NYTempist- I am sorry to hear how badly you are hurting. *hugs* I believe that you are doing the right thing. A relationship is about two people and the level of commitment needs to be equal or someone will end up hurt. I hate that the question I am going to ask may sting but I think it needs to be said (though you seem very bright and likely have already thought of it) If your BF proposes right now how will you feel? Will you be elated or will you wonder if you pushed him into it? I am sorry if this seems callus I don’t mean to be. Normally I would say being in love means putting the other person first in your life, placing their needs above yours. However it seems like this is what you have been doing for a long time, I hope that you will think of yourself and what will make you happy in the long term.
I wholeheartedly agree with this. You aren''t dating his friends.....you are dating HIM. I think boys will be boys when the boys are around, the same way that girls will be girls when the girls are around.Date: 3/29/2005 104:18 AM
Author: Fiance to be
Ally, I have been reading over these threads recently and wanted to comment on your situation. While some things about him might say he''s not ready, you can''t really judge him by his friends. I have plenty of friends who are no where close to being ready to settling down, but I am just a few days away from proposing to my girlfriend. Just because a guy''s friends aren''t ready for a real commitment doesn''t mean that he''s not. If anything I look at my single friends and think, Thank God I''m not going through everything they are, i.e. dating, playing games, and all the bad stuff that goes along with it. I can''t speak for your man as far as him being ready to settle down, but just because his friends aren''t there yet, doesn''t mean he isn''t.
-FTB
I think the biggest problem in my situation is that my b/f loves to do things, but hates making plans. He tends to jump on board if anyone comes up with a fun idea. If we (meaning me) have made plans already, then I would say a majority of the time we do what we planned to do together. I am flexible, though, so if a fun opportunity comes up for him then it’s usually not a big deal to compromise. But, if we don’t already have plans that day and one of his buddies emails him, “Hey, a bunch of us are getting together to throw some balls around tonight.”, well, easy decision for b/f. He doesn’t even think twice. The part that I sometimes find frustrating, and I’m wondering if you feel the same way, is that he doesn’t think of me first. He says yes right away. He could have at least asked me first if I wanted to do something with him that day (especially when it is Saturday). I hope I’m not sounding like a brat!! It’s hard to explain exactly how I feel about it.
I am definitely cool with him hanging out with his friends! But we don’t have that much free time to hang out together, so when he says “yes” to buddies’ plans, I feel like I would at least appreciate hearing about the plans first before he gives them a definite yes answer. Maybe I had some fun ideas that I hadn’t talked to him about yet? Maybe we could do both things? I’m not sure if this is similar to your situation, but if it is, this is how I handle it:
If it’s vacation days or special weekends, I try to make firm, fun plans for those days with b/f well in advance. He did take a vacation day last month to go to a softball tournament, but I didn’t feel like it was as big of a deal as it used to be since most of his other vacation days are already scheduled for 2 vacations with me later this year. Also, I know that I really am his number one priority. If I start to feel bummed out and like I might not be number one, I think back to all of the times he has done things with me because he knows I want to do them. Even though he has been bored out of his mind at some of the events, he still went with a smile on his face and no complaints. Also, he thinks it’s fine when I have girls nights out with my friends. For me, the positives always out number the negatives.
Also, I try to go to as many of his games as I can. We also play sports together on some co-ed teams. I was surprised to hear you were the only g/f at the hockey tournament? When I go to b/f’s softball games, there are usually a decent number of wives and g/f’s there of his teammates. I also play video games with him. I guess it’s the philosophy of “the couples that play together stay together”. But, I really enjoy doing those things with him. If you don’t really like sports and stuff, that could be a red flag. I do know that one of my b/f’s teammates got a divorce because he and his wife constantly argued about all of the softball tournaments he did on the weekends. So I do know that for some people, this does become a major problem.
As for your b/f’s teammates, I totally agree that even though some “guys will be guys”, that doesn’t mean your b/f will do what they do. As long as you feel like your b/f treats you well and you completely trust him, then I don’t think you have anything to worry about. If you still feel like your b/f is prioritizing himself over you (I guess a good word to describe that would be self-centered?), and you don’t want to be treated that way, please know that there are still good guys out there!!! Never settle!!!!!!! The good ones may be harder to find especially the ones that are shyer or less social, but believe me, there are still quite a few out there who know how to treat a lady right.
