Anyone else's SO suck at gift giving?

[tuffyluvr]

My DH is a wonderful gift-giver IF I tell him exactly what I want and where to get it. Strong hints don't seem to work.

I was with my ex for about 7 years and he was an atrocious gift-giver (one year I got new floor mats for my car, another new tires... Are you picking up on a theme?). I was most often left feeling let down and resentful, so I started just telling him what I wanted to avoid the disappointment. It wasn't as exciting as being surprised, but I wasn't left feeling upset. It worked out so well that I carried on doing it once I began dating DH.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Oh, and in recent years DH and I have begun doing a joint gift of travel for ourselves, which has been great. Unless I want a sentimental piece of jewelry I will generally just buy myself what I want (and same goes for him), so we find that spending our money on a vacation or a weekend getaway is a great alternative.

 

[LLJsmom]

Chemgirl, I'm confused about something. You mentioned that your DH assumes that if you want anything you would get it yourself. Then you said you could not afford it, which seems to imply that the gifts you want are things that only he could buy. I guess that also means your funds are separated. I guess that would make it really hard if you are fully dependent on him for these luxury items (if you are thinking about jewelry).

I think part of the issue is he makes 3 times what I do and can easily afford to buy me a pair of hunter boots or leather gloves or whatever. He seems to think that if I really wanted something I would just buy it, when I don't because I can't really afford to.

If I really want something I just buy it, if the price is within reason. It may eat into the family funds, but as a family, "we" support "my" habit. My DH makes it work. It sounds kinda selfish. Yeah I guess it is. I can live with it. Nothing is a surprise. I would rather have exactly what I want rather than a surprise disappointment.

Other posters do see the positives of your DHs gifts, and I can see them too. But in the end it seems to me more of a financial question, like he seems to not want to spend the money on some thing that he KNOWS will make you happy. But instead spends less and saves money on something that he thinks SHOULD make you happy. It just doesn't feel right to me.

In the end it still comes down to money that he has and you don't and that he doesn't seem generous enough to give you what you want. My DH read this thread and just asked "why doesn't your DH share?" I guess that's a simple but succinct way of putting it. I'm sorry that this comment sounds negative. maybe that is just a function of couples that handle their money separately, which is a whole separate issue which may not be appropriate in this thread. I wish you the best and hope that your DH will accept what makes you happy.

 

[chemgirl]

Chemgirl, I'm confused about something. You mentioned that your DH assumes that if you want anything you would get it yourself. Then you said you could not afford it, which seems to imply that the gifts you want are things that only he could buy. I guess that also means your funds are separated. I guess that would make it really hard if you are fully dependent on him for these luxury items (if you are thinking about jewelry).

I think part of the issue is he makes 3 times what I do and can easily afford to buy me a pair of hunter boots or leather gloves or whatever. He seems to think that if I really wanted something I would just buy it, when I don't because I can't really afford to.

If I really want something I just buy it, if the price is within reason. It may eat into the family funds, but as a family, "we" support "my" habit. My DH makes it work. It sounds kinda selfish. Yeah I guess it is. I can live with it. Nothing is a surprise. I would rather have exactly what I want rather than a surprise disappointment.

Other posters do see the positives of your DHs gifts, and I can see them too. But in the end it seems to me more of a financial question, like he seems to not want to spend the money on some thing that he KNOWS will make you happy. But instead spends less and saves money on something that he thinks SHOULD make you happy. It just doesn't feel right to me.

In the end it still comes down to money that he has and you don't and that he doesn't seem generous enough to give you what you want. My DH read this thread and just asked "why doesn't your DH share?" I guess that's a simple but succinct way of putting it. I'm sorry that this comment sounds negative. maybe that is just a function of couples that handle their money separately, which is a whole separate issue which may not be appropriate in this thread. I wish you the best and hope that your DH will accept what makes you happy.

We don't mix our finances and pay into household expenses based on a percentage of what we make. We live in an expensive city so my income doesn't go as far as his when it comes to extras. I'm not exactly broke. I bought myself a fancy car last year and I am meeting savings goals. I just don't have extra to put towards nice to have things.

He does share when it's something he sees value in. A few years ago I went to make an extra payment on my student loan and found that he had paid the entire thing. I was saving for eye surgery and he ended up paying for it so it could be done at a better time.

