Are my feelings unreasonable?

[stargrrl]

Date: 5/3/2006 9:20:42 PM
Author: ladykemma

Date: 5/3/2006 7:15:04 PM

Author: Rhapsody

A fews months ago a guy posted here saying he wanted to spend 2k or less which amounted to one months salary and insisted his girl never wore jewelry and wouldn''t care what ring he picked... sounds awfully familiar. A bunch of girls tried to convince him that just because a girl doesn''t wear much jewelry it doesn''t mean she doesn''t care about an engagement ring, quite the opposite since it might be the only nice piece of jewelery they ever wear. Any one else remember that thread?


Maybe you could talk to him and say you appreciate the ring he picked but would prefer something different, and let him know that this is actually important to you. He doesn''t have to understand it (my BF certainly doesn''t) but hopefully he''ll respect that it''s something you care about and will want to do what makes you happy.

wouldn''t it be something if it were him? can someone find the thread? going off to look..


here it is! https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/engagement-ring-best-bang-for-the-buck.40575/=

You guys are great with the advice. I''m planning on talking to him about it over the weekend without doing any evil tricks. It would make for a great story, but I''m too nice and really wouldn''t want to hurt my honey''s feelings.

I looked at the post from the other guy, and that''s not him, since my bf proposed in December. It''s good to see there are other men out there just like mine, and I am glad I''m not the only one in this (eerily similar) situation. Maybe his gf will be on PS to talk about her ring in a few weeks.

 

[bar01]

Guy here -

Agree with much that has been said by the ladies. However, I am opposed to ring cost/salary guidelines. There are too many other variables in life and it is too simplistic to say if a person makes "X" he should afford a ring costing "Y". There are many cost associated with getting married and starting a new life - wedding costs and honeymoons can be expensive these days - and what about setting up a new home?

However, what does bother me is that you said you told him (or gave him) information on what you really wanted (in a ring) - and he ignored it. Makes me wonder about trying to meet other future wants/desires/issues in your relationship!

However, he may just be a dumb old guy and not think much about this kind of thing. As mentioned by others - since he did not really invest any time or emotion in getting your ring - I cannot see how he can be hurt too much. I might not say anything about money - or size - issues unless he specifically asks - but simply say you would like to go shopping for a different style ring - with him. While you are out you can look at wedding bands and see what you both would like for those rings too. I think he might be interested find out what some wedding rings can cost!

 

[blodthecat]

YIP.........I think i would have been as ''mad as a wasp''


There is no way around this one....you have to talk to him!

 

[ilovesparkles]

Well hmph boys can be so silly sometimes! While many of the suggestions are hilarious, I agree being evil just isn''t the way to go. However using a respectful analogy can''t hurt. The whole time reading this post I just kept thinking... What if you bought him a computer, the cheepest, lowest grade computer you could buy... and he couldn''t upgrade.... EVER! Nope this is the computer for the rest of our life! Now there is an analogy he might be able to comprehend.

BTW do you have any pics? ALl this talk about a ring and no pictures

I''d just be curious and hey maybe we could all even help you find something you like

 

[ephemery1]

I''m jumping on the bandwagon... you are definitely not being unreasonable at all. I get very sentimental and attached to things like jewelry, and I used to have NIGHTMARES about receiving a ring from my BF that just wasn''t quite "right". I could imagine myself waking up in the morning, looking down at it, and my heart sinking just a bit. Or somebody asking me to see the ring, and having a tremor in my voice when I said "oh, I just love it."

Yes, it is the thought that counts... but when it''s something you wear every day to reflect just how happy you are in your relationship, you want it to be something that ADDS to that happiness, not detracts!

Like the others have said, this might just be a case of guys being different from girls when it comes to this kind of thing. It seems like he honestly just doesn''t get the importance. The key thing is whether or not your BF will respect YOU, when you explain that it IS important to you, if not to him. How about sitting down with him, and saying that you know he didn''t have a lot of time to put into the first ring, but you really feel like the process would be more special if you went out together and took a look at some rings that you felt represented you better. You don''t even have to say bigger, just that it would be more meaningful to you if you went out with him to look at some other options. While you''re there, he might get a sense for how much you really do prefer bigger stones, and be willing to stretch his budget a bit. Just a thought... and I know you have lots of other good suggestions from here too.

Keep us updated!

