Are you the "we want no-baby couple" and why?

[tenfour]

Date: 12/4/2008 6:50:37 PM
Author: Addy


I always find it odd that people question the choice not to have children, but people who want children rarely get asked why. Why is the default decision to have children?

Date: 12/4/2008 2:09:08 PM

Author: tenfour

we don''t really have a reason for not wanting kids. the fact that we just don''t want them should be reason enough for us not to have them!!

I like this answer! It''s hard to explain that to the woman who always asks me though. She doesn''t ask my husband, she asks me, which is very annoying as well.

thanks!! it really is the most honest answer i can give. other people in my no-child-thanks justify the position with reasons like money, disliking kids, not having time for kids, wanting more time for themselves, etc. none of those really apply in our case. we just don''t want them, which is one of the reasons why we married each other. it makes sense to have the same idea of family as your partner, right??

 

[AllieLuv83]

Everyone knows my feeling on JK+8 but that being said I feel like I was born to be a mother but then again I would never go up to someone and be like "sooooooo when are you getting knocked up?" I only ask those questions from girls that are as baby obsessed as me. Seriously I remember myself being like three and wheeling the babies around in their strollers in the park. I know it sounds weird and I have accomplished many things in life but I think my biggest accomplishment will be my children.

 

[elrohwen]

I'm pretty sure we want children eventually, but I plan to wait as long as possible before having them. Haha. We're both 24 and getting married next. I've had other women as when we'll have children (never pressuring, mostly just curious) and I say 10 years and they always seem a bit surprised. I just have no desire to have kids any time soon because I love our relationship and our life just the way it is. I would love a puppy

but definitely no kids in the near future. Someday I think we'll be ready, but I'm not in a hurry. I could even see being in my early 30s and still not ready, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Our other childess-by-choice friends have a refreshing take. We were on vacation with two couples in their 30s who don't even plan on having kids. One of them asked us when we planned to have kids and I gave my standard answer of "not for a long time". Her response, "Great! That means we can hang out with you guys for a long time!" Hahaha.

I imagine the questioning will get more frequent as we get older, but at least I know we have some close friends who completely understand. And I know my parents won't be bugging me because they didn't want kids when they got married either. They waited 10 years before having me, so they completely understand where I'm coming from.

ETA: Thought of a funny story to add. We dog sit for a co-worker's dog Daisy a lot and love it. Another co-worker asked if I could baby sit for his 1 year old sometimes (he is a really cute kid). I asked FI about it and he said, "Does it come with a kennel that we can put it in like we do with Daisy?" LOL I told my co-woker that as soon as his kid can walk, talk, and use the bathroom himself, I'm all for baby sitting

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 12/4/2008 6:50:37 PM
Author: Addy

I always find it odd that people question the choice not to have children, but people who want children rarely get asked why. Why is the default decision to have children?

Here''s a shot at approaching this question from a scientific perspective

- I think it''s the "default decision" because that''s how the human animal is biologically programmed. The instinct that makes humans want to have sexual intercourse is our biological programming urging us to procreate, the same as we have the urge to sleep and eat. For hundreds of thousands of years, offspring was relied upon for labor, and depended on for the security, growth and survival of the parents & the rest of the tribe. In our modern age, with birth control and savings accounts, we no longer have to procreate as a method of ensuring survival of ourselves, or our communities. Social Security has, in American culture, replaced the younger generation of family as the caregivers of the old people. In most cultures, if people don''t have children, no one will take care of them when they''re old. So, here in the US, we no longer have to worry about having to have kids to take care of us in our old age - we just need to hope that other people will have enough kids to pay for our Social Security checks by the time we''re old enough to collect them

I totally think that not having kids is just as good and valid of a choice as having kids, but I think the reason that people don''t get asked why they''re deciding to have children is because it''s always been a basic primal instinct to have sex to procreate for survival of the species, in any species, not only humans (that''s why people get dressed up to "go to da club" - and they''ve proven that women subconsciously wear more makeup and dress more provocatively when they''re ovulating). These days, because of birth control, and because humans are smarter than other animals, people have the choice to interfere with what usually biologically happens after you have sex, and can postpone childbearing until the age that they want kids, or not at all - it''s actually pretty great, because with the birth control revolution of the last century, sex evolved from a reproductive act to a recreational and only sometimes reproductive act

