Bad Parent

[qtiekiki]

No comments on parenting ever goes over well. In the situation that OP posted, the safety issue would be my concern. I don't know what I would do in the situation. I imagine myself screaming "oh my gosh, that girl is half hanging out of the baloney.", but not yelling at the kid to get off. That can sometimes backfire, as in the kid is now focusing on you and loses balance of what she is doing.

DH's coworker told him that they finally moved their 8 years old daughter to her own room. DH said to me "no wonder they only have one kid.". I have no issue with 7/8 years old co-sleeping. That's their parenting choice. But when the parents are having sex next to the kid, that's just disgusting.

 

[ForteKitty]

In that situation, the best would have been to notify the hotel staff and let THEM handle it. It's their job to ensure guest safety, not yours. Let them be the ones to call in the authorities. For all we know the dad's version of "watching the game," is being passed out on the bed.

MC- this was not a hotel, so the management is not responsible for telling people what not to do. These are privately owned condos in a complex, and we rent directly from the owner. My agreement had a section on watching children and not letting them to a number of things. These parents obviously didn't comply. Besides, she left soon afterwards... a whole lotta good that would have done.

Speaking of falling off balconies, i just read this: http://myvalleynews.com/story/56561/

 

[MichelleCarmen]

In that situation, the best would have been to notify the hotel staff and let THEM handle it. It's their job to ensure guest safety, not yours. Let them be the ones to call in the authorities. For all we know the dad's version of "watching the game," is being passed out on the bed.

MC- this was not a hotel, so the management is not responsible for telling people what not to do. These are privately owned condos in a complex, and we rent directly from the owner. My agreement had a section on watching children and not letting them to a number of things. These parents obviously didn't comply. Besides, she left soon afterwards... a whole lotta good that would have done.

Speaking of falling off balconies, i just read this: http://myvalleynews.com/story/56561/

Yeah, hopefully you never witness something along this line again, but if so, call 911 and let them dispatch fire dept/police/file report if child is seen being ignored by her mom & dad. This time you experienced a rude woman. Next time you could encounter some wacko!

I'm not even sure if the complex we live in has child rules. They have a huge long section on pets, of course...

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

You know I just seen an incidence of bad parenting yesterday at the grocery store, there was a young couple and and baby in the cart, then as I was leaving these 2 kids around 2-3 were running thru the store and then ran upto the parents with the cart and baby...ok I was annoyed but whatever, but then I was leaving the store and this little boy around 4 was running across the street in front of the store, ALONE no one was around at all, I was appalled I stopped to make sure he made it safely and then he ran into the store and sure enough he was with the couple with the other badly behaved children and I then I heard the Mom yell, you should have looked before you ran across the street I was just appalled....and I remember another time I was at Meijer and I was looking at shoes and the dressing rooms was in that area and I heard some women talking very calmly to a child and then I heard smack and then another smack and then you could hear the child was crying but it sounding like she was holding her hand over the child's mouth and I think she smacked the kid aroud 8-10 times, I finally yelled at the women to stop hitting the child that she is abusing her and that I was going to call the police, she came out of dressing room and I was yelling at her, I was pissed, very pissed the store employee was there and she was on her way to call the police but the women put the kid in the cart and took off....I wish I could have done more to help that child but I had never been in that situation before and honestly didnt know what to do.

Spanking your own child is not illegal, and if she was talking calmly to her child beforehand, then perhaps that child had just had a screaming fit in public and a spanking in private was the consequence. I was not there, so of course I cannot say what really happened; perhaps this woman was abusing her child, or perhaps you think all spanking is abuse.

 

[AGBF]

Spanking your own child is not illegal

That depends on where you live.

Deb/AGBF

 

[DivaDiamond007]

My mom told me once about a time when she was at a fast food restaurant and saw a mother bringing lunch over to her daughter, who was already seated. She handed the girl her lunch and the young girl proceeded to have a fit about her milkshake, and snapped at her mother "I TOLD you I wanted VANILLA. NOT CHOCOLATE." To which the mother apologized, calmly got up and ordered a new milkshake. My mom was CONVINCED that the mother was going to dunk it over the child's head but was sorely surprised when the mother apologized again and again, and gave her daughter the correct flavor.

To this day, my mom reminds me that she's not afraid to dunk a milkshake over any of her children's heads.

