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Arghh.. wed before living together?

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yourdelight

Rough_Rock
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Oct 9, 2008
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Hi all :)

Just wondering... have many other people on here have made the decision to get married before moving in together?

My partner & I decided to wait until we get married (which we said would be November 2009... but I am not sure how happy he is with that date) before we move in together. We were buying a house this year but it fell through in August, it was a big disapointment and the current economic climate is not right for purchasing a house (we do not want to rent)... so we decided to hold off.

So, after the upset with the house, we talked about having a big fancy wedding then living together- doing things the old fashioned way.

Is anyone else doing things this way?

I think it makes waiting for the proposal so much harder because I am dying to start my life with him as I love him soooo much.

I'm just SO impatient especially as I am pretty certain he has my ring already!!
 
I think that you should do whatever makes the best sense for you and your future fiance! And it sounds like you are both on the right track for you!

The impatient feeling won''t go away until he proposes but take some time to just enjoy the feeling of being boyfriend and girlfriend. The "single" life chapter is about to end before the exciting life of marriage so take it all in!
 
Hi Yourdelight!

I just want you to know you are not alone. My BF and I are not living together either. He is very old fashioned...even though I am here every night and stay on weekends (he owns his own place already)...he wants to wait until we are married before I officially move in. Even though we have been dating for only a year, things have progressed quickly that by the time we do get married (we are planning November 2009 too) that it won''t be THAT long of a wait . And I don''t mind. Before we know it, we will be "together forever" - and I do agree with him that it will be more special...not that we disapprove of people who do (many of our friends and family lived with their SO''s before marriage). But that is just how we are planning on doing things.

But YES, I know what you mean. I just want to "start our life" together too... For those girls who are already living with their BF''s at least get to live with them - we have to wait for both the rign AND living together!!! I must admit I get really antsy waiting....but I just keep reminding myself that things are great now - so no point dwelling on things we have no control over...just enjoy your time now. And as my married friends always say - the time before the proposal and during the planning of the wedding/engagement period is the BEST time they ever had...so just enjoy it! We only get to feel this once!

But hang in there...I am in the same position as you! We''ll take solace in each other!
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Hi there! Just wanted to weigh in. For myself personally, I think it is better to live together first because some people really do change a lot once you live with them. (Or your view of them might change) However, you should do whatever feels right to you. If you both feel it''s best to wait until you are married, then that is the right decision for you! Best wishes to you and your future hubby!
 
I''m not a LIW any more...but DH and I moved in together after our wedding. Most couples where I come from do it that way. It might make you more impatient to get married but once you make that step, the ''moving in together'' part is the icing on the cake. I think a lot of couples who live together before getting married often don''t tend to feel all that different after the wedding (of course, not all couples) - saving that part till after the wedding brings a nice bit of post-wedding excitement. Plus, I think ''combining households'' after marriage is a nice symbol of ''two becoming one''.
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I think it''s great.
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I also don''t plan to live together before marriage for many reasons. Getting a place as man and wife will be extremely exciting for you. Though you''re right, it is hard. I would love to move in with my SO right now, but I''m sticking to my guns. Waiting is hard, but it''s worth it!
 
Hi yourdelight!

My boyfriend and I have also made the decision to wait until we are married to move in together. I have always felt that I wanted to wait until we were married to move in together, and my boyfriend feels the same way. We''re most likely going to get engaged in early 2009 and will get married in late 2010 -- I have a long way to go!
 
Hi yourdelight, welcome!

My hubby and I waited to move in together until just before we were married. I wanted to wait until we were married, but what happened instead was this:
Closed on our new home and moved in together: June 1st
I chaperoned a trip to Greece with 40 students: June 5th - 17th
We were married: July 4th

SO, we really only lived together for a few weeks before we were married, and it ended up happening that way because of the timing with closing on our house, my trip to Greece, our wedding, and the fact that we needed to get our prior places ready for our renters by a certain date.

We started dating in June 2004 and didn''t marry until July 2008, so I can totally relate to your impatience. We were staying together one to three nights a week anyway by the time we moved in together, but living together is a completely different thing.

