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asking permission?

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froufrou

froufrou

Shiny_Rock
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What do you feel about your boyfriend asking your parents for "permission" in marriage?

do you think it is a requirement, or not?
would you want him to do it?
what would you do in a situation where you know your parents wont be happy about him asking?
do you think the asking for your hand is a cultural thing or done in all cultures?

I know for a fact my dad did not ask for my mom''s hand, they just announced one day they were engaged, and my grandparents were very upset that he did not "Ask" ahead of time. since my parents didnt ask, i feel like my boyfriend wouldn''t have to ask THEM? my mom also is not very happy with the thought of me getting married ever, and would probably not take the asking very well. in fact she''d probably rather i just told her myself after the engagement that we are engaged without him around, but im not sure. i wouldnt want my boyfriend to have to suffer through awckwardness of my mom being pissed off, so i dont think i would have him ask. i know its probably polite to ask but i kind of feel justified since my dad did not ask. i wonder if my boyfriend couldn''t just ask my grandparents for my hand instead cause they love him and would be happy, haha :)

so how does everyone feel about it?

if anyone''s not a LIW, did your fiance ask and how did it go??
 
My future husband asked for my father''s blessings. I had no idea he did this until after the fact. In my own case, my dad was thrilled and touched because this struck him as "classy" -- especially when Charlie asked my dad for any advice on how to live with the women in the family. (My dad''s advice was "listen hard.")

I thought it was sweet and romantic. I''m old fashioned that way. I must say I''m glad he didn''t ask permission. But that''s also me.

I would have wanted him to do it, but I also know my parents'' would have been happy with it. I''d actually have a panic attack if I knew he was asking and they''d say no.

Is it an option to have the whole family gathered and ask for their joint blessing?

Jas
 
My DH did not ask my father''s permission before he proposed to me. I was actually disappointed in that because even though I would have accepted the proposal no matter what their answer was, I feel that the act of asking permission is a sign of respect to my parents.
 
jas: by "ask permission" i was including "ask blessings" too.

im not sure what i would have my boyfriend do, whether i would want him to ask blessings or not. i like the idea of having everyone together but then would I NOT be there? it actually is feasible cause my parents and grandparents and us all live in the same town and my grandma often keeps my mom from being a crazy person so it would be perfect. however im not sure how he would ever arrange something like that because while we all do go have dinner together every once in a while, i am usually there. if he didnt'' ask permission im thinking after we did get engaged i would just tell my parents by myself. i have no idea. its not like our engagement is upcoming very VERY soon but in general i was just thinking about this and trying to decide what i think about it all.
 
do you think it is a requirement, or not?
My bf and I have discussed this and I know that prior to proposing he will ask my Dad''s permission. I PERSONALLY wouldn''t want it any other way b/c my Mom and Dad''s blessing is very important to me, and I know that my Father will gladly give my bf permission to marry me. Not that my Dad is ready to get rid of me, but through the years he has seen that my bf will love and provide for me in our future. What can I say, I''m a traditionalist!

would you want him to do it?
yes, I def want him to, and believe he will

what would you do in a situation where you know your parents wont be happy about him asking?
this is a toughie! ah..for me it would be difficult but I imagine that if I loved my future fi and saw my future with him that it wouldn''t matter.

do you think the asking for your hand is a cultural thing or done in all cultures?
I would imagine that in most cultures this is traditional, but not all?

I know that this is not exactly on topic but somewhat is. What about disaproval from co-workers or random people. I have the feeling that when that wonderful day comes when I get engaged that not all "older adults" will approve. I am young, and can only imagine what rude/harsh things that they will say. I guess I will have to keep in mind that I am in love and ready to commit my life together with my man and that''s the only thing that should really matter. I just anticipate feeling hurt by certain peoples comments to the "too young" factor.
 
We already had a wedding date, so my parents were well aware the proposal was coming... but on the day my fiance was planning to do it, he called both my parents separately (even though they're married) AND each of my two brothers, to ask for all their blessings. Actually, during the proposal, I didn't truly start crying until he told me he'd talked to my brothers... somehow that just struck me as the sweetest thing ever!!

