firebirdgold
Ideal_Rock
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Breaking up? Moving to NC?
- Thread starter Becky P
- Start date
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IrishAngel7982
Brilliant_Rock
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ljmorgan
Brilliant_Rock
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bellah
Rough_Rock
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anchor31
Ideal_Rock
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Oh Becky, I am so PROUD of you!!!
Go you for standing up for yourself and not giving up on your needs and desires!! Nothing makes me happier on here than seeing LIWs making decisions that are best for themselves.
Relationships are about compromise, but so far only you have been the giver and him the taker, so of course he expected you to go with him without any kind of commitment... He will try to change your mind, but stay strong! We''ll be here to support you.
Relationships are about compromise, but so far only you have been the giver and him the taker, so of course he expected you to go with him without any kind of commitment... He will try to change your mind, but stay strong! We''ll be here to support you.
MINE!!
Ideal_Rock
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aussiegirl23
Shiny_Rock
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Butterflies
Rough_Rock
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janinegirly
Ideal_Rock
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becky, i too am surprised and happy you took a stand! i also think his reaction speaks volumes: "not the response he EXPECTED"..how about speaking with his heart and saying he can''t live without you? first reaction says ALOT.
I REALLY hope you''re able to back up your words with actions...I''m not trying to be too tough, but sometimes your resolve weakens with time and a few nice words from him...you''ve made a very mature and smart decision (that works for YOU for once), don''t give in! Now that that''s out of the way I can say YAY!! Keep us posted!!!!
I REALLY hope you''re able to back up your words with actions...I''m not trying to be too tough, but sometimes your resolve weakens with time and a few nice words from him...you''ve made a very mature and smart decision (that works for YOU for once), don''t give in! Now that that''s out of the way I can say YAY!! Keep us posted!!!!
Becky P
Shiny_Rock
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How do I feel? Well, yesterday, I felt really calm and totally in control. Today, I''m kind of freaking out and I feel totally emotional, but I''m not even sure what emotions I''m feeling because there''s so many of them...Date: 12/6/2006 11:44:05 PM
Author: bellah
I''m impressed! Good on you Becky. How do you feel? I''m exhilerated for you just reading that! I just hope you really mean it this time. You mentioned that he wants to talk about this more, and thats fair, but be aware that he''s going to switch on the love, say anything he can and promise you the world to get you to change your mind. Keep your strong resolve!!
janinegirly
Ideal_Rock
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hang in there becky, it''s totally normal to feel that way. just remember the big picture and that you''re doing the right thing for you and for this relationship too if it''s meant to work out. The short term will be emotional and maybe even hard, but it''s all because you''re working towards the big picture that you want, and why settle for anything less. has your bf asked to talk to you about things or is he accepting your decision? stay strong and post here if you need to vent
KimberlyH
Ideal_Rock
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Wow, not a post I expected to see from you Becky. I hope you follow through, if for no other reason than it makes you a person of your word and a person of his or her word demands a respect that someone who is wishy-washy cannot.
I''m sure you''re having a rough day, it only makes sense that you would. Do something nice for yourself. Take a walk, get a cup of coffee and hang out in a park for a bit, get a mani and pedi, do something that appeals to you as a reward for taking a stand for yourself and takes your mind off of things for a while.
If you were my RL girflriend I''d be taking you out for a drink tonight to celebrate....cheers to you, Becky, for making a good choice.
I''m sure you''re having a rough day, it only makes sense that you would. Do something nice for yourself. Take a walk, get a cup of coffee and hang out in a park for a bit, get a mani and pedi, do something that appeals to you as a reward for taking a stand for yourself and takes your mind off of things for a while.
If you were my RL girflriend I''d be taking you out for a drink tonight to celebrate....cheers to you, Becky, for making a good choice.
anchor31
Ideal_Rock
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I totally understand... I felt that way too when I told my then-BF that I wouldn''t move in with him before we were engaged (he was very surprised too, because it''s not something that''s really done here anymore). It''s scary, because you don''t know what will happen, and even though you know it''s best for you, sometimes you wonder "why the hell am I doing this? Is it really for the best?"... Let me tell you, YES it is for the best! If it''s meant to be, you will work this through, if not, you''ll finally be able to find the man who will want to marry you.
Don''t give up!
