Be Honest re: Holiday Disappointment

[notmyrealname]

Okay, I know we all try and try and try not to get our hopes up. For those of you who know he has the ring already and are close to getting engaged, you might naturally be disappointed if he does not propose. But those of us who are a little further away (looked at a few rings, etc.), deep down inside, do you still have hope every holiday, birthday, Valentine''s Day, anniversary, night out, and so on?

I do, which is irrational. I would know for sure if he bought a ring. He has told me he hasn''t bought me anything for Christmas yet. He says he doesn''t know what to get me. When I showed him rings I liked online last month, it was already too late to order them for Christmas. He asked me about buying and proposing with a plain band 2 weeks ago, but when I gave him my ring size and preferences the next day, he was sorry for bringing it up because it gets my hopes up and makes me mad. Inside, I know it is not happening for me this time around. (He hasn''t planned anything for Christmastime, I''ve done it all!)

Yet somehow I hold on to this fantasy of "Well, maybe he really was paying attention, bought the ring, and is going to sweep me off my feet." I can deal with Christmas Eve/Day fine, but when New Year''s Eve comes and goes (and he gets on his plane to go home), I know I am going to be feeling that disappointment. I feel it deep down every time we get together and it doesn''t happen. I try to prepare myself but it doesn''t help.

As a note, I always get disappointed after the holidays, because I build everything up in my mind and I am never satisfied with the presents (I see it as money not well spent, or the way I would have spent it) and a lot of people get my things they would like, not things I would like. Also, I know that whatever my boyfriend gets me, it''s not the gift I truly want, the ring...so I will have to be excited about the electronic he gets me, or the cash (he really did one year), or the other items. He means well. It''s just hard.

Will you be able to keep the tears in? He is going to know I''m disappointed as well! What helps you in this situation?

 

[gwendolyn]

I''m sorry you''re feeling that way, honey. I have a friend who''s been going through that for almost 7 years now, and she still gets her hopes up every Christmas, New Year''s, anniversary and birthday. I don''t know what to tell her to make it any easier, and I don''t know what to tell you. Maybe talk to your boyfriend ahead of time and ask if he can reassure you that an engagement is coming within the next X months, so you can relax a bit about it and enjoy the rest of the holidays?

 

[Keepingthefaith21]

What helps me is what I did to myself in the past. Last year I ruined what should have been a fantastic holiday because I got my hopes up and I vowed from that point forward to never let it happen again. It’s not easy to do but I always keep the following saying on my lips and in my heart during times when I think a proposal could come:

“It is better to be pleasantly surprised than to be bitterly disappointed.”

Last Christmas was the first year in my home with my SO. I was excited for so many reasons and, of course, I was thinking this was going to be The Christmas. When my SO insisted both our families be at our home for Christmas dinner I believed even more that he was going to propose. Christmas Day came and I was over the moon with excitement. I really believed that it was going to happen. As the day began to unfold, I started to lose hope little by little. When we were kissing and hugging our families good-bye I had pretty much come to terms with the fact that it wasn’t going to happen.

Here’s where I made my brutal mistake. I had spent so much time hoping and believing that I just couldn’t let myself give up hope. So, as evening turned to night and family was replaced by friends stopping by I continued to hold a private vigil that he would ask. Then a couple who we were good friends with stopped over. As I observed my friend’s girlfriend from across the room I couldn’t help but notice a shiny new addition to her left ring finger. They had gotten engaged a few nights earlier and had been waiting until Christmas to announce it to everyone. As happy as I was for them (and amazed that after only 4 months of dating they were so sure of each other) I was definitely a mess deep inside.

I ended up bitterly disappointed and because of how unbelievably disappointed and hurt I was that holiday, I will never again allow myself to truly believe.

 

[mirre]

I can sympathize. My bday is Friday and Christmas is Tuesday and to my knowledge BF hasn''t even gotten me one thing. We agreed not to get much for Christmas because funds are a little tight (for the record I haven''t gotten his yet either but that''s because I had bills to pay first). I can get past Christmas but my birthday is a little different. I very seriously doubt I''ll be getting a ring... I talked about this in another post yesterday. This past Valentine''s day was very disappointing... but it wasn''t so much because of me. I had been wanting these cute shoes and he knew what size I wore because I tried them on when he was with me, a week or so before V-day he says "If you''re at my house and a package comes don''t open it I''m expecting your present. It will be a really small box." Ok what would you all think? RING! Right? Wrong... V-day came and it was the shoes. Don''t get me wrong I loved them, but talk about getting your hopes up.

