Bridesmaid trouble!!!

[bravesfan]

CAUTION LONG STORY

Hey everyone--- Sorry I have been MIA for a while-- Finished school, started job etc. Anyways--- I need some advice...

Background:
I have a friend that I have been really close with for about 17 years. She is currently my roomate until I get married this Aug and she is one of my bridesmaids.

Problem:
She started a new job about 6 months ago and after about a month there she stated that she though her boss was hitting on her (getting her presents when he went on vacation with his WIFE and 2 Boys! Calling her cell, texting her late at night etc) She asked me if I thought this was weird and of course I said that i did. Well as time went by she never brought it up again and I assumed that it had stopped.

Fastforward to about 3 months ago... I started noticing that she was acting weird (moody, would sit in the dark in the backyard on her phone late at night, stopped hanging out with our friends etc.) I just assumed that she was stressed and didnt think much about it.

Fast forward to about 2 months ago... she started leaving for work (she works about 15 min away from where I work) at 6:30 (I leave at 7:30) to be there at 8. She would come home from work at 7 or 8 (keep in mind she is interning at this company so I doubt that she has that big of a work load) She password protected EVERYTHING she owns: phone, computer, etc and she keeps her door locked when ever she is in there. (At first I didnt realize this but over time I started noticing that these things were locked) She started doing things that were REALLY our of character for her (going to the gym at 12 at night, running out to buy things at all hours of the night) AND her and her boss started carpooling every morning (which is really werid considering that you shouldnt have to leave that early if you are carpooling with someone). O also--- she went to his kids birthday party (sick-- I know)

About a month ago she started acting even more strange: She started leaving for work crazy early (a couple times she was gone by 5:30 am and came home at 11!!!!!) My fiance and I would be gone for a weekend and the house would be dirty when we left (she is really messy) and we would come home and the house would be spotless with fresh flowers out... she started making 2-4 trips to target a day (not everyday , but most days that she didnt work) and coincidently the target that we go to is right by her bosses house... etc. Also I overheard a conversation (that I wish I hadnt heard) which def. confirms it for me + A LOT more information that I dont have the patience to type

So--- being the genius that I

I started putting everything together and realized... well, she is sleeping with her boss... what do I do about that...

I decided to talk with her about it in a calm way (which is hard for me because I want to scream and throw things when I think about it

) and say that I knew what was going on and level with her. (o I forgot to mention that I had brought it from time to time before I decided to officially confront her for EX: Did your boss ever stop texting you at midnight etc. and she told me that she handled it and that they dont even talk anymore)

So I took her out to dinner and told her " I know what is going on with you and ______ and I am not going to yell, or judge you or tell you not to see him or anything like that because you already know that it is wrong and you dont need me to tell you how to live your life. I just want to tell you that I know so that if you need an outlet to vent to about this or if youre in to deep and you dont know what to do etc. I am here for you whether I agree with this or not and you can talk to me about this" (Considering how I feel about this type of thing I thought that was pretty nice of me...)

She responded with " how could you even accuse me of this-- I would never do this ever!" (Even though I have hard core proof that she is) and "you think we are such good friends but I never tell you anything- I never have and I never will". She told me she wanted a life of her own without me "controlling" it and her "own friends" etc. Basically she ripped me a new one and I got pissed threw money down on the table and walked out...

So jumping to current: We havent talked in 4 weeks! I dont know what to do. Unfortunatly she has a history of F-ing up friendships because of guys and I have put up with it for a long time and have taken her back but I dont want to take her back this time. I like her as a person but DONT want to go back to being friends. My problem is she is in my wedding and I dont want to kick her out but it is very awkward to be around her.

WHAT DO I DO!!???

 

[surfgirl]

well, not being you, I''ll be blunt. I''d tell her what you know (the evidence you mentioned) and tell her that her attitude is disturbing. If she''s going to lie to you and be deceptive to you, then you dont want her in your wedding, you''re rescinding your offer to be in the wedding, and you want her to find a new place to live. That or move in with your FI stat. This woman sounds like an accident waiting to happen. I dont think you want to be around when she implodes. You''ve been a good friend from what I''m reading but enough''s enough. I know I sound harsh but I have no sympathy for women like her.

