Are thank you notes outdated?

[Izzy03]

As I sit here attempting to finish the last of my thank you notes, (wedding was April 4th, my mom is horrified that I have not sent them all out yet) I can''t stop thinking about my friend who was married in January that has not sent me thank you note.

Background info:
My friend is one of the nicest girls you would ever meet and she comes from a very prominent family who is very in touch with proper etiquette. At first I thought maybe she didn''t receive my gift, but I spoke with a mutual friend who was also shocked to have not received a thank you note.

ANYWHO, I was looking for a few examples online to write thank you notes for people who I don''t know very well, and I came across a website of people who all agree that verbal thank you''s are plenty. They feel that thank you notes are a waste of time, paper, postage, and when you send a gift you should not expect something in return.

Could my friend fit into this category?

Of course, I would have never thought to not send thank you''s because I am always slightly horrified when people do not send me one. Maybe I am the one who is wrong?!

Are thank you notes becoming an old fashioned thing of the past?

 

[sonnyjane]

They are NOT outdated! At least they shouldn't be! I got a great response from my thank-you cards and my mom told me that SEVERAL of her friends called her to say what a great job she did raising a daughter that promptly sent out thank-you's! You should most especially send out thank-you's if you received a gift (in your friend's case). It's just rude not to in my opinion.

 

[stephbolt]

I hope they are not outdated! I always write thank-you for gifts that I get if the giver mailed it or passed it along by way of someone else. I don''t always write them if I get the gift in person though, but that rarely happens because my friends and I are not big gift givers. I certainly plan to write notes for all of my shower/wedding gifts. From talking to some of my friends, I have noticed that it seems to be not completely unusual for people to not send thank-you notes, but I certainly don''t want to be part of that group no matter how it grows!

 

[tlh]

A thank you is not outdated, and a verbal thank you is not sufficient either. Due to the expansion of technology, and ease of aquisition, people just take a lot for granted now-a-days. The bride and groom have a year after the wedding to send a thank you, just as a gift can be sent w/n a year of the wedding.... but I think that thank yous just aren''t on people''s radar/priority lists. My friends only sent thank yous to people that would complain to their parents about them being raised w/o manners. I felt slighted because I would have like to have had my gift also acknowledged. Like cashing the check was the thank you? Umm... I don''t think so.

 

[modernsparkler]

I would say NO WAY! Thank you notes are like a right of passage for a wedding. People expect them, but more importantly it is not only gracious but essential for the bride and groom to give thanks for the time and effort people spent buying a wedding present and their generosity in celebrating your marriage. I have been writing thank you notes since I could barely write thanks to my mom, and I would not have it any other way. Your friend may fall into this new category, but I bet her elderly relatives might have a thing or two to say about it!

 

[SapphireLover]

I think timely thank you notes are really important. I get really wound up when we don''t get one as I find it really rude. I also get slightly offended when we get a bland "thank you for the gift" note which isn''t personal or even acknowledge what you actually bought. For all our engagement presents I wrote thank yous. Those that gave cash or gift cards had a thank you which let them know what we had spend them on.

I think I am slightly old fashioned about thank you notes though!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I don''t think thank you notes are outdated at all. I think a verbal thank you, while nice, is a somewhat impersonal way to say thanks. The act of writing the note implies that you took time to sit down and think about the gift, the person who gave it to you, and what it/they mean to you. Just saying thanks verbally says you''re doing it because you have to or you thought about it in passing.

I know they''re a pain but make your grandmother proud...write your thank you notes ladies!!

 

[Lanie]

I''m going to have to say that I think they are becoming a thing of the past. Or maybe people are becoming more rude.

Don''t get me wrong...I wouldn''t DREAM of not writing them. I have written them all of my life and will continue to write them after my wedding.

After the numerous weddings I''ve been to in the past 3 years, I received thank you notes for maybe half. Maybe. I haven''t received many for baby shower stuff either.

I almost felt like calling them up and asking if they received my gift, but didn''t want to put them in a awkward position.