I''m the old fashioned one, I didn''t want to live together before marriage, and I''m really glad that we waited. My reason for waiting was really that I just plain didn''t want to live with any man EVER unless he was my husband. It was just the right choice for me, and I''m glad I did it. (And it''s not like were very young, either--I''m 28 and he''s 38 now.)

I guess my point is that you need to do what feels right to you. I would never rush things just to get to the next step because then you''re spoiling your chance to savor that transition. I loved dating my husband, and then being engaged to him, and now being married to him, and there really is a lot of fun to be had at each stage. There was also something really exciting about FINALLY living together and being officially married.

Good luck to you!
 
My SO and I are waiting until we marry to move in together. He just purchased a house in May but he invited my input on the house search and all. We decided when we started dating that we''d wait until marriage and we''ve seen no reason to change our minds about it since.

This works out for us too financially in that he knows he can make the payments by himself in case we have kids some day and I have to leave my job. I would like to stay home if we have kids. But that''s awhile in the future. First things first, gotta have an e-ring. :)
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We moved in a year before getting married and it was the right decision for us.

But I think every couple needs to do what is right for them, and if you feel strongly about waiting until you are married then that is what you should do!
 
I lived with an ex. If I hadn't lived with him before getting married, I'd probably be a) in an unhappy marriage or b) divorced by now.

Because of that experience, I said I wouldn't live with another boyfriend until I was at least engaged. Then I met FF, and it was all over. He asked me if I needed to hold onto that standard still, and I told him no. We knew from very early on that we would get married, and some things happened that made moving in together negate some hardships for him.

Met in May 2006, moved in January 2007, went ring shopping for the first time in Feb 2007, bought the stone August/September 2008, he'll probably propose Spring 2009.

Everyone has to do what's right for them. I know we did.
 
Hi - me again - I know I already posted, but just wanted to add some more thoughts:

I can understand how some people think living together first in case people change a lot when you live with them, but I find that typically happens more often when both people are really young. I think if you''re older, there might be less chance of both parties changing so much I''m 28 and my BF is 32...so I don''t think there is going to much changing involved. And at this stage, it''s more like "what you see is what you get!" from both sides.
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)

I also just wanted to point out this interesting observation made to me by my BFF and my old roommate, both of whom lived with their now husbands while they were only dating.

Story #1: My BFF has dated her husband since high school - and they moved in together right after graduating university. After 10 years of dating, 5 of which involved living together, they finally got married
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and she said that she is a tad bit jealous of my situation: she said that nothing really changed after they got married. NOt that anything was bad...she just said she expected things to be "different" as a husband and wife. But it wasn''t. she said there wasn''t much excitement afterwards...so she said that she is excited for me because I will have something "NEW" to look forward to once I move in after marriage.

Story #2: my old roommate from school said that things were really great with her and her now husband/then-boyfriend...met in university - lived together for 3 years before getting married. They were your typical relationship - some "flare ups" and occasional arguments - but after they got married, she said the 1st year of their life was very tough. She doesn''t understand how the dynamic changed so much. They fought all the time! things are fine now....

...so it just goes to show that living together doesn''t necessarily guarantee a smooth transition into marriage life.

So I think every couple is unique - and not every scenario will turn out the same for everybody.

As I said before - you just need to do what you both feel is right...and don''t sweat the small stuff! In the end, you know you are going to marry him - so just focus on that.
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I will not live with SO until we are engaged or married. I would prefer ro wait until we get married, but a short engagement before eloping would be okay with me too!
 
FI and I won''t live together until we are married or right before. His sister was living with him and she JUST moved out, so right now I am SO IMPATIENT to move in because I am decorating his house to be ''ours''. It took a lot to not be super impatient before, but now that he is actually living by himself and it''s close to 8 months until the wedding, I am very impatient, BUT I am old-fashioned and so is my dad and his step-dad. I would like to move in about a month before we get married to just get my stuff there so that when we do get married, we can go home to ''our'' house and I won''t be stressed out moving in.