 

[bobacha]

aaw so you''ve been wearing the ring for over 4 months now ?

Sounds like you guys are pretty open about stuffs.. so I''d definitely suggest just telling him the truth about how you feel gently .. maybe it slipped his mind somehow that it is something that you''re gonna wear on your finger for the rest of your life. This is not a $2000 laptop that you''ll need to upgrade/replace every 2-3 years. This is your engagement ring !

I agree a minimum of $5K sounds much more reasonable ( although it might still be considered low for someone of your bf''s salary) ...

 

[Dancing Fire]

if i had a $100k income with no debt.i would spend about $20k on her e-ring.

 

[moon river]

Date: 5/4/2006 2:32:32 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
if i had a $100k income with no debt.i would spend about $20k on her e-ring.

Cuz you was raised right DF!!!

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 5/3/2006 11:59:27 PM
Author: stargrrl


You guys are great with the advice. I''m planning on talking to him about it over the weekend without doing any evil tricks. It would make for a great story, but I''m too nice and really wouldn''t want to hurt my honey''s feelings.

stargrrl

don''t hurt his feeling, just twist his arm a little.

 

[Rhapsody]

Date: 5/4/2006 5:41:17 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 5/3/2006 11:59:27 PM

Author: stargrrl




You guys are great with the advice. I''m planning on talking to him about it over the weekend without doing any evil tricks. It would make for a great story, but I''m too nice and really wouldn''t want to hurt my honey''s feelings.

stargrrl


don''t hurt his feeling, just twist his arm a little.

I''m sure you don''t want to hurt his feelings, but you deserve to express that your feelings were hurt. Some men just don''t get it, and as you saw from that other tread you''re not the only one in this position. At least he went by himself. I''ve seen guys send friends or their father to pick out a ring

I''m sure if you approach it tactfully that you guys can find a compromise. Good luck with whatever you do!

 

[kcoursolle]

I''m so sorry you are not happy with you ring. I think you should be happy with your ring and that you are not being unreasonable. My suggestions are similar to others, but hopefully I can add something. Men don''t really understand women''s love for their jewelry and engagement rings. This is unfortunate. My bf wanted to surprise me...but I did NOT want to be surprised with a ring I didn''t like. For me it also made sense to pick out my own ring, because I''m the one who has to wear it and I know exactly what I wanted. I don''t know why advertisers and jewelry store workers encourage men to surprise women with rings. It just doesn''t make any sense to me. So this is what I might do if I was in your situation...

I think a mature approach is a better way to fix this situation. I think you really need to talk to him about it when he has your full attention and is relaxed. I would be kind and patient and not angry when you approach him. I would also resist the urge to get whiney or speak in a loud voice.
I would say something like, “Sweetie, I love you and I am so happy to spend the rest of my life with you blah blah blah, but I don’t think you took my feelings into consideration when you picked out my engagement ring. I imagined myself wearing something quite different. I will wear this ring every day and I want it to be something I truly love. I know that this is just be a piece of jewelry to you and you don''t think jewelry is important, but it is very important to me. It is also a symbol of us and that in itself makes it something important to me. Would it be ok if we looked for something that is more fitting of my style together?”

I would not say very much about the price being too low at this point, you can talk about that later. If it comes up, I would be sensitive when talking about price instead of comparing the prices of other people''s rings or what not. Also, when you go looking at rings together, you might not have to say anything about price if you say that this size, etc is more of what I wanted...price differences will become apparant without having to get into that too much.

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 5/4/2006 2:32:32 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
if i had a $100k income with no debt.i would spend about $20k on her e-ring.

How do you feel about polygamy?

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 5/4/2006 10:31:28 PM
Author: FireGoddess

Date: 5/4/2006 2:32:32 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
if i had a $100k income with no debt.i would spend about $20k on her e-ring.

How do you feel about polygamy?

is that legal now?

too bad i''m nowhere near the $100k income bracket.

 

[akw94]

Hi, welcome to PS!

