Bachelorette Party advice please

[meresal]

Date: 1/11/2010 4:09:33 PM
Author: fiery

Date: 1/10/2010 7:04:30 PM
Author: neatfreak
I think regardless of whether it's a 'steal' or not-if some of the bridesmaids legitimately can't afford it then you need to respect that.

That being said, I think you could do some group lingerie gifts maybe, where those that can pitch in, do.

I totally understand wanting your friend to have what she deserves but at the same time you can't be ticked off at someone if they just can't afford it KWIM?

ETA: Is there any way you/the other hostess/the richer friends could pick up the tab and split it among yourselves? That way your friend gets the weekend and those that really can't afford it won't feel bad. I doubt it would cost much more PP.

This.

I may be speaking out of ignorance here but can you do a theme that is a little cheaper? Maybe instead of lingerie, kitchen utensils or bathroom stuff (like lotions, etc.). I don't know--may be cheaper?

And would something like a potluck not really work?

I actually thought that just having people send $10 extra ahead of time, would be easier for everyone, rather than each person having to worry about bringing stuff with them. Then we also don't have to worry about anything falling thru the cracks.

As for other ideas, I also sent her the idea regarding making it a "Honeymoon Shower", then you could give sunscreen for all I care, but at least it is something for HER. You know?

Sillyberry- I worry if I send a reply it might get snarky or overly-informative (I want the girls to realize what a great deal this is! LOL!). I'll work on that tonight and send something short and uplifting. I can be a team player!

 

[tlh]

Date: 1/11/2010 3:46:35 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 1/11/2010 2:50:09 PM
Author: tlh
Maybe that was her way of getting down to business. You mentioned that she is out of work right now... that $100 may be all she is fixated on right now, because of her particular situation. I don''t think that the bride should be cc''d on any of the financial discussions though. The bride should not feel that her girls are being put out or stretched beyond their means to throw her a party. The girls should not be expected to throw a 2nd party for the bride that goes beyond their means. The ''dirty part'' of the email... the not so happy part, is something that the bride should not be included on. That way if there is any back and forth on price - she doesn''t need to know about it.

Now, $100/person is a bargian for a weekend on the beach! Fun times for all! I think I would try to sell it... and if this price comes with any sticker shock - the delivery may be a part. Is this $100 just for the room - is the bride expected to pay her part because she was on the email.... does this include food/drink etc... or are those extras? Are we going out while we are there.... is this $100 base price, really more like $200-300? Does this $100 cover travel etc. There are a lot of questions the lead did not address, and as an invitee those are things I would wonder about. But $100 for an all expense paid weekend celebration w/ my BFFs would not be too much to pay for. IF the girls were expecting that a 2nd party would be thrown anyway.

I think the trip sounds fun, but I would think that some more clarifications will be necessary.

She already told me specifically that doing a fun gift as well, wouldn''t be a problem for her... With that said, if it really is a problem, and she just doesn''t want to say so, then don''t make a big stink about feeling like she ''should'' be the one to plan the event. Why would you offer to throw a party, and then complain about the cost of things?

It wouldn''t even be a second party. It would be something for the Saturday evening, while we are at the beach house. I''m not sure what they were expecting, I just know that from talking with the bride and within my group, it is expected that there will be a ''fun'' shower to go along with the party.

I don''t know, that is strange. But people do strange things sometimes. She may have offered because she had the time free, but not the piggy bank, but still wants to be apart of it for her friend... but is having trouble swallowing the amount. ??? I am not sure, I''m not a mindreader... she may not even be bothered by it- just has a hard time w/ delivery.
Those are valid points you make , and I think you hit the nail on the head... that there was a certain expectation that a 2nd gathering would take place... but there weren''t any clear guidelines set - with the exception that your bride appeared a little let down that her first party "shower" thrown in her honor lacked the pomp and circumstance she was hoping for... and you were wanting to make up for it - to all show her that she is loved. I think that is great. I think responding to all- is a great idea... but I''d hope that there would be a meeting of the minds on what everyone''s expectations are. It isn''t fair for you to do all this work - and find all these awesome ideas, and for people to shoot them down - without offereing an alternative - that may be easier for them to financially swallow.
The thing I can see, and possibly see others be hesitant about is those 4-5 girls that may be gung ho about it... and the 4-5 "wafflers"... and if those people say no, can''t afford it... the $100 awesome girls trip becomes $200+ - which still isn''t that bad - depending on your financial situation. I would be a bit nervous too - knowing that I had to be responsible for gathering the money from people, and may end up holding the bag for the difference. I''d definately want the money upfront - but even the most financially savvy people can have some friends that... aren''t. (Like why friends can turn out to be not friends after living together... like for instance one likes their credit in tact, and the roomie NEVER has a problem with paying bills late... so you are stuck "floating" their share of rent/electric/etc so your credit doesn''t take a ding.)
Mer, I hope you get to go, it sounds like a lot of fun for your friend!