Like I Heart Cushions said, it''s different for everyone, living together or not does not guarantee anything. Do what''s best for you.
 
we are waiting until were are engaged to live together. that''s mainly my decision and what i''ve told him from the beginning.

it''s been tough lately cause he just bought a house in july.. and I moved back in with my parents about a year ago (oh my god it''s been a year! i didn''t expect to stay so long!!)
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. he has no problem with living together, and he WANTS me to move in.. and i have to admit it''s tempting - But I''m standing firm on waiting for an engagement cause it''s what feels right to me in the end. i know i''d regret it if i moved in.

so, like what everyone else says - you gotta do what feels right for you!!
 
I think it totally depends on the couple, I wish I would have waited sometimes, then sometimes I am glad I live with him.

We moved in together after going out for 2 months, but we both have lived with exs so we kinda knew what we were doing, plus I was in a difficult living situation and things just kinda worked out like that.
I''m not saying that what we did was what every couple should do, totally depends on the couple and the situation, but sometimes I wish I waited.
 
@ Cricket, I agree that it totally depends on the couple.... We have kid(s) together and they aren''t getting any younger,lol! Needless to say, neither are we, and we already knew it would happen, there were just a few apprehensions along the way. Once we moved into one house, we saw that the "fears" were more imaginary than reality, and knew that what we had talked about doing all along, needed to be done. In our case, it was more a matter of, "Well sheeesh! Now that I witness everyday what I would otherwise be missing out on, how can I NOT take that next step?" It took us a while to arrive at that conclusion, I agree: it''s not always easy adjusting to another person to be mindful of 24/7. I mean, kids, yeah, we have no choice BUT to accept them once they get here; but to make a conscious choice to take on another person (who won''t always be satisfied with a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner whereas you and maybe you would..... Well that''s just a whole nudder post, lol....)

So what I was trynna say before my tongue ran away without my brain was....
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You really have to choose your battles and assess wether or not it will be the best possible outcome for YOUR (you & ffi''s) needs. In our case, our children played an equivocal part in what our needs were. WE needed our kids to see us together. They were getting older and were wondering why, if we were so "lovey-dovey" as they called us, weren''t living like a "regla" family? We knew it was gonna happen anyway, so why were we penalizing the kids anyway???

Sorry to threadjack... But I hope that my sharing helps put things into some sort of perspective...

HTH!
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~SL.
 
We decided to live together after we got engaged. I had been living with friends thirty minutes away from him, and with his demanding job, we felt we really wanted to be in the same city, and I was pretty adamant that I was not going to live alone or with a random roommate. We were spending almost every night together, and my practical side said we shouldn''t be maintaining two households. I felt more secure making this decision once we were engaged; it seemed to me like more of a "transitional" thing, and that we were already committed to be married.

We spent a lot of time weighing the costs and benefits, and moving in together made the most sense for us, despite our traditional Catholic upbringings and somewhat horrified families (we hadn''t made our sleepovers public knowledge). It''s been two months, and we have just under eight months to go ''til the wedding--so far, so good. We are really enjoying living together, the dust has settled with our families, and I''m happy we''re both able to get a little more rest and relaxation time now that we don''t have two houses in two different cities. I think it was the right choice for us. We''re living in an apartment at the moment, and we''re planning to look for a small house or condo that will become our "married home" in the spring, aiming to move there after our wedding.

My good friend, who''s getting married a few weeks after me, has chosen to wait until she''s married to move in with her fiance. It''s working just fine for them; they do spend the night together every night, but they''re looking forward to officially moving in together once they''re married. My friend wanted to have her own space for another year, and she didn''t want to deal with dissent from her family about living together before marriage. She definitely thinks that not living together was the right choice for her and her fiance.

As posters above have said, it''s about what''s right for you. There are people who are happy they lived together before marriage, and people who are happy they didn''t. I encourage you to talk extensively with your SO about the subject, and to make a decision after weighing the things that are most important to both of you. You certainly do not have to live together beforehand to have a happy marriage.
 