 

[luckystar112]

If you don't want to be her friend, then she shouldn't be in your wedding...period! I think you realize this already.

Ugh...and let me just say...I really can't get my head around women that get involved with married men. Yeah I know, it's the man's fault too. But the woman should KNOW better, IMO.

My aunt and uncle are in the middle of a divorce right now because he has been having an affair with a woman that has been invited into their home many times. It was going on for years, and he hid it so well. This past xmas I stopped by his house to say hello and she was there. Ugh. I almost threw up. This woman was sitting on my aunt's couch drinking out of my aunt's wine glass and watching my aunt's tv. It made me so sick. Of course I started bawling right then and there when it hit me. I hope it made my uncle feel like sh*t afterward. Women that are willing to get into a relationship with a married man hurt a lot more people than just the man's wife!

 

[Love in Bloom]

OMG Bravesfan...I'm going through something similar right now. I haven't talked to my 'friend' and MOH in at least 3 months. My situation is a little different because it stems from jealousy though, and not necessarily control issues, which I suspect your 'roomie' has. My 'friend' is getting feaky jealous over the fact that my fi proposed before hers did, and that we set a wedding date before she got a ring. When she finally did get her ring, she started planning her wedding for the month just before mine, claiming she was trying to make it 'easier on me', although told me she only wanted me to be her MOH because her sister is broke (hence I would have bo pay for shower, bachelorette party, bridesmaid luncheon, etc.). Although I never lived with her, it is so upsetting to try and make a decision on what to do with her in my wedding. I am supposed to be her MOH too...which makes things doubly difficult.

I think the most important thing for you to consider is how you would feel having her there on your wedding day. I am trying to do that myself. At this point I don't even think I could envision having her at my wedding because I think it would be awkward and I want to be able to completely enjoy myself. It sounds like you might feel the same. You said things were awkward b/t you two. Would you really want someone whom you don't consider your friend to be at your wedding? Let alone in your wedding party?? I think that has the possibility of being terribly distracting.

Can you discuss this with your other bridesmaids?? I'm calling a bridesmaids meeting soon...

 

[bravesfan]

Surfgirl: I know- I wish I could be blunt but it took every once in me to confront her the first time and even then I almost got sick. I have no sympathy for her and have lost all respect but I would never be able to tell her this. I just avoid it all together.

Luckystar: I am so sorry to hear about your aunt and uncle. It makes me furious that people are so selfish! My problem is I do like her I just cant be close to her anymore-- I put in all of the effort and she is gone when ever she feels like she might get something better.

Love in Bloom: I am sorry about your situation... Have you told her that you dont want her in your wedding? What do you think you will do?

 

[Love in Bloom]

I''m talking it over with some peeps on the phone right now ARGH!!

 

[bravesfan]

Update!!!!!

I am working from home today and I notice a car drive by our house really slowly. I assumed someone was lost. Then they drove by again and again AND thena woman got out in my drive way and stared at my house for a minute or two and then left!!! What if it is her bosses wife?!?!

I texted my roomate (which is weird because it was the first time we have talked since this happened) and I said are you expecting somone because a woman keeps driving by our house and she got out and just stood their and left.
She had the nerve to say "no" and then joked about my FI coming over to protect me. I dont think it even clicked in her brain that it could be the wife and on top of that ---considering we dont talk that is a weird response dont you think?!?!?!

 

[Love in Bloom]

That is too strange!!! Sounds like she just doesn't understand how deeply her wierd relationship is affecting other ppl's lives. Do you think she has been brainwashed??

 

[monarch64]

She''s treating YOU unfairly by lying to you and being deceptive. When I just read your last post about possibly the boss'' wife driving by your home, OMG, red flags abound! SO not a position to put a friend in, especially someone whose wedding you''re going to stand up in!

