BM drama - help?

[Mannequin]

I''ve cried, fumed, and pondered over this for a few days and before I respond to them I need some advice.

Here is the setup: I spent over a month this summer arranging meetings with my BMs and my jr BM to go and look at dresses at David''s. I chose the chain because it is relatively inexpensive, it has a lot of sizes to try on unlike many bridal shops, and with girls spread out all over (most in Michigan, one in Maryland) it is fairly convenient to get to for them to order and get alterations. They all tried on dresses and separates, we took pictures, all smiles and sunshine from everyone. No problems.

Two weeks ago I heard from my mother that my 19 year old FSIL is complaining about the David''s dresses to my FMIL and they want to look around at more dresses. Realizing that FSIL has never been a bridesmaid before and is an undisciplined princess who is used to having everything her way, I decided to at least be nice and make an effort and said I would look at dresses with the two of them. I tried to set up times to go last week, but they were both busy. Later, I find out that both my FSIL and FMIL were suddenly freed from their prior commitments and went out to multiple bridal salons on two separate days without me, and they did not bother to call me or let me know that they were doing so even though they knew I wanted to come, too. Um, hello, I''m the bride? HOW DARE YOU leave me out of my own wedding planning!!![:angryfire:]

Instead, I got this email from FMIL that says how the quality of the dresses and the selection were awful when she and FSIL went to David''s, and how they have seen lots of other dresses in my colors in other shops that are much nicer for only a little more money, and how I should accompany the girls to these other salons and compare the quality. She sent me style #s for two dresses that she and FSIL loved, too, how thoughtful... Nevermind that I''ve just had all five of them visit a David''s this summer and that weeks later the only complaint is FSIL''s, who might not be so concerned about this one-time-use fancy outfit if she didn''t dress like a thrift store reject on a daily basis. Nevermind that cost is an issue for three of these BMs and FI''s mother and stepfather can throw around money like you wouldn''t believe. Nevermind that the dresses FSIL and FMIL liked are strapless, when FSIL has gross pimples all over the backs of her shoulders and is the only one out of the bunch with knockers so the other three poor girls will be tugging away all night at ill-fitting tops that slide down. Nevermind that neither of them has asked to assist or offered any help with anything wedding related other than a guest list all summer and that redoing all of this would be an effort I don''t want to make with time that I don''t really have.

FMIL says that "the ultimate decision is yours and the girls will respect your wishes," but they are showing no respect or regard for the hours upon hours of time I spent looking at websites and magazines to get dress ideas, driving around to look at dresses in shops, and traveling to David''s around the state of Michigan to meet with all of my girls. I hadn''t 100% committed to having the girls buy from David''s, but I don''t know if I can get something else figured out before I run out of time to browse shops and website pictures. They want me to go back to square one, with only two and a half weeks to go until I begin teaching a new school year and tons of other wedding planning and prep work for middle school yet to be accomplished. ARGH!

FI knows I am upset, but I have asked him to stay out of this until I request his assistance because he really doesn''t understand the significance of them going shopping without me and how much work it is going to be for me to get more dresses chosen, find places that carry each style, and arrange and attend try-on sessions all over again for four girls all over Michigan and one girl in Maryland. My mother knows what is going on and is willing to go to bat for me on this, and I have an email composed and ready to send/edit and send if needed.

Any advice or thoughts on this matter, BIWs? Please help?

 

[diamondfan]

I think it takes some balls to go without you and look at things, then present it to you like, hey, just switcheroo because WE want to, and make it work with everyone else. Seems sneaky to me. I have a few points to make...

1. It is your wedding. If you ask them to participate and they accept, they need to be go along gals, unless you are being a total bridezilla. Quite the opposite, you seem to be very considerate.

2. No one really cares about how they look, no offense. You are the star of the show. Period.

3. No one wants to waste money, but unless they want to pay the difference on everyone's dress (assuming you liked anything else) they need to be quiet. If money is no issue for them, then they will just be paying for a dress they are not going to wear again. Won't be the first time in bridal history, nor the last.

4. I think you have the right to say, gee, I get where you are coming from, but here are the issues influencing me. If you are going to be part of my wedding by being in the bridal party, I need you to just understand this and accept what I am asking. (I suppose they would not be so rude as to bow out over the dresss? and the zit thing is just nasty...who wants to look at that, it is not her fault, but clearly, we do not need to showcase during the wedding?!)