Like many of the other ladies, my BF and I will be getting married before living together. I'm in university but own my own condo which I bought with "us" in mind
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However, I'm renting it out right now and am living at home until closer to the end of my schooling, so it will be another year and a half of living with my parents. While I hate still living at home at 27 and I miss my BF terribly when I can't see him every day, I'm traditional and feel more comfortable doing things "the old fashioned way." I have lived with an ex and for me I feel as if he got something for free without really having to commit. (But he was a creep so that experience isn't really a great one to draw from, hehe.) However, while I want to wait until marriage, my BF really wants to live with me before that, but I've told him from the beginning how I felt and where I stood on the issue and he respects that. Plus, as we won't be having children, I feel as if moving in together will be the last big milestone that we'll have and so I would like to look forward to it after the wedding rather than before. But I do feel the same impatience for him to propose, which won't be until 2 years from now. It drives me crazy if I think about it, so I try to distract myself with looking at wedding ideas
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But I can definitely see the pros and cons of both sides of the question, and I think it's something that a couple has a be comfortable with either way.
 
my bf and i won''t be living together until we''re married. i come from a super conservative Korean home and living together before marriage is absolutely out of the question. i guess in that sense, i''ve never really had a choice in the matter, but when i think about it, i never expected to live with my bf before marriage...that''s something i wanted to leave for when we''re married.
 
Just a quick comment: I really find it interesting and sometimes a bit scary when people expect/hope for things to change after they get married. I personally think that marriage per se really should NOT change anything beyond legal implications. If you think about it, it really is a public/religious commitment, not more, not less. Would I want to "discover" new, maybe negative sides to my partner after getting married to him/her? Not really. Granted, people change over time anyways, so you never have full control and will always have to adapt and be flexible. I personally do not "save" anything for marriage - not that I don''t cherish the idea of getting married any less. But I am enjoying my life to the fullest in my relationship RIGHT NOW. And I am NOT "waiting to start my life" with the person I love - "marriage" is not delaying or taking my happiness hostage. To each his/her own of course ... just my 2 cents.
Cheers,
Rob
 
I''ve never had really strong feelings either way, but was leaning toward formally moving in together after marriage. However, when I went to law school, that changed. I was already spending most of my time at his apartment because it''s much more convenient to school and halved my transportation time and costs. I just couldn''t justify taking out more loan money than necessary -- and starting our marriage with more debt than necessary -- to keep an apartment that more or less became an expensive storage unit, so I didn''t renew my lease this past summer and moved in with FI. If we hadn''t gotten engaged last year, I think I probably would have kept my apartment, though, finances notwithstanding. I''m still a teeny bit sad about not having the post-marriage transition, but since I was already spending so much time at his place, the experience of "moving in together" was really just the hassle of lugging all my stuff there and making it all fit -- so it wasn''t very romantic anyway.

So, I guess my perspective is that it''s good to know what you want and whether you''re willing to be flexible when things change -- and then to make decisions according to what works best for you.

Here''s hoping you get a proposal soon, yourdelight!
 
Love your post, Rob. I totally agree.
 
I think it''s fantastic to wait until you''re married to move in together. That''s what we''re planning to do.
There''s something so sweet and romantic about being able to say that your husband is the first and only man you''ve ever lived with.
I personally refused to move in with him until we were married.... and may I add... I think that sped up the whole process a bit.
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(Also my parents would have DIED if I lived with him before we were married)
 
I have a few comments on this topic. First, our timeline is similar to Frekechild''s, BF and I met in June 07, he moved into my apt. in Dec. 07 and we''ve been living together since. For me, I knew I wanted to live with him before we got engaged to work out any kinks, make sure it was the right step for us and double and triple check that we were compatible as cohabitants. He felt the same way as he had previously lived with someone and it went very wrong. Luckily it has been wonderful.

I adore living with him, I love coming home and being able to spend my evenings with my best friend, it has been a fabulous experience. We have been very open with regards to when we want to be engaged/marry. I made it clear that I didn''t want to become complacent with just living together and that within a couple of years wanted to move to the next step. He agrees.

I also agree with Rob09. IMO, I want to know what I''m getting into when I marry my BF. I am enjoying my life with my BF to the fullest now, marriage will enhance that I''m sure, but I will also marry him knowing his bad habits, what irks him about me and how we handle typical household chores, finances and bickering together. I am hopeful that we have alleviated some of the stresses people face in their first year of marriage.

I agree that to each their own. For us this was the right choice, for others it may not be.
 
Hi There

It seems like we are all on the same page here - do what works for the two of you.

