Broken Engagement

[akw94]

Equ, I''m sorry! I just read your update. I''m sure you''re going through a hard time but glad you''re doing what you feel is best. I understand the not posting on PS too much right now, but if you need us, we are here!
Take care of yourself!!

 

[Mannequin]

Thank you for all the messages. I continue to be amazed by the outpouring of support from the families and friends who have been involved in this situation as it unfolds, but to come back and see your posts is heartwarming to me. I''ve never ever seen a forum where members care about each other like this before.

New Year''s Eve was a total nightmare. One mention of a possible 2007 wedding turned into an all day fight, not even allieviated by going to see "Spamalot" in the early afternoon. He was trying to suggest postponing the wedding while he went home to live with his parents and I stayed through the lease on this apartment, after which I could get another 1 bedroom apartment. Um, hello??? I don''t think so! He couldn''t tell me when he wanted to postpone to, either, so I was expected to be a happy bride to be with NO wedding in sight and NOTHING to plan for whatsoever. It was completely ridiculous! Engagement = intent/promise to marry, and he has no intentions of doing that anytime soon. The final straw was when he and I got home from the musical and I was trying to talk to him, but he took a call from a friend about where they were going for a New Year''s Eve party and if they were doing dinner beforehand. No "I''ll call you back in a minute" or "can you call me in a little while" - just total selfishness. As soon as I saw that he was not going to get off the phone, I was furious. How dare he make plans to get wasted when his relationship with me is falling to pieces in front of him???? I threw all my essentials into an overnight bag and told him I was leaving and that we were done. I told him I''d be back to help him get his stuff out of the apartment the next day and get his key from him, and I left to go to my parents'' place, calling his mom on the way there to tell her what was going on. I spent the evening with my folks and my former MOH.

On New Year''s Day, my parents came down to the apartment with me, just in case things were to get messier than they already were. He was there when I arrived, taking a very small amount of stuff to his car, but I told him everything must go. He was very emotional and kept saying "it doesn''t have to be like this" and asking why I wanted to do this, why we couldn''t still be engaged, etc. I was so angry with him! Basically this split is a decision that finalized over the six months of hell he has put us through over his job and immaturity. I told him so and told him I didn''t want anything to do with him right now. We discussed the lease and since he didn''t want to stay there alone and couldn''t see himself affording it solo, I told him he needed to leave and take as much of his stuff as possible that day. I began boxing and bagging everything I could grab and piling it up by the door. He kept trying to protest, but my dad finally talked to him and got him to stop. He took about four car loads of things back to his parents'' house, and all the while I just kept filling the bags with his things. I left to have dinner with my folks, and when we came back, he arrived for the last load and I got his key as he left.

It''s been a rough week, but I''ve been staying really busy with school and family. I find I am having the hardest time with the before-bed routine because there''s no one prepping for bedtime with me. I still have some of his furniture and have taken a few calls from him trying to arrange to get it picked up, but beyond that we haven''t been speaking much. Every time he calls, he tries to start with the "I still love you" stuff and I end up having to tell him to knock it off. I feel like such a cold b*tch doing that, but it just makes it harder for me and for him. He''s still at the job as far as I know and should be by on Sunday to get his bedroom set and the living room furniture. It''s going to be pretty empty in there for a bit, but I can make do until I get the next round of furniture gets dropped off. I''ve been talking to family and friends constantly, and many have commented about how strong I am and how they give me a lot of credit for having the guts and the strength to give him the boot. I''ve talked to his friends and our mutual friends about the situation so that they can be there to support him in this time, as I feel that he will likely deal with this very differently than I will and will need them to lean on in these coming weeks.

I still don''t know how I feel about this breakup. He was my first serious boyfriend and I was going to marry him, but I guess I am surprised that I don''t feel all that upset. If anything, I feel relieved, because in my gut I feel like as bad as he has been, I hadn''t seen him hit the bottom yet. I could handle the job stress and the wedding stress with him, but the emotional breakdown he was experiencing was far, far beyond anything I was capable of helping with or dealing with and I have a feeling that he was going to get worse and worse before too long. Since I was part of that emotional problem, the best thing I could do for him was to remove myself from the equation and hope that he would do better just to focus on himself, so that is exactly what I did. I feel a little guilty because I know that he truly has lost nearly everything, but I am proud of myself for knowing when enough was enough and when to get out to preserve myself.

I don''t know that I will get too involved on this part of the forum much anymore without a wedding to plan. I have started cancelling my wedding reservations and will be EBaying my dress and shoes soon. I do love seeing what all of you ladies are planning, though, so I''ll likely just visit here and post more elsewhere. Thank you all again for your support, it means a lot to me.

Yikes this was long...

 

[goldenstar]

Equ, I''m very sorry to hear about your difficult New Year''s Eve. I''ve been following this thread and was wondering... have the two of you ever been to premarital counseling? I''ve read that your guy is in therapy but have you ever been to a session as a couple? The reason I ask is that my BF and I recently completed our premarital counseling and it was such a great experience. We really learned a lot about each other and about nurturing our relationship. It helps everyone, problems or no problems. I don''t know where you stand now, maybe it really is over, but couples counseling is just so great that you might want to try it if you decide that you still want to make it work.

I wish you the best.

