Are invites for spouses a given?

[musey]

Thanks for weighing in, everyone

Can''t say I''m surprised by the response

that''s for sure!

 

[katamari]

There is a clear consensus, but I just wanted to post with a dissenting perspective, because I actually think there are many cases where I would see a spouse/partner omission appropriate. Work tables being one. But I also think this is okay if it is a HS or a college friend of one partner that the other partner would not know or have similar friends. I think in many of these cases, the +1 partner would feel or be excluded from conversation. Especially if there is travel cost involved, I would appreciate not feeling obligated to go in these situations.

I don''t think that any context would make it okay if both partners knew the marrying couple. But, so long as it is really just a friend of one person, I don''t think the courtesy invite would be necessary.

 

[Octavia]

So far, my FI and I haven''t been able to attend a single wedding together because our schedules often conflict. But he''s always been invited to the weddings I''ve attended, and vice versa -- and we''ve never felt obligated for both of us to go just because the invite was for two. It''s much more acceptable, IMO, for both spouses/partners to be invited and only one to attend than for only one to be invited. I guess work tables could be an exception, but it''s my feeling that if I know someone well enough to invite them to my wedding, I also know or know enough about their spouse/partner to invite that person, too.

 

[Bliss]

DH was invited to a friend's wedding and the bride didn't even want to invite any spouses/SOs/fiancees of *groomsmen*... It was highly unusual and a lot of his friends ended up declining the invite, my husband included. He said he didn't want to go anywhere I wasn't invited. I find the "JUST YOU" invites to serious couples unusual because the person is part of a unit. And I personally feel it's odd to split a couple for a meaningful event like a wedding. It would be better not to invite them at all than to invite one and forbid the other.

 

[musey]

Date: 5/16/2009 3:20:09 PM
Author: katamari
There is a clear consensus, but I just wanted to post with a dissenting perspective, because I actually think there are many cases where I would see a spouse/partner omission appropriate. Work tables being one. But I also think this is okay if it is a HS or a college friend of one partner that the other partner would not know or have similar friends. I think in many of these cases, the +1 partner would feel or be excluded from conversation. Especially if there is travel cost involved, I would appreciate not feeling obligated to go in these situations.

I don''t think that any context would make it okay if both partners knew the marrying couple. But, so long as it is really just a friend of one person, I don''t think the courtesy invite would be necessary.

While I certainly agree with this idea in theory, I do think that the others are right that it should be said partner''s right to make that decision for themselves - that they should at least be given the option of attending.

The exception I see for inviting a partner is the one I proposed to Italia: an extremely small destination (or even local, really) wedding. If I were invited as one of groom explained that they wanted to keep it extremely small, essential guests only, then i would completely understand (i think my husband would feel the same way). i wouldn''t be offended at all. clearly, though, some people would.


All this occurred to me because I was talking to an engaged friend about her upcoming wedding when she said "and Bob is of course invited, too." (Bob being the fake name of my husband

) I found myself a bit surprised by that statement, because I thought that would go without saying (in other words, it seemed she thought to mention it because she didn''t think that this was a given). But then I thought, "am I being presumptuous? Does that go without saying?" Clearly it does for the vast majority of people.

It''s all very interesting to me!

 

[Rhea]

I really can't think of a situation where I'd invite just one partner and not the other. In theory the work table makes sense, but I can't see inviting several people from work to a wedding unless it's a really big wedding. And if it's a really big wedding then there should be space for their partners. I invited work people to my wedding, but stayed in our numbers by only inviting those I was close to, and their partners.

As for where to draw the line on non-married couples, we let our friends decide. We married in our early 20s so age wasn't a cut off for us (some of those in serious relationships were 19-22). My cousin, who has a baby with his partner, didn't want her invited because he thought they would be splitting up before our wedding. Another friend hadn't been with his partner very long, about 2 months, but told us that he saw it going somewhere. They are now living together and we're glad that she attended our wedding. If a couple lived together it was a given that their partner would come. Our weddings were small so it made it easy to talk to friends about our wishes to keep them small but include anyone they were seriously dating.

 

[Lilac]

I think spouses should always be invited. I don''t think I would go to a wedding my husband wasn''t invited to - I think I would feel uncomfortable. I would even go so far as to say fiances should be invited too, but that''s more of a gray area and if there were serious cost constraints I would understand if that wouldn''t be possible.

