Broken Engagement

[Gale]

That time could not have been easy for you either Fire & Ice. It's great to read you have managed a happy beginning (I don't want to say happy ending) out of something that has the potential to embitter a soul for a long time. Like any other time of grieving, it is difficult to see past those inital emotions. The way forward is blurry at best, and your feelings are so raw it's hard to know if you are making good decisions or not.

Having family and friends to help at such a delicate time is no small thing. I cannot imagine how things would have turned out for me if they had not been there, with my best interests in their hearts. They held me when I cried. They helped with temporary refuge. They helped organise my move from the house. They helped in seeking legal advice for the splitting of our joint assets. On and on the list goes. They still help by including me in many of their events, with talking and listening, coming over for a meal and so on. Many others are not as fortunate.

 

[fire&ice]

Funny as it sounds - the break-up was the best thing to happen to me. And, the moment I realized it was *his* problem & there was nothing wrong with *me* was when I became content with myself. Being secure with one's self is a gift. Please don't deny yourself of that.

20++ years later, I don't remember the pain. Honestly, I remember the growth.

 

[Gale]

F&I, I am seeing some growth, but I am also experiencing some extreme moments of insanity. Recently, my beloved cousin married the woman of his dreams. I found myself thinking, rather irrationally, that - gee, that could have been me. More than that, I WANTED it to be me. I KNOW this is not good thinking on my part, and fortunately realised it at the time. I took myself out for a private *get-a-grip* moment. Afterall, there was nothing in this special day that was about me. This day belonged to my cousin and his beautiful bride, and the absolute last thing I would want would be for them to think their special time was causing me a problem. I was merely a guest at a special occasion. This thing still feels relatively fresh, although there is a hint of staleness that is beginning to encroach on the whole thing. Constant reminders are in both of our faces - finances, friends and acquantainces, friends and relatives from afar checking in at the house for me. Still there are people at work that ask about Dave, but it's getting easier to tell them we are no longer a thing. I am not so sure that my so-called mature approach is really not a cover for the childish feelngs I struggle to overcome. I have to admit, that I often embarass my own self with the way I sometimes feel about this particular situation. However well intentioned, it is often very difficult to slap your own self effectively (giggles intended).

 

[goldengirl]

I remember your story--and that you understandably, kinda disappeared for a while. Not surprised to see you re-emerge on THIS particular thread to offer the OP the support only a kindred heart can provide.

I am glad to see you are surviving; the loss of a partner is a painful experience, especially when you didn't see it coming.

You are lucky to have friends and family that love you so much.

Don't feel bad for your childish feelings--when I was there, I wanted nothing more than to shatter everything I could get my hands on. Me, the violently non-violent one.

This kind of pain requires that you make everything all about you...you're doing it just right. And, like F&I, 20 years from now when you're married to your soulmate...you'll only remember the growth. ((hugs))

 

[fire&ice]

One thing, you really can't beat yourself up. I can remember when my forever friend eagerly told me of her good news - that she was engaged. I freaked. I offered my best wishes & had the good sense to oogle over the ring. But, I made some lame excuse to get out of there & got in my car, cried a river & headed over to a family friend. Not a proud moment. The harsh reality hit me w/ her engagement. But, ultimately it was a good thing. I remember thinking - this just isn't my situation. I'm not going to be engaged & get used to it.

 

[Gale]

This level headed advice is great! It's also good to know that I am not alone in having had some irrational feelings over this situation. At my cousin's wedding, I felt sooooo... very, very petty in having this silly *it-could-have-been-me* thing going on. My hope is that nobody else noticed but me! Please, please, please let that be so.

Time, that old cliche, is working her magic. These irrational sort of episodes are diminishing, but it is really embarrassing to even admit to my own self that they exist. Guess that's just my vulnerability showing itself to me. This is also something I cannot admit even to my closest friend, as I find myself also terribly ashamed of it. These feelings, however, are real and cannot be denied. They require closer examination in order to resolve any potential issues so life can be lived to it's fullest potential.

One thing's for sure - I will never give up. It does not matter what it is. I will not give up. Plans may change, and priorities might shift, but one day, when my skin is once again comfortable, I will consider going on a date. I might even consider a proposal in the distant future, should the right situation present itself. This experience is not a life ender, it is simply a life experience.

Hopefully Heartbrtoken is reading this thread, and knows that other people have suffered the same fate as she has. Hoepfully she can find some comfort in the well-intentioned words of strangers, and in the experiences of others that have walked this paintful tightrope. Perhaps she can find hope in reading about the collective experience of others, and can know that things don't remain unbearable forever.

Heartbroken, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[jenwill]

Heartbroken- Whatever happens with the ring, please know that there are people out there who are only sending you positive thoughts, and are hoping that at the end of this you end up stronger, happier and finding the one that will treat you with kindness and respect.

Gale- I am so happy to see you posting here! I had wondered how you were doing, and am glad to hear that except for the occasional weekend/evening moments that you are finding the bright spots that are out there. It is wonderful that you have such a supportive communal family to help you, and that you are getting a chance to rediscover 'you'. I know that at the moment you least expect it, when you are radiating the knowledge that you are wonderful and that you only deserve someone wonderful, that that person will appear in your life.

Don't forget you have a big 'virtual family' out here giving you our support too!

 

[Heartbroken24]

I am on my way to work now, i have been pulling alot of extra shifts, right now, so please give me a few days to reply to all of the reply's that I have gotten, Thank you so much for the advice

 

[unicus67]

I am very sorry that you had to experience that.
He was a cad and you will find someone else. Any one that would be so harsh and cheap as to turn off the utilities and break your heart at the same time is big jack...

I wish you the best; I would recommend giving back the ring provided he pays your father back. You'll feel better not having something like that hanging over your shoulder.

In 6 months, you'll have perspective and feel much better about yourself and that you didn't marry a jerk.

Brave New World!

 

[Adrienne]

Heartbroken -

If you are interested (and haven't found 'em before) - check out the website:

www.theregoesthebride.com

It's a website devoted to the support and comfort of anyone whose engagement has ended, or whose engagement might be ending.

I've spent a lot of time on there in the past year!

 

[seeking_jubilee]

How awful. I'm sorry to hear that happen to you.