Funny story... when FI called my dad's cell that day, my dad was on the other line dealing with a building problem at home, while simultaneously trying to deal with a major situation at his store... so when he answered and heard who it was, he said "Hey buddy! Listen, let me call you back..." so my poor FI was totally left hanging! Dad felt awful afterwards... he'd thought he was just calling about golf that weekend!! But it did make for a good story...
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ETA: Just a thought... if it is a situation where your parents will be unhappy, I wonder if it might be easier on your BF to write them a letter or something instead of trying to convince them in person, and having it turn into a fight? That way he could express everything he wanted to say without worrying about being attacked. Haven't thought that idea through... just wanted to throw it out there...
 
Oh great thread Frou! I think it is very romantic and shos a tremendous amount of respect for the guy to ask. I would like K to do so just for these two reasons but I have no idea if he will when the time comes. There is one major obstacle involved too, its traditional for him to ask my father, who really can''t be asked for certain reasons. (I doubt if he will even show for my wedding, but thats a different thread
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) So yeah he can ask my mom but that just seems so silly to me for some reason. I think its more of the idea of the guy stepping up and being aman to your father. I dunno. Plus my mom already knows that we plan on getting married and bla bla bla, heck I talk about how she will babysit her grandkids
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! I would almost say, that given what I know about his mother, he should be asking her permission to wed not asking my mom for a blessing
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Anyways Frou, in your situation, if it isn''t a big deal to you I say why bother. Especially if your parents are going to be all poopy about it!
 
My father had been dead for a while when I got engaged, but I think it is lovely to do so. Culturally, for the most part, I do not think it is really expected in the US except in some areas maybe, but overall I think it shows some respect and I have no problem with it.
 
I will be the voice of dissent here --- that's ok because I like to play devil's advocate.
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I would personally be insulted if my BF asked for my parents' permission or blessing. This is obviously not for everyone, but I would be upset if anyone knew about our engagement before the two of us (minus the the jeweller of course)!!!


I know that my parents feel the same way about this as I do, so there is no real conflict there. I have no idea what I would do if my boyfriend felt it was really important to do when my parents clearly would dislike it.

Really it just comes down to whatever you and your SO are comfortable with. Maybe there is some cultural component, but I don't think that is necessarily the determining factor. My BF comes from a semi-traditional Vietnamese family, and the whole formality of asking my parents doesn't really matter to him one way or the other. If it was something that was important to me or my parents, he would do it. since no one is interested, he will not be asking at all.

My opinion really has to be taken with a grain of salt. I was raised with some very feminist values, so the whole patriarchal underpinnings of "asking for permission" just doesn't work with many of my opinions. I know that most people do not ask for permission anymore and instead get a blessing from the families, but for me it doesn't really help.

Basically, I think that if a couple and their families feel it is an important part of the engagement process, then I am all for it. It personally doesn't work for me and that's ok too. Whatever floats your boat!!!

If a BF wants to ask, but the parents are not interested in listening, I don't see a problem with doing it in writing. The couple is ultimately the deciding factor. They have to be happy with the decision.
 
It''s not like I''m going to ask him if he talked to my Dad before saying yes!
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I think this may be partly age dependent. If I was under 25 I think my parents would be pretty unhappy if my bf didn''t ask them first. Really unhappy. But since I''m heading towards 35 not 25 it''s more of a nice (optional) gesture. I think my father (and even more my mother) would appreciate it if he did as a sign of respect and seriousness. But they''re not going to hold it against him either. And they''re not expecting him to do so either.
 
I asked her Dad and talked to her mom before I asked her, her sisters husband didnt and they havent forgot about it either.
I feel it helped with future relationships with her parents which has had some rocky moments.
 
here is another thread asking the same thing and a similar one:

/www.pricescope.com/forum/proposal-ideas/use-this-one-ask-dad-mom-both-parents-or-neither-t14738.html" target="_blank">https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/asking-permission.20155/

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/use-this-one-ask-dad-mom-both-parents-or-neither.14738/

i think i probably answered in one of those, i knew i responded to a Q like this at some point, but for me we were adults far past the whole living with the parents or dependent on the parents or anything like that, and it would have felt odd for him to ask my parents for my hand in marriage considering that i had been out of the house for like 10 years or more by then and i was my own person. i think if i was young 20's or something it would be appropriate but i think if the people are older or depending on how the family is, it's not required. for us it was definitely not something i was interested in having him do and something he was not interested in doing. and he has a great relationship with my parents...it wasn't that at all, it just wasn't something that was important to us. i think my dad might have been weirded out if greg asked..like why are you asking ME?? hehee.
 