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 12/4/2008 4:42:24 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 12/4/2008 4:02:30 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 12/4/2008 3:47:46 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 12/4/2008 2:56:11 PM
Author: trillionaire
Among other reasons, kids are expensive. I can''t imagine how expensive college would be in 20 yr. My parents paid 1-2K per year for private college, my school was 32K+ when I was there, now 50K. Seriously. I don''t believe in having kids unless you are going to be the best gotdang parent you can be, and honestly, I don''t feel like it. I don''t apply for jobs that I don''t want, and I shouldn''t raise kids I don''t want. I have no need to see what I can biologically produce. If I change my mind, I will adopt. But for now, no kids. I would rather spend my years with SO travelling, not being tied down and constrained, not having my life dictated by good school districts and restaurants with fish sticks.

If that''s what you want, fantastic. I love kids, want neices and nephews, I babysat for over a decade, and I also know I don''t want that full time job. I would love adult children, but I''m good on kids.

LOL...and good spaghetti and meatballs. Don''t forget that. Chicken fingers are also good.

And I loved the idea of adult children too, but was told the only way to get them was to give birth or adopt. So here I am.

or grilled cheese and PB&J!

and let''s not forget mac and cheese!

Mostly though, I wonder what is wrong with me for being missing the mommy gene. But maybe I am just strange in general. The idea of a wedding annoys me, and I think kids are impossibly cute, but I see them, and my brain filters them into ''this thing is crying. It has a need. Assess need. Meet need. Thing is content. Good Job. Repeat.''

What''s wrong with me? Lol!

SO doesn''t want kids either, and he''s a tad scared I will change my mind. And my parents are terrified that I WON''T!

Nothing''s wrong with you. I was even worse. Not only did I hate the idea of a wedding, I never really saw kids as cute. And when I see them and if they were crying, I''d shrug and think, good thing it''s not mine.

I still don''t have the mommy gene. I still find other people''s kids generally annoying, although having one of my own makes me more understanding.

TGal, I have to say that I love reading your posts about your daughter. I really identify with how you felt before having her and I hope someday, when I do have one of my own, to identify with how you feel now. And not that there''s anything wrong with loving kids and wanting to have them, but, personally, it''s great to hear from someone I can see eye-to-eye with.

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 12/4/2008 5:55:51 PM
Author: trillionaire
hehehe... I figure it will take the better part of 18 yrs to raise SO... The first 5 years have gone pretty well, I am so impressed by how much he has grown! Just the other day, he bought me flowers for no apparent reason.

Now I am trying to get him into some play dates, and trying to get him to play nicely with others

lol, I''m horrible.

Trillionaire, I joke about this all the time! People at work talk about their kids'' sports activities and I joke that I have my own little kid in sports, but he''s 6''3" and 24 years old. FI loves playing intramural sports and is really good at it, so there are many nights when the first thing he says to me is "We won our football game! It was so cool! I scored 3 touchdowns and got 2 interceptions!" LOL And he''s better than a kid because he can pay his own fees and drive himself to the games

 

[zhuzhu]

>..So, here in the US, we no longer have to worry about having to have kids to take care of us in our old age - we just need to hope that other people will have enough kids to pay for our Social Security checks by the time we''re old enough to collect them ...>

Actually even with social security, how well you do upon retirement depends largely on how wisely you save when you are still earning. To live on social security alone at the old age is actually a pretty scary thought! The cost of nursing home and medical expenses are quite unbelievable!

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 12/5/2008 2:24:57 PM
Author: zhuzhu
>..So, here in the US, we no longer have to worry about having to have kids to take care of us in our old age - we just need to hope that other people will have enough kids to pay for our Social Security checks by the time we''re old enough to collect them ...>

Actually even with social security, how well you do upon retirement depends largely on how wisely you save when you are still earning. To live on social security alone at the old age is actually a pretty scary thought! The cost of nursing home and medical expenses are quite unbelievable!

