Bridesmaid Dilemma

[PurplePassion]

I’m kind of been placed in a tough situation. My BF and I are not officially engaged yet, but this weekend when I went to the beauty salon, I threw around some ideas for my wedding day hairstyle. My stylist, who has become a dear friend of mine, suddenly started asking what kind of dresses “they,” the bridesmaids were wearing. I already know which one of my friends will be my bridesmaids and she’s not one of them. How do you tell a friend that thinks she’s going to be a bridesmaid that she isn’t?

 

[ammayernyc]

Wait until you get engaged before you mention anything to her.
What is your real reason for not inviting her to be your bridesmaid? Maybe that''s the best thing to tell her...

 

[PurplePassion]

AmandaPanda – my real reason for not inviting her to be my bridesmaid is that I’m only having 4 bridesmaids… 3 are my closest friends (I’ve known them forever) and 1 is my sister. I only mentioned the word “wedding” b/c I was looking through a hairstyle book and saw a style I liked very much.

 

[ammayernyc]

I think that''s a perfect thing to tell her then... you''re having a small wedding party consisting of people you have know for a long time.
People are always going to freak out -- but remember, it''s your wedding. It''s going to be stressful enough, don''t let other people stress you out.

However, I am also in your exact same shoes though -- I''m not engaged yet, but my cousin keeps talking about how her daughter will be old enough when I get married to be my flower girl. I''m not sure how she''s going to take the fact that I''m not having a flower girl, and I don''t want people under the age of 25 at my wedding!

 

[jenwill]

I think the best way is the direct way. Once you are officially engaged, if she asks, tell her that it is going to be a small wedding and that you are limited to your sister and and childhood friends. I think most of us are OK with not being in every friends wedding- even if we are close to them.

 

[eks6426]

You could always show her some pictures of really hideous dresses that you are considering for your bridesmaids. I bet she will stop hinting right away

Seriously, what the others said about only having childhood friends & your sisters makes sense. This is my 2nd wedding and one of the girls who was in my first wedding was offended that I didn''t ask her THIS time. I felt really bad but I didn''t want to repeat the past & she was also very busy in grad school. Just try to say it as nicely as possible.

 

[PurplePassion]

That''s funny, IslandDreams!!

 

[PurplePassion]

Funny how people seem to make plans for your future wedding without even asking you...

 

[FireGoddess]

I''m just wondering...are you sure she thinks she''s going to be included, since she did refer to the bridesmaids as "they" and not "we"....?? Just wondering if there was any other way to take what she said.

If she does think she''s going to be included, then at a later hair appt just mention the bridesmaids and say something like, "well, I could only have 4 and I had to ask my sister and my 3 oldest friends" or something like that. I personally did not want to have a huge bridal party (for several reasons...was trying to keep costs down, didn''t want to obligate friends who already had to travel long distance to buy dresses, host a shower, etc)...so I only had a MOH and 1 BM and told the rest exactly what I said here - I wanted them to be able to enjoy the wedding w/o incurring extra costs, etc. I tried to involve the rest of those people in other ways.

 

[PurplePassion]

Hi, FireGoddess. She said "we." When I said "they," I meant that she was including herself.

 

[FireGoddess]

Interesting. Well, ditto what I already said in the second paragraph, but I have to add that I just can''t believe some people...I NEVER assume I''m going to be asked....until I''m asked. I was asked to be the MOH in a friend''s wedding 5 years ago...and she called off the wedding. She''s engaged again and I never said a word about the bridal party because who knows - a lot can happen in 5 years, maybe she wanted to ask someone else....anyway, she did ask me to be the MOH again, but even in that situation I never assumed I would be in this bridal party. Some people....invite these sorts of things upon themselves...so don''t feel awkward (though I know it''s hard not to)...she put you in an awkward position assuming she''d be in the party...you have every right to return the favor when you tell her she''s not. At least you can be the bigger person by doing it gently, as I and others have already suggested.

Good luck with that...not a nice position to be put in!!

 

[PurplePassion]

Thanks, FireGoddess. There are several people I suspect will want to be bridesmaids b/c I have a lot of friends. I think I''m just going to let them wear the color of the bridesmaids dresses to sort of include them.

 

[dazedland]

Will they be purple?

Like mentioned earlier you can always have the friends do readings, etc.

 

[glaucomflecken]

Date: 6/27/2005 9:16:49 PM
Author: dazedland
Will they be purple?

Like mentioned earlier you can always have the friends do readings, etc.

