Are you ready to die?

[HGar]

I’m not scared of dying. I’m 54 and it’s inevitable. In the last 4yrs I’ve had our adopted Grandfather, my Dad, my Father in Law and my best friend’s Dad pass away.

Legally we have everything in place and I’m very open telling my husband and kids what my rules are.

My two best friends and I have a giggle every time we are together about the mayhem that the remaining of us will create at the first and second of us to go’s funerals. We’ve warned our 5 children that there will be fart jokes, lucky door prizes and a raffle so don’t get in our way.

 

[missy]

I think us old folks hijacked this thread. Sorry Missy!

Ha Ha.. guess I should have used sunscreen when I was a red headed kid growing up in So. Cal. Too late now!
@Missy… we are going to stop this now and get serious. I’m definitely going to see if I can get a digital copy of The Beauty of What Remains.

Girl, I'm old too and hijack away..it's all good.

When I go, I would like to be swift, pain-free and no fuss.

I think that's the way all of us hope to die. In our sleep would be best. You were fortunate your dog went without suffering. In my experience that is rare. I still cry over the way Francesca died. I know we did the best we could and that we couldn't have known her last day would be like that. Our veterinarians were telling us everyone has a bad day and it wasn't time but it was. I still cry daily over Francesca. And while we recently gave our Tommy boy peace I feel huge guilt over that too. Because we just have no way of knowing if it was truly time. While we are more civilized with euthanasia with our furry babies it gives me guilt. I don't want to play g-d. But I couldn't let him suffer. The experience with Francesca has forever colored my perception. But, "they" say better a day too early than a minute too late...IDK how do you know it's only a day early? You don't. So for anyone who dies in their sleep or of natural causes painlessly that is a blessing beyond blessings. IMO

 

[missy]

I made a long, detailed "letter of instruction" for spouse and/or kids with all the financial information and guidance about what to do with what, what to do immediately (almost nothing), what to do longer term, who holds our Will, what in the house is of some intrinsic value, which things have sentimental value to spouse and me (family heirlooms -- nothing of value), and even documentation for some capital improvements to our home for when they sell.

I did this over the past year after a close family friend in the neighborhood became terminally ill -- in an attempt to manufacture some (personal) "good" out of this tragedy. I feel much better and more relaxed about my own death (I think) after having done this. My late father was seemingly about 20 minutes into this process when he passed, unexpectedly (to all of us survivors), and it was a struggle to piece his world together post hoc. Our own "estate" has plagued me ever since so it felt really good to put it in writing. (No, no words of wisdom from the grave -- just the facts.) Spouse was super-happy that I did this and I can not get her to read it or even look at it no matter how many times I ask. I'm pretty sure she can bear the thought of my absence; it's just a lot of pages of dense financial reading!

I'm also trying to whip stuff into shape -- selling little-used things in our home, consolidating accounts, selling small financial holdings to get fewer rows on the spreadsheet, etc. Our estate plan is simple and fairly current and the kids are capable and are good friends.

Not "ready to die," per se, but when/if the news comes, I feel I at least have this part of my act more together than average.

Very smart to do and of course we can only do the best we can do.


My dear friend's DH died unexpectedly last spring.
He was in his 50s.
He did not have a will.
His wife (a very smart MD) was not prepared and did not know any of his passwords to their accounts (which he took care of completely).

It was not just a nightmare that he died so young and so unexpectedly but a nightmare for her many many months afterwards to sort of the huge mess so she could start taking over everything he did for them. And also take care of his mom's accounts because he did that too.


Tragedy upon tragedy. First tragedy is he died. Second tragedy he left his wife with such a mess to sort out.
Surprising because she is a very smart woman.
But it happens more than you could think.
It happened to another friend of mine too.
Another very bright woman.

Because no one thinks it can happen (at least at such a young age)
So unpleasant to deal with for sure
But deal with it we must
Or our loved ones pay the deep consequences

And please everyone (I know I am preaching to the choir)
Make arrangements for your furry babies
I beg you
Please
You have no idea how awful it can be if there are no arrangements for their safety and well being when you are gone

 

[missy]

I’m definitely going to see if I can get a digital copy of The Beauty of What Remains.

Jean, it's also available in the library should you want to take it out for free. Please let me know what you think if you do read it.
And let's hope none of us need to personally worry about dying for a very long time

I know my dh and I have lost so many loved ones.
Furry babies and humans
I know it won't be long for another loss or two
I know this is life
But I don't like the way it works
I accept it because I have no choice
But I wish we all could live in good health (and happiness) forever

 

[dk168]

@missy been there done that in that my mum's affairs are a mess. Won't go into details as it is still on-going and too emotional, except to say I have walked away from it all due to massive disagreements with my brother. He can take everything and do whatever he fecking like with it all and I really don't care!

