BM drama - help?

[Gypsy]

Lastly, a bit of reality on the husband front: don''t get your hopes up. Most men feel grossly inadequate at planning anything to do with a wedding (they don''t mind telling you what THEY want, mind you, but they cannot seem to take the ball and run with it themselves), and you''re unlikely to get a lot of help there. Yes, it''s his wedding too.....that''s true and it''s fair.....but you''ll wait forever if you wait for him.

So true. So VERY true.

 

[Mannequin]

Date: 8/10/2006 6:00:37 PM
Author: aljdewey

Ok, what I''m about to say is gonna sound a little harsh, but please take it in the vein I mean it --- which is trying to be helpful.

This wasn''t harsh at all. Thank you for giving me more things to consider as food for thought.

This is *your* wedding. Yours and his. Eq, weddings are a funny thing....some people don''t want to offer for fear of stepping on your toes and feeling as though they are taking something away from you by offering. They may not feel welcome to offer unless they get the nod from you....by way of an invitation to help by asking them.

I totally get this. I understand that many people won''t give a rat''s a$$ about my wedding because it is MY wedding. The ones who do want to help have been sporadically available but seem to rarely give true feedback or opinions. "Oh how wonderful!" "It''s your wedding." "I''m sure everything will be just lovely." Not that I necessarily want people telling me what to do, but I''d like a little more concrete advice from them when asked.

Of course it feels like you''re doing everything yourself----you are. And it''s because you haven''t opened your mouth and asked anyone to help. You''re sweet to worry about others'' schedules, but you aren''t doing yourself any favors.

Have enough faith in people to ask them to help, and trust that they also have mouths and will be candid if they are unable to do something.

Please, too, understand that to others, your wedding feels like MONTHS away.....so they aren''t likely thinking of it as much as you are.

I realize this more and more as I think about how much stress I am bringing on myself by trying to organize this spectacle. I am struggling with figuring out what I really need to do for the wedding right now and how to go about getting things done once my school year starts. My summer vacation is basically over. I am currently trying to retype and recopy handouts, get presentations made for a new technology system being installed, and get my classroom decorations back up. I guess it really comes down to that I am not sure who to ask to help with what. I may have more luck having my aunt or grandmother assist me than try to rely on indifferent or preoccupied BMs. Thankfully my mother has been and is very involved in everything and though she is an hour away, she is always willing to help.

I''d be really careful about how you express your distress at the BM/dress thing, because others who hear that might interpret it as ''she''s feeling offended that we tried to help.'' I can see that''s not it.....you''re bothered by the way they are trying to manipulate the dress selection to suit their own preferences.....but others hearing that may not make the distinction.

I am keeping this dissatisfaction to myself and my mother and the MOH, who both tend to agree with me. I realize the value of being a bigger person and being gracious and just plain old keeping up appearances if needed. Additional drama over this is certainly not what I want or care to fuel, especially since FMIL and husband have offered a monetary gift to help fund the wedding. FI''s family is way disfunctional for lack of a better descriptor. He''s pick of the litter, so to speak. I have to choose my words and actions carefully around them sometimes already, this situation is no different.

Lastly, a bit of reality on the husband front: don''t get your hopes up. Most men feel grossly inadequate at planning anything to do with a wedding (they don''t mind telling you what THEY want, mind you, but they cannot seem to take the ball and run with it themselves), and you''re unlikely to get a lot of help there. Yes, it''s his wedding too.....that''s true and it''s fair.....but you''ll wait forever if you wait for him.

I asked my hubby to research for honeymoon.....he said sure. Two months later, hadn''t done a thing. I pointed it out; he phoned a travel agency on a Sat. a.m. to find out they aren''t open weekends. Trolled the internet for an hour, but didn''t come back with ''these are the hotel options, here are available flights...'' Nothing. I took the task back, realizing that it wasn''t gonna happen.

My FI was told that he is in complete control of the honeymoon and he gets to surprise me. He really does seem enthusiastic about this, so I am curious as to how and when he is going to tackle it.