I totally agree that SS alone won''t pay for most people''s retirement, but a lot of people do rely on SS for at least a portion of their income. My parents are immigrants from Eastern Europe, and there''s a very different attitude as to what to do with aging parents. All of my grandparents lived with my parents or other children until they died, except for my grandmother, who is still living with my parents, who has Parkinson''s and Alzheimer''s and hasn''t been able to move or speak in several years. They have a nurse who cares for her all day, and then my parents take care of her at night when they''re home from work. She is on hospice care now, and probably won''t live much longer (she is almost 92) but she has been needing nursing home-type care for almost 10 years now. She speaks no English, so even when she was still able to speak, my parents didn''t want to put her in a nursing home because they knew that she would be ignored since she can''t communicate, and it''s just not done in our culture. So, we were raised with the idea that your parents would take care of you (they paid for all of us to have private college educations) but that we are expected to care for them once their old. Back in their country, all of the families live this way, so that if you don''t have children, you would hve to worry a lot about who would care for you in your elderly years.

But back to the original point about social security, if less people in our generation decide to have children, then we will never see the money that we paid from our paychecks for our benefits. It''s pretty unfair, but that''s the way our economy has been designed.

 

[Mediterranean]

Date: 12/5/2008 8:58:52 AM
Author: AllieLuv83
Everyone knows my feeling on JK+8 but that being said I feel like I was born to be a mother but then again I would never go up to someone and be like ''sooooooo when are you getting knocked up?'' I only ask those questions from girls that are as baby obsessed as me. Seriously I remember myself being like three and wheeling the babies around in their strollers in the park. I know it sounds weird and I have accomplished many things in life but I think my biggest accomplishment will be my children.

We''re definitely the "we want no-baby couple." I think that by this age (I''m 34, He''s 42) we would have felt the desire for a family, if it was ever going to be felt, you know? You know how you were the three-year old wheeling babies around in the park? I was the three year old who wrapped tin-foil around her head and pretended to be an astronaut

In short? Although I enjoy little kids (I''m especially biased towards my nephews) and I always love how my outlook changes for the positive when I''ve been hanging around with children, I have never felt a DRIVE or a PASSION to be a mother, myself. In my opinion, it''s very important to WANT that, deeply and with conviction. All of the moms I know are great moms because they always WANTED, to the depths of their souls, to be MOMS. Since I honestly can''t say as I have felt that, it''s best for me not to go there.

Motherhood is probably the most difficult, most important job in the world. You really have to be CALLED to do it, I think. You have to love the idea with all your heart, and I just never did.

 

[Burk]

Mediterranean~I absolutely agree with your viewpoints on choosing to become a mother. I have a few friends who really have had kids because they think it's the "socially acceptable" thing to do. I don't understand this. These women never truly felt like they wanted to be mothers but more like that's what you do when you get married, if that makes sense. These same couples don't put time and energy into figuring out how to be good parents (since it does not come naturally to them and they haven't been around a lot of other kids) and their kids suffer because of it.

 

[zhuzhu]

Date: 12/5/2008 3:50:05 PM
Author: Mediterranean

Date: 12/5/2008 8:58:52 AM


We''re definitely the ''we want no-baby couple.'' I think that by this age (I''m 34, He''s 42) we would have felt the desire for a family, if it was ever going to be felt, you know? You know how you were the three-year old wheeling babies around in the park? I was the three year old who wrapped tin-foil around her head and pretended to be an astronaut

In short? Although I enjoy little kids (I''m especially biased towards my nephews) and I always love how my outlook changes for the positive when I''ve been hanging around with children, I have never felt a DRIVE or a PASSION to be a mother, myself. In my opinion, it''s very important to WANT that, deeply and with conviction. All of the moms I know are great moms because they always WANTED, to the depths of their souls, to be MOMS. Since I honestly can''t say as I have felt that, it''s best for me not to go there.


Motherhood is probably the most difficult, most important job in the world. You really have to be CALLED to do it, I think. You have to love the idea with all your heart, and I just never did.

Ditto!
We have the exact same reason for not wanting to have kids of our own.
However in the remote chance if accident happens, I will give up a lot of things to become the best mother I can be.