This is how my DIL was raised, and she is now a spoiled brat. One day her mom posted on her facebook wall a note saying "we didn't you appreciate you being a no-show for shopping when we set a time", etc. Then a couple of days later the mom posted "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, please answer my calls". She kept posting things like this for like a week.

She expects everyone to "respect her" and apologize to her for smallest slight, but she will not apologize for anything, ever. She's a narcissist. I don't know what my son sees in her, and one day when he's done bowing and scraping, fulfilling her every whim he might realize what a b!t$h he married. But I doubt it.

So, yeah, the mom at the fast food place is adding another beeach to the world. Thanks, mom.

Well, iLander, sometimes it's just not worth the fight. I have a toddler (he's almost 3) and I have also just thrown something in the grocery cart or gotten something when he whined just to avoid having a mega-meltdown in public over something so trivial. I highly doubt that my son will grow up to be a "spoiled brat" and a "narcissist" because sometimes it's easier to give in I don't specifically recall THE DIL thread, but maybe you should work on your relationship with yourself and how you relate to others instead of worrying so much about your son's marriage.

I can't say I've ever witnessed truly abhorrent parenting, but sometimes I flinch when I see parents that don't seem interested or involved in the kids' lives. I'm talking about the parents at the mall/store/restaurant/wherever that are so glued to whatever smart phone/gadget that they completely ignore their kids. Just makes me sad to think about how the parents must act at home

 

[iLander]

This is how my DIL was raised, and she is now a spoiled brat. One day her mom posted on her facebook wall a note saying "we didn't you appreciate you being a no-show for shopping when we set a time", etc. Then a couple of days later the mom posted "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, please answer my calls". She kept posting things like this for like a week.

She expects everyone to "respect her" and apologize to her for smallest slight, but she will not apologize for anything, ever. She's a narcissist. I don't know what my son sees in her, and one day when he's done bowing and scraping, fulfilling her every whim he might realize what a b!t$h he married. But I doubt it.

So, yeah, the mom at the fast food place is adding another beeach to the world. Thanks, mom.

Off topic, but Islander, I'm sorry for criticizing how you handled your DIL in your original post about her. At the time I was having MIL issues (bad behaviour that resulted in her skipping her son's wedding!) and I was projecting my situation on yours. I've recently had experience with the after effects of a controlling person and how it can split up a family. I sincerely hope your situation improves in the future.

That's okay, Chemgirl, I think a lot of people had trouble with that thread, and it's not a big deal at all. Your MIL skipping the wedding was incredibly rude and awful, I have to say, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm not sure my situation will improve, it continues to deteriorate . . . But I won't go into it, it seems to polarize people. Long story short: controlling, self-centered people REALLY suck . . .

Thread jack over

 

[iLander]

My mom told me once about a time when she was at a fast food restaurant and saw a mother bringing lunch over to her daughter, who was already seated. She handed the girl her lunch and the young girl proceeded to have a fit about her milkshake, and snapped at her mother "I TOLD you I wanted VANILLA. NOT CHOCOLATE." To which the mother apologized, calmly got up and ordered a new milkshake. My mom was CONVINCED that the mother was going to dunk it over the child's head but was sorely surprised when the mother apologized again and again, and gave her daughter the correct flavor.

To this day, my mom reminds me that she's not afraid to dunk a milkshake over any of her children's heads.

This is how my DIL was raised, and she is now a spoiled brat. One day her mom posted on her facebook wall a note saying "we didn't you appreciate you being a no-show for shopping when we set a time", etc. Then a couple of days later the mom posted "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, please answer my calls". She kept posting things like this for like a week.

She expects everyone to "respect her" and apologize to her for smallest slight, but she will not apologize for anything, ever. She's a narcissist. I don't know what my son sees in her, and one day when he's done bowing and scraping, fulfilling her every whim he might realize what a b!t$h he married. But I doubt it.

So, yeah, the mom at the fast food place is adding another beeach to the world. Thanks, mom.

Well, iLander, sometimes it's just not worth the fight. I have a toddler (he's almost 3) and I have also just thrown something in the grocery cart or gotten something when he whined just to avoid having a mega-meltdown in public over something so trivial. I highly doubt that my son will grow up to be a "spoiled brat" and a "narcissist" because sometimes it's easier to give in I don't specifically recall THE DIL thread, but maybe you should work on your relationship with yourself and how you relate to others instead of worrying so much about your son's marriage.