That's exactly what I did. My bridesmaids are my best friend, two sisters and my future sister in law. I kept it there beause I didnt want to be picking and choosing among friends, so if I limited it to family (my best friend, I consider her family!) then no friends would feel slighted/not included. Im an all or nothing kind of gal! So I asked my next round of closest friends to be readers, day of coordinators, etc. so they would feel included.

 

[Kaili]

I''m with Punch. Are there other roles that you could ask her to play? I have a very good friend from college who got married out of state. She asked her close girlfriends who were in town to be bridesmaids and myself and another close "out of state" friend to read at the wedding. I was honored just to be a part of the ceremony.

I also have a best guy friend who asked a couple of us to speak at the reception.

I would just let her know that it is a very small bridal party, but that you would like her to be involved in another way.

I''m going to make it easy on myself- just my sister and fiance''s sister as bridesmaids. I have too many truly close girlfriends to choose from, and I don''t think I could make the decision.

Let us know what you decide

 

[diamondfan]

I think the gentle but honest approach is best. And, it is YOUR day, so what you want is what matters the most. You could also say like some others have mentioned that you want to keep it small and you would love her to be there as a guest. Would she be the one doing your hair for the big day? Just a side note...I was FORCED to have my husband''s sis as a bm...she did not dig it (too traditional for her) and I did not want her there unwillingly, and I have to eliminate a couple friends because of it. She bitched about the dress (which her parents paid for and was a lovely black cocktail dress from Neimans and most normal people could have worn it again and did) and she did not want to look clean because she seriously did not wash her hair for a week prior and it was greasy and flat. She also doused herself in a perfume that gives me AWFUL headaches and is very dirty smelling to me, and just slunk around all day. I wish I had had the guts to say, I think it would be best if you just come and enjoy since the is clearly not going to work. I know your situation is different because she WANTS to be in the wedding, I am just making the point that it never works when you compromise what you want...

 

[MINE!!]

Purple: That sucks. I actually had the case of the guilts when I started thinking about who I wanted in my wedding. I would have had about 50BMs...LOL... Funny thing is.. only about 4 of them I would consider cloase friends.. (I have a hard time building relationships with women.. don''t trust them much)

So I did what other people here have suggested. I have given others ''tasks'' to do for the wedding. A good friend of mine (her daughters are my daughters best friends) are making the center peices. Another friend of mine (a proud gay man)(who wanted to be a bridesmaid) is going to be the main usher. Another is going to read the scripture..etc etc. I have one friend who is helping me brainstorm on what I am going to do to include all the children who are going to be at the cermony.. unlike AmandaPanda.. I have about 30 children invited.. I LOVE IT!!

So there are a lot of different ways of doing things and getting people involved. but it sucks when someone ''invites'' themselves to be in the wedding party. Just stand you ground and do not compromise on this!! Good luck..

 

[PurplePassion]

Thanks guys for the wonderful thoughts, ideas and suggestions. You''re all wonderful. I have to think of what I''ll do, but I''m sure when the time comes to talk to her and anyone else who thinks they''re going to be in the wedding, I''ll have all your support.

I really appreciate it!!!

P.S.: Yes, dazedland, more likely than not, the dresses will be a beautiful shade of purple.

 

[jorman]

Hey PP,

One of my childhood friends got married in November. When we grew up, we always talked about how we would be in each others weddings, etc. Eventhough we are still good friends, college kept us a good distance away from each other and because of that, I didn''t know her now husband very well. She decided to have bridesmaids that knew them both. I wasn''t expecting to be a bridesmaid, but she thought I did. I would call to catch up and hear all the wedding scoop and she would avoid talking about it because she didn''t know how to tell me she wasn''t having me as a bridesmaid.

Finally, I confronted her. I said, "Hey, we have been friends since 7th grade, would you quite skirting about the issue of your wedding and tell me what is up with you?" She finally told me (in tears) that she loved me and wanted me to be a part of the wedding, but she felt she shoiuld have bridesmaids that knew her now hubby. I completely understood. She had me as a house party member instead. I was more involved that way- helped seat guests, helped put her veil on, took pictures, helped the bridesmaids with makeup, etc. It was great fun!

I say just be honest and tell her so she knows. Maybe tell her you are so grateful for her friendship and you want her to be present at your day (being your wedding hair stylist or something equally busy), but you hope she understands your plan to have 4 bridesmaids that are childhood friends and sister. I am sure she will understand. And if she gets mad, just remember she will get glad in the same shoes she got mad in (my grandmother always says that).

Good Luck!!
Janna