Last year he paid my portion of trips to Hawaii, Paris, and Amsterdam.

So he is extremely generous if it's something he agrees with. He's not one for material things.

Interesting development; he asked me not to buy him a Christmas present and he would rather do a spa day when we are in Iceland next month (he is paying for the trip, he wants me to cover spa stuff instead of his present).

He would live out of a backpack if it wasn't for me.

Eta: and Vegas for my birthday this year with helicopter to the grand canyon. We were in San Francisco 2 months ago and he covered my half.

Now I feel selfish haha. He does put a lot in financially, he just hates spending money on things when he could spend it on experiences.

 

[tuffyluvr]

I totally get your position, chemgirl! DH makes significantly more than I do, too, and we share household expenses similarly to how you and your DH do. He also doesn't "get" why I don't just buy myself things--I need a new laptop and the other day he said, "why don't you just get yourself another one?" The truth is, I haven't because I don't feel comfortable when I have to pay car registration, taxes, and the rest of my regular bills! I'm excited for my push present because he feels like I deserve a generous gift after 9 months of abstaining from drinking and carrying our baby! It almost feels like cheating because my pregnancy has been a breeze (minus the abstaining! I still want wine and champagne every day!)

 

[LLJsmom]

Oh, I see. I am sorry. I just don't know how couples who do not throw all their $$$ Into a shared pot work things out logistically. I understand now why it is a problem when he does not understand why you value and want to spend money on certain things. Based on who your DH is, in order for you to receive gifts that you would like, he would have to value it too.

Could he understand that a gift is for you, and he doesn't need to understand why you value it in Order to give it? I don't understand why my DH needs another piece of luggage but I am supportive of him getting another suitcase if it is what makes him happy. Such is the potential result of separate finances. Well, anyway, sounds like you both have worked it out and you are at peace with the situation. Different couples work things out in different ways.

 

[Rhea]

I did bring this up in counciling (and felt like a selfish jerk).

Don't. It is a big deal. You are not selfish. It's not just about gifts, it about wanting to feel loved and as though someone who loves you has taken the time to chose something that you will appreciate and treasure. He's not doing that.

No tips here, I'm a terrible gift giver. I never know what people want so only buy exactly what is on their list until I feel inspired. This means that some years people close to me get a bottle of wine or gift card to a restaurant. I don't mean to be off base, those are just the years I couldn't figure it out.

DH is hit or miss. He's is thoughtful and he's not cheap, but he doesn't seem to get milestones. I said the fitbit is great, sure, he'll get me that, or a wonderful sweater that he thinks will look great, new handbag, no problem. I want something special for a 30th birthday, gaining British citizenship, or 10th anniversary - those past him right by. To him it's just another birthday, just another anniversary, just another day I take up another citizenship.

 

[CJ2008]

Part of me feels like his lack of effort shows that he doesn't care about me as much as I care about him. I get how stupid that sounds.

We have talked about it and he seems to understand in the moment, but then doesn't do anything to follow through.

He shows love and affection in other ways and can't wrap his head around the whole gift giving thing.

I think this is something I'm just going to have to get over.

The toilet is making that a little hard at the moment.

No. It doesn't sound stupid at all.

But I just bet it isn't true. Not if he's awesome in other ways. And if he shows love and affection in other ways.

It's just the way you interpret it because gifts matter to you, that's all.

I just think that if it's so ingrained in him and so much a part of his personality as part of his upbringing (the bit about his father getting really angry at him not getting the right present really made me sad) I think it would be so loving of you to try to not put so much weight on the gifts and try to brainstorm with him a potential solution that he feels he could follow through on and that you could be happy with.

It's not ideal and I know you wish it was different but it may even bring you closer in other ways if you could give more on this one even if it feels like you're the one doing all the giving.

Easier said than done, I know it's not easy.

We came up with a sort of solution. In the future we will look at websites together and he will make a mental note of a few things and order them. That way he knows it's what I want.

I also explained that this doesn't mean he just picks the cheapest thing (it's not about the money really, it just gets to me if he consistently buys whatever is the lowest price without putting any thought into it). Like if I mention a few things that are $10, please pick more than one.

He seemed to get it and was a lot more relaxed.

That is until we actually went on the websites and everything I had bookmarked was sold out. Black Friday is a little crazy.

We decided that this year is a wash and we'll start new next year.