I just want to skate on passed Birthday, Christmas, New Year''s, and Valentine''s day because I''m not expecting it for any of those.

I know... Maybe we can start a thread right after Christmas and come here and talk about what we got instead?! Maybe that''ll help with the excitement level?

 

[NewEnglandLady]

This is why the holiday season is so hard for the LIWs! It''s very common. Unfortunately.

I remember 2 years ago being SO SURE that my bf was going to propose on our New Year''s trip to Aruba. We had the most amazing NYE and I''d taken tons of pictures throughout the entire day of everything we''d done so that I could remember the day he proposed. Ugh.

When he woke me up at midnight to go watch the fireworks, I was mentailly preparing how I was going to say "YES!!!"

But he didn''t. And I cried, which made him feel really bad and made me feel even worse. It was not an easy time--I still call it "The Beginning of Resentment".

I think that each time you get your hopes up and feel let down, the hurt you feel starts to build. The only advice I can give is to talk with him and try not to think about the non-engagement. Enjoy your time with family and friends!

Even as I type that, I know how hard it is to do. I do wish we could do something to help, but the truth is it stinks!

 

[Rhea]

Date: 12/17/2007 5:55:40 PM
Author:notmyrealname

As a note, I always get disappointed after the holidays, because I build everything up in my mind and I am never satisfied with the presents (I see it as money not well spent, or the way I would have spent it) and a lot of people get my things they would like, not things I would like. Also, I know that whatever my boyfriend gets me, it''s not the gift I truly want, the ring...so I will have to be excited about the electronic he gets me, or the cash (he really did one year), or the other items. He means well. It''s just hard.


Will you be able to keep the tears in? He is going to know I''m disappointed as well! What helps you in this situation?

I do this as well at the holidays. Presents make me so nervous, I''m rarely pleased with them both in giving and receiving. The author Lionel Shriver described how I feel so well in one of her books.

While I''m no longer a LIW (I''m an old married hag) I remember going through this every single holiday with my bf before my dh. It was horrible. I knew it wasn''t going to happen but that didn''t stop me from crying and getting disappointed every.single.time. No tips here.

Good luck.

 

[honey22]

I so understand where you are all coming from. We have been together for 11 years, so I have had plenty of opportunities to get my hopes up. Now that we have discussed it and it''s actually (finally!) on the horizon, I dread all these special occasions for the same reason, I think this is finally it, only to be disappointed. Twice this year I was totally convinced - one was our anniversary when we stayed at a fancy hotel for the night. The whole time - when he had flowers delivered to our room, the romantic walk through the gardens, dinner, watching out of the city from our balcony, every time he looked me in the eye, I kept thinking this is finally it. When we finally went to bed and he fell asleep, I couldn''t help it, I cried myself to sleep. He woke up in the morning to see me looking a mess and he knew why I was upset, which just made him feel terrible and I felt so guilty that I had messed up our special night.

I don''t know how to stop myself from going insane, but I am really really really trying to push all these thoughts and daydreams from my head and try to enjoy Christmas. We are having a really big one with all his family this year (first time in 10 years the whole immediate family will be together so it''s a special time), and I have this little voice screaming in my head - this would so be the perfect time to announce our engagement! Oh, the torture!

Anyway, I will have my revenge (lol). We have shared finances for at least 8 years so everything is our money I guess, and I have told him, the longer he makes me wait, the bigger the rock is getting! He just smiles and nods his head! Such a good boy!

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 12/17/2007 5:55:40 PM
Author:notmyrealname
Okay, I know we all try and try and try not to get our hopes up. For those of you who know he has the ring already and are close to getting engaged, you might naturally be disappointed if he does not propose. But those of us who are a little further away (looked at a few rings, etc.), deep down inside, do you still have hope every holiday, birthday, Valentine''s Day, anniversary, night out, and so on?