 

[starsapphire]

I am 41 and just got married for the first time 2 years ago. I don''t have kids and never wanted them. Neither does my husband. I just never had the desire for one. I really don''t like kids much. I did not even date men with kids. I know that I am rather selfish, and I really can''t afford kids, I can''t stand kid''s shows either. Although, it pains me to see shows about hurting or neglected kids! Even if it is a fictional story. It seems sometimes like a lot of people having kids, should not be, and people who should be, aren''t.

I personally am waiting to be adopted by Angelina Jolie.

 

[zhuzhu]

Date: 12/5/2008 6:59:28 PM
Author: starsapphire
I really don''t like kids much. I did not even date men with kids. I know that I am rather selfish....

I don''t think you are selfish at all for not wanting kids.
In fact it shows that you are responsible and have the self-awareness of what is right for you!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I think I''d look at them very seriously and say:

"Well, we probably won''t have any because insanity runs in the family."

Then raise the eyebrows and grin.

 

[Elmorton]

We do want a child, but later. I realize that this may cause complications, and DH and I often talk about what life will be like if it''s just us. I think his response is beautiful: "I married you because you are all the love I need for my lifetime."

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 12/5/2008 3:50:05 PM
Author: Mediterranean



We''re definitely the ''we want no-baby couple.'' I think that by this age (I''m 34, He''s 42) we would have felt the desire for a family, if it was ever going to be felt, you know? You know how you were the three-year old wheeling babies around in the park? I was the three year old who wrapped tin-foil around her head and pretended to be an astronaut

In short? Although I enjoy little kids (I''m especially biased towards my nephews) and I always love how my outlook changes for the positive when I''ve been hanging around with children, I have never felt a DRIVE or a PASSION to be a mother, myself. In my opinion, it''s very important to WANT that, deeply and with conviction. All of the moms I know are great moms because they always WANTED, to the depths of their souls, to be MOMS. Since I honestly can''t say as I have felt that, it''s best for me not to go there.

Motherhood is probably the most difficult, most important job in the world. You really have to be CALLED to do it, I think. You have to love the idea with all your heart, and I just never did.

Not true in my case. Never had a passion for it, nor a drive, nor felt called.

But I knew if it happened, I would take it seriously and make it a priority in my life. But who knew when I did that I would feel all that love in my heart? Go figure.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 12/5/2008 9:25:05 PM
Author: Elmorton
We do want a child, but later. I realize that this may cause complications, and DH and I often talk about what life will be like if it''s just us. I think his response is beautiful: ''I married you because you are all the love I need for my lifetime.''

Okay, I totally just melted!

 

[Nocturnius]

Well, in fairness, our "but why" answer is pretty straightforward: We can''t.

Then the person asking "but why" immediately backpedals and feels terrible they brought it up.

But even if we could have them, I''m going to be frank: we wouldn''t.

I''m sorry, but the world just isn''t the same now. It isn''t like when we were kids, or when our parents were kids. Your child can be snapped up out of your front yard in the two seconds you turn your head away to turn off the garden hose. A dad and his son were just shot and killed by some RANDOM STRANGER when they were out trick or treating, for absolutely no reason. One in every three teenagers has an STD. Your child can get expelled from school for wearing certain colors.

This world is just too scary to bring a child into it.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 12/7/2008 1:44:33 PM
Author: Nocturnius
Well, in fairness, our ''but why'' answer is pretty straightforward: We can''t.

Then the person asking ''but why'' immediately backpedals and feels terrible they brought it up.

But even if we could have them, I''m going to be frank: we wouldn''t.

I''m sorry, but the world just isn''t the same now. It isn''t like when we were kids, or when our parents were kids. Your child can be snapped up out of your front yard in the two seconds you turn your head away to turn off the garden hose. A dad and his son were just shot and killed by some RANDOM STRANGER when they were out trick or treating, for absolutely no reason. One in every three teenagers has an STD. Your child can get expelled from school for wearing certain colors.

This world is just too scary to bring a child into it.