Hopes
Rough_Rock
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Hi Becky,
I'm new to these forums, but I've been following your story. I know it's impossible to show everything with words, and that strangers can never understand fully the intricasies of your particular situation. However, I do have some general advice, based on what I've read. Take them as you will, because things are never set in stone and can be very unpredictable.
One, you want to feel loved. We all do! Your guy is clearly not making you feel loved. He is hardly around, does not live with you or propose to you (as in say things like "you marry me!" or "I want to be with you forever" often), does not give you the amount of companionship that is normal in a very long relationship, and does not give you what you want. He may well love you, but he doesn't show it. My boyfriend did this for a period of time, and I found myself wanting other men, looking at possibilities of being with other men, etc. You are doing this as well when you wonder about the potential single men in NC, and when they look at your hand for "marriage" you wonder if you could be happier with another guy rather than the guy you've loved for years. That is what I went through, so I know you are unhappy like I was, and you are also talking to strangers about it like I did.
Two, you told him off. That's the best, clearest and loudest message you can send to your guy! When my guy was ignoring me nightly, telling me he didn't feel like being intimate (for two months?!), not paying much attention to me and getting absorbed in his addictions, I was quite miserable. I tried to tell him, hey, stop that, but he didn't stop. One night I sat him down and said, "Look, I need a break. I need some time apart to think about things. I want to move out. I am not happy in this relationship." And he flipped out! He couldn't believe it, and he begged to know why. I didn't really know why I felt that way myself then, but I realized it afterwards -- I was just at a very unhappy point in my relationship, and any other guy around me could just substitute him. That's how little attention my boyfriend was paying to me (happy people don't stray from their relationship). However, here's the warning I have for you: if your guy does not seem a bit even sad when you tell him you want to leave him, then he doesn't care one way or another.
Three, you are emotional. This is completely normal. When I first gave him the "I want a break" speech, I also felt in control and calm as he was begging me in tears to rethink my decision. In the days afterwards, I also got very emotional, and relented a few times, and thought I would go back to him without things ever changing. But I didn't want that, and I knew that there were interesting and charming men around me who wanted to give me better! Yes, the fact that there were other men who give me self-esteem boosts to make me realize my worth helped me tell him off, and if my relationship of several years was at a point such that a strange man could give me everything he was offering me (not much) then it's time to reevaluate. In the end, I held my ground until he promised to give up drinking and smoking, for good this time. I made him realize that he was taking me for granted, and he was. He admitted to me that he thought I would just always be there, and when he was finally on the verge of losing me to another man he realized he had to change or else lose me forever.
Now, all of this could completely backfire if he does not truly love you. Love is not something that can be forced upon people. If you love someone you will change for that person and make that person happy, and you will sacrifice a lot of things to do so... but a healthy relationship requires both people to put in the sacrifice. We all deserve to love and be loved, and so do you! If your guy simply says, okay I'll go alone and you can stay here, or he tries to put things right by changing you rather than changing himself, it means that he does not really love you.
If he does change, and gives you a heartfelt plan of what, when, and how he wants to do things to please you and make you happy, and actually acts on these things immediately, and leaves you no doubt in your mind that he is yours 100%, then take him back. Until then, you are your own girl and feel free to flirt with whoever you want. I know this is possibly bad advice and somewhat manipulative, but nothing spurs a man into action quite like jealousy. If you make yourself unavailable, don't give him what he wants for a change, and become "too good for him" (which honestly I believe you are), then you can test if he really loves you. Love needs to be tested from time to time.
There's that old saying, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be." I think this is an excellent point. Personally, if a guy does not truly love me, then I don't want him either! I only want a guy who is 100% devoted to me and want to give me everything he has, and when he gives me that then I will give him that. I know if I had gone on without changing anything, and if he had continued without changing anything, I'd be left completely unhappy and always wishing I had more and better. Don't languish in that situation for so long. I sought help in the wrong places (I talked to guys who wanted me to leave my boyfriend so they could get a shot), but you are among gals who want to help you, and with no ulterior motives! I wish I would have found this place sooner, honestly.
Good luck Becky, and hang in there. Things can only get better after they get worse!
I'm new to these forums, but I've been following your story. I know it's impossible to show everything with words, and that strangers can never understand fully the intricasies of your particular situation. However, I do have some general advice, based on what I've read. Take them as you will, because things are never set in stone and can be very unpredictable.