As a note, I always get disappointed after the holidays, because I build everything up in my mind and I am never satisfied with the presents (I see it as money not well spent, or the way I would have spent it) and a lot of people get my things they would like, not things I would like. Also, I know that whatever my boyfriend gets me, it''s not the gift I truly want, the ring...so I will have to be excited about the electronic he gets me, or the cash (he really did one year), or the other items. He means well. It''s just hard.

Oh, I hear you and am right there with you on this! Last year didn''t bother me, because my boyfriend and I had only been seeing each other a year. But now it''s 2 years, and I''m getting antsy. I feel very irrational about it -- only because I know that we can''t get married right now (too many things to resolve beforehand - his mom has terminal cancer, his daughter has mental health issues, his house is too small for me to move into, etc). But I''d still like a formal commitment. I can wait several years to get married if I have that.

This year, our anniversary came and went, and I was a little disappointed, but not badly so. My birthday came and went right after that. While he did give me a great birthday (he got tickets to the PBR -- I am wild over professional cowboys and that scene -- and we went for a nice dinner afterwards -- and he got me something I wanted), I was a bit more disappointed. I wanted a ring. Thanksgiving, I called my brother in Colorado to wish him a happy holiday and he announced that he just proposed to his girlfriend of not quite a year minutes before I called (he wanted them to be able to announce their engagement and show the ring at dinner at her parent''s). I was happy for my brother but got in kind of a "Hey, what about me?" mood inside my own head for a little while. And now with Christmas coming and all of those darned "Every Kiss Begins With Kay" commercials every 2 seconds (

), I am getting really, really antsy. I don''t expect to get a ring in all honesty, but one would just fly me to the moon. If I don''t get one, I do know we are going out for New Year''s with some friends of his (two married-for-a-while couples) to one of those all-inclusive/open bar/live band bashes.....so if it doesn''t happen then, I''m really gonna feel the disappointment. And then there''s Valentines on the tail of that......

How do I deal with it? Well, I tell myself that I want him to propose when he is ready, and that means my not bringing it up. And I want to be surprised, so...ditto. And I also tell myself that waiting is a good thing. I didn''t completely think through my relationship with my ex and spend enough time observing/being....and look where it got me.

If Santa is lurking, the ring I would like is below. It is a Danhov halo asscher. I like small and delicate over big and blingy, so a 1ct center stone would be more than enough. I would like the center stone to be a light canary or a peachy champagne diamond (C1-C2). If he didn''t want to go for a diamond, a kunzite, light lemon topaz, yellow sapphire or white sapphire would also be nice. My boyfriend asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I didn''t want to sound greedy or like I was pressuring him, so I said, "I''d like something from you that I can wear all the time, so I have a little piece of you with me wherever I go." But I have a sneaking feeling that I''ll get a bracelet, a necklace or a pair of earrings instead. Not to sound ungrateful, but that''d suck.

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[designchica]

Holidays don''t build me up for disappointment because I don''t think my boyfriend would propose on a holiday. However, I can relate on some level. My boyfriend out of the blue this week decided we should go to Hawaii next month. It came out of nowhere and was not something he''d talked about before (unlike all of the other trips we''ve planned for months in advance in the past). So of course my mind started to wander and before I could stop myself, I had fantasies of him proposing in Hawaii despite the fact that he has told me he is not ready and needs more time to think about it. Yet I continue to hope and dream and it scares me that I will be so disappointed that he doesn''t propose that it will ruin an otherwise AMAZING trip. Honestly, a proposal is so far away that it feels unhealthy to allow myself to have these kind of fantasies.

 

[Sassee]

I was definitely there. I think part of you knows that the possibility is remote (especially if you have a man like mine, who''d be reluctant to propose on an "obvious" date like Christmas, or Valentines or birthday) and you may even wish away any such concept with the whole "its kind of cheesy and predictable" argument. But the other part of you is thinking "but... it is such a romantic time of year, and maybe because he knows I''m not expecting it for the above reasons, he''ll surprise me!"

Ah, the mind can be a truly evil and wicked thing at times - especially when it turns on itself!!

