Arghh.. wed before living together?

[megster84]

I can only speak from my experience but I am glad that my SO and I are living together before we get engaged/married. We have learned a lot from one another just by moving in together (I am not saying this is the only way to though!) I agree that the whole idea of moving in was a big deal, but not a game changer we felt we needed to save until the big day. We went through some ups and downs when we first moved in 2 years ago and I am glad that we have that out of the way and have adjusted great to living together and all the lovely little things that go along with it...and the not so lovely (like him squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube, not the bottom...its silly but it drives me bonkers!) Anyway, I think it is interesting to see what is important to different people to remind us that there is no ''right way'' just the right way for you...

 

[fieryred33143]

Personally, I don't agree with "testing the waters" before getting married. To me that says you're good enough to live with me right now but not sure if you're good enough to sign a marriage license just yet.

That said, my FI felt differently

. We spent the first 4 years sort of long distance and he wanted to live in the same city for a few years before talking about marriage. I knew that I wasn't ready for marriage at all because at the time I was 24 and for me that's way too young to get married so it worked out. We happened to find a condo that we both could see ourselves living in and that was the next step for us. The word "marriage" didn't come into our relationship until November of last year which was after 5.5 years of dating. Turns out, I find later, that he would not have married anyone without living with them first. Which is ok because it worked out for the best for both of us.

I think you do what's good for you and yours. Had we been in different situations, things would be much different. For example, if my mother lived in the same city I would not have moved from my mother's house until getting married. But instead I moved out at 18.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I have to say that living together is the last thing that convinced FI he was ready to ask me. He said he wasn''t sure he could marry me if we couldn''t live together and it turned out we could live together just fine. But to each his own

 

[BlueSki231]

OO i just remembered and thought i should share -

i took a sociology class back in college and remember the teacher mentioning that statistically couples that live together before marriage have a higher divorce rate.

now this is a correlation only - and could be due to many different factors. it's an interesting thing to think about though... I'm sure there's been studies done on this but I don't really feel like doing the research right now hehe.

fieryred33143's comment "Personally, I don't agree with "testing the waters" before getting married. To me that says you're good enough to live with me right now but not sure if you're good enough to sign a marriage license just yet." made me think of it for some reason..

ETA: i don't mean to sound pessimistic as though i don't think living together before marriage is a good idea just because of what some study found. I see absolutely nothing wrong with it.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I''ve heard that too but almost all the couples I know (including Fi''s parents and my own) lived together first and are happily married. Personally I don''t think that has anything to do with divorce, it has more to do with not being able to work on the relationship and personal issues. imho

 

[ringless]

I''ve done both. We lived together in the beginning of our relationship for financial reasons, we both weren''t ready emotionally and decided a couple years later we should wiat until we at least get engaged. We have been together 7 years and a month (who''s counting? ) and it feels good to wait until were at that special place and completely ready for it... it will make it so special!

 

[princesss]

Date: 10/29/2008 3:45:45 PM
Author: Namaste
OO i just remembered and thought i should share -

i took a sociology class back in college and remember the teacher mentioning that statistically couples that live together before marriage have a higher divorce rate.

now this is a correlation only - and could be due to many different factors. it's an interesting thing to think about though... I'm sure there's been studies done on this but I don't really feel like doing the research right now hehe.

fieryred33143's comment 'Personally, I don't agree with 'testing the waters' before getting married. To me that says you're good enough to live with me right now but not sure if you're good enough to sign a marriage license just yet.' made me think of it for some reason..

ETA: i don't mean to sound pessimistic as though i don't think living together before marriage is a good idea just because of what some study found. I see absolutely nothing wrong with it.

Freke actually posted a study a while back about the level of satisfaction in a marriage, and one of the findings was that after 10 years, couples that cohabited as a step in their relationship (ie date, cohabit, get engaged, get married), rather than for convenience or to "test the waters" (ie they went in with doubts) reported higher levels of satisfaction in their relationship than couples who did not live together prior to marriage.

Also, it identified a potential unmentioned variable in many studies, which is that often couples that do not cohabit do so from religious conviction, and in many cases where that is true, similar religious belief prohibits or discourages divorce. So if you've got somebody who is deeply religious and feels that living together before marriage is wrong and also believes that divorce is wrong, they may stay in an unhappy marriage due to religious conviction and not satisfaction in the relationship.

 

[FrekeChild]

"In a comprehensive review of cohabitation, David Popenoe and Barbara Whitehead reported that more than half of couples marrying today have already lived together--a trend they foresee as continuing. Cohabiting relationships are, however, short lived for many couples. An estimated 40% do not result in marriage....Couples maintain that cohabitating enables them to share expenses and learn more about each other. If a couple chooses to cohabit, there are things a couple might consider.

