that most older women have larger diamonds that are not original, and that upgrading is fairly common, and this made him go, ''Hmmm, I hadn''t thought of that.'' Same thing with the diamond band -- he thought that since people called them anniversary rings, it could only be given on an important anniversary.

Thankfully, in the end, my heart''s desire trumped etiquette, but it was quite an ordeal just to get my little band of bling.

Phoenix, you said just what I have been thinking, in a much more eloquent way! People move into bigger homes, buy better cars, shop at more upscale stores all the time and it''s no big deal. To me, why should a diamond be any different? I know there is sentimental value attached, but the great thing about diamonds is that you CAN keep them and reset them, and even pass them on to future generations.

I have planted the upgrade seed once...I currently wear my original 1.5 RB that DH proposed to me with 4 years ago. We were married 2.5 years when I said to him, "you know, I''d love to have a 2.5 carat center stone, as much as I love my 1.5." He didn''t freak out or anything, but I could tell he was mentally rolling his eyes, ha ha. I haven''t brought it up since then...we have many other things that need to be taken care of before we think about spending money on another stone. BUT, I know him, and I know that when the time is right for him and I least expect it in 10, 15 years, (and he is hopefully taking over his boss'' position) that he will reward me, because he does like to keep up with the Jones'' a little bit himself, hee hee. Sometimes I complain about the fact that he is a spender and I am a saver, but in situations like these I''m a total hypocrite and will happily take advantage. Hope no one flames me for my brutal honesty...

BTW, Phoenixgirl, your new WB is beautiful! Sorry to hear it was a tough road getting there.

 

[devientdrow]

Date: 8/20/2006 6:48:38 PM
Author: Sparkster

Traditional Wedding Anniversary Gifts
1st - First - Paper
2nd - Second - Cotton
3rd - Third - Leather
4th - Fourth - Fruit/Flowers
5th - Fifth - Wood
6th - Sixth - Candy/Iron
7th - Seventh - Wool/Copper
8th - Eighth - Bronze/Pottery
9th - Ninth - Pottery/Willow
10th - Tenth - Tin/Aluminium
11th - Eleventh - Steel
12th - Twelfth - Silk/Linen
13th - Thirteenth - Lace
14th - Fourteenth - Ivory
15th - Fifteenth - Crystal
20th - Twentieth - China
25th - Twenty-Fifth - Silver
30th - Thirtieth - Pearl
35th - Thirty-Fifth - Coral
40th - Fortieth - Ruby
45th - Forty-Fifth - Sapphire
50th - Fiftieth - Gold
55th - Fifty-fifth - Emerald
60th - Sixtieth - Diamond

Modern Wedding Gifts
First - Clocks
Second - China
Third - Crystal/Glass
Fourth - Appliances
Fifth - Silverware
Sixth - Candy/Iron
Seventh - Desk Sets
Eighth - Bronze/Pottery
Ninth - Linen/Lace
Tenth - Leather
Eleventh - Jewellery
Twelfth - Pearls
Thirteenth - Textiles/Furs
Fourteenth - Gold Jewellery
Fifteenth - Watches
Twentieth - Platinum
Twenty-Fifth - Silver
Thirtieth - Diamond
Thirty-Fifth - Jade
Fortieth - Ruby
Forty-Fifth - Sapphire
Fiftieth - Gold
Fifty-fifth - Emerald
Sixtieth - Diamond

To me, a second wedding anniversary isn''t something I would expect or want diamonds for. I''ve always felt that things like that should be reserved for 5th, 10th or 20th anniversaries.

She didn''t want it for her 2nd wedding anniversary, I was saying her 2nd just passed and it reminded me of her problem. Well she''s had the ring for 5 years...could it be considered the 5 year anniversary of her ring? hehe....I was thinking if she asked me advice on when would be a good idea to bring it up again I was going to mention her 30th bday which co incides with her 5th wedding anniversary. According to that little chart up there mebbe he could get her an upgrade.....in a wooden box!

 

[divergrrl]

devientdrow: Seems like the upgrade bug doesn''t always get to the men. I agree with Mara & Feb2003 bride in letting the seed grow slowly.

My dh is so attached to my stone, he searched 3 states for it for months, and even though *I* have always had issues with it (hence my endless resets) due to inclusions, depth, it''s 5.5 x 5.48 mm (cut more like a .90 ct stone than a 1.13 stone that it is) it does have a purty sparkle & faces up mighty white for an H/I (gotta love that blue flourescence).


I broached the whole upgrade issue with him & he said "what, don''t you want ANYTHING I gave you to be on your ring finger?". I felt so *small*. Bad wifey, here I have a 1+ carat stone & I''m kvetching. (but...I have fat fingers & know too much about diamonds..and the guy he bought it from was a dishonest guy, and I think he sold my original 1.25 stone that DH bought out from under him--dh had already paid for it in cash & in full & then disappeared for a month and then when DH was starting to freak out..poor guy...he returned his calls with an "oh bad news...we chipped the corner setting it & had to repolish, now its a 1.13") In retrospect, after DH told me that story, I should have asked that we go back to him together & exchange the "damaged" diamond for what he intially bought, so it would have been us "together" and not me upgrading. (BTW..a 1.25 well cut princess would have been more than enough for me). But I had just gotten engaged, so I was not wanting to upset the apple cart. Bad decision.

So 3 resets later, I''ve decided to give up on an upgrade in favor of my dear, sweet husband''s feelings and pride.