I would sit her down and tell her she''s seriously disrespected not only herself, but your friendship as well, and has put you in possible danger by doing so. This gal needs to grow up and realize she just can''t do this without there being repurcussions. I know it will be tough, but let her know that she''s no longer welcome to serve as a BM at your wedding. Have you told your FI about this? See, another problem she''s caused is that you even have to tell him about this and worry him about your current living situation. Ugh, what a frenemy. I really feel for you...

 

[Independent Gal]

This is really a terrible situation. I wonder if she just doesn''t realize what she''s DOING. But the endless deception is really terrible and poisonous, and just think what their behaviour might do to his kids, never mind his wife. If her boss is sleeping with interns, this is also probably not the first time. You make it sound like he was pretty ''skillful'' at wooing her. So she is probably making a fool of herself in addition to making herself into someone who cheats and lies.

I''ve seen some of this before (particularly in graduate school!), and I think ''powerful'' men can get good at making much younger women feel really special and the girls don''t realize they are just another notch on his belt in a long line of affairs.

If it were me, I would definitely ask her not to be in the wedding, not just because she''s lying to you, but even more than that, she''s making a MOCKERY of marriage, and do you really want your MOH to stand beside you on your wedding day, knowing she has so little respect for the institution of marriage?

I seriously feel for you, but I think you need to confront her again and tell her why she''s not in the wedding. It will probably ruin your friendship, but maybe it will make her realize that her behaviour is not without consequences, of which this is probably nowhere near the heaviest.

 

[VRBeauty]

Do you know whether she still plans or expects to be a part of your wedding?

You could write her a note... given the strain in our friendship -- given the change in our friendship -- because we seem to have gone our separate ways -- because I need to start finalizing my wedding preparations -- because we are not as close now as we were when I asked you to be a bridesmaid in my wedding -- I''ve decided not to include you as one of my bridesmaids.

I actually think the bridesmaid question is the easy part. Whether to drop a frienship of 17 years seems to me like the far more difficult question.

 

[bravesfan]

Date: 6/13/2007 9:57:49 PM
Author: MINIMS
Do you know whether she still plans or expects to be a part of your wedding?

You could write her a note... given the strain in our friendship -- given the change in our friendship -- because we seem to have gone our separate ways -- because I need to start finalizing my wedding preparations -- because we are not as close now as we were when I asked you to be a bridesmaid in my wedding -- I''ve decided not to include you as one of my bridesmaids.

I actually think the bridesmaid question is the easy part. Whether to drop a frienship of 17 years seems to me like the far more difficult question.

Minims : I know what you mean as far as ending the long friendship but this isnt the first time she has put me in a horrible situation. Unfortunately she is the most selfish person I have ever met (which is why I am really her only friend) and I have always written it off as a character flaw. In the past she has screwed me over horribly and I was pissed but each time I took her back and made

sure she is ok. i have finally reached my point where I am exhasuted. I dont really get that much out of the friendship anymore, she takes and takes and takes but never gives which is why I think I am ok if the friendship isnt repaired this time.

 

[diamondfan]

I totally do not condone affairs with married men, but I do not want to judge her, and she is an adult. (even though I really cannot think of a scenario in which it would be justified). However, she is your roommate and is involving you by her lies and odd behavior. Maybe she wants to be caught on some level, how else would she justify her clearly noticable new behaviors? And she is putting you under undue stress right before your wedding and being nasty which is not cool at all. Something is clearly off with her, and she is dragging you into it, and the comment about she never tells you things is so not right. What kind of friend is she then? Of course it is awkward, she is being a terrible friend and this is just the last thing you need right now! I wish I had more to offer, but other than flat out telling her the facts and how you know it based on X Y Z, she is invested in keeping it a secret for now, so I doubt she will just fess up.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 6/13/2007 10:28:44 PM
Author: bravesfan

Date: 6/13/2007 9:57:49 PM
Author: MINIMS
Do you know whether she still plans or expects to be a part of your wedding?

