Hi Ladies (and Gents),
I hate to start another thread on this topic, but like advicepls, seems I'm going through some major problems, and I need an outlet/feedback to know I'm really not losing my mind
Here's the short version: I've been together with my bf/finance for 6 years (at the end of the month), and have been engaged for roughly 3 months. He's 8 1/2 years older than me, but very immature in certain areas. One of those areas being $$$$ - and I resent him for it. We both entered the relationship being HUGE spenders, but, as I've grown, I see the "big picture", and now, with very, very hard work and lots of effort, I'm starting to be a saver. Here's the problem: he refuses to grow up and become a responsible adult when it comes to finances. And so I've decided to move out for religious reasons (and financial too), and we're taking a "break". There are other problems, but this is the BIG one. So right now, seems our plans to go to the chapel to get married are on hold.
Long version: Like I mentioned, there are other problems going on in our relationship. He's a great guy, he really is. He's got great values, which I will forever love him for, he's a family man, he's a hard worker when he wants to be, is honest as can be, he's my resident comedian, and just a wonderful guy, and I love him. We've been together for 6 years, and when I first met him, he was living with his parents. His parents bought a house, and left him with the apartment we shared (his mother owns the building), and pays minimum rent. From the start, we always spent money on eating out, movies, going to clubs, an expensive (and our only) vacation, buying each other expensive gifts, you name it ...we always found a way how to spend money. He took out credit cards left and right, and we spent, spent, spent without giving it any or much thought. There were many, many, times I would get my paycheck on Friday, and by Sunday I was broke. Looking back at it now, I wish I would have saved my money.
Anyway, I always encouraged him to leave his dead end job and get something better. He was working at a small company for 8 years, no health benefits, no sick/vacation days, nada. So after much convincing, he got another job in sales. He hated it. He worked hard and busted his butt, but didn't like it. So he left with promises of getting his old job back. It backfired. He ended up being unemployed for 9 months. During those nine months, I helped him out. I paid his credit cards, I paid his bills, I would buy him groceries; I sometimes even paid his rent. I didn't know it then, but I became his "mom". He was looking for work here and there, but wasn't really looking hard to get back to work. He was comfortable. So after 9 months, his cousin told him about a job, and he got it. Again, it was a small company, low paying job, no sick/vacation days, but had health benefits. He’s been there about a year and a half and has always said he has intentions of getting a better job, of doing this, doing that, but hasn’t done anything. He was given the opportunity (which only comes ONCE a year) to apply for a Union Job. Those jobs are like striking GOLD. He has many connections in the Union (5 of his close friends work there), so the chances of him getting picked were strong. He had the application for 3 weeks, and on the day of the deadline was scrambling to get the documents together, but it was too much for him to handle so he gave up and didn’t even try to apply for the job. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t believe a word he says when he goes on saying I’m going to do this or I’m going to do that, because I know he’s too lazy to actually do it!
To top it all off, he’s in MAJOR credit card debt. Yea, WE ALL have credit card debt, but there’s a big difference here – he isn’t paying them back. When he got unemployed, he informed the credit card companies he wasn’t working, and they backed off. But since he’s been working, he impulsively spends, to the point it causes extreme financial stress on him which then causes me stress because he looks to me as the relief when he has no money. And he forgets about the credit cards. He’s basically doing the ostrich move and digging his head in the sand hoping it will all go away. I guess he’s waiting to hit the lottery or something, who knows, but I’ve asked him to take care of his debt and it’s all been in vain. Guy hasn’t done a thing.
Plus, this guy is a SPENDER. He sees something that he wants, and he’ll do anything to get it. He’ll beg and plead with me to get him this, or get him that. Usually, I’ve given in. I’ve bought him lots of “stuff” that wasn’t cheap. I’m talking big ticket items here. And most of this “stuff” has only been things he can use. If I don’t budge he goes to his mom, will borrow her credit card to buy his “stuff”, and then when she comes collecting and he doesn’t have the money, he turns to me.
This past week, I sat down with him and I crunched our numbers. Turns out, with me moving out, he can only save 5.5% of his part for the wedding. And when I made suggestions of possibly moving back in with his folks to save money, and getting a part-time job to make extra money, cutting the cable and cell phone bills, he said that doing all of that was NOT a possibility. That was my breaking point. I saw a self-centered, immature and selfish boy. And my heart sank. I guess he thought I was going to build our future all on my own.
So needless to say, I’ve reached the end of my rope. Our future together is uncertain, especially since he has such bad money habits. My gut is telling me to move on, and I’m ready to, but I’m hopeful he will change. I’m hoping and praying that by some miracle he will get on the same page as me, but if he doesn’t, it’s over. I feel like this relationship has run its course and there’s nothing else I can do at this point. But I’m hurt, angry, upset, disappointed, confused, and heartbroken. Sometimes I feel like I’m making a mistake if I marry him but part of me still wants to, and other times I feel like I need to let him go once and for all.
If you made it this far, thanks for taking the time to read this, I know it was a lot, but you’re thoughts and advice is appreciated <3
-Confused DolceJo
I hate to start another thread on this topic, but like advicepls, seems I'm going through some major problems, and I need an outlet/feedback to know I'm really not losing my mind
Here's the short version: I've been together with my bf/finance for 6 years (at the end of the month), and have been engaged for roughly 3 months. He's 8 1/2 years older than me, but very immature in certain areas. One of those areas being $$$$ - and I resent him for it. We both entered the relationship being HUGE spenders, but, as I've grown, I see the "big picture", and now, with very, very hard work and lots of effort, I'm starting to be a saver. Here's the problem: he refuses to grow up and become a responsible adult when it comes to finances. And so I've decided to move out for religious reasons (and financial too), and we're taking a "break". There are other problems, but this is the BIG one. So right now, seems our plans to go to the chapel to get married are on hold.