I am not sure I have helped, but it burns me up when a bride is being fair and reasonable and people act the way they are acting...they are missing the point here, in mho.

 

[AmberWaves]

Equestrienne, I''m so sorry she is doing this! Is it possible to let her wear whatever, and give your other BMs the option of getting it, or not? OR, could you tell your FMIL that if they want to get this dress, and some of the other girls can''t afford it, they can pay for it? Because: "We all gathered TOGETHER to find dresses they all can wear, afford and look good in, and I think we shoud stick to MY plan." Just tell her you went through a lot of trouble to find these dresses, and since this is YOUR wedding, you would like it the way you want it. Sorry, equestrienne. Your FMIL sounds like a real hag.

My SIL had to deal with a MIL from hell for her wedding day, too. This woman picked out TWO dresses to wear for the wedding- BEFORE the mother of the bride, which is tradition, ya know? And when they had to postpone the wedding because the bride''s grandma DIED, the MIL was like, well, I can''t return these dresses! Well, you shoudn''t have bought them ANYWAY!

Again, so sorry.. *hugs*

 

[JulieN]

maybe you could just say that you don''t think strapless is appropriate, which closes the door in a firm but inoffensive way.

but, they might go and pick out more dresses which are not strapless...

 

[diamondfan]

Date: 8/9/2006 1:39:24 AM
Author: JulieN
maybe you could just say that you don''t think strapless is appropriate, which closes the door in a firm but inoffensive way.

but, they might go and pick out more dresses which are not strapless...

I think you are right, they would just go around what she says. that is why I would just be direct in a nice way (even though I think what they did was pretty snarky)...

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Ohhh...that sucks! How stressful! Bottom line this is your wedding and your decision. If you love the first dress be firm and say this is it. Period. Remember that she IS 19 which is pretty young and obviously has different views of what it is to be a bridesmaid than the rest of us. I think the idea of telling her strapless is inappropriate (if you are so against it) is a good idea. Sometimes it''s hard to be the bigger person but remember you are marrying into her family and are suck with this people for a very, very long time

 

[vizsla]

yuck! that just plain ''ol sucks!

from a former bridesmaid''s perspective... never ever ever!!! would i consider telling the bride what i wanted to wear unless she asked point blank.. that''s just rude to give unsolicited opinions on matters like this.

and it is just one day that you are will be wearing this dress.. who cares if it''s the best of the best.. as long as it fits and looks good right?

i will say that the bride (for whom i was a bridesmaid) did comment that picking out the bm dresses was the most stressful part of the planning process... who would have thunk?

good luck.. and stick to your guns! you are the bride and you get to pick... ''nuff said

 

[decodelighted]

Ahhhh. You remind me why, despite three lovely sisters and three super close friends, I have a single "DUDE of Honor".

Okay. This sucks. NO WAY should you sacrifice YOURSELF & the appearance/budget of the OTHER GIRLS just to please ONE.

"Thanks for researching other dresses, but I''ve decided to stick to the one we all selected first. I believe it will be the most flattering and affordable option for the group as a whole."

Honestly, she really just feels like she''s picking out a prom dress & it''s HER HER HER. She has NO IDEA about all the other stuff & her mom is just making things worse. WE''VE ALL had to wear "sucky" bridesmaid dresses along the way. And I''m sure the one you picked out is WAY BETTER than most!

 

[firebirdgold]

Spoiled Bratitis! Why do I have the feeling that her thirft-store look is designer? (I''m from LA, I know how much money people can spend on looking like they shopped at Good Will)

No way should you cater to this spoiled princess! In fact, as a good future family member you should do you best to make sure the younger members of the family turn into decent adults. In other words, it''s your duty to squash this idea.

Seriously, you''ve picked your BM dress, it''s not open for negotiation. If she doesn''t like it she can choose not to be a BM.

 

[regalada]

Equestrienne, my heart goes out to you. I encountered a similar attitude from my sister in law as we prepare for our destination wedding.