I remember a doozy of a year (last year) where I was convinced that it was going to happen over Christmas. The 24th and 25th came and went with no proposal, but what irritated/upset me even more, was that he''d made NO effort at all. He''d bought me a teapot (!!) but apart from that, left everything until the last minute and hadn''t got me one single thing that I''d expressed interest in (he''d asked me for a list, so I had provided - with internet sites and all - and he''d left it until 2 days before Xmas to think he could order a Longchamps bag from France and have it delivered to Australia before Xmas - he was shocked when their delivery instructions said "expect 10 - 15 days"

). By the way, due to that he was scared off and never bought my Longchamps bag that I wanted. LOL !!

Anyway, I think a lot of LIWs feel the same way. Just try and enjoy the Christmas break regardless - and hope that he has put some vague amount of effort into his gift purchase for you!

 

[matildawong]

Reading all the thoughtful responses in this thread has eased my worries a little, so thanks ladies. I''m not pleased that others go through this, but I thought I was the only one who could worry/be disappointed/sabotage holidays with the "what ifs".

My bf doesn''t do surprises. Actually, he just takes me shopping right before Christmas and lets me pick out a few things. And I am grateful and touched that he wants me to get something that I want. But I also know he''s sort of lazy about these things and it''s a lot easier to do it that way. This Christmas I wouldn''t let him take me shopping for me and I know he hasn''t gone on his own. He MAY go run out Christmas eve while I''m working and grab me something. Or not.

Gosh re-reading that it sounds so selfish and materialistic. But it''s not about the presents, (well, mostly it''s not!) it''s more about the effort and thought. We bought a new car this year, so I know I won''t be getting a ring. But he is mentioning a stand-in sort of ring but I can''t tell if he is kidding. And then there''s that part of me going, "well, maybe he found a great price and it will be in my stocking and..." Or, we''re going on a getaway (first one ever, not counting Disneyland an hour away) and I think, "maybe we''ll pick one out in Carmel!"

Yikes. I feel like I sound like a brat.

I promise I''m really sweet and I''m nice most of the time!

 

[jennypoo]

I'm likely going to be extremely disappointed. My BF has always told me he would never propose on a "predictable" date like Christmas, but that naive little voice in my head still holds on to the possibility that me might surprise me. But I doubt it. This Christmas will be extra disappointing for me because three years ago, he gave me a promise ring and swore to me that I'd have an e-ring by 2007. Well obviously, that hasn't happened. I reminded him of this the other day, and he laughingly told me he "needs an extension". I was like, what the hell for? You've had three years to do this! To which he replied, "Babe, I've had a LOT longer than that!" (We've been dating for 8 years and own a house together. I'm 26, he's 27).

He keeps telling me that I probably won't like my Christmas present. I asked him for a hint, and all he says is, "It's something you showed me awhile ago, but it's NOT a ring." Part me hopes this is a put on, because obviously he wouldn't tell me if it WAS a ring, but then again, he may be telling the truth.

I overheard him talking to his mother on the phone back in October. She talks SO loud I could basically hear everything she was saying. I was milling around in the kitchen trying to get dinner ready, and he was just steps away. At one point I heard her say, "So do you think you'll give Jen her DIAMOND before Christmas?" He froze in the spot he was standing and stammered, "Uh, you might not want to say that so LOUD!" Then he turned away and paused a few more seconds, waiting to see if I'd heard, then said, "Yeah, probably." But the thing is, the last few words after "DIAMOND" were muddled. So I've come up with other possible endings to that sentence, which include:

"So, do you think you'll give Jen her diamond FOR Christmas?"
"So, do you think you'll have Jen's diamond BEFORE Christmas?"

All I know is I definitely heard "JEN", "DIAMOND" and "CHRISTMAS" in the same sentence.

I've dissected this to death. His reaction was so bizarre that it twigged me to really start wondering if this could be it. But, he's given mixed signals before and I totally read into everything.