 

[wannaBMrsH]

Mere-

You are a great friend to her! I wish you were my friend IRL.

I had multiple weddings this past summer and I was in charge of two bridal showers attended about 5 other events for all the brides. One thing that I really tried to do was offer more help if it was within my means.

For both of the girls that I threw the shower for, I was in neither bridal party. Their BMs really just weren''t up for planning (due to economics, personal tastes, lack of interest, etc.) and it was really stressing the brides in question out. Since they were my friends, I offered to throw the parties for them. When it came to the other showers and bachelorette parties, I called up the hostesses and asked if there was anything else that I could do. In one case, the hostess told me that alot of the guests were complaining about costs and saying they weren''t going to be able to make it...she asked me to help her spread the word with her.

I called some of the mutual friends and responded to a few of the emails with fun and inexpensive suggestions (i.e. for one party bus we rented, I replied that I would be bringing 5 bottles of champagne and would they help me polish them off? for a lingerie shower, I offered to use a coupon for a sale if anyone wanted me to pick up their lingerie gift at a department store, but would someone PLEASE give me ideas!)

Is there anyone in your group that would be willing to take on a little more and help you rally the troops so to speak?

 

[swimmer]

$100 for a beash weekend w/ the girls is a steal! I am so jealous!

Yes, a detail oriented followup is a great idea. Do clarify that this includes foodstuff and covering the bride. Yeah, and no need to cc her! Jeez, why would she include the bride? Does the B think that she is also paying? A photo or a "token of friendship" perhaps an around the clock shower? Then pretty much anything can go?

 

[meresal]

tlh- Thank you for replying again. I appreciate your input and a different point of view!

MrsH- You are the perfect guest! LOL! I wish you were my friend too! The thing is that I am not friends or even aquaintances with any of these other girls. Also, I would hate sending out something like that without getting the ok from the girl in charge first.

Swimmer- Unfortunately, I think the option is all or nothing. I have a feeling that if they see ANY other expense they will go running for the hills. Unfortunately since the girl in charge isn''t really helping to come up with any other idea, I have a feeling that the whole issue is just going to be ignored until it falls flat.

 

[Blair138]

Meresal-I couldn''t post yesterday but I wanted to tell you that you are a fab friend for making sure that your friend gets a great shower/b-party. I was the first in my friend group to get married and while my sister threw me an AMAZING b-party, I felt seriously shafted by my girlfriends who didn''t show up to my b-party at all, with no excuse or reason. Unfortunately while forgiven, I will never forget, and now those same friends are getting engaged and I feel I will harbor some resentment as I attend their events. I would never ditch out or give them the same treatment they gave me-so kudos to you for ensuring fairness all around!

and for the record $100 for a WEEKEND beach house is AWESOME and CHEAP!

 

[wyndham]

Meresal, kudos to you for trying to make the weekend special for your friend...she''s lucky to have you!

In my circle of friends, we also always have lingerie showers at the bachelorette parties (unless the bride specifically says she doesn''t want one, it''s assumed that there will be one). At the last b-party I went to, a few of the bridesmaids were short on cash, so we all agreed to pool our money (everyone gave what they thought was reasonable -- some $50, some $10) and get her one or two sets of nice lingerie. That option worked out well and the bride was really touched...and she didn''t have to know that some people contributed five times more than others.