I can't say I've ever witnessed truly abhorrent parenting, but sometimes I flinch when I see parents that don't seem interested or involved in the kids' lives. I'm talking about the parents at the mall/store/restaurant/wherever that are so glued to whatever smart phone/gadget that they completely ignore their kids. Just makes me sad to think about how the parents must act at home

Hmmm . . . okay . . . I got the impression from asymons412's post that the girl was over ten years old. I believe a bratty response like that would be completely unacceptable from someone over 10.

My DIL's response's are from a 23 year old. I feel that making your mother apologize to you repeatedly when you are 23 years old is bratty and unacceptable. I'm not worrying about my son's marriage, I am mostly worried about the fact that my son is not allowed to communicate with me or any of his friends at all now. He's also deleted all women (even ladies over 50 that he works with) from his facebook. If my worry was about a girl, all the ladies on this forum would be saying she's a victim of an abusive relationship, but because he's a male, I'm the mean MIL. But there is a lot to more to my story, that I haven't posted here, and I won't go into it.

Giving in to a toddler is something I know ALL about. And bringing another milkshake to a tired 3 year old does sound like the best plan and perfectly normal. I've done it myself.

Don't know why you're jumping on me . . .

 

[jstarfireb]

I'm amazed that people need to get a license to FISH or DRIVE, but any moron can pop out a kid.

Ticks me off.

+1. I think there should be a license to reproduce!!!

(Granted, it could never be enforced, and it conflicts completely with my thoughts on reproductive choice, but STILL!)

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

I'm amazed that people need to get a license to FISH or DRIVE, but any moron can pop out a kid.

Ticks me off.

+1. I think there should be a license to reproduce!!!

(Granted, it could never be enforced, and it conflicts completely with my thoughts on reproductive choice, but STILL!)

At LEAST require a parenting class or something!

Actually, one of my zumba instructors has two kids, both under ten, and we were walking into the gym together the other day and her little boy ran ahead and opened the door and held it open for me. How cute is that? I told her what great manners he already has - he was a little gentleman!

I think it's a little sad what ForteKitty said earlier about how one parent said hearing their kids are well-behaved is the best thing they can hear nowadays. I mean, great because there ARE really amazing, concerned parents out there, but sad because it's clear we no longer take good behavior as the norm, but rather treat it as a really good exception when we see it.

 

[MonkeyPie]

I'm not worrying about my son's marriage, I am mostly worried about the fact that my son is not allowed to communicate with me or any of his friends at all now.

Actually...he CHOOSES not to, to keep the peace in his marriage. To him it probably isn't worth the massive fight, at least not yet. That day will come.

I've kind of avoided this thread because it makes me feel angry (why be a parent if you don't want to be/don't like children?). But I think this is one of those gray areas where everyone will always have a different view, because parenting methods are vast and a lot of different angles work for different kids.

That said...I'd have probably punched the woman allowing her kid to hang over the balcony, and then have the balls to get all huffy about it.

 

[dragonfly411]

I'm not worrying about my son's marriage, I am mostly worried about the fact that my son is not allowed to communicate with me or any of his friends at all now.

Actually...he CHOOSES not to, to keep the peace in his marriage. To him it probably isn't worth the massive fight, at least not yet. That day will come.

I've kind of avoided this thread because it makes me feel angry (why be a parent if you don't want to be/don't like children?). But I think this is one of those gray areas where everyone will always have a different view, because parenting methods are vast and a lot of different angles work for different kids.

That said...I'd have probably punched the woman allowing her kid to hang over the balcony, and then have the balls to get all huffy about it.

I don't know that I would use the words chooses. Although yes he's making a choice, there are truly some abhorrent wives out there, the same as husbands. I didn't CHOOSE to cut people out when my ex made it clear he didn't want me around them... I felt obligated to in order to maintain our relationship (which was abusive, manipulative and unhealthy). I'd almost go as far as to say that some people are almost brain washed in those types of situations. You no longer think for yourself, nor do you think rationally.

 

[ForteKitty]

That said...I'd have probably punched the woman allowing her kid to hang over the balcony, and then have the balls to get all huffy about it.

And have assult/battery charges hurled at me, then have to fly back to hawaii to testify? no thanks! I think the other woman did a good job of telling her off.