Long version: Like I mentioned, there are other problems going on in our relationship. He's a great guy, he really is. He's got great values, which I will forever love him for, he's a family man, he's a hard worker when he wants to be, is honest as can be, he's my resident comedian, and just a wonderful guy, and I love him. We've been together for 6 years, and when I first met him, he was living with his parents. His parents bought a house, and left him with the apartment we shared (his mother owns the building), and pays minimum rent. From the start, we always spent money on eating out, movies, going to clubs, an expensive (and our only) vacation, buying each other expensive gifts, you name it ...we always found a way how to spend money. He took out credit cards left and right, and we spent, spent, spent without giving it any or much thought. There were many, many, times I would get my paycheck on Friday, and by Sunday I was broke. Looking back at it now, I wish I would have saved my money.
Anyway, I always encouraged him to leave his dead end job and get something better. He was working at a small company for 8 years, no health benefits, no sick/vacation days, nada. So after much convincing, he got another job in sales. He hated it. He worked hard and busted his butt, but didn't like it. So he left with promises of getting his old job back. It backfired. He ended up being unemployed for 9 months. During those nine months, I helped him out. I paid his credit cards, I paid his bills, I would buy him groceries; I sometimes even paid his rent. I didn't know it then, but I became his "mom". He was looking for work here and there, but wasn't really looking hard to get back to work. He was comfortable. So after 9 months, his cousin told him about a job, and he got it. Again, it was a small company, low paying job, no sick/vacation days, but had health benefits. He’s been there about a year and a half and has always said he has intentions of getting a better job, of doing this, doing that, but hasn’t done anything. He was given the opportunity (which only comes ONCE a year) to apply for a Union Job. Those jobs are like striking GOLD. He has many connections in the Union (5 of his close friends work there), so the chances of him getting picked were strong. He had the application for 3 weeks, and on the day of the deadline was scrambling to get the documents together, but it was too much for him to handle so he gave up and didn’t even try to apply for the job. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t believe a word he says when he goes on saying I’m going to do this or I’m going to do that, because I know he’s too lazy to actually do it!
To top it all off, he’s in MAJOR credit card debt. Yea, WE ALL have credit card debt, but there’s a big difference here – he isn’t paying them back. When he got unemployed, he informed the credit card companies he wasn’t working, and they backed off. But since he’s been working, he impulsively spends, to the point it causes extreme financial stress on him which then causes me stress because he looks to me as the relief when he has no money. And he forgets about the credit cards. He’s basically doing the ostrich move and digging his head in the sand hoping it will all go away. I guess he’s waiting to hit the lottery or something, who knows, but I’ve asked him to take care of his debt and it’s all been in vain. Guy hasn’t done a thing.
Plus, this guy is a SPENDER. He sees something that he wants, and he’ll do anything to get it. He’ll beg and plead with me to get him this, or get him that. Usually, I’ve given in. I’ve bought him lots of “stuff” that wasn’t cheap. I’m talking big ticket items here. And most of this “stuff” has only been things he can use. If I don’t budge he goes to his mom, will borrow her credit card to buy his “stuff”, and then when she comes collecting and he doesn’t have the money, he turns to me.
This past week, I sat down with him and I crunched our numbers. Turns out, with me moving out, he can only save 5.5% of his part for the wedding. And when I made suggestions of possibly moving back in with his folks to save money, and getting a part-time job to make extra money, cutting the cable and cell phone bills, he said that doing all of that was NOT a possibility. That was my breaking point. I saw a self-centered, immature and selfish boy. And my heart sank. I guess he thought I was going to build our future all on my own.
So needless to say, I’ve reached the end of my rope. Our future together is uncertain, especially since he has such bad money habits. My gut is telling me to move on, and I’m ready to, but I’m hopeful he will change. I’m hoping and praying that by some miracle he will get on the same page as me, but if he doesn’t, it’s over. I feel like this relationship has run its course and there’s nothing else I can do at this point. But I’m hurt, angry, upset, disappointed, confused, and heartbroken. Sometimes I feel like I’m making a mistake if I marry him but part of me still wants to, and other times I feel like I need to let him go once and for all.
If you made it this far, thanks for taking the time to read this, I know it was a lot, but you’re thoughts and advice is appreciated <3
-Confused DolceJo
I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with money management. It's a pet hobby of mine, so I'm always reading personal finance books, crunching numbers in spreadsheets 'for fun,' and my DH and I work on our budget and debt together. Money is one of the top things that breaks up couples, and for good reason--it demonstrates values. You say he is a family man, but is he saving now for a future family with you? It doesn't sound like it. He honestly does not sound interested in fixing his finances, and it may be because he has no idea how to do that. What about setting up an appointment with a Financial Planner to go over all your/his statements to get him to see the big picture? Or attending Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University classes together? Once you're married, it's not his money and her money, but YOUR money, even if you keep separate accounts. And, I hate to say it, but if he goes bankrupt, creditors can collect from YOU as his wife. I know someone that dealt with this very situation... husband's company went bust in the recession and one day, her checking account was at $0 because someone had shown up at the bank with the necessary documents to collect. 
Kudos, and best of luck. *hugs*
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