I''m a teacher, and we get gifts for Christmas and at the end of the year. A lot of the teachers just send out email thank yous. Some other ones make a photocopy of a generic "thank you and Merry Christmas" note and mail it to all of their students. I write a hand written note for everyone, and get slack for it!

 

[Izzy03]

Now for another question:

Should thank you''s be sent to everyone who attended the wedding or just the majority that sent a gift.

I have my own opinion on this, but I have found the responses of others I have asked pretty interesting. I would love to hear everyone''s opinion on this too!

 

[Lanie]

I am going to write a note to all who gave a gift, and to everyone who came from out of town who didn''t give a gift (if that happens). Them coming to my wedding and making the trip is enough of a gift for me!

 

[blackbetty]

absolutely not! people just don''t take the time to learn ettiquette or have someone to show them the protocal. it''s like when my brothers'' girlfriends were shopping for a mutual friend''s wedding, and were embarrassed when my mom suggested they go to the store & take a look at the item they were considering...because they thuoght it was like an amazon wishlist. they didn''t know you could go to a store, print a list, & shop. 2 college grads who just never learned some simple things like that, and whose moms had never shown them.

to i cherish every thank you note? of course not, but i read it & know that my gift was received & appreciated. it is never out of date to show appreciation for the gift, the time, and the effort to come to your event (be it a shower or a wedding).

 

[jstarfireb]

I personally believe they are outdated, and a verbal or email thanks should be enough. However, I don''t think the majority of people feel that way, so I''m going to send them out so as not to offend anyone.

 

[musey]

Date: 4/30/2009 3:41:31 PM
Author: Izzy03
Should thank you's be sent to everyone who attended the wedding or just the majority that sent a gift.

This was a non-issue for us, as everyone who attended gave a gift (even if it was just a card, which we sent thank-you notes for their attendance and the lovely card), except for one person, who traveled from across the country on a student budget to be there - and she got a thank you note for that!

We did not send thank you notes of any kind to those invited that did not attend or send gifts (including just a card), obviously, but if we had had attendees that didnt send/give gifts, they still would have gotten a thank you note for attending.

Though come to think of it, those that were in-town at least didn't go through any difficulty (financial or otherwise) to be there, where we paid $120 for their presence. Should they be thanked just for showing up? My impulse is yes, because they made the effort (however small or large) to go, but I don't know what the correct answer is.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I have been really shocked over the past couple of years of how we seem to get thank you notes less and less.

I personally always send them...and of course sent them for my wedding. Everyone get a thank you note...even if all we recieved was a card, or (in a few instances) nothing at all...because it wasn''t the value of the gift that mattered so much as the fact that they were there. However, that doesn''t mean I won''t remember who gave what so turn around is fair

.

Anyway, I believe that thank you notes are alive and well. I actually enjoy writing them...and enjoy making them personal.

 

[lliang_chi]

I definitely appreciate thank you notes, but I think the custom is becoming outdated because (I think) people value convenience over etiquette. I can say for about half the weddings I gifted either money or off the registry (I did not attend one), I did not receive thank you notes for. So I think people are just "too busy" to waste time on etiquette. Sad. I plan on sending notes because I always appreciate it. I even let people know i received their checks or cards or whatever.

To answer Izzy''s other question, I will be sending a thank you card for just attendance. My wedding is in FL which is a distance for almost 99% of our friends, so it''s an effort for them to come out.

 

[sunnyd]

In my experience, they must be outdated, because I''ve only ever received 1 thank you note from the 4 weddings I''ve been to.

 

[Izzy03]

Date: 4/30/2009 4:03:02 PM
Author: musey

Date: 4/30/2009 3:41:31 PM

Author: Izzy03

Should thank you''s be sent to everyone who attended the wedding or just the majority that sent a gift.

This was a non-issue for us, as everyone who attended gave a gift (even if it was just a card, which we sent thank-you notes for their attendance and the lovely card), except for one person, who traveled from across the country on a student budget to be there - and she got a thank you note for that!


