anyone else ever think it''s unfair?

[larussel03]

That the guy gets to pick when to propose??? I mean really, when you think about it, girls are so much more proactive when it comes to romance most of the time, yet our often clueless bf's get to choose when to "suprise" us with a proposal??? It's torture, and I'm kinda getting sick of the whole emotional baggage that goes along with it. Happy to know that we'll get engaged at some point, sad that it most likely wont happen for a few months, confused when he pulls back and says he feels pressured, when he brought it up first, and happy AND sad when a friend gets engaged

. How about DISSAPOINTED when you realize it wont happen when you were SURE it would. Now I'm trying to just keep my mouth shut and be happy as my friends get engaged and start looking with their bf's bc it's like I've been "warned". Not that my bf is mean by any means or anything like that, he never holds things over my head and he's the nicest guy in the world, but I cant help feeling like this whole process can sometimes be insulting...and it's not like he's paying for the stone, we're receiving a diamondfrom my mother since she'd like us to start an "heirloom" and loves him so much that my parents want to help us out...

Sorry for the rant, I'm in the "frustrated"

phase right now. I know so many guys just want to make it perfect for us and that I'm sure my bf is putting alot of effort into this, but its so frustrating to not have any control or say at all

 

[jenwill]

Sweetpea honey, you are preaching to the choir here! I am so with you on this one you wouldn''t believe it. It does not seem fair to have to wait for them, and as a modern kinda gal I have no qualms with ''her'' asking ''him'', but I do think there is something to the fact that having ''him'' ask means that he really wants to and is not just going along becase it is easy. It isn''t easy for them to work up the nerve (even if they know the answer is yes, it is still nerve wracking), and actually propose.

So, we sit and wait and try not to go too loony in the process!

 

[anchor31]

I hear you, Sweetpea. And as a control freak myself, I find it very unfair too, sometimes. The emotions you describe are exactly the ones I feel. Since my SO has been talking about it so much since the summer, I even considered proposing to him, but then I changed my mind. I realized that it wasn''t what I had dreamed of for most of my life and that waiting would be worth it. And I completely understand what you''re going through.

Hang on! We''re all here for you!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

It is totally unfair AND frusterating but I am glad FI did a traditional/surprise proposal. Even if I did have to wait 4.5 yrs for it!

 

[leeenie]

I think it''s a trade-off: if the woman wants a traditional proposal, often with a ring purchased by the man, then the man will have control over the timing. I think an honest discussion and mutual agreement between two people to be engaged would accomplish the exact same thing, without the angst...but since most of us want that "fantasy," waiting it is! So I don''t feel like I can complain too much...society is what tells me that this is "the way" and what to expect, and since I choose to listen, I have to wait.

 

[peonygirl]

I agree with Teagreen. It''s not unfair, just a fact of life since we *choose* to buy into it.

 

[ello]

I agree - it''s really frustrating but just think of all the stories you''ll be able to tell for years to come! From what I hear- the wait is worth it!

 

[MissAva]

Date: 11/15/2005 5:21:09 AM
Author: Ries
I agree - it''s really frustrating but just think of all the stories you''ll be able to tell for years to come! From what I hear- the wait is worth it!

It had better be!

 

[Erin]

This is precisely what I''m afraid of. What if I''ve waited ALL THIS TIME and the proposal is (think Beavis or Butthead) ''Uh, do want to like, do it, you know, huh huh huh, like get married an stuff, huh huh, ummmm be my wife?'' as he pushes a loose ring across the coffee table.
Then I''d think, that''s it? This is what you musstered up the courage to do after dating this long and for holding the ring in your possession this long?
My answer would be ''sure'' or ''allllllllrighty then.''

Then I''d tell my friends with a watered down version of what actually happen and they''d all roll their eyes and say, ''Finally!''

 

[larussel03]

Thanks for all your responses!!! I agree that we kinda buy into it by not being the ones to propose to them, but it''s still frustrating! I hate waiting!

 

[nytemist]

No matter how "modern" we are as women in this day and age, engagement is sooooo steeped in tradition most guys will take it personally and as an insult to their manhood if women do the asking. As if we''re saying "you aren''t man enough to do it, so I will."

Last year or so I asked my BF if I asked him to marry me and gave him a ring would he say yes. He turned green.

 

[squeaksluv]

I have to say that even though I wish I could pick the day he should propose on (yesterday!) I still would want him to surprise me. My bf said that it is very important that he does this in his own time and that he wants to plan something very romantic & wonderful, that to me is worth the wait although I told him I can at least be anxious it happens sooner rather than later!

Everytime I get frustrated and upset that time is passing us by when I could be planning our wedding I just have to think of a friend of mine. She was extremly impatient waiting for her bf to propose and they used to get into fights about it all of the time. Finally, after one of these fights where she was ranting on about how she was tired of waiting for him to figure it out and she just wanted to be engaged he threw the ring at her and said fine, here is your $#*%& ring, are you happy now? She is still trying to make up for that day ever since! She told me that to this day she still regrets it and hates when people bring up their proposal stories and how romantic and wonderful they were.

