Bridesmaid trouble!!!

[Gypsy]

I would send her a letter, note, email telling her that you are not upset or even concerned with what she is or isn''t doing with her boss. But that her behavoir that night (and her history with men/friends in the past) has just made it clear to you that the two of you are not as close as you thought, never were, and that you are not going to have her as a bridesmaid at your wedding (whether or not you want her to attend is your call). She has clearly broken faith with you and disrespected you quite a bit. I would tell her that you wish her well, but for the remainder of your time living together all you will be is roomates and as unfortunate as it is, you feel very firmly about this and will not change your mind.

I wouldn''t have her in my wedding. Or really at my wedding. NOT because of her choices regarding her boss. But because she clearly doesn''t value you, trust you, or respect you. And I don''t think I would like someone like that at MY wedding, where every time I looked at them I would feel a sense of loss for what could have been... and obviously never was.

I''m sorry you are going through this.

 

[surfgirl]

Yes, you all are right, better to get a paper trail going. Can you serve someone like this with "papers" or no? I''m thinking aloud. Does your FI know what''s going on? He should. I think you need to give her two weeks to find a new place and give her a date, like: "July 13, you need to be out of the apartment", so there is a clear date for her to be gone. Worst case scenario, you can terminate YOUR lease and close up shop and move. Then she''ll have to move out. It''s harsh but you need to get her out of your life now.

 

[Gypsy]

I agree 1000% with FG! Cash results in small claims court... or Judge Judy and a lot of yelling. Cashier''s check... certified mail. AND make sure she signs a quickly drafted note that you have paid her everything back in full and that you no do not owe her anything further and that she agrees to move out by X date. Also if you split utilities and want to sutract anything from the amount you owe her... make sure it''s on that signed paper that she agrees to it. EVERYTHING should be in writing from now on.

And to whoever it was that said that a 17 year relationship deserves an inperson break up... I suggested writing as a paper trail in case she wants to accuse you of any other thing (think Judge Judy folks) down the line. Paper trail is your friend when you are dealing with unstable people.

 

[enbcfsobe]

On a lighter note, let me add that the title of this post has to be the understatement of the year.

 

[Mandarine]

wow that is crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I actually feel sorry for her....she obviously has some big problems and has gotten herself in a mess so big that she doesn''t even realize.

I understand you are upset...you have every right to be!. I wish I could offer some advice, others have given great advice.

I am in the minority, but I don''t think she knows what she is doing, she obviosuly is embarrassed about what she is doing and this guy has to be playing the biggest mind games ever. She is taking it out on you, but I think it''s out of embarrassment and anger (towards herself most likely). This is a very delicate situation...and she probably needs a friend more now than ever, the problem is that she is the one pushing you away, and you have tried....I would try to end it as peacefully as you can. Maybe one day she will realize how wrong she was and she may need a support system to help re-build her confidence, self-esteem...and to learn to forgive herself. You may not want to be there for her, that would be your decision...or she may never come to you, but regardless, she will be 1/4 of the woman she was once this little "fling" is over. Her confidence, self-respect and esteem will be SO LOW!. I know this from an experience a friend of mine had, it wasn''t easy for her once she got out of it and started seeing things how they truly were.

Sorry to hear about this!...you have tried to do the right thing, now hopefully you guys can go your separate ways ina peaceful manner.

Good luck!

M~

 

[bravesfan]

First I would like to start off by saying that you are all wonderful!!! Thank you so much for the solid advice

I definitlly agree that givung her cash could come back and bite me in the @** and once i get up the courage again to move forward with this I will def do a cashiers check.

enbcfsobe: Her boss is not a lawyer in any way shape or form and I doubt he would help her in any way except say "im sorry this is happening to you". It is to risky for him and he doesnt want to get caught... As far as the lease goes we are renting from my FI uncle and her name isnt on the lease at all. I lived here first and she needed a place to live so I said that it was not a problem to live with me until I got married. She really has no say as far as the living sit goes AS LONG as I pay her the $ back (which is fine with me) ... And yes I should have titled this FOR SALE: CRAZY ROOMATE WHO IS RUINING MY LIFE!!

gypsy: I really dont want her in my wedding at this point but it took everything in me to say she wasnt welcome and to find a new place to live in the first place. I have to get the courage to hold myself to it considering I am not a confrontational person this proves to be difficult...

Mandarine: At first I did feel really bad for her. I am sure this guy is telling her that his marriage has been over for a long time and that he loves her etc. That is why I originally put my emotions aside and tried to be there for her. However that all changed when all of this became "my fault" and she told me that I had made up the entire scenario in my head etc. AT this point she deserves all of the stress she is going through because she is doing it to herself.

 

[luckystar112]

I want to know what you overheard SOOOOO badddd!!!!!!

Was it an "I love you"?
Was it dirty talk?
Was it on the phone or in person?

Are you sure she was talking to HIM, and are you sure there is no way you read into things too much?