Being on my own with no dependents, if I die now, everything will go to my brother, which is not what I want.

Therefore, I must put in place a will, POA, care for the fur kids, my wishes for funeral arrangements and assets, etc. etc...

DK

 

[jeaniefish]

Jean, it's also available in the library should you want to take it out for free. Please let me know what you think if you do read it.
And let's hope none of us need to personally worry about dying for a very long time

I know my dh and I have lost so many loved ones.
Furry babies and humans
I know it won't be long for another loss or two
I know this is life
But I don't like the way it works
I accept it because I have no choice
But I wish we all could live in good health (and happiness) forever

Thank you Missy. I just said goodbye to my best girl ,Ellie. I have so much guilt and sadnesss over the way she died. If this book will bring me some comfort, it would be worth paying for it.

 

[missy]

Jean, I am so sorry for your loss
Our furry babies lives are way too short
It’s so unfair

 

[Avondale]

Not ready yet. I need to get my old dog past the finish line. She will not do well without me, even though daddy will try. I do not want to outlive my husband. I pray I die first. Death doesn't scare me, dying does. I'm just like everyone else in that I want to die in my sleep but we know how rare that is.

i need to outlive Puff Ball, he is only 18 months old, he needs his mummy
also Fluffy

That's my boat, basically. Even if everything else falls apart, I have a young cat, not even 2 years old, and we're bonded. I must see him through the entirety of his life first before anything else is allowed to happen.

Aside from that I have a basic will, a just-in-case type of situation. I've been thinking I should set up some additional aids - for example a list of my current clients with contact information, or arrange the critical documents neatly and in one place, like notary deeds and the such, but I haven't quite gotten to that. Besides, I supposedly should have ample time, I'm only beginning to scratch middle age.

But I'm not scared of dying. Death is easy - you just stop being. The difficult part is left to the ones you leave behind. So that's what all the preparation is about, really. I don't want to leave a chaotic mess for my loved ones to have to figure out, I want to make it easy on them to put my final affairs in order when the time comes.

I'll get to it eventually.

 

[seaurchin]

I still feel bad about not putting one of my old cats to sleep sooner. Every day, I'd think about having her put down but would then give her a painkiller injection instead, trying to keep her comfortable while I thought about it a little while longer. But I just couldn't make that final call, until she went semi-conscious and didn't come back out of it. Having been through it now, I know I'll do better next time, though... and then I might feel like I did it too soon.

We have wills but really should do more. There too, I'm not sure if we did it (the wills) right or not. I felt like naming one (grown) child as the executor slights the other grown child, so they're equal co-executors. They get along pretty well and are reasonable people in my opinion, so hopefully it will be fine. But there too, there's no way to know for sure.

A death in our family ended up with permanently severed ties. There wasn't much connection left anyway by then but that final cut-off, ugh. It seems to me that the big stressful family things (weddings, funerals, even holidays) tend to tip people I'd considered disordered in the first place, over the edge. Which I can handle until the display of dysfunction is directed at me.

 

[jeaniefish]

I can’t say that I am ready to die, especially when it concerns having my affairs in order. However, I know that I don’t want to be buried .
I want a Viking funeral! Seriously, I do. I’m not sure that’s legal in any part of the U.S., but that’s what I want

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

i think i'll be cremated so i can go back home to Dunedin and squeese in beside my mum and dad
i liked the idea of being made into a diamond but there is no one to leave it too who would know me to love it

 

[Avondale]

On the subject of "what to do with my body"...

A while ago I saw something which I found to be a genius idea. Cremated ashes, sealed in a bottle floating on the sea. A note inside saying (paraphrasing from memory) "I'm on an adventure, I'm sailing the seas, I was released at <location>. If you find me, snap a photo and send it to <email> and say where you found me, then release me back into the water so I can continue with my journey".

I told my husband I want him to do that with me so that I can continue to travel the world even in death. He said he'd rather keep me on the shelf with all our deceased cats. Which is also fine, I guess.

 

[missy]

I can’t say that I am ready to die, especially when it concerns having my affairs in order. However, I know that I don’t want to be buried .
I want a Viking funeral! Seriously, I do. I’m not sure that’s legal in any part of the U.S., but that’s what I want

So just a quick search brings up different answers but it seems if you really are determined you can make it happen

"
There is no definitive answer to this question as it would depend on the specific laws of the municipality in which the Viking funeral was taking place. However, in general, Viking funerals are legal in the United States as long as they adhere to local regulations and do not pose a public safety risk.

Some municipalities have restrictions on where pyres can be lit, and others may have restrictions on what types of materials can be used in a Viking funeral. It is always important to check with local authorities before planning any type of funeral or ceremony so that you are aware of any specific regulations that may apply.