 

[Erin]

Ouch! That''s harsh

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 11/15/2005 10:20:22 AM
Author: squeaksluv

I just have to think of a friend of mine. She was extremly impatient waiting for her bf to propose and they used to get into fights about it all of the time. Finally, after one of these fights where she was ranting on about how she was tired of waiting for him to figure it out and she just wanted to be engaged he threw the ring at her and said fine, here is your $#*%& ring, are you happy now? She is still trying to make up for that day ever since! She told me that to this day she still regrets it and hates when people bring up their proposal stories and how romantic and wonderful they were.

That story should be required reading.

File that under "Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it."

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/15/2005 9:21:17 AM
Author: nytemist
No matter how ''modern'' we are as women in this day and age, engagement is sooooo steeped in tradition most guys will take it personally and as an insult to their manhood if women do the asking. As if we''re saying ''you aren''t man enough to do it, so I will.''

Last year or so I asked my BF if I asked him to marry me and gave him a ring would he say yes. He turned green.

I asked mine the same thing. He became really ill-at-ease and almost stammered "Well... isn''t it supposed to be my job?"

Poor guy.

And squeaksluv - Ouch! I''m definitely glad I started going easy on him since I found PS...

 

[Caribou]

Date: 11/15/2005 10:20:22 AM
Author: squeaksluv
Everytime I get frustrated and upset that time is passing us by when I could be planning our wedding I just have to think of a friend of mine. She was extremly impatient waiting for her bf to propose and they used to get into fights about it all of the time. Finally, after one of these fights where she was ranting on about how she was tired of waiting for him to figure it out and she just wanted to be engaged he threw the ring at her and said fine, here is your $#*%& ring, are you happy now? She is still trying to make up for that day ever since! She told me that to this day she still regrets it and hates when people bring up their proposal stories and how romantic and wonderful they were.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 11/15/2005 7:03:43 AM
Author: Matatora

Date: 11/15/2005 5:21:09 AM

Author: Ries

I agree - it''s really frustrating but just think of all the stories you''ll be able to tell for years to come! From what I hear- the wait is worth it!

It had better be!

Oh Matatora, I promise it IS worth it.

 

[platinumrock]

If the objective is to get married, just show up together at the courthouse with a marriage license. But most women want the fantasy proposal with the fantasy ring and fantasy wedding, which usually involve a lot of money and planning. If you can''t wait anymore, propose to him instead and give him a ring. Show him how much you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him. But if you want him to suprise you with a proposal and a ring, then that needs to be his decision, when he''s ready. It may or many never happen. How much time you are willing to invest (or lose) in waiting is up to you. You can''t pressure him to propose to you and resent him for not doing it your way.

There is nothing wrong with being actively involved in the ring buying and engagement process. Sometimes I don''t understand why modern women let tradition jeopardize one of the happiest moments in their lives. There is nothing wrong with pitching in financially to get the ring that you want. There is nothing wrong with proposing to your man either. Unless his ego is too fragile or you are worried about what people think, you are in total control of your engagement destiny.

 

[larussel03]

I know, I''m being a brat. I do want the fantasy...and I want it when I want it, which is NOW!!! haha. So, yes being frustrated is my own doing, but I''m glad I have the LIW to vent to!!! I just have to suck it up and wait b/c even though I may be pitching in financially (I told him if he decides to do pave that I''d help pay the extra b/c he wasnt expecting it, but it''s his decision when he sees the settings b/c I wont be there), I do want him to do it on his terms when he''s ready. But waiting still stinks!

 

[platinumrock]

Haha! Trust me, I KNOW about being a brat....I bugged my husband for a whole year until I finally got the engagement ring I wanted. Everything that came out of my mouth was "Ring...diamond....platinum...big..." Even though I was pro-active and involved.....waiting was like TORTURE!!! And yes, I will admit it....part of the torture was not having a ring on hand. I sooooo wanted to display a ring to the world! I also caught the worst side of myself, and I had to leave him alone and let it go. Pricescope was like eye-candy window-shopping. The obssession with the ring became a constructive obsessive search for the right ring while waiting.

Like you, I wanted a semi-surprise proposal with a ring. Letting go of all control was the hardest thing to do. Women want EVERYTHING.....too bad we can''t always have IT ALL at once

Hang in there! As long as you don''t become super-scary-bridezilla, he will propose. Let the man do the hunting, bring home the rock, and court you into marriage (at least let him think so).

In the meantime, distract yourself with more eye-candy!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 11/17/2005 10:31:01 AM
Author: platinumrock
There is nothing wrong with being actively involved in the ring buying and engagement process. Sometimes I don''t understand why modern women let tradition jeopardize one of the happiest moments in their lives. There is nothing wrong with pitching in financially to get the ring that you want.

To semi-quote Whitney Houston ... HELL-TO-THE-YES! Sing it, sister! I feel so, so lucky to have a fella who understood how important it was to me to have input into e-ring selection/research etc. We discussed ahead of time what was most important to each of us about the engagement/wedding process so we could allocate finances to suit each of our desires. Turns out we both value photographs & honeymoon... and I was hell-bent on a lovely ring. An extravagent wedding/reception/dress/etc isn''t that important to either of us ... as we prefer a casual, simple affairs (like I was used to growing up) -- it''s also his 2nd time around, so to speak -- and he had the big "blow out" the first time & now, lets say, regrets it a bit . We probably wouldn''t have designated the ring budget we did if either or us wanted a more elaborate wedding. Being able to openly discuss the whole deal really has worked for us (so far!) There are so many things to work out as a couple in the long run -- this pre-e stuff is just tiny taste.