Interesting question...

My husband didn''t ask my parents for their "permission". Part of me wishes he had (I''m semi old fashioned at age 28
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). I actually asked my husband if he had, and he said he had thought about it, but had a ''feeling'' that the last time they met, that he had their blessing. And he said he was going to ask me no matter what!!!

My father, who is oh so dear to me, loves my husband and considers him family. And what made me tear up (happy tears) was when my father wrote my husband a letter saying how he couldn''t have picked a better guy for his ''pumpkin'' (me!!!)
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so sweet!!
 
I was pleased that my FI asked my family for permission. It was the respectful thing to do, and I knew it meant a lot to my mom and daddy. Too bad they totally messed with him when he stopped by...

My fiance'' visited my parents at home on the day before he planned to propose. When he asked for my hand, my dad said, "I''ll get back to you," and started to walk off. Then-BF didn''t know what to think, but when Daddy turned back around and said, "I''m done thinking! SURE!" and started congratulating him, then he knew he had a yes.

Later, as FI was leaving, my 21 year old brother came home and my mother said, "He just asked to marry your sister!"

The response? "What would he wanna do THAT for?!?!"

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Yes, they''re mine. SOMEONE''S gonna hafta claim them as family.
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Date: 6/13/2006 7:20:09 AM
Author: equestrienne
I was pleased that my FI asked my family for permission. It was the respectful thing to do, and I knew it meant a lot to my mom and daddy. Too bad they totally messed with him when he stopped by...

My fiance'' visited my parents at home on the day before he planned to propose. When he asked for my hand, my dad said, ''I''ll get back to you,'' and started to walk off. Then-BF didn''t know what to think, but when Daddy turned back around and said, ''I''m done thinking! SURE!'' and started congratulating him, then he knew he had a yes.

Later, as FI was leaving, my 21 year old brother came home and my mother said, ''He just asked to marry your sister!''

The response? ''What would he wanna do THAT for?!?!''

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Yes, they''re mine. SOMEONE''S gonna hafta claim them as family.
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Click to expand...
Oh not that sounds like my family! Are you sure we aren''t related?
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My parents knew that a proposal was coming, but he asked for their permission (and my grandma and aunt''s blessing). Honestly, I was very touched, because he arranged it all without me knowing and my parents really appreciated it. If this is important to you, I don''t think you should worry about the logistics about it. Let him handle the details, work it out. For me anyways, it''s all part of the traditional proposal stuff. I never told my boyfriend it was an absolute requirement, nor did we talk about it other then in brief passing, but it was one of the sweetest parts of his proposal.
 
My first fiance "asked my father for my hand." My dad's reply was, "Sure, do you want the rest of her too?"

My second fiance/now hubby heard this story and decided not to ask... !

ETA: Things didn't work out with the fist fiance and I bailed 9 days before the wedding. Still have the dress though; wear it on Halloween every year, veil and all!
 
Hi! Well, since my fiance was proposing on a Friday, he waited until Thursday to ask. He got all ready, drove over (it''s only a minute away) and my dad had left. I had JUST talked to him, but he wanted to go to Home Depot.
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So Paul called me and said, "Your dad isn''t here. Can you call him?" So I had to call my Dad, tell him to go home because Paul had somethign to ask him. He said, "What about?" And I had to say, "ME!" He finally got home, Paul was waiting in the cold, poor guy. When my Dad gets in, he brings Paul inside, and shows him this bee''s hive inside the wall. Yes, in my DAD''s wall. My dad thinks it''s coming from inside the attic, so he asks for Paul''s help clearing the attic out. As my Dad has his head in the attic, he''s handing down our old family rifles and bayonets from the civil war and all that. (We had some sheriffs and soldiers in the family history), so Paul figures there''s no time like the present, since my Dad is currently armed and dangerous, and says, "Well, since you''re armed, I guess there''s no better time, may I have your daughter''s hand in marriage?" And my dad laughs and climbs down, and they have a nice talk, and watch TV for awhile.
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That''s our story, and it meant a great deal to me that he asked him.

He didn''t have to, as we were adults, and no longer living at home, but I think it was a respect thing. It shows that he respects my father and my bond with him.
 