Sorry this is so long, but the bottom line is, if it doesn't happen at SOME POINT over the holidays, I will be bitterly disappointed.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 12/20/2007 7:11:47 PM
Author: jennypoo
At one point I heard her say, 'So do you think you'll give Jen her DIAMOND before Christmas?' He froze in the spot he was standing and stammered, 'Uh, you might not want to say that so LOUD!' Then he turned away and paused a few more seconds, waiting to see if I'd heard, then said, 'Yeah, probably.' But the thing is, the last few words after 'DIAMOND' were muddled. So I've come up with other possible endings to that sentence, which include:


'So, do you think you'll give Jen her diamond FOR Christmas?'

'So, do you think you'll have Jen's diamond BEFORE Christmas?'


All I know is I definitely heard 'JEN', 'DIAMOND' and 'CHRISTMAS' in the same sentence.


I've dissected this to death.

Hahaha, oh, Jenny, I think you and I might be sisters. I totally over-analyze everything and would have thought up THE most elaborate scenarios to explain those words to try and account for every possibility! I would absolutely have driven myself loopy and would be clawing at the walls by now if I'd overheard that, if it's any consolation.

 

[Pandora II]

I really thought that FI might propose for my birthday in August 2006 when I was really starting to get engagement fever.

Instead he gave me surprise eurostar tickets to Bruges in Belgium and 2 hours to pack. He added - I was going to go to Antwerp, but thought you''d think I was going to buy diamonds and didn''t want you to get your hopes up.

I was glad he told me straight out - and we had an amazing time without my wondering if he was going to propose at any moment - but I was a bit disappointed. Okay, a LOT disappointed!


I didn''t even bother putting my name on the ''Ladies hoping for a Christmas Proposal'' thread last year as I knew it wouldn''t happen.

He blew me away with an out of the blue Christmas Eve proposal.

Mind you, he proposed without a ring, so I had not the slightest hint that it was coming!

 

[Deelight]

I have no expectations of any holiday, birthday proposals mainly because I have flat out told him not to as that cheats me out of a present

to which he laughed. But yeah it is hard when you think maybe this anniversary or NYE etc but now that I have a fairly reasonable idea of when (not oh so much longer now ) it kinda alleviates that feeling in the mean time though I get to look at as many sparklies as I like so it really is okay with me

 

[sweetjettagirl04]

I specifically asked him not to do it on a holiday or my birthday, but, deep down, I don''t care what day it is. I keep wanting to tell him it would be okay, but I don''t want to ruin something he might have planned. I''m very anxious for it to happen, although I''m starting to have the feeling it won''t happen until after. I had made the comment to him that I was hoping we would have been engaged by this Christmas, and I got a reaction I wasn''t expecting. It was "I did, too. Things didn''t work out the way I wanted them to, and now I''m just trying to figure out the perfect time to do it." Then, being the wise LIW I am, I said no more about it.

Although, he is trained now to change the channel everytime a stupid jewelry commerical comes on...

 

[jennypoo]

Date: 12/21/2007 9:46:50 AM
Author: gwendolyn
Hahaha, oh, Jenny, I think you and I might be sisters. I totally over-analyze everything and would have thought up THE most elaborate scenarios to explain those words to try and account for every possibility! I would absolutely have driven myself loopy and would be clawing at the walls by now if I''d overheard that, if it''s any consolation.

Thanks Gwendolyn! Ever since I heard that, I''ve been playing it over, and over, and over... running through all of the possibilities, and basically driving myself NUTS! I just want Christmas to get here already so I can find out once and for all!

 

[*RubyRN*]

This is a good thread! It''s so exciting to read about all the lucky LIWs who got engaged over the holidays (and I''m sure there will be more come New Years), but it''s also nice to have a place for those of us who are disappointed to discuss without bringing them down

Plus, I could really use some advice.

A couple months ago I thought maybe my BF would propose this holiday season, but as it approached I could tell that he wasn''t going to. One of the hardest parts of all this is trying to hide your disappointment and actually be happy about what you did get. I normally would be thrilled with the gifts I got, as they were very thoughtful and I loved them.. but it was hard knowing that there was no proposal coming even though I didn''t entirely expect there to be one. Just hoped

.