 

[janinegirly]

Bad parents might have always been around but I do think our society today tends to look for scapegoats rather than take personal responsibility. I have heard versions of this story from many people (indirectly) - ie cases where someone steps in / says something really out of a knee jerk reaction and gets attacked rather than thanked by the parent.
A friend of mine who is a teacher at a *not so great* public high school called a parent once about her child's behavior and was yelled at to "leave my kid alone." It's sad and scary and I feel so bad for so many of these kids!

Regarding co-sleeping and DTD, well I think it's clear that DTD in front of kids (in a car?? COME ON, get some control) is just wrong. I think having the crib in the room when the baby (a few months old,etc.) is asleep is a different story. If one decides to co-sleep longer, that is their choice, but that means DTD moves somewhere else while the child's there!

 

[AGBF]

I'm amazed that people need to get a license to FISH or DRIVE, but any moron can pop out a kid.

Ticks me off.

+1. I think there should be a license to reproduce!!!

(Granted, it could never be enforced, and it conflicts completely with my thoughts on reproductive choice, but STILL!)

Naturally one should not have to get a license to reproduce. The government has enough fingers in our pies! When we were adopting our daughter (starting around 20 years ago) and I saw what hoops we had to jump through, I had the same thought, however! It wouldn't hurt the government to help families with new babies as some other countires do, and, by doing so, both to nurture and to help the new parents learn some parenting skills in a very non-threatening way.

As a prospective adoptive parent 20 years ago I was absolutely put through the wringer! I had to have a physical exam; produce a statement of mental health; get a statement from the state police; have a homestudy by a licensed social worker that involved several meetings with my husband and me plus an inspection of our home; produce financial records; get three letters of reference; and-since it was an international adoption-have them all translated into Spanish, and authenticated by the Colombian embassy. Then I had to be fingerprinted by the local police for the FBI every six weeks until I flew to Colombia, where my husband and I had to be interviewed by child welfare officials there to see if we were bonding well with our baby!

I am sure I have forgotten many mor things I had to do. The paperwork was neverending. There were forms for immigration and forms for visas and forms for passports.

Our daughter had to enter the US on a Colombian passport with a visa from the US embassy in Bogota. I had to take her for a physical to the doctor for the US Embassy in Bogota, who was Colombian and, we had been forewarned, very negative to any Americans who didn't speak Spanish to him! I speak French well, but my Spanish isn't so great. I remember going in and saying to him-in Spanish-"I am delighted to meet you, Dr X. I am sorry, but I speak very little Spanish. I speak French and a little Italian". He beamed at me and spread his arms out, saying. "It doesn't matter! We will speak English! What matters is you tried!" I don't think the Americans who went there and spoke English were all "ugly Americans" who refused to try to speak Spanish in Colombia. I think they thought that the doctor for the American Embassy would speak English!!!

At any rate, I didn't mean to threadjack the thread. I just wanted to say that I have some sympathy towards those who feel people should have to get a license to reproduce after having gone through what I did to adopt, but I think there are more helpful things for government to do for people than to license them (if the goal of government is good parenting)!

Deb/AGBF


Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend

 

[iLander]

I'm not worrying about my son's marriage, I am mostly worried about the fact that my son is not allowed to communicate with me or any of his friends at all now.

Actually...he CHOOSES not to, to keep the peace in his marriage. To him it probably isn't worth the massive fight, at least not yet. That day will come.

I've kind of avoided this thread because it makes me feel angry (why be a parent if you don't want to be/don't like children?). But I think this is one of those gray areas where everyone will always have a different view, because parenting methods are vast and a lot of different angles work for different kids.

That said...I'd have probably punched the woman allowing her kid to hang over the balcony, and then have the balls to get all huffy about it.

I don't know that I would use the words chooses. Although yes he's making a choice, there are truly some abhorrent wives out there, the same as husbands. I didn't CHOOSE to cut people out when my ex made it clear he didn't want me around them... I felt obligated to in order to maintain our relationship (which was abusive, manipulative and unhealthy). I'd almost go as far as to say that some people are almost brain washed in those types of situations. You no longer think for yourself, nor do you think rationally.

All my friends tell me the same thing; that there is not really anything that can be done. I have a friend that was in a dominating relationship like this. She said people told her all kinds of things but she wouldn't listen.

What finally made you realize and leave? How did you escape?