Are you close to your Future FMIL (or FMIL / MIL)?

[Bia]

Date: 5/27/2008 6:55:31 PM
Author: Pandora II
On the whole women don''t have affairs for fun, but because they are unhappy in their relationship.


Strikes me that this girl is still very unhappy and feels that the family have never forgiven her. If she and her husband have made things right between them, then it must be very difficult if she knows that there are all these looks of disapproval everytime she shows her face - when really it''s no-one''s business but her and her husbands.


It must therefore be hard to see someone else joining the family and being treated the way you are - and presumably how she was at the beginning.


I would try not to see things she says or done as being aimed at you, but more as a reflection of her own feelings and insecurities.



Personally, I have a great relationship with all my FIL''s, but I like to have boundaries set - so while I''m always happy to see them and am very open with them all, I would hate to feel I had to see them too often. 4 or 5 times a year seems about right to me.


That said, I would find it a wee bit odd if they were overly huggy or physically affectionate - but then I am not very touchy feely in general.

Yup. This is what I was thinking. The only reason I might excuse the family for getting involved a bit was due to the circumstances. I am almost certain they would have preferred if the situation had remained simple (a young couple that made a mistake), unfortunately it was not and hit much closer to home, thus they were involved without wanting to be. It was just a mess and it sucks on both ends. But that was years ago, and its life...stuff happens.

I guess I took what she said to me to heart (maybe because she''s older and more experienced) and felt that maybe I am too close to my FMIL...but that is ridiculous as long as I have my boundaries set in place.

 

[choro72]

I''m actually jealous that you have such a good relationship with your FMIL. Not that mine hates me or anything, but I can never pass the "polite line".
So don''t take your cousin in law seriously.

 

[StarvingMusician]

I am close to my boyfriend''s mother. She is a very warm, inviting person, and from what his Brother''s wife has said, this will not change once we are married. They also live in Wyoming, and we are in New York State, so there is a distance factor (we won''t always be getting into each other''s hair.)

I feel bad for my boyfriend; my mom is kind of a pain, along the lines of picking on what is wrong with us and trying to "tactfully" point out these flaws. But he knows it, and more importantly I know it, so we are able to dodge any bullets and laugh it off.

 

[diamondfan]

Personally I cannot abide mine. She is rude and obnoxious and total drama diva, very manipulative.

She never was good to me, and after over 18 years, I totally get it and know she will not change. I just do what I want to do.

However, if YOU get along with you FMIL, do not let one stinky petty nasty person get in your head. If you like her, and can spend time with her, do not worry. Be so glad you two get along. And this cousin sounds unhappy, maybe clinically something is up or maybe she just like to bring misery wherever she goes...who knows. But if she more a peripheral family member I would simply not worry too much about it. There sadly is usually someone of her ilk at a gathering...and in a family. Just say, Oh, no, it is NOT weird. She is very affectionate and loving towards me, which is great. And then go excuse yourself to get a cold drink or to use the restroom.

 

[Bia]

Thanks ladies. I really appreciate your input. I should know better than to let others get into my head but sometimes I can''t help it. I think I overanalyze way too much.

You are right, this is her deal. The best I can do is continue being nice (and reserved) and be happy that my FMIL supports me and loves me enough to show her affection. It could be worse LOL

 

[penniepie25]

I absolutely adore my FMIL and my bfs entire family!
His mom adores me also as she has 4 boys!! we get along great - chat over wine and coffee, cry together laugh together. She is soo open and honest and i can not wait to call her my family. I lost my mom at 15 and i feel she is a blessing in my life and i sometimes go to my bfs house and go straight to the kitchen to see her or when my bf goes out with friends i hang out after he leaves with her- i totally gravitate towards her and adore learning things from her (cooking, caring for family, household stuff) She is an amazing mother and i know when i have my FF children one day she will be a huge influence and help!

She gets me to talk about my mom and my memories while she shares memories about her mom....she gets me to open up about things i dont usually talk about and she even has said to me i really want to see pictures of her so i can put a face to everything you have told me. She always tells me despite the hardship i had i turned out amazing and i think she feels great about me being with her son

 

[Bia]

Penniepie, it is great that you have such a wonderful relationship with your FMIL...from what I hear, many people do not and that is unfortunate. I always hoped that I would have a good relationship with my BF's family because I wanted my future children to grow up with two families that love and support them AND DON'T bicker and fight over petty stuff--I HATE THAT!!!

Also, because my mother (parents) lives hours away and I don't see her every month, it feels nice to have a surrogate mom and sister, in my family's absense...especially since everyone, including all my cousins, aunts and uncles live far. Even though I am somewhat of an independent spirit, I never realized how much my moving to NY would affect me (and that's that Massachusetts isn't all that far!!! I can only imagine if it were cross country or something!) I miss home terribly.

God, I am such a sap lately!

In your case, I can imagine having lost your mother was hard growing up...especially during early adulthood. So it is fantastic that you have his mother. She sounds like a dream MIL!

Guess we lucked out, eh?