For my wedding we invited the fiances of anyone who was engaged and all spouses. Long-term relationships didn''t really make the cut unless I thought they were getting engaged any day (which I did for one friend, and she ended up breaking up with him 2 weeks later - so I should have just stuck to engaged/married friends).

 

[katamari]

Date: 5/17/2009 4:33:38 AM
Author: musey

Date: 5/16/2009 3:20:09 PM

Author: katamari

There is a clear consensus, but I just wanted to post with a dissenting perspective, because I actually think there are many cases where I would see a spouse/partner omission appropriate. Work tables being one. But I also think this is okay if it is a HS or a college friend of one partner that the other partner would not know or have similar friends. I think in many of these cases, the +1 partner would feel or be excluded from conversation. Especially if there is travel cost involved, I would appreciate not feeling obligated to go in these situations.


I don''t think that any context would make it okay if both partners knew the marrying couple. But, so long as it is really just a friend of one person, I don''t think the courtesy invite would be necessary.

While I certainly agree with this idea in theory, I do think that the others are right that it should be said partner''s right to make that decision for themselves - that they should at least be given the option of attending.

Very true--and I think in most instances that would be what most people would do.


One thing I can add, as someone who dated my FI for 10 years before we got engaged, is that I was always infuriated

with people who used the "spouse or fiance" rule when deciding things as if it really was some clear market for adding +1s. Especially because FI and I had almost always been longer together than all of our married friends.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Totally agree w/ the vast majority on this one - I would find it unpardonably rude if my husband were invited to a social engagement and I wasn''t, or vice versa.

 

[bee*]

I think in the case of a work table, it''s fine, but otherwise spouses should be invited.

 

[motownmama]

the only exception I can think of would be if you were having a table of work friends (maybe)

 

[sba771]

Date: 5/18/2009 10:12:13 AM
Author: motownmama
the only exception I can think of would be if you were having a table of work friends (maybe)

This was also the only situation where I would think it was ok- but it would also be very maybe and depending on the circumstances. I just got a STD with just my name on it, true I am only engaged, but it didn''t even say and guest (and she knows my FI''s name). I am a little annoyed and while I was not planning on going to the wedding anyway, now I am probably not going to send a gift because I think it is rude, but I will wait and withhold major judgement until the actual invite is sent. (the girl and I hate each other...long story)

 

[meresal]

Date: 5/18/2009 10:12:13 AM
Author: motownmama
the only exception I can think of would be if you were having a table of work friends (maybe)

Agreed. If you spend time with a "group" or a "couple" of people at work, and they would be attending together, then I think it is fine to expect a spouse not to attend.

 

[meresal]

Date: 5/18/2009 10:25:32 AM
Author: sba771

Date: 5/18/2009 10:12:13 AM
Author: motownmama
the only exception I can think of would be if you were having a table of work friends (maybe)

This was also the only situation where I would think it was ok- but it would also be very maybe and depending on the circumstances. I just got a STD with just my name on it, true I am only engaged, but it didn't even say and guest (and she knows my FI's name). I am a little annoyed and while I was not planning on going to the wedding anyway, now I am probably not going to send a gift because I think it is rude, but I will wait and withhold major judgement until the actual invite is sent. (the girl and I hate each other...long story)

*Just as an aside... there are really not formalities for Save-the-date's. I didn't put anyone else names or "& guest" on my STD envelopes,unless they shared the residence. Do you live with your FI? Otherwise there is really no reason to put "& guest" or his name on a Save-the-date invite, IMO.

 

[tlh]

Date: 5/15/2009 6:05:10 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
If my husband were invited to a wedding, and I wasn''t...I would be highly offended and I feel like the same would be true in reverse. My husband and I...we''re a package deal. If we both weren''t included, then neither of us would go....period.

DITTO!

 

[sba771]

Date: 5/18/2009 10:33:07 AM
Author: meresal

Date: 5/18/2009 10:25:32 AM

Author: sba771

Date: 5/18/2009 10:12:13 AM

Author: motownmama

the only exception I can think of would be if you were having a table of work friends (maybe)

This was also the only situation where I would think it was ok- but it would also be very maybe and depending on the circumstances. I just got a STD with just my name on it, true I am only engaged, but it didn''t even say and guest (and she knows my FI''s name). I am a little annoyed and while I was not planning on going to the wedding anyway, now I am probably not going to send a gift because I think it is rude, but I will wait and withhold major judgement until the actual invite is sent. (the girl and I hate each other...long story)

*Just as an aside... there are really not formalities for Save-the-date''s. I didn''t put anyone else names or ''& guest'' on my STD envelopes,unless they shared the residence. Do you live with your FI? Otherwise there is really no reason to put ''& guest'' or his name on a Save-the-date invite, IMO.

