Are invites for spouses a given?

[musey]

We all know that the jury's out (waaaaaaaaay way out) on the necessity of providing for "and guest"s, but how about spouses?

For the sake of simplicity, I'm not including significant others like boyfriends/girlfriends, fiance/ees, etc. just spouses, so vote with that in mind. Please feel free to expand on your viewpoint to include varying degrees of SOs.

Also, consider life partner = spouse.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

If my husband were invited to a wedding, and I wasn''t...I would be highly offended and I feel like the same would be true in reverse. My husband and I...we''re a package deal. If we both weren''t included, then neither of us would go....period.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Ditto Italia.

 

[musey]

Date: 5/15/2009 6:05:10 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
If my husband were invited to a wedding, and I wasn't...I would be highly offended and I feel like the same would be true in reverse. My husband and I...we're a package deal. If we both weren't included, then neither of us would go....period.

I'd imagine the majority of married couples would share that opinion (though in varying degrees of severity).

I don't think I'd feel offended necessarily (though that would depend very much on the person doing the inviting), but I would feel a bit confused or surprised. If it were an extremely small wedding and the reasoning were explained to me, I wouldn't mind at all attending alone. But a large wedding? It would feel weird, I think.

Italia, if it were (for example) your best friend's destination wedding with only immediate family and 2-3 friends present, would that change how you feel?

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 5/15/2009 5:32:07 PM
Author:musey
We all know that the jury''s out (waaaaaaaaay way out) on the necessity of providing for ''and guest''s, but how about spouses?

For the sake of simplicity, I''m not including significant others like boyfriends/girlfriends, fiance/ees, etc. just spouses, so vote with that in mind. Please feel free to expand on your viewpoint to include varying degrees of SOs.

Also, consider life partner = spouse.

I''m not sure I understand the poll. Do you mean addressing an invite only to one spouse and hoping that the other spouse just knows they are automatically invited? Or are you asking whether spouses should always be automatically invited?

 

[musey]

Fiery, no, I mean an invitation for a spouse - as in, the spouse is invited.... so the latter, whether spouses should always automatically be invited.

 

[CNOS128]

I invited spouses of everyone who had a spouse, and I believe this is always the correct thing to do - unless someone is separated or in the process of divorcing and there's a reason they would not want to be in the same room together.

If someone invited my fiance (in 3 weeks, my husband) to a wedding without me, I would figure they probably (a) were not that close to him, and (b) had a huge family and a lot of friends and were trying to keep numbers low. I might be offended; not really sure. But it's highly unlikely that he would attend without me.

ETA: I have friends who come from cultures where the entire community is invited to the wedding, and they had to cut numbers somewhere, so not all of their friends' spouses were invited. I wouldn't do it, but I've seen it done.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 5/15/2009 6:05:10 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
If my husband were invited to a wedding, and I wasn''t...I would be highly offended and I feel like the same would be true in reverse. My husband and I...we''re a package deal. If we both weren''t included, then neither of us would go....period.

Yep.

 

[fieryred33143]

O I see

In that case I voted yes. I think I rather cut out both than just extend the invite to one.

 

[brooklyngirl]

IMHO, the same goes for all couples in long relationships. Back when DH and I were dating, we would always go to all events together. I would definitely be miffed if either I or DH were were excluded, and we would not attend the event.

Perhaps if there was a specific reason, and the situation were explained to us, I can possibly see attending.

 

[musey]

Date: 5/15/2009 6:24:51 PM
Author: brooklyngirl
IMHO, the same goes for all couples in long relationships.

That was gonna be my next question... where do you all draw the line? The wedding day? Engagement? Long-term (in which case, how long-term is long-term)? Exclusive?

Are the rules different when they're out-of-town guests, or no? Does age make a difference (30-somethings with long-term SOs are automatically included, but teenagers aren't, for example)? Any other determining factors?

 

[brooklyngirl]

I think for me, I would consider ~1 year to be a long relationship. The age of the couple doesn''t matter to me, even if they are teenagers. I think with teenagers especially, since they may be bored if there aren''t many guests their age who they can hang out with.