You could write her a note... given the strain in our friendship -- given the change in our friendship -- because we seem to have gone our separate ways -- because I need to start finalizing my wedding preparations -- because we are not as close now as we were when I asked you to be a bridesmaid in my wedding -- I''ve decided not to include you as one of my bridesmaids.

I actually think the bridesmaid question is the easy part. Whether to drop a frienship of 17 years seems to me like the far more difficult question.

Minims : I know what you mean as far as ending the long friendship but this isnt the first time she has put me in a horrible situation. Unfortunately she is the most selfish person I have ever met (which is why I am really her only friend) and I have always written it off as a character flaw. In the past she has screwed me over horribly and I was pissed but each time I took her back and made

sure she is ok. i have finally reached my point where I am exhasuted. I dont really get that much out of the friendship anymore, she takes and takes and takes but never gives which is why I think I am ok if the friendship isnt repaired this time.

You saying she''s screwed you over horribly in the past says it all right there. It''s time to clean out your closet and get rid of a frenemy, even if it will upset the balance of your wedding party. Surely you know other gals who could stand in if it''s necessary? This friend/roommates behavior is not cool, and I wouldn''t trust her as far as I could throw her, to be perfectly honest.

I''m the last person to let go of a female friendship, as the good ones are so few and far between, but this girl has disrespected you on so many levels that it''s just time to say goodbye, wedding or no. Think about post-wedding: do you really want to save your current feelings for after and deal with them later? It''s not fair to you to include her in your wedding now and then have to deal with the aftermath when you''re supposed to be living blissfully and happily ever after.
Sorry I''m sounding so harsh, not my personality at all, and i can see why you''d have trouble especially since you live with her currently, but if you don''t get rid of her now (like I think you need to) she''s going to stick around like a bad habit even after you''re married and keep causing problems. To me, best if you just write her off at this point and don''t spend another minute wasting time over her.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 6/13/2007 9:57:49 PM
Author: MINIMS
Do you know whether she still plans or expects to be a part of your wedding?

You could write her a note... given the strain in our friendship -- given the change in our friendship -- because we seem to have gone our separate ways -- because I need to start finalizing my wedding preparations -- because we are not as close now as we were when I asked you to be a bridesmaid in my wedding -- I''ve decided not to include you as one of my bridesmaids.

I actually think the bridesmaid question is the easy part. Whether to drop a frienship of 17 years seems to me like the far more difficult question.

A note? One can''t end a friendship of 17 years with a note! What kind of person does that, even if the friend in question is a selfish b*tch?

Have some dignity about this please. Obviously her track record with you has not been great and you still asked her to be a bridesmaid for whatever reason. I would hope you could be the bigger person, even though it will be tough and tell her how you feel face to face. Try and keep temper out of it and be matter of fact. Easier said than done, I know.

 

[surfgirl]

I agree with others, you need to get this person out of your life immediately. What if that guy''s wife does find out where you live and comes over and you get hurt? Or your property gets damaged because of her actions? You dont need this at all. I agree that you need to sit her down and talk to her and if you feel uncomfortable about it, have you FI there or in the house for back up support.

Do you rent together on the lease? I''m guessing from her behavior that YOU let her stay there but the lease is in your name? If so, give her two weeks to get her stuff out and get another place. Or just move in with your FI or another friend/relative until your wedding and do it quickly and shut down the house so she''ll have to move. But either way, you really need to get her out of your life. She''s nothing but trouble.

You know, I''m in my 40''s now and a good friend told me last year "I only surround myself with people that add value to my life now, because life''s too short to waste it on people that cause trouble or wreak havoc on your life." Good advice, I thought!

 

[decodelighted]

I''ll go one step further ... I *smell* substance abuse. I''ll even guess that part of Mr. Fantastic hooking her on himself, was hooking her on SOMETHING ELSE. Locked doors, changed passwords, people driving by the house -- that seems like more than an affair -- especially with all her crazy hours. People can''t **** THAT much!

