Breaking up is hard to do #2

[lisalikessparkles]

I know you are hurting right now, and need time to mourn the end of the relationship, but honey you dodged a HUGE bullet! Once you've gone through the healing process, you'll be free and ready to find the right partner. Some day you'll look back on this period of time and think, "why the hell did I wait so long?!?!?"

THIS!!

Men can act extremely.. uhh.. childish??? When we threaten to leave, do leave.. or otherwise hurt them.
I have been in very similar situations where all of a sudden any gift I was given is immediately his property again, I've been told I cannot watch the tv or use the computer because they are HIS.. Ok. I'll just sit here in the spare room.. crying myself to sleep.. on the floor because the spare room is YOUR bed and you refuse to get out of MY bed in our room.

Oh they're SUCH pigs sometimes!!

Reading your story the one thing that I kept thinking was that he is from money (parents owning his whole building phwoar!!) and I'm guessing he somewhere somehow believes in the back of his mind that he will come into money and doesn't have to work hard now. It's unfortunate because it sounds like his parents are trying to establish good money habits with him by encouraging him to pay back amounts he borrows from them, but I guess in his mind they will always bail him out if he really needed it??

I'm just so sorry sweetie, I really hope this either works out and he mans up to be the person he should be for you, or that you move on to find someone a million times better.

xxxxx

 

[16ocean]

Dolce-Jo Sending you e- hugs hugs . . . . . .know that you are -not- the only one that has walked down the path you are currently on . . . it just may feel that way in this moment.
You deserve someone with -all- the qualities you want and need.

 

[monarch64]

You made a great decision, and one that while it might smart/hurt right now, is BEST for YOUR future. Congrats!

 

[DolceJo]

Thank you again for the support <3 All your words are comforting ((((hugs))))

And I'm so mad at him right now... I spoke with him last night, and he suggested we meet with our pastor to "talk things out" and figure out what he's doing wrong, because he wants to make things right, but feels it's too late. Mind you, I suggested this WHEN I MOVED OUT!!! He didn't care then, but cares now that I'm gone. So frustrating...ugh.... Oh, AND he's meeting with a college advisor on Saturday because he intends to go back to school... meanwhile, last year I called colleges left and right trying to "help" him go back to school, and he was just so lazy to follow through. I'm INFURIATED with him!!! Why NOW?! Why do all these things when I'M GONE!!?!??!?!?!??!?!? Why didn't you care enough to do it when I was by your side??? I've gone from hurt to angry now... I can't anymore. Boys are so stupid!!!

 

[Nomsdeplume]

You did the right thing. I once dated someone like that. In fact, my father is someone like that. You dodged a bullet. Even though I don't know you, I'm proud of you. I know that you will probably be tempted to give it another shot, but in time you will look back and realise that you have done yourself a massive favour.

(((HUGS)))

 

[vintagelover229]

HUGS hun. Men ARE stupid and I think it's great that he's looking into school now. However I firmly believe you should stick to your guns. What's done is done and there's no going back. Moving forward perhaps, but you need to see him make changes and make things better FOR HIMSELF. You have every right to be angry bc you'd think a guy would want the love and support and use it when he has it, but sometimes it takes something big to get their attention (actually leaving in this case). Continue to do what you've been doing and if it's meant to be it will be (later on down the road).

HUGS!

 

[katamari]

Thank you again for the support <3 All your words are comforting ((((hugs))))

And I'm so mad at him right now... I spoke with him last night, and he suggested we meet with our pastor to "talk things out" and figure out what he's doing wrong, because he wants to make things right, but feels it's too late. Mind you, I suggested this WHEN I MOVED OUT!!! He didn't care then, but cares now that I'm gone. So frustrating...ugh.... Oh, AND he's meeting with a college advisor on Saturday because he intends to go back to school... meanwhile, last year I called colleges left and right trying to "help" him go back to school, and he was just so lazy to follow through. I'm INFURIATED with him!!! Why NOW?! Why do all these things when I'M GONE!!?!??!?!?!??!?!? Why didn't you care enough to do it when I was by your side??? I've gone from hurt to angry now... I can't anymore. Boys are so stupid!!!

It has nothing to do with his penis or testosterone. He thought his actions would never has consequences, now he realizes they might. Don't worry that he also might be a better person because of this break-up. Focus on what it is doing for you. Way to follow-through and do this for yourself.

 

[rosetta]

I have deal breakers:

Financial irresponsibility

Adultery

Addiction




The day I tolerate these things will be the day I would have lost all self-respect.

You did the right thing. I wish all women worked this stuff out before marriage.

 

[iota15]

Dolce, BIG HUGS from me!

You are so strong to do what you did. Now - you have to stay strong. It seems like he's making changes but with all changes, it takes time. Go to the pastor with him, if you still want him, but personally, I would have NO physical contact with him (other than at the pastor, maybe) for a good six months at least. He needs to be on his own to cement any potential changes. You want him to really be making these changes because he sees he needs to - not as a mechanism to get you back (and trap you effectively).