I certainly don''t REQUIRE it, I don''t think my parents expect it, but somehow I think he''s still going to do it. One of his buddies tells him the story that the only reason his father in law likes him is that he asked, and the other daughter''s husband didn''t... so that guy is on the outs with the father in law. It''s rather crazy, I think, but M has this engrained in his head and feels he needs to. He and my dad have a great relationship so I don''t see it being a really big dea. I didn''t ask my parents for permission to move in with him, and my mom had some objections, but I am an adult and felt it was my decision. They know we''re planning to get married, we''ve talked about the wedding with them, but I don''t think he''s asked my dad yet. If he decided not to, I''d be cool with that too.
 
My DH is a really traditional, somewhat old-fashioned man, and he did ask both of my parents (over the phone) for their blessing. At the time I remember thinking that it wasn''t like they owned me, and what were they going to do, tell him "no?" It really wasn''t like that, though. It was more my DH''s way of letting my parents know that he would take good care of me, and treat me as well as they had. We live 5 hours away from them, and they didn''t get a chance to spend a lot of time with him. My dad actually said when DH asked for his blessing, "are you sure you want to do this? She can be awfully difficult to live with sometimes!"
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Yup, my dad totally sold me out, lol!
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LOL Monarch, yeah with my luck my Dad would have said that too!!
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Better that Greg steered clear of them then..hehee.
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My fiance did indeed ask. My father died when I was fourteen, and I have no brothers or sisters...it''s just me and mom. She''s getting older, and he wanted to let her know that I would never be alone and that I''d always be taken care of. He was insistant upon it.
He tried to do it covertly, but I tripped him up. We were leaving work and I said "so what are you doing tonight?" He hadn''t thought of what to say and said "uh, I have a meeting." I was confused... "a meeting? With whom?" And he cracked and said mom...I thought he was so cute. My mom however had done a superb job of keeping it from me...she''d known for 3 days, when he had called to set it up, and she never cracked...wasn''t expecting that!
 
I don''t think it''s a requirement in every family, but definitely in some. I have old-fashioned/traditionalist tendencies so I''ve always wanted my future fiance to not necessarily ask for my parents'' permission, but at least say "I want to marry your daughter and I hope I have your blessings." M knew that all by himself...we''re not getting engaged any time soon because of our circumstances but we wish we could. I want to be totally surprised when it comes, so during one of our "We can''t wait to start our lives together" chats, I mentioned that the only thing I''d like him to do is talk to my parents beforehand. He said, "Don''t worry honey I''ve been planning to do that all along." So sweet. I love him so much. =)
Anyway, I guess I''m reiterating the fact that it has to do with personal preference. For me, I wouldn''t say no if my honey hadn''t mentioned it to my family, but it''s a sweet gesture imho. I also think that a lot of times parents might have an idea that "Those kids are getting pretty serious and we might be attending a wedding soon." I don''t know. Just my 2 cents. =)
 
I agree with Mimi and Mara...He didn't ask, and I'm glad.

I don't even think it crossed my FI's mind to ask my parents first. We own a home together, are both very settled in careers, have two dogs and I haven't lived at home in 10 years. Why would he need their permission? My opinion is really the only the one that mattered!
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Besides, I think it would have kind of weirded my parents out.

That having been said, my FI has a great relationship with my parents. They love him to death. I just asked him his thoughts and he said he didn't feel like he had to ask because he knows how much they love him. They knew we were getting engaged as soon as I did...we got the diamond through a family friend and my parents were ecstatic.

Not sold on the whole romance idea of it. I guess it depends on your age and your place in life. Perhaps if I was 22, well, then, it might be appropriate...but even then, honestly, it might make me feel a bit like chattel...

Finally, and I'm not trying to start a fight here at all...but the respect that my FI has for me and my parents is evident in the way he loves and treats me and the way he's become a part of our family. Asking for permission should be a way for a man who has treated you less than wonderfully to gain some sort of respect points.
 
I know my fiance loves and respects me as well, but I did want him to "ask for permission" even though it''s not really permission he was looking for. His own father passed away 8 years ago, and he knows that one thing his father cherished before he passed was his daughter''s BF asking for her hand from him. In his family, it IS a respect thing. It shows he respects my parents and their wishes, and not just me and mine. It''s not a big deal in MY family at all, but Paul just wanted my Dad to know that no matter what, I am loved and cared for. It may be an outdated tradition, but I like the sentimentality of it. It no longer means transfering of person, but in our family it means all are informed of this decision, just no longer inlcuded, as it was many a year ago. The funny thing was, I didn''t have to tell him or ask him to do it, if I hadn''t had to track my father down, I wouldn''t even had known it happened!