We did not send thank you notes of any kind to those invited that did not attend or send gifts (including just a card), obviously, but if we had had attendees that didnt send/give gifts, they still would have gotten a thank you note for attending.


Though come to think of it, those that were in-town at least didn''t go through any difficulty (financial or otherwise) to be there, where we paid $120 for their presence. Should they be thanked just for showing up? My impulse is yes, because they made the effort (however small or large) to go, but I don''t know what the correct answer is.

The only people who showed up and DID NOT give a gift were people who live in the area. They didn''t have to spend anything but a little gas money. All the people who fall into this category were on my hubby''s side of the family. Hubby and his mother both agree that there is no need to send thank you''s to these people. They didn''t obviously didn''t think to send a gift, so they probably aren''t expecting a thank you. Oh well.

 

[bee*]

I don''t think they''re outdated at all. I think that it''s lovely to receive one after you gave a gift and I''m definitely going to send one to our guests after the wedding.

 

[Haven]

Thank you notes aren''t outdated at all. Grace and class, however, are getting more and more difficult to come by.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 4/30/2009 3:41:31 PM
Author: Izzy03
Now for another question:


Should thank you''s be sent to everyone who attended the wedding or just the majority that sent a gift.


I have my own opinion on this, but I have found the responses of others I have asked pretty interesting. I would love to hear everyone''s opinion on this too!

While I think it would be nice to send a note to everyone who attended the wedding, I probably would only do it if they gave a gift.

 

[sammyj]

Date: 4/30/2009 4:33:03 PM
Author: Haven
Thank you notes aren''t outdated at all. Grace and class, however, are getting more and more difficult to come by.

I couldn''t agree more.

Luckily for me, I have received a thank you card for every shower/wedding I''ve attended (with the exception of one engagement party where I''m in the bridal party

), so I haven''t experienced the decline in manners first-hand.

To answer the OP''s question about whether or not I''ll send a thank you to non-gifting attendees, I think I would decide on a case-by-case basis. That probably sounds terrible but I''m an emotional person and it would really depend on how put-off I''d be by not receiving a gift.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 4/30/2009 4:33:03 PM
Author: Haven
Thank you notes aren''t outdated at all. Grace and class, however, are getting more and more difficult to come by.

Agreed.

 

[White Orchid]

I''d send your friend a thank-you card and give her the benefit of the doubt. It took me 4 months to get mine out after my wedding! And that''s considered pretty prompt in this neck of the woods!

 

[mrscushion]

That's crazy that so many posters on this thread never received thank-you notes for the weddings they attended/gifts they gave. That piece of etiquette is so prominent, even if you personally thought the custom is outdated, how could you not feel compelled to comply?

To the original poster -- according to etiquette, your friend does have a year to send the card, so maybe the card will still come? ETA: I just saw in the other thread that this is a myth? Really? It says so right in my "Real Simple Weddings Guide" ... How can they be wrong?

 

[kittybean]

No, thank you notes are absolutely not outdated. I cannot believe how many people don''t send them! Horrible!

The one year thing is definitely a myth. You do not have a year to give a gift, and the bride also does not have a year to write thank you notes! Although I''m not sure what the "official" time frame is for sending a gift, I always send one to the bride''s home before the wedding. I believe thank you notes should be sent within two weeks of returning from the honeymoon, or if the gift is received before the wedding, within two weeks of receiving the gift (or sooner!).

As Haven expressed, I fear social grace is definitely becoming a lost art.

 

[Haven]

Date: 4/30/2009 5:10:28 PM
Author: mscushion
That''s crazy that so many posters on this thread never received thank-you notes for the weddings they attended/gifts they gave. That piece of etiquette is so prominent, even if you personally thought the custom is outdated, how could you not feel compelled to comply?

To the original poster -- according to etiquette, your friend does have a year to send the card, so maybe the card will still come? ETA: I just saw in the other thread that this is a myth? Really? It says so right in my ''Real Simple Weddings Guide'' ... How can they be wrong?