Then to top it off, we got in an argument right before going to a family dinner a couple nights ago. I think it was set off by the fact that I was super stressed from work, and not looking forward to going to dinner with our families who I''m sure were expecting us to show up engaged (as they have been expecting at every family gathering for awhile) and of course, we''re not. He told me he feels that I resent him for something and that I''ve been trying to hide it but it''s not working. I told him that I try to be honest with him about how hard it is to want to get engaged and married and have to wait as long as I have (we''ve been dating for over 6 years and I started really getting the itch about a year ago), and that the incredible stress I''ve had with my job (which is negatively affecting both of us) this year combined with feeling like he''s never going to actually propose is really getting to me. I guess I didn''t realize that it was bothering me so much that it was obvious to him, and now I feel terrible as he thinks I "resent" him

.

I guess I just feel stuck. This has been probably the most difficult year of my life and our relationship due to so many factors. I still don''t think he truly understands how hard this is for me (and believe me, I have tried to communicate this to him several times), and although we have had a timeline talk, I worry that the reason he doesn''t want to get engaged right now is because he doesn''t want to "put a band-aid" on the problems we are having this year by proposing and hoping it all gets better.. and I agree with this and would be much happier getting engaged when things are a bit better and there is less stress, but I just feel so impatient. I love him and want to spend my life with him, and I don''t want our relationship to suffer anymore, but I don''t know what to do to make it better right now

Thanks for listening, and sorry if I hijacked- didn''t mean to write so much but it just kept coming!

 

[Aloros]

He practically told me it was going to happen over the next week and a half (and I didn''t expect an Xmas proposal), so I''m still crossing my fingers.

We''re taking Friday off from work to just bum around at home, and since he knows very well that I''d be mortified by a public proposal, I''m hoping it happens then.

Til then... *twiddles thumbs*!

 

[designchica]

Date: 12/26/2007 10:14:05 AM
Author: *RubyRN*
This is a good thread! It''s so exciting to read about all the lucky LIWs who got engaged over the holidays (and I''m sure there will be more come New Years), but it''s also nice to have a place for those of us who are disappointed to discuss without bringing them down

Plus, I could really use some advice.

A couple months ago I thought maybe my BF would propose this holiday season, but as it approached I could tell that he wasn''t going to. One of the hardest parts of all this is trying to hide your disappointment and actually be happy about what you did get. I normally would be thrilled with the gifts I got, as they were very thoughtful and I loved them.. but it was hard knowing that there was no proposal coming even though I didn''t entirely expect there to be one. Just hoped

.

Then to top it off, we got in an argument right before going to a family dinner a couple nights ago. I think it was set off by the fact that I was super stressed from work, and not looking forward to going to dinner with our families who I''m sure were expecting us to show up engaged (as they have been expecting at every family gathering for awhile) and of course, we''re not. He told me he feels that I resent him for something and that I''ve been trying to hide it but it''s not working. I told him that I try to be honest with him about how hard it is to want to get engaged and married and have to wait as long as I have (we''ve been dating for over 6 years and I started really getting the itch about a year ago), and that the incredible stress I''ve had with my job (which is negatively affecting both of us) this year combined with feeling like he''s never going to actually propose is really getting to me. I guess I didn''t realize that it was bothering me so much that it was obvious to him, and now I feel terrible as he thinks I ''resent'' him

.

I guess I just feel stuck. This has been probably the most difficult year of my life and our relationship due to so many factors. I still don''t think he truly understands how hard this is for me (and believe me, I have tried to communicate this to him several times), and although we have had a timeline talk, I worry that the reason he doesn''t want to get engaged right now is because he doesn''t want to ''put a band-aid'' on the problems we are having this year by proposing and hoping it all gets better.. and I agree with this and would be much happier getting engaged when things are a bit better and there is less stress, but I just feel so impatient. I love him and want to spend my life with him, and I don''t want our relationship to suffer anymore, but I don''t know what to do to make it better right now

Thanks for listening, and sorry if I hijacked- didn''t mean to write so much but it just kept coming!

Hi Ruby,

I just wanted to let you know that your post really touched me...I can relate to so much of how you are feeling. You are not alone girl! So much of what you said, I have found myself saying as well. Hugs to you! Hang in there.