Another option would be to get the bride a group gift that isn''t lingerie -- say a monogrammed blanket or those beach towels for her honeymoon! I think the way to approach it is to reply-all to the ringleader''s email (deleting the bride of course, WHO DOES THAT) and say "yay, I''m so excited for this...btw, all food and booze is included in that bargain price of $100...let''s really make this a memorable weekend for her..." and then suggest the joint lingerie gifts and/or honeymoon items. I just cannot believe that these girls could really say they can''t afford to kick in $5 for a special, unique group gift -- skip going out to lunch one day and there you go! $50-$60 would definitely get her something great (and you could silently kick in a little more if it came to that).

Good luck to you: these group things are always difficult!

 

[wyndham]

Date: 1/11/2010 9:12:28 PM
Author: Blair138

and for the record $100 for a WEEKEND beach house is AWESOME and CHEAP!

Just wanted to throw out a HUGE DITTO to Blair...the beach house is a great deal, Meresal! Good find!

 

[yssie]

I could be off with this, but here goes -


Yes, $100 for a weekend is an absolute steal! It's great that you're so excited about doing something sweet for her

On the other hand, though, when you consider all the other expenses that go into being part of a bridal party - there's the dress, shoes, jewellery, travel for a billion different wedding related events, bridal shower gift, wedding gift, now bachelorette party gift and trip.. I can see all that adding up really, really quickly, and in my circle at least $100 isn't an easy no-brainer for anyone (I'm sure that's age related, too, we're all just starting out). If more of your circle is getting engaged/married around the same time, all those celebrations can become a real financial burden. Group gifts with people pitching in what they can sounds like a fabulous idea

I don't think anyone's grumbling just for the sake of grumbling or being a party pooper, I think if the issue even came up then more people probably are thinking the same thing and maybe just don't want to say it out loud. Doesn't help that you don't really know any of the other girls, though, and what they really think

I do hope everything works out!! You're such a sweet friend

 

[meresal]

Yssie- Thank you for your post!

I decided to just completely take myself out of the entire scenario. I am going to be the most excited guest EVER!

It is easier for me, and it''s not like I don''t have other things to do. The only thing I do "have" to worry about, is getting my money back for the rental.

I found a place based on 10-12 people attending. It sleeps 12 in beds... no air mattresses or regular couch surfing necessary. So, I sent the girl in charge an email asking for an update on all the people that are definite attendees. Well, it seems that the main girl that was concerned about money, is contemplating backing out of the entire thing, and another one is not responding anymore. So we are at 8 people. Awesome.

The girl that is still contemplating backing out lives in the same city as 3 of the other bridesmaids, and has just today mentioned that she is going to "look into" carpooling, because that might make it more affordable... Ummmmm, DUH!!! We were all under the assumption that they would ride together, and maybe not getting your $30 spray tans every other week for one month might help too??

The bride told me that she is getting the "vibe" that the girl just doesn''t want to come and is trying to back out... and is trying to blame it on the "Really high cost and travel arrangements". We will see what happens. To be honest, I''ve been on a trip with the girl before, and she isn''t my favorite. She brought her boyfriend on our last girls trip, and wanted all of us to share a hotel room so that it would be cheaper!

No thanks.

Nothing new. I would just rather her back out now, so that we can invite other people, and not drag this out until the week before.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

Oh no! In my experience she will not back out until everyone is pretty much on their way.

Don''t why people are so crappy...

Sorry you are going through this.

 

[marlie]

having planned a couple bachelorette parties i totally feel for you! what you proposed sounds like a blast, sounds like you had the bride''s idea of a good time in mind and sounds like you did take financial situations into account. Whenever I''ve gone to a bach party, I''ve always spent a couple hundred dollars...hotels, gifts, travel, dinners, drinks. But maybe that''s just how my group works.

The worst part of your whole situation to me, is that the bride is seeing this discussion going on! As a bride, I carry guilt about how much each of the bm''s are spending on the wedding already and i wouldn''t want it put out there and in my face like that. yikes.

good luck!!

 

[yssie]

Oh, doesn't she sound like a hoot

I'm sorry

. What a headache - all she needs to do is say yes or no!




And I definitely agree, getting yourself out with your sanity intact is a good idea!