We are having a very small wedding and wanted only one person standing by each of us. I picked one of my closest friends but my hubby kept going between his best friend and his sister. He finally settled on his sister and when he asked her, she said she did not want to buy a new dress, that she would wear the dress she wears when she goes to weddings. Anticipating a problem, we asked her to e-mail us a picture. She did, and it turned out to be a skirt set (not a dress) in black with white polka dots. Now, I don''t have anything against polka dots, but our color are white, gold and bronze, and I strongly objected to her wearing something so outside our scheme and so unwedding-like. So I told her the polka dot dress would not work so would she please go find a dress in any style in any of five colors and that we would pay for it. She refused to go shopping for one, this for a person who LOVES shopping. She said that unless she could wear the polka dot dress, she would not stand by us. I didn''t budge but I gave my hubby the option of overriding my decision if it was too important to him to have her. He acknowledged that she was being a brat and decided to ask his best friend instead.

The whole episode will forever be known in our house as "The Polka Dot Incident". It is just one in a long series of fights and whines and complaints from his family since we set a date and a location for our destination wedding. We are employing a "if they don''t like it, tough" atittude to get us through, and a good dose of humor, otherwise we would have lost our minds a while back.

Good luck to you.

 

[Fancy605]

When you FSIL grows up and gets married, she can pick out all the BM dresses she wants. But for now, she should just do her job which is to wear the dress you picked out and say, "It's beautiful, I love it."

Sorry that you are dealing with a bratty bridesmaid. Maybe she will get over herself a little and realize that it doesn't REALLY matter what anyone looks like except YOU, YOURSELF, and YOU because you are the star.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Wow Equestrienne...this is why I can''t stand girls sometimes. I LOVE my girlfriends don''t get me wrong, but the cattiness I refuse to deal with. You said you had an email ready to be sent. What does it say? I think you should send it asap, unless the email is loaded with attacks (which, coming from you I don''t think it is.) I agree with everyone else in that no one will care what the 19 yr old bratty bridesmaid thinks, and they certainly shouldn''t care about what the bridesmaids look like unless the dresses are insane. Again, in your case I don''t think this is true.
You need to put your foot down here. I''ve never been in a wedding or actively involved in wedding planning, but from what I''ve heard from family, friends, and of course PS, this seems to be the start of a MIL and possibly SIL from you know where. Now it''s the dress, but who knows what else she''ll sabotage? With this incident, she''s proving to have the maturity level of her 19 year-old daughter. Not appealing.
I''m sorry your FI doesn''t understand why you''re upset. If I were in this situation, I''m sure my bf would have the same reaction. They just don''t get it. I''m glad your mom is ready to fight for you though!
IMO, I think you should send that email. Or, just send a short two-liner along the lines of "I''m sorry you don''t think I''m respecting everyone''s wishes, but this is my and (insert FI''s name) wedding and you are not respecting us. I tried to meet with you to go shopping, was denied, and you still went without me." I don''t know, that alone would drive me nuts. Talk about disrespect for everyone''s feelings...how about your feelings? Good luck sugar, let us know how it goes!

 

[WTNLVR]

I''m sorry to hear about this and hope you resolve it quickly. I had the same issue with my MOH. She didn''t like the dresses the other bridesmaids agreed on ( I let them choose as a group the 1 dress they liked -only specifying the color blue). Mind you, the MOH couldn''t make the group meeting at the store the day they chose them. So then, she meets me at a later date with HER MOTHER! She tries on the dress and her and her mother try to get me to agree to another dress-mind you I didn''t really know her mother at all! I only had 2 bridesmaids and one MOH so I wanted them all to wear the same dress. This all happened when my father was dying from ALS and I was so stressed to begin with it wasn''t funny. I ended up kicking her out of the wedding and we haven''t spoken in 18 years (this incident showed me her true nature- many details left out). Grant you, you have a problem as it is your FSIL causing trouble. Botton line is it it your day, you have a look envisioned and your wishes should be honored PERIOD! Good luck!

 

[tanyak]

Well, she''s obviously is being a brat. And the thing is, not only is she bugging you about it, but she doesn''t seem to mind that she is causing more disruptions for the other BMs, who probably think the dress thing is pretty much settled now.