There are pros and cons for each. Living with eachother before marriage is not a guarentee that things will last, just like getting married in and of itself has guarentees either. What will be will be, and if you got what it takes to be a lasting couple, you will be good either way!

I DO think it sounds really romantic
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to wait and I think it will be a very special time for you both!

I lived with an ex for a few years and I thought I would marry him. (right age, together for a liong time etc.) That breakup was so painful I think I literlaly cried for 3 days straight. I was DEVASTATED because I was completely blindsided and I really trusted him.

And I said to myself - NEVER AGAIN.

6 mo''s later I met current SO and ther rest is history.

We bought a house toghether 5 years ago (WOW time flies...) and we had already been dating for 2.5 years. My exiting time was when we first started living together - yes it is WAY different than sleepovers. So much fun!! It feels like playing house for about 6 months.

Enjoy and I hope your wait is not too long!
 
Date: 10/29/2008 11:33:19 AM
Author: lovelee
I think it''s fantastic to wait until you''re married to move in together. That''s what we''re planning to do.
There''s something so sweet and romantic about being able to say that your husband is the first and only man you''ve ever lived with.
I personally refused to move in with him until we were married.... and may I add... I think that sped up the whole process a bit.
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(Also my parents would have DIED if I lived with him before we were married)
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hahaha!! The same friends who lived with their husbands before marriage said the exact same thing to me!

They maintain that their hubbies probably would''ve popped the question sooner if they weren''t living together already...which just makes sense. They were saying that financially, they just couldn''t afford to spend all that money on a ring when they had home renovations to pay for, vacations they went on, etc etc....it was never a priority to them because, well, they acted like married couples already!

And yes, I agree with Rob09. Whether you decide to move in with your SO before or after the wedding, you should never expect that married life will be different.

I am not strongly opposed to living together beforehand. It would be so much easier for me to just move in (half of my belongings are there already)....I think if my BF didn''t have such strong values, I would move in, but I can''t change him or his beliefs, so I''ll just continue living where I do until then....But i digress...I guess all I want to say to Yourdelight''s original inquiry to waiting after marriage to live together this: YES - it can be hard waiting for that time to come! And don''t worry - you are not alone!
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Well, dangit, I just wrote out something really thoughtful, and stupid computer ate it.

Basically, I agree with Rob. I am not holding back from my relationship because we are not married. We plan on moving in together permanently sometime in the next year or two, and then getting engaged sometime after that. The idea of being legally married is exciting and wonderful, but not something that will change who we are at our core as a couple. My life will not begin the day I marry my BF, it will just continue in a new and exciting way. He is the partner I choose to go through life with, and I am excited about every step I take with him, before and after marriage.

That said, I think it''s wonderful that you''re clear on what the best path for you is. We all have to follow what is right for us, and it''s great that you know what you want to do.
 
I totally agree Rob. I was going to add to my post that I look forward to nothing changing when we get married. It'll just be another day-an extra special day for sure, but the only things that will change will be some new jewelry for both of us (which is actually a huge deal for FF) and that we'd have to get lawyers involved if we couldn't stand each other anymore.

Why would I want to change something that's wonderful and ideal already?

ETA:
And IrishEyes:
I also agree with Rob09. IMO, I want to know what I'm getting into when I marry my BF. I am enjoying my life with my BF to the fullest now, marriage will enhance that I'm sure, but I will also marry him knowing his bad habits, what irks him about me and how we handle typical household chores, finances and bickering together. I am hopeful that we have alleviated some of the stresses people face in their first year of marriage.
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Totally agree. I'm just of the opinion that romance and reality don't always go hand in hand.

I have to admit, I'm surprised this thread hasn't gone south already.
 
Date: 10/29/2008 2:04:38 PM
Author: FrekeChild
I totally agree Rob. I was going to add to my post that I look forward to nothing changing when we get married. It''ll just be another day-an extra special day for sure, but the only things that will change will be some new jewelry for both of us (which is actually a huge deal for FF) and that we''d have to get lawyers involved if we couldn''t stand each other anymore.

Why would I want to change something that''s wonderful and ideal already?
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Haha, Freke, I love what you said above. BF and I talk about how one of the reasons we''re not married right now is because it''s nice to know there won''t be legal fees if one of us feels like walking away.
 
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