We do live together- sadly this girl invited me to get a gift, this is what she told someone else...sometimes you cannot escape stupid immature college junk

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I dunno I am conflicted on this one. Although I agree if you can invite both partners to your wedding (given you have enough space and $ to afford to do so) then that is ideal. But as I mentioned, I think a work table or in my case, a school friends table without husbands is OK. I don't know their partners and it seemed absurd to me to invite them to my small, intimate wedding given that if I did, they would take up approximately 30% of the wedding space... It was either I invited them solo as a group or not at all. While I agree some might take offense (although I would argue none of them did and were very pleased and honored to be invited at all considering how small my wedding is) I think it would have been more rude to not invite them at all (which was the other alternative). At the end of the day, it's my wedding, and I think that only people I am close with should attend, and I wasn't going to invite strangers just because they were married to my school friends... On the other hand, I did invite everyone else (e.g. family and close friends) with partners as long as they were dating someone seriously (and not casually). I just didn't have space to invite my school friend's partners ... I am closer with some of my class mates than others but I decided to invite them all as I didn't want to exclude anyone in the group. I am in a graduate program so I am in the same class with about 11 people every day for 6 years... While I know them well we aren't super close, but I thought it would be nice to invite them all anyway. So far all of them are coming so I don't think they were all that offended. Mind you, I did send out an apologetic email prior to sending out the invites to them stating I wouldn't be able to invite their partners due to space and I was very sorry, but if any of them took offense to that to please let me know and I would try and find space somehow. None of them did of course, but I am suspecting more of them are kind of excited to have a night out all together and party it up! I would be excited!

 

[lauralu]

I just went though this with my guest list. I have invited three people from my previous job. One of them I attended her wedding a year agao. I never put their husbands on the invite because I really feel they will not want to attend and I felt I did not want to obligate them to come. i do not know their husbands and these three gals will be doing some decorating for me before the ceremony and will be coming early as it is. I doubt very much their husbands would want to come due to this as well. It is not a big wedding. Our immediate families and a few friends is all that will be coming. It is a morning ceremony, no dance. short sweet and intimate.

The other side to that is at my new job. I work in a small office. They all just assumed they would be invited. They kept saying things like. i can't wait for your wedding. How exciting ect ect ect. I never thought I would invite them much less their spouses and kids. However, I felt obligated to because they all made such a big deal about coming. So, I gave them invites, with only their name on them, but I took them to work and handed them out and I never put their spouses on them. They know they can bring them if they want to. However, I really feel...why would they want to come? I mean a wedding of someone they do not know and it's not an evening event. My FI would rather send me off on my merry way with the girls and hear all about it later.

now what would change this for me is if it was a big formal affair with a big reception, dance ect where your gone all afternoon and evening and into the night. Than I would rather he come and he would probly as well.

 

[supergirl10]

i voted for the first one, i probably would be offended and we kind of are a package deal. Even though im stil fairly young early/mid twenties FI and i have been together for five years and lived together for nearly 3 so we are well and truly a couple lol.

Around this time last year he was not invited to a wedding of a cousin of mine (presumably because we were not engaged/married) and i was awfully offended, especially since we had been together a lot longer than the couple actually getting married. We are still deciding whether to invite the newlyweds to our wedding next year because of their gross lack of consideration for him.

 

[supergirl10]

I would just like to ommend to say that is my general rule however sometimes this isn't appropriate ie. couples younger than 18 or couples that have been together for less than a year. Musey if it was one of my closer friends i might be more flexible ie if it was 8 months not a year i wouldn't kick them out.

However i was just thinking if it was a friend from work for whom i was a token/work invite then i wouldn't be offended if FI wasn't invited, especially if he had never even met the couple and i would be happy to go on my own.

 

[LadyBlue]

Date: 5/15/2009 6:05:10 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
If my husband were invited to a wedding, and I wasn't...I would be highly offended and I feel like the same would be true in reverse. My husband and I...we're a package deal. If we both weren't included, then neither of us would go....period.

tripple ditto!!!

 

[DiamondsforDee]

Yes, you must invite the spouse. There is no acceptable reason for doing otherwise. People may come up with various excuses and how in a particular situation it makes sense, but at the end of the day they are just excuses and it does not change the fact that to not invite a spouse is incredibly rude.