Maybe I didn''t read carefully, but do you want them to wear the same dress? I know you said they tried on separates. Maybe you can say: It has to come from Davids, it has to have a long skirt, it has to be red, but you can pick your own top. End of story. Then she could pick a strapless top. I know you said she has bad shoulder acne, or something but I would feel bad telling someone "You can''t wear strapless - your skin is bad." As someone said, few people pay that close attention to the maids and what they are wearing.

I''m sorry you''re going through this.

 

[JessaJS]

Ugh!! I think the ladies previous to me have covered the topic very well, but I wanted to send a HUG your way!!

Stick to your guns and keep your head up!

PS - I''ve had bad luck with e-mails.... I think that sometimes a phone call is best, even if it''s harder. If that doesn''t work, then send the e-mail!!

 

[firebirdgold]

Date: 8/9/2006 1:07:33 PM
Author: IrishAngel

IMO, I think you should send that email. Or, just send a short two-liner along the lines of 'I'm sorry you don't think I'm respecting everyone's wishes, but this is my and (insert FI's name) wedding and you are not respecting us. I tried to meet with you to go shopping, was denied, and you still went without me.' I don't know, that alone would drive me nuts. Talk about disrespect for everyone's feelings...how about your feelings? Good luck sugar, let us know how it goes!

I respectfully disagree. IMO I think you should just drop the whole respect issue and any other potentially hazardous sore points. Just simply state that [you're sorry but (optional)] you've made your decision regarding the bm's dresses and you will be sticking with the David's dress. You could preface it with something about how you appreciate the time and effort they took to look at other possibilities. I've found that truthfulness is highly overrated when it comes to dealing with family, particularly when they're not actually your relatives.

Anything that could possibly be taken as a personal attack should be avoided including saying that you were upset by their actions. I know it's not an attack but what they hear is just not going to bear much relation to what you actually say.
I strongly feel that anything other than massive graciousness on your part is going to start a feud. In fact, I wonder if they aren't trying to make trouble. Maybe not consciously, but unconsciously as close female family can feel threatened or like they're losing their son/brother to another woman. We are the more competitive gender after all.

ETA: I'm voting email since it's easier not to wander off point and accidentally voice your true feelings.

 

[FireGoddess]

Ugh - hate people who think it's all about 'them' ...when it's so NOT about them at all.

I'd simply say that your decision is made, you'll be sticking with the David's Bridal dresses, and when they have their own wedding, they can choose. And then smile sweetly.

 

[SoonIHope]

I agree with everything Indie said - be firm but polite and don''t bring up any of the emotional stuff. Sure, she''ll throw a fit (again), but just smile sweetly and say sorry! decision has been made!

And I''m so sorry you have to deal with this at all!!!

Hopefully once the dress issue is resolved, they won''t start picking fights about anything else!!!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 8/9/2006 1:14:25 AM
Author:equestrienne

FMIL says that 'the ultimate decision is yours and the girls will respect your wishes,' but they are showing no respect or regard for the hours upon hours of time I spent looking at websites and magazines to get dress ideas, driving around to look at dresses in shops, and traveling to David's around the state of Michigan to meet with all of my girls.

I agree with Indie.....I'd drop all the sore points. There is no sense drawing battles lines over something that could ripple through the family for years.

Personallly, I'd likely handle it this way:

"Thanks so much for all your efforts on my behalf. I really appreciate the energy and time you both invested to find more options for me to consider.

The dresses you've found are absolutely lovely, and I've given them careful consideration. After much thought, though, I realize that I really do prefer many things about the dress we selected at David's, and I've decided to stick with our original choice. I know that David's will be the most convenient for most of the girls, and I've grown unexpectedly sentimental about that dress. That's the dress we picked after all shopping together, and it's the one I've been envisioning everyone wearing ever since. (

)

It really means a lot to me that you've not only taken the time to help but have also pledged to support my decision. Let me know if you need the contact information for the David's in your area.

Much love----E"

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Equestrienne, Grr! That''s not a fun situation. I think I''d go with the polite, but assertive response, something similar to what others have said, "thanks for spending the time to help by looking around, but given time constraints and that the majority have the BMS have agreed on this and it is comfortable for them, I think we''ll just stick with this." Yada yada.

Other topic, though: Did you get your horse braid back? I''d love to see it!