 

[Anonymous]

Thank you again for the support <3 All your words are comforting ((((hugs))))

And I'm so mad at him right now... I spoke with him last night, and he suggested we meet with our pastor to "talk things out" and figure out what he's doing wrong, because he wants to make things right, but feels it's too late. Mind you, I suggested this WHEN I MOVED OUT!!! He didn't care then, but cares now that I'm gone. So frustrating...ugh.... Oh, AND he's meeting with a college advisor on Saturday because he intends to go back to school... meanwhile, last year I called colleges left and right trying to "help" him go back to school, and he was just so lazy to follow through. I'm INFURIATED with him!!! Why NOW?! Why do all these things when I'M GONE!!?!??!?!?!??!?!? Why didn't you care enough to do it when I was by your side??? I've gone from hurt to angry now... I can't anymore. Boys are so stupid!!!

Hey Dolce,

I thought I'd just chime in to say that my ex husband did pretty much the same thing - went from introverted guy that refused to be active and go out to the guy that was out joining clubs (hiking, photography, sushi meetups) - things I'd asked him about for YEARS. Guess what? As soon as he got a girlfriend he dropped ALL of those things. They don't change hun and it has nothing to do with you. *big hugs*

 

[DolceJo]

My goodness how time flies....feel this needs a well deserved update.

First off, thank you to all the ladies who gave me their heartfelt advice and words of wisdom along with the encouragement. It was appreciated more than you know.

A WHOLE LOT has happened the past 6 months. Let's start by saying I'm happily single, currently in therapy/counseling, and am moving forward from this relationship in a healthy way. I dodged A HUGE bullet.

Since my last post, the fights and arguments between the ex and I were growing and always got uglier. They always went beyond the scope of just "financial" troubles. Things just never seemed to work out. If I said something, he always took it the wrong way, thinking I was trying to hurt him, even though that was never the case, and then he would say/do things to hurt me more. If I threw one arrow, he threw back five. All the while I was still going back to him, sleeping with him (major mistake). I went away to Florida for 3 weeks in July, to get away from things, it just got worse. He told me "since we've broken up, I've never been happier", and if he was angry he'd say "no man will put up with you. no man will ever love you" or something similar. And every now and then he would try to kiss and make up. But things got too toxic. It was only the beginning of the end.

Labor day weekend came around, we spent the weekend together. Again, the verbal sparring match ensued. He said "the idea you have of love doesn't exist, no man will ever love you that way" all because I said I didn't love him anymore. My anger and hurt took over. I was sick and tired of being put down. I grabbed a bat and smashed the watch case and watches I had bought him. I was done, reached the end of my rope. He flipped. He fought me for the bat, swung it around, got in my face, pure rage and anger, and told me to get out. Then he put his hands on me. I told him not to touch me because I was scared stiff of the man. He was more than capable of killing me right then and there. Since I refused to move when he touched me, he became forceful. All the while calling me the most hideous names out there. I put up a fight simply because I was petrified he would kill me. So he pulled my hair and arms with extreme force, and tried throwing me down the flight of stairs. Thankfully, and praise to none other than God Himself, I was, bruised, shook up, terrified, and a mess - but walked away alive.

In retrospect, I should have walked away when he started putting me down, but hard to do when emotions are off the handle. There are probably many things I should have done. But I also know that the "red flags" were there all along, set in place to protect me, I just chose to ignore them. His aggressiveness scared me before, and my doubts were right all along. Saying I dodged a huge bullet is to say the least. The toxicity of this relationship would have brought me more pain and tears than I'd like to imagine. God was and is definitively watching over me.

So again, thank you ladies for your encouragement and support. Hopefully my story will help another lady in some way.

My advice: Always, always, ALWAYS listen to your inner voice.

 

[audball]

Dolce!! I'm so glad you're in a better place! I'm glad you walked away and are better for it.

It really is amazing what 6 months and some perspective gives you. I'm so sorry you had to go through what you did, but I can't tell you how happy I am to hear that you made it to the other side and are on your way to healing.

So happy for you!!

 

[amc80]

Holy crap, how scary! It sounds like you may have needed something as crazy as that though to move on once and for all. Glad you are safe and glad you are moving on.

 

[NTave]

I know it's hard, but if he doesn't see the light, there isn't much point. My first husband was this man, exactly. Peter pan doesn't grow up, and it took me marriage and two children and nearly losing the house that I bought for us to see the light. Trust me, it was a dark place that took me a long time to get out of, he used my credit for his toys when I was struggling to feed our family. Doesn't get better. I loved him very much, but financial irresponsibility is toxic and very scary. It doesn't make it feel any better, but I'm so glad you are seeing this now, and I think you are making the right decision.

 

[Amys Bling]

I think in your heart you know what you should do.... and I think it's brave of you to realize this sooner than later and get yourself back on track and with someone who is on the same page as you emotionally, financially, etc.

 

[jessib11]

One of the most common thing married couples fight about is money... If you are arguing now, its not going to get any better/easier when you are married.

Hope it all works out!

 

[FrekeChild]

I wish people would read the entire thread before commenting.

Dolce, you dodged a HUGE bullet. Congrats on holding out girlie and I'm so happy you came out of that ok!

(I once had a similar ex, my high school sweetheart...I have no doubt that it would have ended in a similar manner should I have let it get to that point.)

 

[PositivelyPeanut]

My advice: Always, always, ALWAYS listen to your inner voice.

Wise words from a wise woman. Glad you got out, and that you've put him behind you -- makes room for that someone wonderful that will surely come along in the future.