For me, I doubt I would have too much fun at a wedding without DH. Who would be my dance partner

 

[Haven]

Yes, of course I think invites for spouses are a given.
I wouldn''t be offended if one of us was invited to a wedding without the other, but I wouldn''t attend the wedding, either.

As for where I draw the line, I suppose I''d consider an unmarried couple in their late 20s/early 30s (and up) who officially live together to be a "package" deal. By officially, I mean they have set up a home together.

 

[April20]

Date: 5/15/2009 6:05:10 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
If my husband were invited to a wedding, and I wasn''t...I would be highly offended and I feel like the same would be true in reverse. My husband and I...we''re a package deal. If we both weren''t included, then neither of us would go....period.

Ditto. It''s both of us or none of us.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Out of town guests are especially tricky. On one hand, as far as the wedding goes, I think the rules would be the same, but they are likely to be in town for a couple of days, and it would be unfair for them to have to come alone, or leave the person they came with to fend for themselves.

This would have to be decided on a guest by guest basis.

 

[Kim N]

I voted that spouses/life partners should always automatically be invited.

As far as where to draw the line, it depends on each guest's situation, but generally, I've invited significant others when the relationship is 1) certainly exclusive, and 2) a) engaged or living together, or b) long-term, which I consider 12-18+ months. If they are teens, they do not get SO invites regardless of length of relationship. If they don't know anyone else at the wedding but don't fit my other "requirements," then they will get a +1 invite. If they are out-of-town guests who don't fit my requirements but know lots of other people at the wedding, they don't get a +1.

 

[Gypsy]

I'd be ticked, unless there was a reason for it that was explained to me personally. Like if it was a work wedding invite and the bride was only inviting the ladies, and sitting us all at one table. That might be okay. But other than that. Nope. For me if it's a long term relationship or a FI, it's an autoinvite as well.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I had to invite some school friends from my class sans husbands. I didn''t want to but because of space constraints (wedding is about 100 people) I had no choice - either that or not invite them at all. Considering I didn''t know their spouses I figured it wouldn''t be a big deal if they all came solo -which they are. I don''t think any of them mind so much as they are all coming as a group.

 

[Sparkalicious]

My inclination is to say "yes", however, there are some *very few* situations where I don''t think that an automatic spousal invite is required.

For example, FI''s boss is married but we don''t know her husband, however, she has assumed that he is invited and has, essentially, invited him herself. Given this - we have added him just because it would get too sticky if we didn''t. This being said, we never intended on inviting him. Based on the way she describes him herself, he is not someone we would associate with so why would we pay for him to eat at our wedding?

The only reason that this situation, had it not turned out the way it did, makes me feel as though it might be okay to *not* invite a spouse, is because there will be a work table. Everyone at the table knows each other and they all get along really well so it would not be as though they would be there by themselves. Further to that, since it is a "work" group, spouses might even feel uncomfortable not being in the mix and possibly not knowing the other co-workers etc.

For the most part, however, I agree - invites for a spouse are a given or else you risk causing major offense.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 5/15/2009 6:13:05 PM
Author: musey

Date: 5/15/2009 6:05:10 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
If my husband were invited to a wedding, and I wasn''t...I would be highly offended and I feel like the same would be true in reverse. My husband and I...we''re a package deal. If we both weren''t included, then neither of us would go....period.

I''d imagine the majority of married couples would share that opinion (though in varying degrees of severity).

I don''t think I''d feel offended necessarily (though that would depend very much on the person doing the inviting), but I would feel a bit confused or surprised. If it were an extremely small wedding and the reasoning were explained to me, I wouldn''t mind at all attending alone. But a large wedding? It would feel weird, I think.

Italia, if it were (for example) your best friend''s destination wedding with only immediate family and 2-3 friends present, would that change how you feel?

No. It wouldn''t change it for me. I can''t exactly put into words why I feel this way...but I do.

 

[mrscushion]

Well.... this poll''s been answered pretty clearly

. I also voted for "yes, spouse needs to be invited."