Get her out of the house. Get her out of your life. For good this time. Is "the most selfish person I''ve ever met" really friend/bridesmaid/roommate material??

 

[ZoeFL]

Hi bravesfan, you are definately not caught the in the best situation. But I hope to throw another angle here....

Have you ever thought, that perhaps what she told you might be the truth? Nobody likes confrontation. One way to get them to tell is to listen to them, and not start with "I know you did this or that" They often get very defensive and hide facts from you more than ever.

Here''s another angle: what you see or read might not always be the total truth. A glass of brown liquid might look like coke that taste sweet, or it might be an awful bitter tasting chinese herbal soup..... It''s best not to jump to conclusion too quickly. The woman driving by might be looking for a house? or a wrong house? Your gal friend might be hanging out with new friends? Gym or what''s not? Anything is possible.

It''s 17 yrs of friendship.....not an easy journey from your stories. So both of you should treasure this bond even more

I hate to let go a friendship so deep, but, sometimes the best way to love someone is to let her go....

I learnt in my journey that some people are meant to stay a while, some stay a little longer, some stay for life

 

[enbcfsobe]

Date: 6/14/2007 1:53:26 AM
Author: decodelighted
I''ll go one step further ... I *smell* substance abuse. I''ll even guess that part of Mr. Fantastic hooking her on himself, was hooking her on SOMETHING ELSE. Locked doors, changed passwords, people driving by the house -- that seems like more than an affair -- especially with all her crazy hours. People can''t **** THAT much!

Get her out of the house. Get her out of your life. For good this time. Is ''the most selfish person I''ve ever met'' really friend/bridesmaid/roommate material??

I was thinking exactly the same thing. There are substance abuse flags all over this that don''t match up with an illicit affair. This is way more sociopathic than screwing around with the boss, and I think it could be a potentially dangerous situation. Not to sound paranoid or anything, but you might be lucky if it was only the boss''s wife driving by, and not someone trying to collect a debt or law enforcement casing your house.

 

[bravesfan]

Date: 6/14/2007 5:56:30 AM
Author: ZoeFL
Hi bravesfan, you are definately not caught the in the best situation. But I hope to throw another angle here....

Have you ever thought, that perhaps what she told you might be the truth? Nobody likes confrontation. One way to get them to tell is to listen to them, and not start with ''I know you did this or that'' They often get very defensive and hide facts from you more than ever.

Here''s another angle: what you see or read might not always be the total truth. A glass of brown liquid might look like coke that taste sweet, or it might be an awful bitter tasting chinese herbal soup..... It''s best not to jump to conclusion too quickly. The woman driving by might be looking for a house? or a wrong house? Your gal friend might be hanging out with new friends? Gym or what''s not? Anything is possible.

ZoeFL: I did consider this before I confronted her but unfortuantly the things I have heard and seen leave no room for misunderstandings. The "evidence" that I have says it all.

Soooooooooooooooooo NEW DEVELOPMENT!!!

I told her today that I thought the woman that came to our house was his wife and I was concerned for her and our property and she FREAKED OUT! She told me I was F*ing dellusional and that I create "soap opera scenarios" in my mind and then project them on her (WHAT!?!)

THEN she threatened to tell my fiance that I didnt want to get married (which is totally not true-- she is refferring to a time a few months ago when I was stressed and went out with her and our girlfriends and it was because i needed space--- you can still love someone and need space from them) CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!!!! SHE WAS GOING TO LIE AND TRY TO BLACKMAIL ME!!!!!)

What a B****!

I told her that she needs to find alt. living arrangements and that we needed to discuss her role in my wedding. To that she responded that she had paid rent until the end of the summer and that she wouldnt move out any sooner. I told her that we would write her a check for the $ she paid because she wasnt on the lease!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! She continued to tell me that she never told me anything and never will and that this is nothing new and she doesnt see why it is affecting our friendship now. I DIDNT KNOW THAT OUR FRIENDSHIP WAS LIKE THAT UNTIL NOW!!!!