Yes, the world gets scarier and scarier. Our parents time was scarier than their parents. I don''t think that''s a good enough reason not to bring a child in this world, although I respect those who feel that way.

My cousin, who is not married and has no kids said something that I thought was pretty profound. She said, to bring children into this world means you have hope in humankind. And you know what? I do. I do have hope for our fellow man and also hope my child will bring more good into this world instead of pain and suffering.

 

[snowflakeluvr]

funny, we''ve had the opposite issue...we have five children and when the two littlest were babies(not long ago), people were always saying "do you know what causes that?" and i''d say, "yes, my husband is irresistible!" they''d laugh and it''d shut them up but they acted like we were these horny toads...
it''s your life, your uterus, your decision-i shake my head at the things people say and do

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 12/7/2008 9:35:28 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 12/7/2008 1:44:33 PM
Author: Nocturnius
Well, in fairness, our ''but why'' answer is pretty straightforward: We can''t.

Then the person asking ''but why'' immediately backpedals and feels terrible they brought it up.

But even if we could have them, I''m going to be frank: we wouldn''t.

I''m sorry, but the world just isn''t the same now. It isn''t like when we were kids, or when our parents were kids. Your child can be snapped up out of your front yard in the two seconds you turn your head away to turn off the garden hose. A dad and his son were just shot and killed by some RANDOM STRANGER when they were out trick or treating, for absolutely no reason. One in every three teenagers has an STD. Your child can get expelled from school for wearing certain colors.

This world is just too scary to bring a child into it.

Yes, the world gets scarier and scarier. Our parents time was scarier than their parents. I don''t think that''s a good enough reason not to bring a child in this world, although I respect those who feel that way.

My cousin, who is not married and has no kids said something that I thought was pretty profound. She said, to bring children into this world means you have hope in humankind. And you know what? I do. I do have hope for our fellow man and also hope my child will bring more good into this world instead of pain and suffering.

I too have hope for the future. I also believe that the world is scary, and difficult to navigate. It will get better in many respects, and worse in others. But I am not staking my kids on it. I don''t think that the scary world is sufficient reason not to have kids, nor is hope a good reason to have kids. You should have kids because you want them, and because you are going to do your humanly best to raise them well. Either way, there are kids here already that need parents. I encourage any and everyone to consider adoption. If I decide that I want kids, that is absolutely the only way I would have them. They are already in the ''scary world'', and they need the help to navigate it.

 

[frillylace]

Nocturnius, if it isn''t too personal, can I ask why you can''t have children? We also can''t. But I don''t think I would want kids if we could. I just don''t like babies and I am too busy to care for a child.

 

[Nocturnius]

Yes, the world gets scarier and scarier. Our parents time was scarier than their parents. I don''t think that''s a good enough reason not to bring a child in this world, although I respect those who feel that way.


If the reason is what works for them, then it is a good enough reason. Casting judgment like that is not respecting the people who feel that way, either.

frillylace, no, it isn''t too personal. I had a malignant intestinal tumor as a child. One of the side effects of the chemotherapy was sterility. They did take some of my eggs and freeze them, in the event that I chose to attempt to have a child I had the option (none of my organs were removed; I still have periods and could still carry a child.) But there is never a guarantee with this option. Given the circumstances, if my husband and I ever decided we wanted a child, we would probably adopt instead of spending money on pricey procedures that may or may not work.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 12/8/2008 8:00:03 PM
Author: Nocturnius


Yes, the world gets scarier and scarier. Our parents time was scarier than their parents. I don't think that's a good enough reason not to bring a child in this world, although I respect those who feel that way.


If the reason is what works for them, then it is a good enough reason. Casting judgment like that is not respecting the people who feel that way, either.

frillylace, no, it isn't too personal. I had a malignant intestinal tumor as a child. One of the side effects of the chemotherapy was sterility. They did take some of my eggs and freeze them, in the event that I chose to attempt to have a child I had the option (none of my organs were removed; I still have periods and could still carry a child.) But there is never a guarantee with this option. Given the circumstances, if my husband and I ever decided we wanted a child, we would probably adopt instead of spending money on pricey procedures that may or may not work.

Really? And saying the "This world is just too scary to bring a child into it." isnt' casting judgment on those who choose to?