Not that I don''t believe you...but it sounds like you confronted her with your "evidence" and she''s still denying it, which either means she''s psychotic or that you''re wrong.

 

[bravesfan]

Date: 6/15/2007 11:50:00 PM
Author: luckystar112
I want to know what you overheard SOOOOO badddd!!!!!!

Was it an ''I love you''?
Was it dirty talk?
Was it on the phone or in person?

Are you sure she was talking to HIM, and are you sure there is no way you read into things too much?

Not that I don''t believe you...but it sounds like you confronted her with your ''evidence'' and she''s still denying it, which either means she''s psychotic or that you''re wrong.

I overheard her say his name and then somethinng that would be restriced on this website.

(our walls are paper thin)

Plus when I went in her room she threw her phone behind her bed!!!!! hahaha!

and I reached back there and gave it back to her ..

We went on vacation and my FI sister (who knew nothing about the sit) came up to me and said "who is ____? " she is buying a keychain that says his name and has hearts on it" Also FI sister said she had seen a text that she wrote him and again not appropriate for the website. Also FI sister was sleeping next to her in the hotel and was awakened by the sound of texting and when she rolled over to look at my roomate, my roomate threw the phone under the covers and pretended that she was asleep...

The list goes on and on but unfortuantly seeing things in writing with names and information pretty much confirms it for me at this point

 

[snlee]

Wow, what craziness!!! Why would you want to create "soap opera scenarios" in your mind and project them on to her!? She''s the one making her life soap opera like!

I''m sorry you are going through this bravesfan. Has she started packing yet?

 

[diamondfan]

I would document it all, but I would not want to be there with her, she sounds nuts to me. She needs counseling or something, but I would just steer clear. Since she is not on the lease and you will reimburse her the rent (with proof that it is being paid) she has no leg to stand on. And as for the wedding? I am not sure I would even invite her, after she did that stuff to me, but I am not someone who forgives easily. A decision you have to make, but it seems like distance is best now.

 

[NYCsparkle]

eventually this whole affair is going to come crashing down on her and probably him once he realizes what a crazy person she is. its unfortunate that his wife and kids are going to be the ones who get hurt here. your "friend" will probably lose her job as well. its only a matter of time before it happens and she''s going to need a shoulder to cry on and some therapy(well she needs it now).

if i were you i''d let her know that she''s only lying to herself if she thinks he''s going to be with her, that she''s a liar, and if she can''t admit to her best friend whats going on then move out and find another one. i think you''d be better off without her so called friendship. she sounds like a vindictive unhappy person who would love nothing more than for you to be miserable too.

 

[Fancy605]

Wow...it sounds like your bridesmaid may be a little brainwashed by this secret lover of hers. I dunno about you guys, but I would be mad if any guy refused to publicly acknoweldge my relationship with him. Why do girls do these sorts of things to themselves?

Date: 6/19/2007 3:00:56 AM
Author: diamondfan
And as for the wedding? I am not sure I would even invite her, after she did that stuff to me, but I am not someone who forgives easily. A decision you have to make, but it seems like distance is best now.

I pretty much agree here...

Or you COULD always invite her and put HIS name down as her guest.

 

[dmamsquared]

Gail has been married for 17 years. It''s been a rocky road; she has taken alot of crap, but she''s a trooper; she is in it for better or worse. Besides that, who else would have him! As time goes on, she begins to suspect her mate of straying. He withdraws. She starts keeping tabs, gathering evidence to support her case. And one day, she musters up enough strength to "confront" him. He shrugs it off, and goes about his merry way. She feels sick. But now he is REALLY not very nice to her. He is hostile, indignant, and downright mean. Part of Gail feels guilty about this. She may even feel that she is responsible in some twisted way. After all, she confronted him (and she hates confrontations)! She doesn''t really want him out of her life. But daggone it, he just refuses to take the high road. And the nerve of him! He is actually going to hang in there and try to make Gail''s life even more miserable! So now Gail looks in the mirror. She asks herself, "Have I had enough? Is this the final straw or am I going to hang in there and try to fix him for the umpteenth time? That''s what Gail has done for the past seventeen years, right? Cleaning up one mess, cleaning up another mess. She expected contriteness or gratitude. And loyalty. What loyalty? And to think no one else would tolerate him as a human being?
In front of that mirror, Gail asks herself, "Have I REALLY had enough?" "Is this the FINAL straw?" Will Gail hang in there, in victim mode, or will Gail finally see this relationship as a toxic one? Now, if Gail chooses the latter, she realizes that she will be charting new territory. The next few words would have to become her mantra: "I am not a victim." "I trust myself." If Gail chooses to fix the broken record, it will probably be for alot of reasons. The thought of a confrontation imight be more repulsive to her. Or does she delight in standing on her higher moral ground? And so the cycle would continue....

I for one, BF, hope you learn to trust yourself. The rest will fall into place!