Marriage is about compromise, and you''re likely to get more cooperation if you let him do things he feels confident doing. So, instead of asking him to call DJs, delegate some of YOUR non-wedding tasks to him so you can make time for wedding tasks. Send him to change the oil in your car, do the grocery shopping, unload the dishwasher.....you get the idea. Offload some of your tasks onto him, and use that time you''ve gained to call the DJs.

His ''help with the wedding planning'' doesn''t have to be wedding chores; it just has to help contribute to getting the job done.

FI is more of a "man-child" when it comes to doing anything around the house here. He''s pretty helpful if he knows how to do something, but his abilities are extremely limited. His background is quite different from mine. Growing up with a part-time housekeeper, eating out for almost every meal, a micro-managing stepfather who would rather call a handyman so he can boss him around instead of fixing things himself, and a mother who didn''t ask much of him other than to do well in school... the list goes on. I have to do a lot of things for us by default because he doesn''t know how to do them. He has never had to hang a picture or use a barbecue grill or shop for groceries. I am conscious of this and I try to help him gain confidence in many things without ending up feeling like Mommy #2. I think I am better off delegating a few wedding tasks to him to be able to get everything else done!

Best of luck to you - we''ve all been there, and it gets much better when the wedding is over!

 

[Mannequin]

Date: 8/10/2006 9:16:53 PM
Author: jesterjigger
If you already picked out dresses you like at David''s tell them to go order one. Point out that you already made time to go see dresses with them, however that didn''t work and you don''t have any more time. It''s one day, FSIL can suck it up. I''m sorry she''s being such a brat...but it''s your wedding. Will the other girls be able to pay for more expensive dresses? Especially once you add shoes and hair and other grooming stuff?

This is the part that makes me fret the most over this dress situation. I feel honored that the girls accepted my request to be there in the wedding party on my big day, and I refuse to make this event into a financial burden for them. FSIL and FI''s cousin both have disposable income. FSIL and the rest of FI''s immediate family tend to throw money around and seem to use it for show and influence, which I hate. The other three girls are going to have trouble if the dress cost increases. MOH is in the middle of uprooting herself to a different state right now, making this her third major move since finishing college in 03. My cousin is going to require the assistance of my grandmother in paying for her dress. Jr. BM is 12 and growing like crazy right now, so anything she orders may not be a rewearable piece. I do not intend to require them to use a specific hairdresser or makeup artist at this time, and I was considering just having them all wear a pair of silver sandals (flats or low heels). Their jewelry will be one of my purchases.

 

[diamondfan]

Again, if you LIKE the new dress, tell them very sweetly that if it means so much to change it, they can, as long as they pay the difference between the two dresses for all the girls!...meaning, if one dress was X and this one is X plus Y, they can they plus Y for ALL the dresses. This is a put up or shut up tactic, and, assuming you like either dress, makes sure that your other BM''s do not have to be burdened financially because someone else is being a princess!!! I am sure you will quickly see that they do not care that much...it might be that they are just jerking your chain, and when you say, Okay, pay to play...they might be silenced rather quickly. Just make sure you like their option first, before you present it! (I am a bit snarky about this type of situation...they are not behaving in a nice way!)

 

[Trelala]

Hey there sweetie! I hope everything works out for you. I know what you mean by the lack of time once the school year starts, I teach HS. Have a great school year, take good care of yourself!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 8/9/2006 10:09:18 AM
Author: decodelighted
Ahhhh. You remind me why, despite three lovely sisters and three super close friends, I have a single ''DUDE of Honor''.

Yup, I have a man of honor too. My brother is walking me "down the aisle" (which will be down the beach actually) and will also stand by my side.

Eq, sorry about all this. I don''t know too many brides that have had seamless transactions re: bridesmaids. It really makes me wonder why we bother to have them at all...

 

[fire&ice]

I haven''t read any of the responses - but I think it''s this simple.

Thank them profusely for their hunting expedition. You appreciate it - but you have chosen this dress based on style to fit the majority, cost & approval by the majority. Also thank them that they rest the final decision upon you.