I''m a little late to the thread but still wanted to agree w/what has already been said. What you are feeling is NEVER unreasonable. You have a right to how you feel, regardless of that feeling. That''s not to say that he is feeling the same way, but you shouldn''t feel like your feelings aren''t justified.
I agree with the approach that you''ve decided on, talking it over w/him and hopefully he will realize that the ring is important to you, even if it''s not to him. He should respect your feelings, even if they''re different from his. I like the idea of shopping together and also looking at wedding rings at the same time. Maybe he will get more into it if you''re doing it together or maybe seeing your reaction to other rings will help him figure out what you like. I definitely think it''s important to start with how happy you are about being engaged and not liking the style of the ring is separate from how you feel about him. And since the ring does, in some ways, represent your relationship, you want it to be something that makes you happy every time you look at it. There''s nothing wrong w/wanting the ring to be something special between the two of you.
Good luck!!

 

[allycat0303]

DF...Hey, does mortgage included in substantial debt?? If not then I definitely need to chat with my boy

 

[mrssalvo]

Date: 5/5/2006 11:06:15 AM
Author: allycat0303
DF...Hey, does mortgage included in substantial debt?? If not then I definitely need to chat with my boy

most financial advisors consider debt to be everything but a house

 

[allycat0303]

. Really??? Msslavo, I don''t have a financial advisor so I didn''t know....intresting, intresting. Are you sure? I always thought mortgage was debt, therefore mortgage= no bling.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 5/5/2006 11:21:14 AM
Author: allycat0303

. Really??? Msslavo, I don''t have a financial advisor so I didn''t know....intresting, intresting. Are you sure? I always thought mortgage was debt, therefore mortgage= no bling.

Wow Ally! You''re a tough customer!

I''d guess most people get married before they even saved up to BUY a house (get a mortgage) in the first place. And they all have some BLING at least!

If most of the world waited ''til they OWNED their homes outright -- there''d be a LOT less bling around for sure! (Hmmm - but maybe it''d be cheap from lack of demand

)

 

[sumbride]

Date: 5/5/2006 11:21:14 AM
Author: allycat0303

. Really??? Msslavo, I don''t have a financial advisor so I didn''t know....intresting, intresting. Are you sure? I always thought mortgage was debt, therefore mortgage= no bling.

The interest on a mortgage is tax deductible, and it''s a long-term loan for a principal dwelling, so therefore, it''s an "investment in your future", not debt. While you definitely have to factor in the costs of monthly mortgage payments, you have to live somewhere!

Unless your mortgage is beyond your means, it shouldn''t get in the way of bling!

 

[TravelingGal]

I should just buy lots of bling, because we are never going to be able to afford a house out here in California!

*sniff sniff* yes, i do feel the need for a consolation prize...

 

[allycat0303]

Decoded: I think I''m what is called uhmmm "frugal" There''s another word for it...but I''ll refrain.

. I was really torn on how much to spend is "reasonable" but when DF said $20, 000 I was like WHHHHHAAATTTT??? I had assumed that my boyfriend had no business whatsoever spending that on a diamond, unless the house was fully paid off. When it was all said and done, he had put down 37% down on the house, so I felt kind of bad because he wasn''t past the 50% mark.

I want more bling. I want it so bad I can practically taste it. And you ladies aren''t helping one bit.

Stargrrl: Sorry to hijack your thread, but I would definitely have a nice long talk with your man. Actually I joked with my boy that if he had done that to me, I would have "lost" the ring

. Hope you get what you are looking for. I think your guy just didn''t realize how woman view engagement rings

 

[partgypsy]

I agree with the girls here, to raise this issue soon, but tactfully.
Many guys just don''t get it, just think of it as a waste of money. As far as the mortgage goes, I have a guy I know who shall remain nameless whose wife does want an upgrade for the 10 year anniversary (actually a firstgrade, since her engagement ring is an heirloom semiprecious stone ring), but he is telling her that any loans, the mortgage, even saving for all thier child''s college expenses (their child is 4 years old!) should come before a piece of jewelry for her. However he has no problem dropping money on expensive music equipment that if you counted up over the past few years exceeds the cost of what she is asking for

! It kind of burns me up actually, because it''s one thing to say its not a top priority, but to put as last, I don''t understand why he wouldn''t understand how that feels to her. BTW they both work and make about the same amount of money. I told her she should just start saving on her own, but she wants it to come from him.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 5/5/2006 11:06:15 AM
Author: allycat0303
DF...Hey, does mortgage included in substantial debt?? If not then I definitely need to chat with my boy

yes,any loan you have to re-pay is debt. house,car,cc...doesn''t matter.

 

[jesterjigger]

Stargrrl...have you talked to him yet??? If not...good luck! And speak up!

 

[allycat0303]

DF...always the voice of reason