"

Is It Legal To Have A Viking Funeral?

Viking Funeral? Yes We Can! What do you do when you die? If you’re like most people, you probably have a plan for your funeral. But […]

pfhblog.prayfuneral.com

 

[Austina]

Am I afraid to die? No, I’m more afraid of my DH dying. Because of his profession, he’s always taken care of financial matters. Ours is even more complicated because his pensions are paid in another country, and involve having to buy currency in order to transfer it over here. Can I do it, yes, he’s shown me how. Do I want to deal with it when I’m grief stricken, no, I don’t. Frankly, when he’s gone, I don’t see a lot of point living in foreign country on my own. There will never be anyone else for me.

We’ve had our wills in place for many years, and recently updated them, we both know each others wishes in terms of having a terminal illness, or an accident and being left in a permanent vegetative state.

I never thought about dying until recently, it’s horrible realising the majority of your life is behind you, and you have no idea how many more years are ahead.

 

[Lookinagain]

He said he'd rather keep me on the shelf with all our deceased cats. Which is also fine, I guess.

I have always thought that my daughter should cremate me and put me on the mantle with my deceased Boston Terriers. But she can do what she wants.

 

[Matata]

A former poster was the motivation for me to get the will and power of attorney taken care of and to urge (nag) DH to get all his ducks in a row. I think her user name was PintoBean, apologies in advance if I misremembered her name. Her husband died in a car accident and she had a couple of stressful years dealing with and sorting through a whole host of issues because they were unprepared for such a possibility. I learned much from her tragic experience.

 

[dk168]

I severed ties with my brother after he had upset me one last time.

He is not the only person who has lost a parent, I did too.

Not wasting my time and energy to help him as he is selfish.

Not dissing anyone with a mental condition, however he would use it as an excuse for his failures and inactions, and had done so since he was first diagnosed 20+ years ago.

Wish I could have done the same whenever I found myself in a tricky/sticky situation.

I am sad that I broke my promise to my mum about looking after him; however, I believe she would understand.

DK

 

[missy]

I never thought about dying until recently, it’s horrible realising the majority of your life is behind you, and you have no idea how many more years are ahead.

You have articulated my thoughts perfectly. Yes. This is how I feel too. And this:

Am I afraid to die? No, I’m more afraid of my DH dying.

Though I am afraid to die, I am much more afraid of my DH dying. I would have no reason to continue. In my case it's because I am an introvert and prefer the company of my dh to everyone else. I have a few good friends who I love but it's not the same. As your partner in life who is there with you through the good and the bad and the ugly. One disadvantage I suppose of being so much in love with your partner. Because if we didn't care/love (them) as much it wouldn't mean as much. I also know @mrs-b feels this way too or at least did last time we spoke

 

[missy]

I severed ties with my brother after he had upset me one last time.

He is not the only person who has lost a parent, I did too.

Not wasting my time and energy to help him as he is selfish.

Not dissing anyone with a mental condition, however he would use it as an excuse for his failures and inactions, and had done so since he was first diagnosed 20+ years ago.

Wish I could have done the same whenever I found myself in a tricky/sticky situation.

I am sad that I broke my promise to my mum about looking after him; however, I believe she would understand.

DK

I'm sorry DK. That is not easy. But you have to do what is best for you. If you don't look after you no one else will.
We sort of cut ties with Greg's brother's wife (only see her at funerals and do not speak with her) but Greg is still very close to his brother and I have a good relationship with him too. But his wife is a real beatch and tried breaking us up a very long time ago. She always had this huge crush on Greg and couldn't stand to see him happy with me. It's ironic because she warned him we had nothing in common (LOL) and it wouldn't work and now she and Greg's brother live separate lives though still married. She will never divorce because she has grown accustomed to a luxurious life style. But their marriage died two decades ago. So what she predicted for us came true for them. I take no pleasure in it and only feel sorry for them. She is a classic narcissist and I think no matter who she was with she wouldn't be happy.

 

[dk168]

@missy my elder sister cut off ties with the family a long time ago.

Blood may be thicker than water, however, just because I am blood-related to someone, it does not mean I have to like that person.

DK

 

[missy]

@missy my elder sister cut off ties with the family a long time ago.

Blood may be thicker than water, however, just because I am blood-related to someone, it does not mean I have to like that person.

DK

100% and I do not believe blood is thicker than water in the sense of it meaning you should be closer to blood relatives than people you have chosen to be close to. I love my DH with all my heart and soul and he is not (obviously lol) a blood relative. But I couldn't love him more. We don't get to choose our blood relatives but we choose our partner(s) in life. I am very fortunate in that my family is great and I am thankful for them. But Greg. He is my b'shert, my soulmate. And no one can compare to the importance he takes in my life

 

[Gloria27]

No, but if it happens then I hope I make it to the side where the grass is always green and the light is like a golden warm embrace. I know who waits for me there, I still see them in my dreams.