One, you want to feel loved. We all do! Your guy is clearly not making you feel loved. He is hardly around, does not live with you or propose to you (as in say things like "you marry me!" or "I want to be with you forever" often), does not give you the amount of companionship that is normal in a very long relationship, and does not give you what you want. He may well love you, but he doesn't show it. My boyfriend did this for a period of time, and I found myself wanting other men, looking at possibilities of being with other men, etc. You are doing this as well when you wonder about the potential single men in NC, and when they look at your hand for "marriage" you wonder if you could be happier with another guy rather than the guy you've loved for years. That is what I went through, so I know you are unhappy like I was, and you are also talking to strangers about it like I did.
Two, you told him off. That's the best, clearest and loudest message you can send to your guy! When my guy was ignoring me nightly, telling me he didn't feel like being intimate (for two months?!), not paying much attention to me and getting absorbed in his addictions, I was quite miserable. I tried to tell him, hey, stop that, but he didn't stop. One night I sat him down and said, "Look, I need a break. I need some time apart to think about things. I want to move out. I am not happy in this relationship." And he flipped out! He couldn't believe it, and he begged to know why. I didn't really know why I felt that way myself then, but I realized it afterwards -- I was just at a very unhappy point in my relationship, and any other guy around me could just substitute him. That's how little attention my boyfriend was paying to me (happy people don't stray from their relationship). However, here's the warning I have for you: if your guy does not seem a bit even sad when you tell him you want to leave him, then he doesn't care one way or another.
Three, you are emotional. This is completely normal. When I first gave him the "I want a break" speech, I also felt in control and calm as he was begging me in tears to rethink my decision. In the days afterwards, I also got very emotional, and relented a few times, and thought I would go back to him without things ever changing. But I didn't want that, and I knew that there were interesting and charming men around me who wanted to give me better! Yes, the fact that there were other men who give me self-esteem boosts to make me realize my worth helped me tell him off, and if my relationship of several years was at a point such that a strange man could give me everything he was offering me (not much) then it's time to reevaluate. In the end, I held my ground until he promised to give up drinking and smoking, for good this time. I made him realize that he was taking me for granted, and he was. He admitted to me that he thought I would just always be there, and when he was finally on the verge of losing me to another man he realized he had to change or else lose me forever.
Now, all of this could completely backfire if he does not truly love you. Love is not something that can be forced upon people. If you love someone you will change for that person and make that person happy, and you will sacrifice a lot of things to do so... but a healthy relationship requires both people to put in the sacrifice. We all deserve to love and be loved, and so do you! If your guy simply says, okay I'll go alone and you can stay here, or he tries to put things right by changing you rather than changing himself, it means that he does not really love you.
If he does change, and gives you a heartfelt plan of what, when, and how he wants to do things to please you and make you happy, and actually acts on these things immediately, and leaves you no doubt in your mind that he is yours 100%, then take him back. Until then, you are your own girl and feel free to flirt with whoever you want. I know this is possibly bad advice and somewhat manipulative, but nothing spurs a man into action quite like jealousy. If you make yourself unavailable, don't give him what he wants for a change, and become "too good for him" (which honestly I believe you are), then you can test if he really loves you. Love needs to be tested from time to time.
There's that old saying, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be." I think this is an excellent point. Personally, if a guy does not truly love me, then I don't want him either! I only want a guy who is 100% devoted to me and want to give me everything he has, and when he gives me that then I will give him that. I know if I had gone on without changing anything, and if he had continued without changing anything, I'd be left completely unhappy and always wishing I had more and better. Don't languish in that situation for so long. I sought help in the wrong places (I talked to guys who wanted me to leave my boyfriend so they could get a shot), but you are among gals who want to help you, and with no ulterior motives! I wish I would have found this place sooner, honestly.
Good luck Becky, and hang in there. Things can only get better after they get worse!
TravelingGal
Super_Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2004
- Messages
- 17,193
There''s no doubt in my mind that he DOES want to be with you in NC. The reasons that come to my mind are:
- Friday night and no one''s home.
- It''s easier to find new places with a navigator
- Two people unpacking boxes = unpacked boxes twice as fast!
In other words, I think it was wise (and good for you for saying it) that you hold back, even if it means for a few months. Moves are unsettling things, and it would certainly be EASIER for him if you were there. He''s going there without knowing anyone I presume.
Some possible responses from a man who loves you may have been.
- No, I cannot imagine my life without you - North Carolina is a vast, dry desert without your lushness.