I am soooooooooooooooooooo done! I cant even believe she is doing/ saying these things!!!! OMG!!!!

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 6/14/2007 9:31:47 PM
Author: bravesfan

I told her that she needs to find alt. living arrangements and that we needed to discuss her role in my wedding. To that she responded that she had paid rent until the end of the summer and that she wouldnt move out any sooner. I told her that we would write her a check for the $ she paid because she wasnt on the lease!

Good. Tell her not to let the door hit her @rse on the way out. Don't want anything to happen to the door.

Getting her physically away from you pronto can only help things. Total wackjob, seriously. What a shame.

 

[surfgirl]

Psyyyycho...

So, I hope you get your FI and some of his friends to come over and help you boot her out. I wouldn't trust her alone in my home at this point. She needs to leave now but I'm concerned about you...I'd try to get my FI and some brawny guys to be there to "help her depart"...And then I'd immediately call a locksmith and have ALL the locks changed as well as the windows (put locks on them. she's cookoo!).

Oh, and just give her cash, not a check, I wouldn't want her to have anymore information than she already has on my bank accounts, etc.

 

[bravesfan]

My big problem now is sticking to it... She is at home now and it doenst look like she is packing anything...

 

[Rae~]

Perhaps give her a (reasonable) time frame to move out - ie set down a definite date - and if she''s not out by then, seriously just change the locks.

Also be sure to give her this notice in writing, and keep a log of dates/times of relevant conversations.

It''s always a shame to lose a friend, but you''ve done your best and she frankly doesn''t sound worth any more of your time.

Good luck!

 

[Love in Bloom]

I''m so sorry all of this is happening to you B-fan

. She sounds like a very manipulative and scary person who *thinks* she knows what she is doing, but is, as my grandmother likes to say, she is "rearranging the deck chairs on the titanic." Good thing you are not rearranging with her!!! Stay strong and stick to it!

 

[iheartscience]

Wow, she sounds like a total nutjob. I would definitely document everything from here on out. I think 2 weeks is a reasonable time frame for her to find new living arrangements.

If you feel uncomfortable talking to her alone, get a ballsy friend/relative to come over and help you talk to her. I would keep things calm and just lay out the facts: she needs to find a new place to live, she is no longer in your wedding, etc. I would avoid talking about the affair or your friendship because that would just escalate things.

Also, I would definitely write her a check for the rent she''s already paid so you have a record of paying her back.

 

[NYCsparkle]

Change the locks. when she comes home and has to ring the bell, tell her thats she has til the end of the month...if not pack for her and leave it outside....harsh--yes, but so is she.

 

[princesss]

I don''t have much to add to all the good advice you''ve been given so far, except this: If you give her cash, you have no proof. If you write her a check and she cashes it, you have the proof that you paid her and she can''t sue you later claiming you kicked her out without giving her the money back. If you write her a check and she doesn''t cash it, you still have proof of the fact that you tried to pay her and are willing to. In instances like this I *strongly* suggest leaving a paper trail.

 

[enbcfsobe]

I agree you should get this person out of your house and out of your life asap. Do, however, be careful. Here are a few additional things I would consider in thinking through how best to handle doing so in a way that won''t put you in a bad position legally or safety-wise:

What does her boss do? Is he a lawyer? Is there any indication that he might have ''family connections''?
What was your agreement when she moved in? What are the laws in your state about what forms a lease agreement? Even though she is not on your lease with your landlord, there is some possibility that there might be a sub-lease between you and her that would mean you might have to jump through some specific legal hoops in order to evict her. This may not be the case, but if I were in your shoes I would check it out to make sure.

 

[FireGoddess]

Date: 6/14/2007 10:30:37 PM
Author: surfgirl
Oh, and just give her cash, not a check, I wouldn't want her to have anymore information than she already has on my bank accounts, etc.

No....no receipt if you give her cash, then it's her word against yours that she received it. If you don't want to give her a regular check, get a cashier's check printed. That way there's proof it was done. And send it to her in a way that she has to sign for it.