My moment of reckoning came when I thought I lost my wedding/e ring a week or so ago...mind you, it''s insured to the hilt...so replacement is not an issue, but I BURST into tears & frantically searched high & low until I found it...so...I figured I do love it as much as DH and would be devastated if I lost it.

But if I were in your friend''s position, I''d do the "Mara-thang" to plant the seed---and if her original diamond can be kept, well---it''d be nice to set it into a pendant--to wear close to her heart.

I think upgrades are a personal issue, & don''t always mean the wife is a "joneses keeper upper". Sometimes it''s because our original stone is not "mind clean" as one ps-er puts it...or its because of performance issues and we now know too much. Or because it was all one could afford when very young, or very poor & with the promise of an upgrade later.

You just have to know the man.

Jeannine

 

[allycat0303]

devientdrow:

Well I would tell my friend to try and get to the root of why he reacted so strongly and negatively toward the upgrade problem. Is it because he''s sentimental about the ring ? (In which case she can reassure him that it will be a pendent or an heirloom piece) Is it because he thinks it is a waste of money to spend on jewlery? (She can gently explain to him that if he has a car that is anything beyond just four wheels and 2 doors, then it''s also a "waste") Or is it because he doesn''t feel that their financial situation at the moment is stable enough (In which case maybe they can discuss a future date, etc.)

I think men react strongly to upgrade for a wide variety of reasons. I think the most important thing to do is to insure that she''s working on the right issue, that she understands exactly WHY he isn''t for it. Then she can convert him to the darkside....along with most of us

 

[kcoursolle]

I agree with those who said to plant a seed, give it time to grow, and then talk about it more. More importantly, be patient. If she is naggy it will never work. I would also point out the benefits of getting an upgrade, prices are going up, etc. Another option would be to capitalize on an opportunity for change. For example, if the setting wears down and they need a new one, that would be a good time to suggest an upgrade since they have to change something already. If this still doesn''t work and he is still negative about it after a few years, I think I would buy myself an upgradeable right hand ring. I would involve him in the process, but I would do most of the picking out so that he doesn''t feel bad if I want to upgrade it like I would be changing something he picked out.

 

[Christa]

Date: 8/21/2006 1:40:32 PM
Author: divergrrl

So 3 resets later, I''ve decided to give up on an upgrade in favor of my dear, sweet husband''s feelings and pride.

Oooh, smart lady! I see a long, happy marriage in your future.

 

[devientdrow]

Date: 8/21/2006 1:40:32 PM
Author: divergrrl
devientdrow: Seems like the upgrade bug doesn''t always get to the men. I agree with Mara & Feb2003 bride in letting the seed grow slowly.

My dh is so attached to my stone, he searched 3 states for it for months, and even though *I* have always had issues with it (hence my endless resets) due to inclusions, depth, it''s 5.5 x 5.48 mm (cut more like a .90 ct stone than a 1.13 stone that it is) it does have a purty sparkle & faces up mighty white for an H/I (gotta love that blue flourescence).


I broached the whole upgrade issue with him & he said ''what, don''t you want ANYTHING I gave you to be on your ring finger?''. I felt so *small*. Bad wifey, here I have a 1+ carat stone & I''m kvetching. (but...I have fat fingers & know too much about diamonds..and the guy he bought it from was a dishonest guy, and I think he sold my original 1.25 stone that DH bought out from under him--dh had already paid for it in cash & in full & then disappeared for a month and then when DH was starting to freak out..poor guy...he returned his calls with an ''oh bad news...we chipped the corner setting it & had to repolish, now its a 1.13'') In retrospect, after DH told me that story, I should have asked that we go back to him together & exchange the ''damaged'' diamond for what he intially bought, so it would have been us ''together'' and not me upgrading. (BTW..a 1.25 well cut princess would have been more than enough for me). But I had just gotten engaged, so I was not wanting to upset the apple cart. Bad decision.

So 3 resets later, I''ve decided to give up on an upgrade in favor of my dear, sweet husband''s feelings and pride.

My moment of reckoning came when I thought I lost my wedding/e ring a week or so ago...mind you, it''s insured to the hilt...so replacement is not an issue, but I BURST into tears & frantically searched high & low until I found it...so...I figured I do love it as much as DH and would be devastated if I lost it.

But if I were in your friend''s position, I''d do the ''Mara-thang'' to plant the seed---and if her original diamond can be kept, well---it''d be nice to set it into a pendant--to wear close to her heart.

I think upgrades are a personal issue, & don''t always mean the wife is a ''joneses keeper upper''. Sometimes it''s because our original stone is not ''mind clean'' as one ps-er puts it...or its because of performance issues and we now know too much. Or because it was all one could afford when very young, or very poor & with the promise of an upgrade later.

You just have to know the man.

Jeannine

Awww i''m sorry you had a dishonest guy the first time around

Glad you were able to find your ring though! I understand where your coming from. We got my wedding band before I knew anything about stones and to be honest, it''s not what I would of purchased knowing what I know now. HOWEVER if I ever thought i''d lost it....i''d be DEVASTATED!!!

 

[divergrrl]

Date: 8/21/2006 9:37:23 PM
Author: Christa

Date: 8/21/2006 1:40:32 PM
Author: divergrrl

So 3 resets later, I''ve decided to give up on an upgrade in favor of my dear, sweet husband''s feelings and pride.

Oooh, smart lady! I see a long, happy marriage in your future.

You''re sweet...thanks..

Can we say RHR???? LOL!!


Jeannine

p.s. cute beagle!