- Move with me and I''ll unpack all our boxes myself!
- You''ve made me see the error of my ways (which are too numerous to count). Marry me.
"Well, that''s not the response I expected" is not so much on the list. That belongs in the category of "Things to say to someone whose a** you think you own."
Mara
Super_Ideal_Rock
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- Oct 30, 2002
- Messages
- 31,003
good for you becky. i have to say i am totally FLOORED to see you say this...because i really thought that you were kind of lost in terms of being able to find your way out of the forest you were mired into with this guy. i thought you know what, she is going to move with him AGAIN and in 6 months she is going to be sitting here going ''what went wrong'' AGAIN and why does he still not propose AGAIN. because when you are in the thick of it all and feeling those emotions for someone, it''s super hard to stop and think about what you really need vs what is easy to do vs what your heart wants vs what is the norm.
so BIG YAY for you. you took the first step in trying to wrestle back your self-control from this guy. i also agree that his response speaks volumes. ''that''s not the response i expected''..what is this a business meeting? how about ''oh my god why not?'' or ''whats wrong honey?'' or anything other than ''thats not the response i expected.'' jeez.
anyway, stick with it...if that is the way you feel, you should be sure to stick to your guns. do not let him convince you to ''try'' it or anything like that. you know what you want in your heart and if you cannot get it right now, then don''t go anywhere right now. you can always move later!! remember you are looking out for yourself, not him and his best interests. keep us posted.
so BIG YAY for you. you took the first step in trying to wrestle back your self-control from this guy. i also agree that his response speaks volumes. ''that''s not the response i expected''..what is this a business meeting? how about ''oh my god why not?'' or ''whats wrong honey?'' or anything other than ''thats not the response i expected.'' jeez.
anyway, stick with it...if that is the way you feel, you should be sure to stick to your guns. do not let him convince you to ''try'' it or anything like that. you know what you want in your heart and if you cannot get it right now, then don''t go anywhere right now. you can always move later!! remember you are looking out for yourself, not him and his best interests. keep us posted.
bellah
Rough_Rock
- Joined
- Dec 5, 2006
- Messages
- 24
I can completely understand you feeling like this, I just pray that you can continue to see that this is the right thing for you.Date: 12/7/2006 9:39:46 AM
Author: Becky P
How do I feel? Well, yesterday, I felt really calm and totally in control. Today, I''m kind of freaking out and I feel totally emotional, but I''m not even sure what emotions I''m feeling because there''s so many of them...Date: 12/6/2006 11:44:05 PM
Author: bellah
I''m impressed! Good on you Becky. How do you feel? I''m exhilerated for you just reading that! I just hope you really mean it this time. You mentioned that he wants to talk about this more, and thats fair, but be aware that he''s going to switch on the love, say anything he can and promise you the world to get you to change your mind. Keep your strong resolve!!
Its about so much more than just refusing to move, its about showing him that you can stand up for yourself, make your own decisions, take control of your life and your own happiness. This is always going to be a really rough, emotional time but hang in there. You''ve put in many years with this man and deserve a steadfast commitment. If he wont give you one, but expects you to move, then you''ll just end up harbouring so much resentment that it will break down the relationship eventually anyway.. judging by the OP it may aleady be happening.
Stay strong.
Becky,
I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself. It is very hard to go into the unknown. It will get better. I can not believe his response....I don''t think he knows what he wants and maybe he will finally do some soul searching. I hope that everything works out for you...with or without him. you deserve to be happy. I wish you the best and know we are here to support you and only have your best intersts at heart. Keep the faith...it will improve.
Take care
I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself. It is very hard to go into the unknown. It will get better. I can not believe his response....I don''t think he knows what he wants and maybe he will finally do some soul searching. I hope that everything works out for you...with or without him. you deserve to be happy. I wish you the best and know we are here to support you and only have your best intersts at heart. Keep the faith...it will improve.
Take care
- Joined
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- 58,559
phoenixgirl
Ideal_Rock
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- Mar 20, 2003
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Good for you!
Staying put for now absolutely makes sense. If you guys are meant to be together, a few months separation can only be a good thing -- a time of clarity and working on yourself before working on the relationship. Also, he has NO justification for getting you to move immediately. "What??? You already moved once for me and told me that you need to be engaged by April, and now you won't move again for me based on the vague, noncommittal sweet nothings I whispered in your ear? But then how I will convince you to drop your engagement deadline if you're not comfortably set up in your own apartment down in NC?"