 

[diamondfan]

If you keep saying, I understand but this is the final decision...it is really hard for them to argue, since you are saying you understand. You are not putting her on the defensive. Again, I think that they are in the wrong, and if they want to be that petty over a dress, then they can chose not to be in the wedding. Not your problem. You have been more than fair and tried to be even handed about it all, which is tough, and I think you really owe them nothing.

 

[sk8rjen]

Equestrienne-- nothing new to add, just wanted to let you know my heart''s going out to ya! Like you need THIS to deal with. You sound like you''ve gone out of your way to do more than many brides will to accomodate everyone, and that wonderful quality in you is being taken advantage of! I''m sorry -- and I also hope you stand your ground and do what''s best for YOU and the GROUP as a whole!
jen

 

[Gypsy]

JAY ZUZ! That''s ridiculous! I agree what what everyone else said. Deco''s diplomatic line was right on target. Just be firm and try not to smack the brat. HUGS!

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Hmm...I agree that passive-aggressive isn''t the way to go. I apologize everyone, I was a little bit irked when I read your post because I was sucked into bachelorette party drama, and I''m not even in the wedding! My friends and I thought bachelorette parties are for the bride, but a few of the bride''s friends think it should be only about them and what they want to do next weekend, so I''m worried.

Sorry, onto your situation. How''s it going E? I do think it''s important that you have some sort of communication be it email, phone call, or face to face, so your feelings on the subject are known. It may be a good idea to repeat the phrase "I understand, but ..." because then there''s nothing to fight about. I just hope they''re not purposely causing trouble, and refrain from raising drama in the future! Good luck!

 

[jas]

Eq -- nothing new to add but a big ol'' PU to the BM situation. Here you are, being very considerate to BMs, and they seem to be acting like you are being anything but considerate.

I''m awfully tempted to create a line of bridal vodoo dolls...BMs, FILs, vendors...I think I''d make a ton.

Hang in there girl...it''s tough for grown women to be in situations like this...even though it''s about us (as a couple)* as my dad put it, many people filter these weddings through their own lens. It''s all about them. And grown women often try to be pleasers...

Let us know how it''s going!

Jackie

*Not "us" as in you and me, Eq...

 

[nytemist]

I think it is so ridiculous that people will always try to make someone else''s wedding about them in some kind of way. She is doing it by thinking some other dress would be so much better for her, blah, blah, blah... My MOH is mildly doing this; thinking being in my wedding is shining a spotlight on her single stauts.

It''s quite simply handled:

"I don''t appreciate the second shoping trip without me since I already chose the dress I would like for all of you to wear. If you are so against the style, you don''t have to be in the wedding. It''s your choice."

Done.

 

[Mannequin]

Thank you all so much for the advice and comments above. I love you guys! I really need support like this right now because I truly feel overwhelmed by everything that is going into planning my wedding on top of my career and personal life.

I took my original email and sent it to my mother, who called me and we had a long discussion over how I am feeling and what the situation is. It helped somewhat and gave me a little brighter perspective on everything, though I am still frustrated over having to go over the dress issue again. She helped me find pictures of a B2 dress (http://www.jasminebridal.com/html/web1/b2_2_photo1.asp?id=141) and a Dessy dress (http://www.dessy.com/index.cfm?go=dresses&style=2040&color=periwinkle) last weekend when all of this crap was starting to stir up. She suggested forwarding them to FMIL with an edited version of my message, which I did, and now I have to "make nice" and find time at least go to a few stores with them and have FSIL try on more stuff. I am still retaining bride power and will default to David''s if FSIL turns on the whine again after this.

Bear with me as I vent:

On dresses:
The wedding is supposed to be July 28. 2007. I had told the girls in the beginning that we were going to use David''s due to cost/locations/variety of separates in periwinkle. I wasn''t even all that concerned over the girls looking the same, as long as they all were wearing a dress or separates in tea length peri. If this year is any indication of what that weekend will be like next summer, it will be hot and we will all melt into a bridal party puddle, so that rules out long length and anything in satin or similar heavy weight fabrics. I know that David''s does not have a huge selection that fits that picture, but there were a number of pieces that could easily work well on all of them. FSIL apparently thought that there would be more shopping involved and did not want to be the only one complaining about the choices at David''s so she got FMIL involved. I don''t know if maybe she thought there was going to be some big afternoon group shopping outing or some huge slumber party set-up where all of the girls would get together and make smoothies and look through magazines for dresses or what. If it took me over a month just to get them all to set up a time to try on dresses in the first place, I can''t forsee a time other than possibly over the Christmas holidays when all of them might have time to be in one bridal shop at the same time. I do not have the time for this right now since no one took any initiative to pursue other outfits until just this past week. Whenever we went to David''s to try things on and I asked opinions what they liked, I got one of those "I like this but you can do whatever you want, you''re the bride" answers. I am thankful that I still have time to figure this out because a BM dress can be ordered and received fairly quickly, but with so much else going on for me at the moment, it is an inconvenience to have to stop and search the web for more dresses, find stores that carry these other styles, figure out a day and time when FSIL and FMIL are available to meet and I am also free, and call and attempt to make another round of appointments with dress shops.

On attendants:
I have five girls who are in the bridal party. Now, I haven''t really asked for much help with planning this wedding all summer, but not much assistance has been offered. My Jr. BM is 12 and too young to really get involved with much - understandable. My cousin is on the verge of stress overload. She is living three hours away taking a heavy schedule of grad classes in a physician''s assistant program and her family is in crisis with my uncle''s cancer right now, so even though she has expressed a willingness to help out, she reasonably cannot be asked much of right now. My FI''s cousin is the only one who seems thrilled over this, but she works full time and goes to school at night and I always have to call her. FSIL is a pothead and needs a swift backhanding most days. My MOH stresses me out the most. She is moving to Maryland this weekend and has had nothing to do with my planning all summer other than one day of trying on dresses and one evening of looking at magazines with me. She was working odd hours part time and was never available to come and see me for any other wedding stuff, I had to visit her. She is my best friend but I feel like most of the time I am a better friend to her than she is to me. She has been so wrapped up in her own life this past year that I feel like this wedding is the last big thing I should allow myself to rely on her for. I have already offered the opportunity to step down from MOH and be a BM instead, but she said nothing. I honestly don''t know how much time she will be able to devote to helping me with a wedding from miles and miles away.

On FI:
He really didn''t understand how much this has all been getting to me until last night. We came back from our first required counseling visit (the fill-in-the-bubble survey one) and I had so much on my mind that I completely broke down. I told him how I love the idea of marriage to him, but how I am having trouble loving the wedding planning because I feel like I am the only one doing anything to make progress on this. I haven''t asked him for much because he has been preoccupied with taking the bar exam and starting his first job this summer, and I fear I indulged him too much on this. I tried to have him look at invitations once and that was fruitless. I did ask for help with the entertainment recently and he said he''d be happy to help, but when I gave him the list of websites for DJs and music services I spent hours looking at and the sample CDs that I had sent away for, he spent one evening on it, said "I''d like a band", and did not address it again. I told him how much that bothered me and how I feel unsatisfied with the effort he has put into OUR wedding so far, and that if he and I don''t have enthusiastic or available close friends to help plan this then we NEED to make it a team effort. He has agreed to try and be more involved in the planning, but I know I can only rely on his assistance to a certain extent because he has no patience for flowers or invitations. I''ve always said "Vegas followed by a barbecue" but he freaks out at the thought of eloping and though it''s so much extra work, I feel like later I would regret not having a traditional wedding.

I want to feel like a bride who has all kinds of happy enthusiastic support, but I don''t. I have a hard time asking people to do things for me in any situation, wedding included, and I don''t want to burden anyone with more time demands and financial obligations than necessary. I know I can''t possibly expect everyone to be excited about my wedding and to shower me with enthusiasm and assistance, because one will ever be as consumed with planning my wedding as I am. I still can''t help but feel horrible about the situation and that I could be overreacting whether I have a right to do so or not.

Thanks for letting me ramble away.

 

[MelissaSue]

Wow! You must be marrying my husbands long lost brother because that sounds EXACTLY like something my MIL/SIL would have done.. (and my SIL is also a 19 y/o princess used to getting her own way).. My MIL would complain about things like "quality" if she thought that I wasn''t spending enough money for her tastes..