Not that their actions were appropriate - but they are understandable. The groom''s mom usually have this "this is out of my control" attitude. I think they simply got caught up in "wedding fever".

BTW - not to rain on your parade - but this will not be the last issue regarding wedding planning.

Good luck - and most of all go with the flow - yes them to death & do as you please.

 

[fire&ice]

Don''t expect much help from your future husband. Actually, not to sound harsh, but passing the bar is far more important to your future than wedding details.

And, I agree with AL - to everyone else your wedding isn''t even tangible yet. It''s a future away.

O.K. - it''s been decades since my wedding - but is it normal procedure these days to get you BM dresses hammered down nearly a year away? I would think that styles would come and go - as well as people''s dress sizes flutuate.

 

[Mannequin]

Date: 8/12/2006 12:11:55 PM
Author: fire&ice
Don't expect much help from your future husband. Actually, not to sound harsh, but passing the bar is far more important to your future than wedding details.

I totally agree. However, the bar is now done and he still has to catch up on the wedding planning that he said he would help with that got laid aside during bar study time. I refuse to give him any more responsibilities until I can see that he is able to handle the DJ/band stuff I have already passed to him.

And, I agree with AL - to everyone else your wedding isn't even tangible yet. It's a future away.

O.K. - it's been decades since my wedding - but is it normal procedure these days to get you BM dresses hammered down nearly a year away? I would think that styles would come and go - as well as people's dress sizes flutuate.

I didn't request that they all need to order dresses right away, I just wanted them to try on some in stores. The styles out there are all really similar wherever you go, and only one BM and my jr BM would really need to worry about size changes. As I explained before, there were a lot of other things going on for these girls and since my life loses all sense of normalcy once I start teaching school, I wanted to get some try-ons done now while we all had time.

 

[fire&ice]

I hope he passes the bar! Good luck!

Not that this is here or there - but my husband''s only responsibility was for he and his attendants to show up dressed.

Worked for him.

Worked for me.

 

[Blenheim]

Eq, I''m sorry you''re going through all of this. I hope that your talk with her goes well, if you haven''t had it yet.

By the way, my foot''s almost back to normal and I''m allowed to drive again. If your wedding planning/back to school schedule allows, would you like to meet up sometime? I''d still love to meet you.

 

[Mannequin]

Date: 8/13/2006 10:19:06 PM
Author: Blenheim
Eq, I''m sorry you''re going through all of this. I hope that your talk with her goes well, if you haven''t had it yet.

By the way, my foot''s almost back to normal and I''m allowed to drive again. If your wedding planning/back to school schedule allows, would you like to meet up sometime? I''d still love to meet you.

We did talk and I am supposed to meet FMIL and FSIL tomorrow for another round of dress shops. Whether or not I choose to veto the new choices and go back to David''s, I have to "make nice" and go through the exercise as these people will be family forever.

Glad to hear your foot is getting better! If you are still interested in a get-together, for IKEA or whatever, I''d be up for it. I have one inservice day planned for Wednesday, but I can do something on the other days if you like. Let me know, that would be fun!

 

[Blenheim]

Sounds great! IKEA would be fine. I''m going to be busy either Saturday or Sunday (not sure which yet), but other than that my schedule should be pretty open. What would work well for you?

 

[mightyred]

I think you have been magnanimous in dealing with your FSIL and indulging her concerns. After the visit today, you should make your decision and move on . They will get over if it''s not what they want to hear (smile sweetly asyou tell them) but hopefully there was a compromise.

Secondly, re the future hubby, when asking him to do something, set it as a deadline task....eg "I need to you book the band by x date, if the one you want is not available we will push the date back to x date to finalize an alternative. Lets talk on x date to regroup to see where we stand". This way you can give him room to do it but give yourself a back up date in case he needs help/direction. I try and use the male side of my brain when dealing on stuff like that somehow it works. We use outlook at home to schedule everything from sports to trips so in this case I would send him meeting invites so it would pop up as a reminder on his calendar (he does the same to me!) With weddings I think bands and food is about the only input you are sure to get - the rest may be a bonus!

good luck and lots of deep breaths!