I haven't read past here to see what else has been happening...

But I'm thinking you might want to at least do something this year especially if he seemed to get it and was a lot more relaxed. You have to strike now But seriously, you do! This is something that has been going on for a bit, he seems to get it right now, I'm sure you can find something you want that would make you happy to get from him. Heck, I'd make it up just go through the motions together and start setting the new habit.

 

[chrono]

Quote: We don't mix our finances and pay into household expenses based on a percentage of what we make.

We do this as well and don't gift each other presents regularly. If we do, we make sure it is within each others' means and it is exactly what the recipient asked for. The present is clearly spelled out. One present, stating the model, price and where to buy it. No, we do not wrap it because we don't see the point in wrapping it as we know exactly what it is. Yes, we are a very practical family and he's not an engineer.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Please correct me if I am wrong--I see the gifts Chemgirl receives (trips etc) as shared. He benefits as much as she.

Jewellery, purses, boots, and gloves, etc are not shared gifts--and she doesn't receive them from him. Isn't this where the issue lies?

cheers--Sharon

 

[telephone89]

I can see your frustrations chemgirl. My H is similar. I'm pretty sure he didn't really get me anything LY and just took me shopping on boxing day to pick out what I want. I guess I'm the opposite of you, because I'd rather he at least pick SOMETHING. At least put the effort in. But he is the type to wait until dec 23 and then the stores are all closed at 5pm and the ones that arent (walmart) are sold out of everything lol. At the end of the day at least I do get things I want I guess.

I'll trade you vacations for shopping trips!

 

[iLander]

DH told me a story 20+ years ago and I think it guides his choices in gift-giving:

A man was at a funeral for a woman who had died suddenly in an accident. She was laid out in the casket, wearing a beautiful red dress. The man went up to the husband and said "That is beautiful dress, she looks nice." The husband said "Yes, she was bugging me for years for that red dress, and when she passed, I thought it was time."

That's it. That's the whole story.

DH thinks that nothing I want should ever be "the red dress". I don't take advantage of his generosity, though. I always try to keep things very reasonable and as inexpensive as possible.

Perhaps you can tell your DH this story?

 

[chemgirl]

HI:

Please correct me if I am wrong--I see the gifts Chemgirl receives (trips etc) as shared. He benefits as much as she.

Jewellery, purses, boots, and gloves, etc are not shared gifts--and she doesn't receive them from him. Isn't this where the issue lies?

cheers--Sharon

I just saw this now. Exactly, trips are shared things that he wants to do with me. Instead of an engagement ring we went on an engagement trip. Probably more fair overall, but sometimes I just want something pretty for me alone!

 

[chemgirl]

DH told me a story 20+ years ago and I think it guides his choices in gift-giving:

A man was at a funeral for a woman who had died suddenly in an accident. She was laid out in the casket, wearing a beautiful red dress. The man went up to the husband and said "That is beautiful dress, she looks nice." The husband said "Yes, she was bugging me for years for that red dress, and when she passed, I thought it was time."

That's it. That's the whole story.

DH thinks that nothing I want should ever be "the red dress". I don't take advantage of his generosity, though. I always try to keep things very reasonable and as inexpensive as possible.

Perhaps you can tell your DH this story?

Wow that is so sad! I will show him this.

The funny thing though, a few years ago I was extremely ill. I was going from test to test, appointment to appointment and had zero energy. I fainted in the driveway going to get the mail. It was crazy. Took a few months to get a diagnosis and to start feeling better.

While that was going on, I didn't care at all about my birthday or Christmas or whatever. I just wanted to be better so we could go on trips again and do fun things.

I do get where DH is coming from when he pushes for experiences over stuff.

 

[chemgirl]

We came up with a fun solution to DH's gift giving issue.

The other weekend we went to the mall and I tried on 20+ things I liked. I pointed out things like a new work bag, a scarf, a cool phone case etc. He took pictures of the lot of it with notes as to size, the store, and price.

He said he will set an internal budget, buy a few of the items, and wrap them. So far two nicely wrapped presents have materialized so I'm excited!

I would still love him to put the effort in to find things himself (a guy at work goes to crazy lengths to find the perfect gifts for his wife, swoon), but this is a huge breakthrough for my husband so yey!

 

[JDDN]

That's great news Chemgirl! I'm really happy to hear that you both are finding ways to meet in the middle.