 

[AprilBaby]

I will be 66 in April and I have been giving a lot of thought to dying. I’m obsessed with listening to podcast or reading about people who were clinically dead and what happened while they were dead and when they came back. Everyone said it wasn’t painful at all. I have no worries about dying, my belief system gives me comfort. I will just feel bad for my children and grandchildren who I know will miss me.

 

[empliau]

Am I ready? No. But like several of you, I am more worried about outliving my spouse. He would grieve, but in the end he would be fine. I would be shattered, and I have a child (grown up, but still) and pets to care for. I could not just give up, but I know I would want to.

Still, as someone whose profession concerns almost exclusively the past, I realize that dying doesn't take talent, courage, or skill: It will come for us. All the billions of people before us managed. I imagine I will too.

We did get a lot of papers in order this year - wills, medical directives, etc. As for what I am informed the Swedes call death cleaning, well, I've tried. But I like the bags of letters from my friends, back when we wrote letters. I like the china ornaments that my grandma and my great-uncle gave me. So many things may have no resale value, but when I see and touch them, my past lives again in me, and the people I loved in that past. So I'm leaving a list of what is valuable - the estate sale people can toss the rest unwept, unhonored, and unsung.

 

[jeaniefish]

So just a quick search brings up different answers but it seems if you really are determined you can make it happen

"
There is no definitive answer to this question as it would depend on the specific laws of the municipality in which the Viking funeral was taking place. However, in general, Viking funerals are legal in the United States as long as they adhere to local regulations and do not pose a public safety risk.

Some municipalities have restrictions on where pyres can be lit, and others may have restrictions on what types of materials can be used in a Viking funeral. It is always important to check with local authorities before planning any type of funeral or ceremony so that you are aware of any specific regulations that may apply.

"

Is It Legal To Have A Viking Funeral?

Viking Funeral? Yes We Can! What do you do when you die? If you’re like most people, you probably have a plan for your funeral. But […]

pfhblog.prayfuneral.com

OMG, Missy! I had no idea that was even remotely possible! But it makes sense when I think about it. Here in Texas, you can set off fire works willy nilly, so why not dead bodies too?

 

[jeaniefish]

I will be 66 in April and I have been giving a lot of thought to dying. I’m obsessed with listening to podcast or reading about people who were clinically dead and what happened while they were dead and when they came back. Everyone said it wasn’t painful at all. I have no worries about dying, my belief system gives me comfort. I will just feel bad for my children and grandchildren who I know will miss me.

Hi @April Baby,
That’s one of the reasons to consider a Viking funeral. If you aren’t really dead when you are “buried”, the heat from the flames will probably wake you up and you can jump ship!

 

[mrs-b]

You have articulated my thoughts perfectly. Yes. This is how I feel too.

I also know @mrs-b feels this way too or at least did last time we spoke

Still do, @missy. Always will. <3

 

[Matata]

I'm not afraid of being dead but I'm apprehensive of the process of dying because it ain't pretty. I'm hoping for quick over lingering.

 

[VRBeauty]

I do not have all of my affairs in order - and at my age that’s. Very sorry and somewhat precarious state of affairs, given that I don’t want all of my estate to go to my husband. So… definitely something to be addressed. (He has grown children from a previous marriage who will get the bulk of his estate.)

Emotionally though I think I’m prepared. When I lost my mother about ten years ago - followed closely by a brother and my best friend - it really forced me to face the idea of death and wrap my head around it a bit. It challenged my faith. I read a lot, heard from people, talked to people, and came to a place where I’m now seeing death more as a passage to another state of being. And if that turns out to be wrong, and death is just an end, well, that’s OK too. All of that thinking things through really helped when my father passed away a few years later.

@dk168: My mother chose chemotherapy in an attempt to hold off the cancer that ultimately took her life. It made the end of her life unbearable. She had been a nurse and it seemed like she threw all that she knew and had learned from nursing out the window to hold on the hope of getting a few more months of life. I somehow got the notion that she had done it in the hope of being able to prepare my father to live without her. He had no interest in learning how to prepare his own meals etc, and was looking forward to a simple life of TV dinners. Truth be told, I held that against him for a while; blamed him for the suffering she went through. Oh well. I do think her experience will color any decisions I might have to make about cancer treatment. I can only hope that it won’t affect my ability to make a good decision if I’m ever faced with that decision.

@Bron357: my mother once worked with a nurse who had a near-death experience on the operating table. It had happened at the hospital the bothworked at so of course word got around, but she didn’t want to talk about it. But she did share two things with my mother: she had not wanted to return to life, and she was no longer afraid of death.