 

[kittybean]

Married couples are a social unit--invite one, invite the other. End of story. Even if it were a destination wedding with only a few people, I would expect that my husband be invited. I will always invite someone''s spouse along with them to a social function I''m hosting.

 

[mayachel]

Hi Musey, I voted yes with the same small exception as
Sparkalicious, that a work table is appropriate. Now if my boss decided to invite along his or her spouse, I''d be surprised but wouldn''t say anything,I thought it was rare for supervisor''s to attend such events? (Sorry, self-employed, so my boss BETTER be invited).

I digress...

A wedding of all things, is about union and family, however you define it. How could I not include a *couple* who has made a similar commitment I''m asking them to come witness and celebrate.

(I like Musey, include my friends who have chosen for whatever reason not to marry, but be in LTR with SOs in my spouse def.)

 

[Octavia]

Date: 5/15/2009 6:39:10 PM
Author: Haven
Yes, of course I think invites for spouses are a given.

I wouldn''t be offended if one of us was invited to a wedding without the other, but I wouldn''t attend the wedding, either.


As for where I draw the line, I suppose I''d consider an unmarried couple in their late 20s/early 30s (and up) who officially live together to be a ''package'' deal. By officially, I mean they have set up a home together.

Ditto Haven, this is exactly how I feel. Although I might be a little offended if it someone close enough to us to know better only invited one of us.

 

[doodle]

I chose "other" because I personally think that a person''s spouse should DEFINITELY be invited, but I also think if it''s an unmarried couple who either live together or are engaged, both people should be invited. Just my $.02!

 

[pennquaker09]

I think this is one of those etiquette questions. Of course my situation is different from the majority here, but if an invitation to a wedding arrived adressed to Mr. Spencer Nathaniel S_____ , I wouldn''t be offended. But only if I didn''t know the person. Does that make any sense? However, a lot of people don''t know the rules associated with etiquette and invites and such.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I think it is essential to invite spouses and engaged couples. I think it is best to include the partner in exclusive relationships as well.

 

[audball]

Date: 5/15/2009 7:59:00 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor

Date: 5/15/2009 6:13:05 PM

Author: musey

Date: 5/15/2009 6:05:10 PM

Author: Italiahaircolor

If my husband were invited to a wedding, and I wasn''t...I would be highly offended and I feel like the same would be true in reverse. My husband and I...we''re a package deal. If we both weren''t included, then neither of us would go....period.

I''d imagine the majority of married couples would share that opinion (though in varying degrees of severity).


I don''t think I''d feel offended necessarily (though that would depend very much on the person doing the inviting), but I would feel a bit confused or surprised. If it were an extremely small wedding and the reasoning were explained to me, I wouldn''t mind at all attending alone. But a large wedding? It would feel weird, I think.


Italia, if it were (for example) your best friend''s destination wedding with only immediate family and 2-3 friends present, would that change how you feel?

No. It wouldn''t change it for me. I can''t exactly put into words why I feel this way...but I do.

This is a tough question as there are many scenarios to consider.

I think I would generally agree with all of Italia''s opinions, even on the DW (most couples can''t afford many vaca''s so a only half the couple spending that kind of money to attend without the other would probably be awkward).

The only exception I could think where I may attend a DW without my SO would be if I was the one pick of my sister to be there with her or my very best friend. As in, If a couple was literally looking for their 2 witnesses and each got to choose one, I would attend for sister or BFF and/or be fine with him attending (for his BFF).

Regular wedding scenarios I would only be comfortable attending solo if I were with a group (like a work circle of ladies kind of thing). Otherwise, I wouldn''t attend without him.

 

[HollyS]

You should always assume that a spouse will join your intended/invited guest.

Of course you would send the invitation to Mr. and Mrs. If a spouse is someone who does not know you, or does not like you, it is their decision as to whether they attend or not.

You should never deliberately fail to invite a spouse, or request that they not attend; I can''t think of too many social gaffes that would be tackier than that.

 

[onedrop]

I voted that spouses should always be invited (or should be considered as invited) to a wedding. I am not sure I see any gray area with this question. If my husband were invited to a wedding and I wasn't or vice versa, I would definitely question the omission.