Nonetheless, Popenoe and Whitehead concluded from their review of many studies that cohabitation is detrimental to marriage and increases the probability of divorce. According to these researchers, living together increases the risk of domestic violence for women and the risk of physical and sexual abuse for children...

In response to these findings, Larry Bumpass, a leading sociologist, feels that there are multiple causes of marital causes of marital problems and divorce in our society. Bumpass states: "It is inappropriate and simplistic to treat cohabitation as the major factor affecting divorce. The trend in divorce stretches back over the last hundred years, so clearly it wasn't caused by cohabitation". In fact, he maintains, cohabitation could have lowered the divorce rate by discouraging some couples from marrying who might eventually have divorced."

From "Marriages & Families: Intimacy, Diversity and Strengths" by David H. Olson, John DeFrain and Linda Skogrand (My Psychology of Family textbook)

One of the reasons social scientists speculate that the rate of divorce is higher for people who cohabit before marriage is because people who don't live together before marriage are more religious, and less likely to divorce in the first place because of religious beliefs.

ETA: Lol at princesss's post. Nice.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 10/29/2008 5:06:53 PM
Author: FrekeChild


One of the reasons social scientists speculate that the rate of divorce is higher for people who cohabit before marriage is because people who don''t live together before marriage are more religious, and less likely to divorce in the first place because of religious beliefs.

ETA: Lol at princesss''s post. Nice.

Such a good point. Never, ever thought about that.

I still stand by my theory that people who live together before marriage with the mutual intention of one day getting married, have the same exact chance of making it/divorcing than a couple that decides to wait.

 

[fuzzers]

Date: 10/29/2008 5:06:53 PM
Author: FrekeChild
''In a comprehensive review of cohabitation, David Popenoe and Barbara Whitehead reported that more than half of couples marrying today have already lived together--a trend they foresee as continuing. Cohabiting relationships are, however, short lived for many couples. An estimated 40% do not result in marriage....Couples maintain that cohabitating enables them to share expenses and learn more about each other. If a couple chooses to cohabit, there are things a couple might consider.

Nonetheless, Popenoe and Whitehead concluded from their review of many studies that cohabitation is detrimental to marriage and increases the probability of divorce. According to these researchers, living together increases the risk of domestic violence for women and the risk of physical and sexual abuse for children...

In response to these findings, Larry Bumpass, a leading sociologist, feels that there are multiple causes of marital causes of marital problems and divorce in our society. Bumpass states: ''It is inappropriate and simplistic to treat cohabitation as the major factor affecting divorce. The trend in divorce stretches back over the last hundred years, so clearly it wasn''t caused by cohabitation''. In fact, he maintains, cohabitation could have lowered the divorce rate by discouraging some couples from marrying who might eventually have divorced.''

From ''Marriages & Families: Intimacy, Diversity and Strengths'' by David H. Olson, John DeFrain and Linda Skogrand (My Psychology of Family textbook)

One of the reasons social scientists speculate that the rate of divorce is higher for people who cohabit before marriage is because people who don''t live together before marriage are more religious, and less likely to divorce in the first place because of religious beliefs.

ETA: Lol at princesss''s post. Nice.

While I don''t necessarily believe that cohabitation causes higher divorce rates (not enough evidence for this really), I don''t quite buy this either. Of course it''s true in some cases, but it seems like a generalization. I''m not religious at all, and choose not cohabitate because of practical reasons. A lot of people I know are the same way.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

We lived together before we were married (4 years to be exact). It worked for us but I do think it *slowed* down the whole getting engaged process. You have to do what is right for the two of you. DH just told me today about a class first time home owners can take where we live to get help with a down payment. Maybe there are those opportunities where you live. If you CAN get a loan now is a great time to buy. Good luck!

Things don''t change after you are married. But it is pretty cool introducing him as your *husband* and having him call you his *wife*.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 10/29/2008 6:29:59 PM
Author: fuzzers

Date: 10/29/2008 5:06:53 PM
Author: FrekeChild
One of the reasons social scientists speculate that the rate of divorce is higher for people who cohabit before marriage is because people who don't live together before marriage are more religious, and less likely to divorce in the first place because of religious beliefs.

While I don't necessarily believe that cohabitation causes higher divorce rates (not enough evidence for this really), I don't quite buy this either. Of course it's true in some cases, but it seems like a generalization. I'm not religious at all, and choose not cohabitate because of practical reasons. A lot of people I know are the same way.

No one said anything about causation. This is a correlation. I believe I used the word "speculate" and the phrase "One of the reasons".

No one here is talking specifics. There are trends, and those are tracked by sociologists. Sometimes it can be used to predict things, but often times not, because in society, causation is incredibly hard to prove.

And yes it's generalized, most of what research is produced in social science is generalized, otherwise what would be the point?