 

[*RubyRN*]

Thanks, designchica

I''m hangin with all my might.. it''s been tough, though. It always helps to know that I''m not alone, so thanks

 

[brooklyngirl]

sorry you''re having a hard time! Internet hugs --->

I fully empathize with how you''re feeling, as I have been there myself for quite some time. I fully believe that this whole LIW syndrome comes from having someone else in control of your future without necessarily giving you a say in it. When you think about it, something like that would make any person feel resentful and depressed!

It''s especially hard when you have to keep instense and hurtful feelings hidden from the person closest to you (and, naturally the cause of said feelings). Even when you don''t hide, it''s impossible to articulate them to someone who''se never been a PIW. IMO It''s a good thing that he sees something is wrong (I would be suprised if he didn''t notice), and hopefully it will serve to warn him (on a daily basis) of what he stands to lose if he doesn''t make the commitment you''re looking for.

You say in your post that you feel like it''s never going to happen, but I hope you''re just saying that out of frustration, because if you really think that, perhaps it''s time to move on, and find someone who will be ready when you are! From my own experience, being a LIW can put tremendous strain on a relationship, and to compound it with a stressful job serves to make life unbearable at times. As much as this whole things sucks, it''s important to know that this too shall pass, and you''ll be happy again whether it''s with bf or someone else. Of all things, you must know that you are doing all you can to make things work and be at peace with that.

In the meantime, I would agree that you should wait until the issues in your relationship are worked out to become engaged, but I would carefully consider which of those issues stem from a lack of commitment, as an engagement will make those disappear. It helps to have a clear plan outlining what needs to happen prior to engagement, this way you''re never left feeling like it''s just not going to happen, and at any point you will know how much farther you have to go. Talk to you SO and figure out where he stands, and what he wants to happen before you two make the leap. As a matter of fact there was a poster here (for get her name) who decided that the two of them will sit down together on a pre-determined date, and decide together whether they should get married. Even though this (sort of) takes away the element of surprise, I would give up the surprise any day over my sanity and any suffering inflicted on an otherwise great relationship.

Hang in there, and let us know how things go.

Wishing ou all the best!
-K

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 12/21/2007 5:38:19 PM
Author: jennypoo

Date: 12/21/2007 9:46:50 AM

Author: gwendolyn

Hahaha, oh, Jenny, I think you and I might be sisters. I totally over-analyze everything and would have thought up THE most elaborate scenarios to explain those words to try and account for every possibility! I would absolutely have driven myself loopy and would be clawing at the walls by now if I''d overheard that, if it''s any consolation.

Thanks Gwendolyn! Ever since I heard that, I''ve been playing it over, and over, and over... running through all of the possibilities, and basically driving myself NUTS! I just want Christmas to get here already so I can find out once and for all!

So? Did anything happen? I need to know!!

 

[jennypoo]

Date: 12/27/2007 7:45:47 PM
Author: gwendolyn

Date: 12/21/2007 5:38:19 PM

Author: jennypoo

Date: 12/21/2007 9:46:50 AM


Author: gwendolyn


Hahaha, oh, Jenny, I think you and I might be sisters. I totally over-analyze everything and would have thought up THE most elaborate scenarios to explain those words to try and account for every possibility! I would absolutely have driven myself loopy and would be clawing at the walls by now if I'd overheard that, if it's any consolation.

Thanks Gwendolyn! Ever since I heard that, I've been playing it over, and over, and over... running through all of the possibilities, and basically driving myself NUTS! I just want Christmas to get here already so I can find out once and for all!

So? Did anything happen? I need to know!!

Sadly, no.

I even had a weak moment and confronted him about the convo, and he had no idea what I was talking about. He could tell I was crushed on Christmas morning when I opened my gift. It was a beautiful diamond and sapphire necklace, but so obviously not what I was hoping for. Both his family and my family asked if I got my diamond for Christmas, and I think that made him feel even worse. But I don't care, it's more than overdue.

 

[EricaR]

Date: 12/28/2007 7:24:42 AM
Author: jennypoo


Sadly, no.

Oh man!!! I had been keeping my fingers crossed for you. How frustrating!!!!!

 

[jennypoo]

Date: 12/28/2007 6:07:42 PM
Author: EricaR

Date: 12/28/2007 7:24:42 AM

Author: jennypoo



Sadly, no.