Yes, if that works for them, then it IS a good enough reason. I said *I* don't think that is a good enough reason not to bring a child in this world because I *do* think the world is a scary place. I said I respect those who DO feel that way, although I do not.

I apologize if I was not clear in my post.

ETA, also sorry to hear about your health issues as a child and hope you are otherwise healthy and happy!

 

[MoonWater]

Date: 12/7/2008 9:35:28 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 12/7/2008 1:44:33 PM

Author: Nocturnius

Well, in fairness, our ''but why'' answer is pretty straightforward: We can''t.


Then the person asking ''but why'' immediately backpedals and feels terrible they brought it up.


But even if we could have them, I''m going to be frank: we wouldn''t.


I''m sorry, but the world just isn''t the same now. It isn''t like when we were kids, or when our parents were kids. Your child can be snapped up out of your front yard in the two seconds you turn your head away to turn off the garden hose. A dad and his son were just shot and killed by some RANDOM STRANGER when they were out trick or treating, for absolutely no reason. One in every three teenagers has an STD. Your child can get expelled from school for wearing certain colors.


This world is just too scary to bring a child into it.

Yes, the world gets scarier and scarier. Our parents time was scarier than their parents. I don''t think that''s a good enough reason not to bring a child in this world, although I respect those who feel that way.


My cousin, who is not married and has no kids said something that I thought was pretty profound. She said, to bring children into this world means you have hope in humankind. And you know what? I do. I do have hope for our fellow man and also hope my child will bring more good into this world instead of pain and suffering.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 12/7/2008 9:35:28 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 12/7/2008 1:44:33 PM

Author: Nocturnius

Well, in fairness, our ''but why'' answer is pretty straightforward: We can''t.


Then the person asking ''but why'' immediately backpedals and feels terrible they brought it up.


But even if we could have them, I''m going to be frank: we wouldn''t.


I''m sorry, but the world just isn''t the same now. It isn''t like when we were kids, or when our parents were kids. Your child can be snapped up out of your front yard in the two seconds you turn your head away to turn off the garden hose. A dad and his son were just shot and killed by some RANDOM STRANGER when they were out trick or treating, for absolutely no reason. One in every three teenagers has an STD. Your child can get expelled from school for wearing certain colors.


This world is just too scary to bring a child into it.

Yes, the world gets scarier and scarier. Our parents time was scarier than their parents. I don''t think that''s a good enough reason not to bring a child in this world, although I respect those who feel that way.


My cousin, who is not married and has no kids said something that I thought was pretty profound. She said, to bring children into this world means you have hope in humankind. And you know what? I do. I do have hope for our fellow man and also hope my child will bring more good into this world instead of pain and suffering.

Well said TGal.

 

[frillylace]

Nocturnius, I think adopting is such a great thing to do. I even know a couple who can have kids of their own but are choosing to adopt and not have any biological children. She is getting her tubes tied and all. These kids need loving families too.

So, I should say we have a similar problem but it is my husband who is sterile (or very close to). The doctors said it would be unlikely we could have kids if we tried.


TravelingGal, I love what your cousin said! Totally! Although I'd still be worried that my child (or rather adopted child) would be hurt by the world and I would have to watch and worry. I already worry about my siblings and parents. I would go crazy worrying about a child.

 

[piccolascimmia]

When I''m trying to be polite, my answer when people ask is something like "oh, I have dogs, they''re great". When I''m not being so polite, I reply "When did that become a polite question?" Most people have good intentions when they ask, but jeez...what a can of worms they could be opening up. I think I''m going to try the just asking them "when are YOU going to have children" to see how that goes over to those clueless askers...

And for me, no medical reasons...I just don''t have any affinity for children. I''m not comfortable around them, have no desire to raise one. And now that I''m older...I like my lifestyle and would just rather continue along as I am with my husband, rather than to start a family and all those associated changes. I always faux-bravely said I''d never, and gosh...turns out I might have been right. Too many friends end up trying to convince me that "oh, you''ll change your mind, just you wait and see". Well, 20+ years into my fertile phase, and...NOPE...still not interested