 

[Mannequin]

I agree mightyred - food and music is all I can really ask him to help with and have asked him to assist on for this wedding. He was most excellent and enthusiastic about the tastings when booking the reception site already. I am still working on him with the band/DJ stuff. He really is making an effort, I am happy to report.

Blenheim - any day but Wednesday is fine for me right now. Want to try Tuesday morning around 11 at the main IKEA entrance?

 

[Blenheim]

Sounds good!

How did the dress shopping go?

 

[fisherofmengirly]

SO, how''d it go? Make nice? Go back to the original plan on the dresses? Are they being nicer now, or is still all about them?

 

[Mannequin]

The future family did a little looking around with me on Tuesday. I went and "made nice" and looked at all the things they wanted to have FSIL model for me. Honestly, though, the dresses she liked were not so much different than the ones she had already tried on at David''s with me, and the separates, while being slightly different than David''s in color and embroidery, were at least $30 more before alterations.

The one we all liked is actually a dress that I had spotted months ago and thought about having the girls use for BM dresses. I purposely made FSIL try this one on because I like this one best out of all the non-David''s stuff I have seen. I''d wear it myself, it''s cute and has a flirty skirt. It''s a B2 dress (Spring 06 collection) in peri, doesn''t say it has removable straps but I would have the girls add them to their tops. Great length and weight for a late July wedding. Came to lower calf on FSIL because the sample seemed way long. Looks like this:

We went to about four shops, and at the last bridal salon my mother found a few dresses that I had not tried on before in the bridal gown section. She pulled them and had me try them on after FSIL was done with her big pile of BM dresses. First, Mom got me STUCK in a really BIG Demetrios- she got it all tangled up around my chest and made me look like a circus tent. Rather than help me out of this twisted mass of crinoline and sequins, she laughed until she cried and then opened the dressing room door for the future family to see. They were all cracking up as I was standing there unable to move. ARGH. Finally I got my mother to shut the door and get me out of the dress. I did find another one that I liked as I tried things on. FI''s grandmother raved over this one for the rest of the night, in between her giggles about my gown mishap. This is a Paloma Blanca that was much nicer on than what I expected from the dress on the rack:

It has a really pretty train on it and a row of small satin buttons all the way down the back to the edge of the skirt. I still like the lace dress at Group USA as my front runner, and I have a few months to decide before I seriously need to order. I have pics of myself in the Paloma, but they aren''t uploaded yet.

Overall, I was thankful that FSIL wasn''t totally obnoxious about the dress issue during that afternoon or afterwards. I haven''t heard from them since then, but I''ve been doing teacher inservice all week so I''ve been too busy to really worry about any of it right now. I did finally hear from my BM who uprooted to Maryland, and it sounds like she settled in quickly and is frantically trying to get ready for school like me. No word from her on whether or not she would like to be my MOH as I had asked or just a BM or neither, of course. I am planning to ask FI''s cousin to be "co-MOH" next time I see her, and should the Maryland BM drop out as I assume she might, I have another person in mind who might be able to participate and would likely be really happy to do so.

 

[diamondfan]

That dress is lovely, and does not look like a bridesmaid dress, looks like a beautiful party dress, to me. Are you going with that one?

 

[Mannequin]

I have only had FSIL try it on so far, diamondfan. The samples I am finding for that dress are in size 8 or 10, and the 10 was a decent fit for FSIL. Of the other girls, though, I have a size 2, a size 6, and a size 16. They all have less on top to hold up the bodice, as FSIL is more endowed than those three. If I can get one of the other girls to check it out in person, I will have them make an order for this B2 dress in the peri pictured. There is also a jr. BM version of this available, according to the website, which makes it very intriguing. Jr. BM dress looks like this:

 

[diamondfan]

If she is the most busty and it worked, you should be fine. I had a gamut of different size girls, bust, weight, height...but luckily did find a dress that worked on all of them. I really like this one, do not know the other options but this is simple, lovely and wearable! (I just did not like how the girls acted, no matter what they thought about the other dress)