Oh man!!! I had been keeping my fingers crossed for you. How frustrating!!!!!

Awww, thanks EricaR! It''s comforting to know that people are pulling for me.

 

[Silvermist]

I read what you all had to say and I had to reply. I couldn''t help but well up with tears because I so relate to how you all are feeling. It really stinks when you get your hopes up and nothing happens year after year. And, inevitably, one of your friends comes bouncing up to you with excitement because they got a ring for Christmas. And then the tug of war begins. You are truly happy for your friends but deep down inside it really hurts. And it''s hard to hold back the tears. The worst part is that everyone one around you then has to ask you and your bf that horrible question, "So when are you guys going to get married?" Everytime it''s like a knife through my heart. I just don''t know what to say them.

It''s hard not to be hurt and it''s hard not to be resentful. But, I think that a lot of the replies are right. You just have to try not to let it get to you. I try everyday to not take it so personally.

I am just so glad that I found this message board and that I am not alone!

 

[chocolatefudge]

Just want to agree with everything that has been said so far on this thread. I didn''t get a proposal Christmas morning although I''ve been dreaming of it since July..... Oh well, I thought I did a really great job of not being disappointed. Anyway, then we get to my mum''s and she announces that my cousin and his girlfriend have announced they are getting married and the date is set for May ''09. I had a stupid grin plastered across my face and even managed to ask a few questions without bursting into tears. It''s not that I aren''t happy for my cousin but I''m gutted that it isn''t me!! How selfish is that?!? Then I start thinking really childish things like "My cousin must love his gf more than my bf loves me."
It''s coming up to 7 years, how much longer???

Phew! Rant over!! Sorry about that everyone

Now I''m setting my hopes up for New Years Eve, and if not it''s my birthday in February, then there''s Valentines Day........ I''m a woman obsessed!!

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 12/28/2007 7:24:42 AM
Author: jennypoo
Sadly, no.

I even had a weak moment and confronted him about the convo, and he had no idea what I was talking about. He could tell I was crushed on Christmas morning when I opened my gift. It was a beautiful diamond and sapphire necklace, but so obviously not what I was hoping for. Both his family and my family asked if I got my diamond for Christmas, and I think that made him feel even worse. But I don''t care, it''s more than overdue.

Oh, honey, I am so sorry you were disappointed! I had all my fingers and toes crossed for you because it sounded SO promising and because I am just like you with the analyzing thing... Not to sound harsh or anything, but I think it is a good thing that your boyfriend felt badly about it. Sounds like he needs a bit of a kick in the pants to me.

 

[jennypoo]

Date: 12/30/2007 8:15:52 AM
Author: chocolatefudge
Just want to agree with everything that has been said so far on this thread. I didn't get a proposal Christmas morning although I've been dreaming of it since July..... Oh well, I thought I did a really great job of not being disappointed. Anyway, then we get to my mum's and she announces that my cousin and his girlfriend have announced they are getting married and the date is set for May '09. I had a stupid grin plastered across my face and even managed to ask a few questions without bursting into tears. It's not that I aren't happy for my cousin but I'm gutted that it isn't me!! How selfish is that?!? Then I start thinking really childish things like 'My cousin must love his gf more than my bf loves me.'

It's coming up to 7 years, how much longer???


Phew! Rant over!! Sorry about that everyone


Now I'm setting my hopes up for New Years Eve, and if not it's my birthday in February, then there's Valentines Day........ I'm a woman obsessed!!

I'm with ya, sister! I've been with D for just over 8 years. We both have good jobs and quite frankly, there is no reason under the sun for him not having proposed to me. His mother introduced to me someone recently as "D's fiancee" and I simply looked down at my left hand and said, "Uh, there's no ring here yet." This, of course, did not go over well with D, but I certainly appreciated his mother's efforts to show that it's about darn time!

Gwen: Thanks, hon. He DOES need a fire lit under his butt to get things rolling.

Silvermist: You are most definitely NOT alone and I for one am SO happy I found this place. It's comforting to know that other people are going through the same thing. I'm pulling for all you girls. I am so sick and tired of hearing about yet another friend or acquaintance getting engaged. It's gotten to the point where I just don't care to hear about it anymore.