The Real Simple Weddings Guide is wrong because whomever wrote that "guide" obviously did not do their research, or they relied on unreliable sources, of course.

This guide can be wrong in exactly the same way as many "Wedding Etiquette" books and guides are wrong when they say to use "Request the honour of your presence" for any ceremony location, or other incorrect advice like that.

OR, how about stationers who tell brides that response cards are proper? They''re relying on incorrect sources, and it''s such a shame.

 

[mrscushion]

Date: 4/30/2009 6:27:58 PM
Author: Haven
The Real Simple Weddings Guide is wrong because whomever wrote that 'guide' obviously did not do their research, or they relied on unreliable sources, of course.

Gosh, I totally believed that the one-year rule was correct. How are you supposed to know what to believe? I mean, that's a pretty well-known magazine and the guide isn't cheap... Well, now I know.

OR, how about stationers who tell brides that response cards are proper? They're relying on incorrect sources, and it's such a shame.

Wait -- what's this about? What are response cards?

 

[Haven]

mscushion--Like anything, stick with the experts. (Or you can decide you don''t give a darn, and do whatever you please.

)

But, since you asked, the big etiquette experts are Judith Martin (AKA Miss Manners,) Leticia Baldridge, Amy Vanderbilt, and, of course, Emily Post. There are so many poorly written (and ill advised) "etiquette" books out there, especially ones that purport to be wedding-related. And don''t even get me started on the websites . . .

As for response cards, many people use them these days, and that is fine. However, popular usage does not mean they are proper for formal social invites. When we went to order our Crane''s invitations, the stationer (who worked for Papyrus) was shocked that we did not want response cards. She said something like "But they''re the correct thing to use!" They are not. People *should* respond to a formal invitation with a handwritten note. And that woman sells stationery--how could she be so ill-informed? It''s one thing to understand that people use them and that''s okay, it''s another to say that they are the "correct" thing to use. (We ended up getting blank response cards, anyway, because DH won that battle.)

 

[princesss]

Definitely NOT outdated. I'm actually fairly annoyed with myself as it's a skill I lack. I can manage to remember that I should send them with exactly one person (BF's grandmother). I'm working on it. My birthday is coming up, so I'm going to buy some pretty thank you cards. I find if they're pretty, I want to use them more, and the cards actually make it out of the house.

I do think that if you're in person and exchanging gifts (as in, both people in the exchange receive a gift), then a sincere "Thank you" in person will suffice. But in every other situation I think it needs to be handwritten. Not 100% proper, I know, but it's what I'm doing for now.

 

[mrscushion]

Date: 4/30/2009 8:31:53 PM
Author: Haven
mscushion--Like anything, stick with the experts. (Or you can decide you don''t give a darn, and do whatever you please.

) But, since you asked, the big etiquette experts are Judith Martin (AKA Miss Manners,) Leticia Baldridge, Amy Vanderbilt, and, of course, Emily Post. There are so many poorly written (and ill advised) ''etiquette'' books out there, especially ones that purport to be wedding-related. And don''t even get me started on the websites . . .

Thanks! I think I was raised fairly well, but it seems I don''t have that much of a clue when it comes to weddings!

As for response cards, many people use them these days, and that is fine. However, popular usage does not mean they are proper for formal social invites. When we went to order our Crane''s invitations, the stationer (who worked for Papyrus) was shocked that we did not want response cards. She said something like ''But they''re the correct thing to use!'' They are not. People *should* respond to a formal invitation with a handwritten note. And that woman sells stationery--how could she be so ill-informed? It''s one thing to understand that people use them and that''s okay, it''s another to say that they are the ''correct'' thing to use. (We ended up getting blank response cards, anyway, because DH won that battle.)

Oh! Even blank response cards meet the bare minimum! Who knew. Well, thanks for letting me know. I do think I''ll be using those cards in my invitations, since I think guests will expect them.