Please, get over yourself and down on one knee already!
Your deadline is only 3 and a half months away . . . go reread your email to him and your posts here to remember why the deadline was important in the first place. How silly would it be to move for a couple of months just to see if he comes around or not? The ball is in his court AS LONG AS YOU STAY PUT. And honey, believe me, you DON'T want a man who doesn't care enough to lob a tennis ball back over at you. If you say one more thing about not wanting to scare him off, a big angry mob of PSers will march down to NC, give him a few good slaps with our blinged out hands, and scare him off for good.
I'm kidding of course. Well, sort of.
Staying put for now absolutely makes sense. If you guys are meant to be together, a few months separation can only be a good thing -- a time of clarity and working on yourself before working on the relationship. Also, he has NO justification for getting you to move immediately. "What??? You already moved once for me and told me that you need to be engaged by April, and now you won't move again for me based on the vague, noncommittal sweet nothings I whispered in your ear? But then how I will convince you to drop your engagement deadline if you're not comfortably set up in your own apartment down in NC?"
Your deadline is only 3 and a half months away . . . go reread your email to him and your posts here to remember why the deadline was important in the first place. How silly would it be to move for a couple of months just to see if he comes around or not? The ball is in his court AS LONG AS YOU STAY PUT. And honey, believe me, you DON'T want a man who doesn't care enough to lob a tennis ball back over at you. If you say one more thing about not wanting to scare him off, a big angry mob of PSers will march down to NC, give him a few good slaps with our blinged out hands, and scare him off for good.
I'm kidding of course. Well, sort of.
Mandarine
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Jan 20, 2006
- Messages
- 3,786
His response... silence... then, ''well, that''s not the response I expected''
I''m with him...this is SO not the response I expected either!!!!!!!!!!!!
. Wow!
, good for you !!!....I know it must be hard right now but you have to follow your gut!. Stay strong!...I think it''s now that you will see his true colors and will be able to see more clearly if this is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.
I''m very impressed and happy for you!
M~
I''m with him...this is SO not the response I expected either!!!!!!!!!!!!
I''m very impressed and happy for you!
M~
Tacori E-ring
Super_Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Aug 15, 2005
- Messages
- 20,041
I am very proud of you. You both seem to be at different points of your lives. I really do believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe the distance will make him realize how much he really loves you and wants to marry you or maybe you will realize you can do better. Good luck and know we are here to support you.
bellah
Rough_Rock
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poptart
Brilliant_Rock
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Becky P
Shiny_Rock
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Nothing new to report. We spent the weekend doing major cleaning at his townhouse and just really enjoying each other''s company - lots of food, wine, movies, sex, etc. He''s definitely planning on moving - although after I told him that I wasn''t going without a "firm commitment" (i.e. engagement), the move suddenly changed from Feb. 1 to Mar. 1, but, maybe May or June depending... So, he knows where I stand, and I''m not going to push it anymore. He knows what it will take for me to move with him, if he''s not ready to propose, I am not going to force it, I''ll let him move and I''ll take it from there.
We fly out Saturday to go to see my mom''s side of the family for the holidays. He''s met my immediate family, but this will be the first time meeting extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandfather, etc. And, this will be the first time he''s been down there with me - he''s been to my dad''s house (in October), but never my mom''s.
I have a good feeling about things. I know he''s clear on what I want and need. I think now I just need to let it simmer for a little while. We''ll see what happens.
p.s. His younger sister (who is my exact same age) just got officially engaged 3 or 4 days ago.... to a man she''s been dating for less time... but, the two of them are both really religious, so I''m not sure if they''ve ever had sex - which definitely makes men ready for marriage quicker hehe
We fly out Saturday to go to see my mom''s side of the family for the holidays. He''s met my immediate family, but this will be the first time meeting extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandfather, etc. And, this will be the first time he''s been down there with me - he''s been to my dad''s house (in October), but never my mom''s.
I have a good feeling about things. I know he''s clear on what I want and need. I think now I just need to let it simmer for a little while. We''ll see what happens.
p.s. His younger sister (who is my exact same age) just got officially engaged 3 or 4 days ago.... to a man she''s been dating for less time... but, the two of them are both really religious, so I''m not sure if they''ve ever had sex - which definitely makes men ready for marriage quicker hehe
poptart
Brilliant_Rock
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