Also, since this was brought up in one of the prior threads on this subject, it's cohabit, cohabiting, cohabitation. I have no idea why this is, but I got a whole hour lecture on it from a Sociology professor, because I made that mistake.

 

[princesss]

Haha, Freke, can you tell I enjoyed reading about that study? It actually helped change my mind on the whole cohabiting issue. (Which BF and I are in a weird phase with right now...living together, but he''s moving out soon, then eventually we''ll move back in together. I just figure when the heck else am I ever going to get to live by myself? So I''m doing it now. Well, soon. Very soon.)

 

[Haven]

I think the most important thing to consider when decided whether to live together before being engaged or married is your reason for taking that big step.

Are you (and I''m talking about the rhetorical "you" here) moving in together:
a) To test the waters
b) To take your relationship to the next level of commitment
c) In hopes that it will speed up the process of getting engaged
d) Because you think it will make him realize he does want to get married after all, and he does want to marry you
e) To save money

IMO, the only good reason for moving in together is b. But I''ve seen people create successful marriages from many different circumstances, and of course, every couple is different.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 10/29/2008 7:55:54 PM
Author: Haven
I think the most important thing to consider when decided whether to live together before being engaged or married is your reason for taking that big step.

Are you (and I'm talking about the rhetorical 'you' here) moving in together:
a) To test the waters
b) To take your relationship to the next level of commitment
c) In hopes that it will speed up the process of getting engaged
d) Because you think it will make him realize he does want to get married after all, and he does want to marry you
e) To save money

IMO, the only good reason for moving in together is b. But I've seen people create successful marriages from many different circumstances, and of course, every couple is different.

I agree with this! It really depends on your motivations/reasoning and what you both want out of the arrangement - I do think it's important to make sure you're on the same page as far as commitment and the future goes before cohabitating.

As far as personal experience goes, I am glad I moved in with SO. I love falling asleep beside him every night, I love making meals together, etc. I especially love that we've become more of an "us" - basically, it feels like our lives are much more intertwined now (also because we were LDR prior to living together). We always consulted one another about big decisions, but it feels more official now.

However, prior to SO I had always said I wanted to wait til engagement to live in together. And in a strange way, I'm really GLAD I did hold that ideal - or else I might've lived with some of the losers I dated in the past! With SO, I felt like I was able to let go of that rule I had made for myself. I know he's 'the one', I know that a proposal is coming and I'm confident that we will work out.

I should also add, I think that people on the whole take living together too lightly nowadays. To boot, I think that sometimes the wrong people end up getting married as a result of that - marriage being the 'next step' and all of that. For that reason, anecdotes and studies on the subject don't really give me much pause (although they are interesting). Ultimately, only you know what is right for you and your relationship. Everyone's situation is so different - from reasons for moving in together, values, the relationship itself, level of commitment to the relationship, etc.

 

[Munchkin]

Well, here is why waiting until we were married worked for *us*

We met while in college. I was a sophomore and he was a freshman. While living together in college would NOT have gone well with either of our families (who were footing our tuition bills) there was also no way we were ready. Sure, I had those naive dreams of getting engaged while in college and getting married right after in our school''s chapel. The bottom line was that neither of us knew ourselves well enough yet to marry the other.

I graduated a year ahead of him and moved home to save money for a year before grad school. We lived an hour apart for that year. When he graduated, I was off to grad school and he took the best job he could find - back by his parents. HE then moved home which was a 2-4 hour trip to my grad school by car (dependent on NY traffic). For the next three years we were long distance.

Upon my graduation I took a job in the same state as my grad school as it was between my home state and his. He also moved to this state, and got a job about 45 min from me. We each had our own places and were newly engaged. At this point, we have been dating more that 6 years but hadn''t lived in the same state in some time. We took our own places so we had the freedom to go home if we desired, time to get to know one another''s daily habits ( a whole lot changes between 22 and 25!) and see what life was like when we saw one another more than 2 weekends a month!

After a year we could have happily moved in together - but by then we were hooked on the idea of waiting until marriage. Both of our (Catholic) families told us they knew that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together and understood if we wanted to live together. We said "no thanks."

We waited until we were married. We had been together for over 8 years by that time. It was awesome. It was a clear, tangible change in our lives that definitely marked the start of our marriage. It was so fun to come home to my *husband.* I was shocked by how smoothly the first year went. I thought we would have a tough transition since we were both so accustomed to living alone - but we didn''t. Somehow, I think knowing that this living arrangement was forever made me accept his quirks, try to amend my more bothersome habits and choose my battles regarding his. Now, don''t get me wrong. I still can''t begin to understand why he never puts a new trash bag into the pail when he takes out the trash, nor why he puts dirty plates the sink rather than the empty dishwasher, but I know this is for good, this is the rest of our lives.

If I had to do it again, I would wait. It was simply very cool/romantic/old fashioned/exciting/sweet et al.