BG- You are sooo right!!! My BF is funny and outgoing, but only once he gets to know you and I am the same way. We both tend to be a bit shy and are more the stay at home and play board games or read together and if we go out it is hikeing, walking, running, or playing with our dogs. We both have a great group of friends but they are small and again tend to be quieter people (niether of us drinks so....). However I never would have meet him if it were not for a very odd series of events (broken foot, bad day, and bowling team in HS, wrestling...and viola!) Meeting people is hard and I think sometimes scary.Okay I am done.Date: 3/29/2005 2:21:13 PM
Author: Buena Girl
ally-
I’m guessing that you have a sports-and-games-aholic b/f like many of us? My b/f’s idea of “relaxing” is playing sports or video games. Any opportunity that comes along, especially softball, he is there. I kind of know what you mean about the priority thing.
I think the biggest problem in my situation is that my b/f loves to do things, but hates making plans. He tends to jump on board if anyone comes up with a fun idea. If we (meaning me) have made plans already, then I would say a majority of the time we do what we planned to do together. I am flexible, though, so if a fun opportunity comes up for him then it’s usually not a big deal to compromise. But, if we don’t already have plans that day and one of his buddies emails him, “Hey, a bunch of us are getting together to throw some balls around tonight.”, well, easy decision for b/f. He doesn’t even think twice. The part that I sometimes find frustrating, and I’m wondering if you feel the same way, is that he doesn’t think of me first. He says yes right away. He could have at least asked me first if I wanted to do something with him that day (especially when it is Saturday). I hope I’m not sounding like a brat!! It’s hard to explain exactly how I feel about it.
I am definitely cool with him hanging out with his friends! But we don’t have that much free time to hang out together, so when he says “yes” to buddies’ plans, I feel like I would at least appreciate hearing about the plans first before he gives them a definite yes answer. Maybe I had some fun ideas that I hadn’t talked to him about yet? Maybe we could do both things? I’m not sure if this is similar to your situation, but if it is, this is how I handle it:
If it’s vacation days or special weekends, I try to make firm, fun plans for those days with b/f well in advance. He did take a vacation day last month to go to a softball tournament, but I didn’t feel like it was as big of a deal as it used to be since most of his other vacation days are already scheduled for 2 vacations with me later this year. Also, I know that I really am his number one priority. If I start to feel bummed out and like I might not be number one, I think back to all of the times he has done things with me because he knows I want to do them. Even though he has been bored out of his mind at some of the events, he still went with a smile on his face and no complaints. Also, he thinks it’s fine when I have girls nights out with my friends. For me, the positives always out number the negatives.
Also, I try to go to as many of his games as I can. We also play sports together on some co-ed teams. I was surprised to hear you were the only g/f at the hockey tournament? When I go to b/f’s softball games, there are usually a decent number of wives and g/f’s there of his teammates. I also play video games with him. I guess it’s the philosophy of “the couples that play together stay together”. But, I really enjoy doing those things with him. If you don’t really like sports and stuff, that could be a red flag. I do know that one of my b/f’s teammates got a divorce because he and his wife constantly argued about all of the softball tournaments he did on the weekends. So I do know that for some people, this does become a major problem.
As for your b/f’s teammates, I totally agree that even though some “guys will be guys”, that doesn’t mean your b/f will do what they do. As long as you feel like your b/f treats you well and you completely trust him, then I don’t think you have anything to worry about. If you still feel like your b/f is prioritizing himself over you (I guess a good word to describe that would be self-centered?), and you don’t want to be treated that way, please know that there are still good guys out there!!! Never settle!!!!!!! The good ones may be harder to find especially the ones that are shyer or less social, but believe me, there are still quite a few out there who know how to treat a lady right.
I hope all of this makes sense. It''s hard to condense all of my thought into as short of a post as possible. Best of luck! I hope everything works out in the best way possible!!!
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