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I agree that it is a personal preference thing between couples and their families; some families don''t seem to mind either way, as do some couples not reallly see it as being a big deal. Other couples and families see it as a sweet, sentimental part of the engagement process.

My parents have known our intentions for quite some time, but this weekend actually, Paul still took the opportunity to talk to my dad and ask for his and my mom''s blessing and support in our desire to marry.

I *used* to think the process was a very demoralizing thing, as if I was a piece of property being traded from my dad to my future husband, and I was adamant that I''d not *ever* want any man of mine to do such a thing. It''s different, though, when the man''s intentions are to reiterate to the woman''s father his desire to care for her and love her and cherish her for life. That''s not the same as saying, "hey, can I have your daughter?" It''s more like saying, "hey, I love your daughter and look forward to loving her forever; will you support us and offer blessings in this choice we''re making?" It''s not a matter of asking permission. It''s an opportunity to state what the girl means to you. That is *so* sweet. Necessary, no, I guess it''s not. I''ve been on my own for 9 years now, but it''s not about that. It''s about letting parents'' know how much you care and that you''ve weighed everything and have made an informed decision and are now seeking the approval and support of the people you love and know who have guided you through so many things before.

Side note: he talked to his parents as well and asked for their blessing, too. That was awesome!

Like I said, there is a BIG difference between asking permission (I have been headstrong since I was two years old, probably even younger) and asking for parents'' blessing in supporting us in our decision and being there for us to help us remember the commitment that goes into marriage. I like the idea of it, and I think my family really appreciated *especially my dad* the way he presented himself. Paul and my dad get along well and my dad and mom have known it was coming, but my dad still found it respectful and *considerate* that he indicated to my dad formally how much he cares for me and what he hopes to be for me as a husband. It really is a precious thing.
 
do you think it is a requirement, or not? No, it''s not a requirement. I think it depends on the couple and their situation, like most things.

would you want him to do it? I would want him to ask them for their blessing, but not their permission. I don''t feel that I need my parents'' permission to marry, but I''m 21 and my parents are helping me through college in more ways than one and paying my rent so I don''t have to work during school time, so I think it would be a sign of respect to them. It''s also something my father never got the chance to do as my mother lost her father at a very young age, so I think my parents would be very touched. In any case, J is going to ask them for their blessing and I''m ok with it.

what would you do in a situation where you know your parents wont be happy about him asking? Well, I thought my mom would freak out, but I told her about our upcoming engagement in February (https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/relieved-sigh.41166/) and she took it very well. She even told me just yesterday that her and dad will throw us an engagement party if we want!
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do you think the asking for your hand is a cultural thing or done in all cultures? Not sure about that one...
 
hey all, thanks for everyone''s comments :) i like hearing everyone''s opinions...

Virginia, thanks so much for sharing that story. I think our mom''s might be related..! I think if he did ask for the blessing this is exactly what would happen...my dad would be happy and my mom would have a fit and make me have a talk with her right away. My mom is also the same, I think she is afraid of losing me as her little daughter and also of getting older and having a married daughter. She keeps telling me a good age (and the average age in the US) to get married is around 33 (and I am 23 next month), so if we do get engaged we wont be married til I''m about 25 but I am not going to wait around to get married to him til im 33 just because my mom thinks that is a good age, that''s stupid. (she got married at 21 and regrets to this day she got married so young i think is the problem). 23 is young but not thaaat young, considering im almost done with my Masters and will be over half done with my PhD when I would get married and i support myself.

So...great, now i have come to a decision, he''s definately not allowed to ask :)
 
Mimikins24, I totally agree with you! I would be upset if my parents knew first. Mainly because my Dad wouldnt be able to keep it to himself and the whole family would know, and its a little bit selfish but I''d like to be able to tell people. I would quite like him to ask for their blessing after he''s asked me tho
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just courious.. if any of your fathers said no.. would you say no to the proposal?


I personally wouldnt mind if he did or didnt.. and my parents wouldnt be insulted at all...
 
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