Anyway.. you certainly can''t make everyone happy. You should either make the decision YOURSELF (which is what I did.. I asked opinions but everyone wanted something a little different in the end).. or let the Majority rule.. and no matter what your FMIL thinks.. SHE doesn''t get a vote.. because she''s not a BM..

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 8/10/2006 1:46:06 PM
Author: equestrienne

told him how I love the idea of marriage to him, but how I am having trouble loving the wedding planning because I feel like I am the only one doing anything to make progress on this. I haven''t asked him for much because he has been preoccupied with taking the bar exam and starting his first job this summer, and I fear I indulged him too much on this. I tried to have him look at invitations once and that was fruitless. I did ask for help with the entertainment recently and he said he''d be happy to help, but when I gave him the list of websites for DJs and music services I spent hours looking at and the sample CDs that I had sent away for, he spent one evening on it, said ''I''d like a band'', and did not address it again. I told him how much that bothered me and how I feel unsatisfied with the effort he has put into OUR wedding so far,

I want to feel like a bride who has all kinds of happy enthusiastic support, but I don''t. I have a hard time asking people to do things for me in any situation, wedding included, and I don''t want to burden anyone with more time demands and financial obligations than necessary. I know I can''t possibly expect everyone to be excited about my wedding and to shower me with enthusiasm and assistance, because one will ever be as consumed with planning my wedding as I am. I still can''t help but feel horrible about the situation and that I could be overreacting whether I have a right to do so or not.

Thanks for letting me ramble away.

Ok, what I''m about to say is gonna sound a little harsh, but please take it in the vein I mean it --- which is trying to be helpful.

This is *your* wedding. Yours and his. Eq, weddings are a funny thing....some people don''t want to offer for fear of stepping on your toes and feeling as though they are taking something away from you by offering. They may not feel welcome to offer unless they get the nod from you....by way of an invitation to help by asking them.

Of course it feels like you''re doing everything yourself----you are. And it''s because you haven''t opened your mouth and asked anyone to help. You''re sweet to worry about others'' schedules, but you aren''t doing yourself any favors.

Have enough faith in people to ask them to help, and trust that they also have mouths and will be candid if they are unable to do something.

Please, too, understand that to others, your wedding feels like MONTHS away.....so they aren''t likely thinking of it as much as you are.

I''d be really careful about how you express your distress at the BM/dress thing, because others who hear that might interpret it as "she''s feeling offended that we tried to help." I can see that''s not it.....you''re bothered by the way they are trying to manipulate the dress selection to suit their own preferences.....but others hearing that may not make the distinction.

Lastly, a bit of reality on the husband front: don''t get your hopes up. Most men feel grossly inadequate at planning anything to do with a wedding (they don''t mind telling you what THEY want, mind you, but they cannot seem to take the ball and run with it themselves), and you''re unlikely to get a lot of help there. Yes, it''s his wedding too.....that''s true and it''s fair.....but you''ll wait forever if you wait for him.

I asked my hubby to research for honeymoon.....he said sure. Two months later, hadn''t done a thing. I pointed it out; he phoned a travel agency on a Sat. a.m. to find out they aren''t open weekends. Trolled the internet for an hour, but didn''t come back with "these are the hotel options, here are available flights..." Nothing. I took the task back, realizing that it wasn''t gonna happen.

Marriage is about compromise, and you''re likely to get more cooperation if you let him do things he feels confident doing. So, instead of asking him to call DJs, delegate some of YOUR non-wedding tasks to him so you can make time for wedding tasks. Send him to change the oil in your car, do the grocery shopping, unload the dishwasher.....you get the idea. Offload some of your tasks onto him, and use that time you''ve gained to call the DJs.

His "help with the wedding planning" doesn''t have to be wedding chores; it just has to help contribute to getting the job done.

Best of luck to you - we''ve all been there, and it gets much better when the wedding is over!

 

[jesterjigger]

If you already picked out dresses you like at David''s tell them to go order one. Point out that you already made time to go see dresses with them, however that didn''t work and you don''t have any more time. It''s one day, FSIL can suck it up. I''m sorry she''s being such a brat...but it''s your wedding. Will the other girls be able to pay for more expensive dresses? Especially once you add shoes and hair and other grooming stuff?