 

[Mannequin]

Date: 1/5/2007 9:34:51 PM
Author: goldenstar
Equ, I''m very sorry to hear about your difficult New Year''s Eve. I''ve been following this thread and was wondering... have the two of you ever been to premarital counseling? I''ve read that your guy is in therapy but have you ever been to a session as a couple? The reason I ask is that my BF and I recently completed our premarital counseling and it was such a great experience. We really learned a lot about each other and about nurturing our relationship. It helps everyone, problems or no problems. I don''t know where you stand now, maybe it really is over, but couples counseling is just so great that you might want to try it if you decide that you still want to make it work.

I wish you the best.

Yes, we did go through the sessions required by the church back in the fall. We "passed" the test and completed the counseling, and the differences in our personalities (me upbeat and optimistic, him not so much) were highlighted through the discussions. He was not as troubled then as he is now, and the counseling was only about three nights in length.

 

[onedrop]

I am chiming in sort of late here...but I am so sorry that you are going through this. But the good news is you sound like you are holding up well. Going cold turkey with the communication probably helps. Anyway, I just wish you the best during the healing process.

 

[goldenstar]

My BF and I went through 9 sessions with a certified Marriage Family Therapist (MFT). We didn''t want to use religous clergy for our counseling because we were raised under different religions. We also wanted to use an MFT because of their educational background. Each session was supposed to be one hour long be we always went over, sometimes staying two hours (we didnt get charged extra). The drawback is that it was costly, but it was definitely money well spent.

This is the program that we did. it really helped us identlfy our strengths and weaknesses. http://www.prepare-enrich.com/indexm.cfm

 

[Mannequin]

Date: 1/5/2007 10:05:54 PM
Author: goldenstar
My BF and I went through 9 sessions with a certified Marriage Family Therapist (MFT). We didn''t want to use religous clergy for our counseling because we were raised under different religions. We also wanted to use an MFT because of their educational background. Each session was supposed to be one hour long be we always went over, sometimes staying two hours (we didnt get charged extra). The drawback is that it was costly, but it was definitely money well spent.

This is the program that we did. it really helped us identlfy our strengths and weaknesses. http://www.prepare-enrich.com/indexm.cfm

We used the same program and did everything with the MFT as well. I offered to go back to see a counselor with him again, but since he was/is already seeing someone for the self esteem issues, he did not want to go.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I am so sorry to hear this. I am sure you know what it right in your life and it sounds like you are making the right choice (not that this makes it any easier). Hopefully he will get the help he needs to become a happy person. Perhaps one day he will be ready for a commitment. If not I have no doubt you will meet the man you are *suppose* to marry.

 

[KimberlyH]

Instead of offering more sympathy I choose to offer you kudos, for knowing and doing what is best for you. I''ve been there and I know how hard it is; I also know that doing what is in my best interest has paid off in spades. I hope your future holds the same rewards mine did for making the tough but right choice.

Come hang out on the WWT thread, working out is a great outlet for stress.

~K

 

[ky6]

I don''t feel all that upset. If anything, I feel relieved...


I think that this is an indication that you made the right choice. I have been there. It will be tough (more sentimental) at times, but you have to hold on to that gut feeling that this is the right thing for you. It seems that you feel peace about your decision. Continue to stay strong.

 

[FacetFire]

I have been following your story, and I really felt the need to finally chime in and tell you that you amaze me. You are stronger than I could ever hope to be in a situation like this. I consider myself to be a very strong person, but it''s so hard to be strong in this kind of situation. I agree with KimberlyH, you deserve major kudos for doing what''s best for you in the face of pain. Continue to hold strong...this will be more than worth it someday when you are in a situation that is emotionally stable and holds the promise of better things.

 

[IrishAngel7982]

Equ...wow. I would be infuriated at that situation also. I''m sorry you''re having a rough start to the new year. More than ever, it really sounds like you did the right thing. Keep plunging forward girl! The right one will come along when you least expect it. Hang in there, mend your heart, and we''ll be here for you!

 

[Kerbear560]

Date: 1/5/2007 6:59:47 PM
Author: equestrienne

I still don''t know how I feel about this breakup. He was my first serious boyfriend and I was going to marry him, but I guess I am surprised that I don''t feel all that upset. If anything, I feel relieved, because in my gut I feel like as bad as he has been, I hadn''t seen him hit the bottom yet. I could handle the job stress and the wedding stress with him, but the emotional breakdown he was experiencing was far, far beyond anything I was capable of helping with or dealing with and I have a feeling that he was going to get worse and worse before too long. Since I was part of that emotional problem, the best thing I could do for him was to remove myself from the equation and hope that he would do better just to focus on himself, so that is exactly what I did. I feel a little guilty because I know that he truly has lost nearly everything, but I am proud of myself for knowing when enough was enough and when to get out to preserve myself.

I''m so sorry to hear your update, but after reading your most recent post (especially the part highlighted above about how you''re feeling after the breakup), like ky6, I definitely get the feeling that you did the right thing for you. Stay strong...I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. Hopefully, this will be the wake-up call that he needs to pull himself together, and if not (and at this point I''m sure you don''t even want to think about this), I have no doubt that when the time is right you''ll meet the right man for you. *hugs*

 

[bee*]

I agree with Kimberley. I am in awe of how strong you are. After reading your last post, I definitely think that you did the right thing for you, especially if you dont think he has reached the bottom yet. I know that it must have been extremely hard for you, but you must take care of youself first and foremost

 

[Mannequin]

I am thinking that I may move anything I want to post here as an update to a different part of the forums like FHH, as I''d hate to be a "buzzkill" to you gals happily planning away at your weddings. As always thank you all so much for your support.

Had a rough day today, as my ex was moving out the last of his things. He had a moving company come to pick up his furniture and he signed off on the lease for the apartment at the rental office. He was crying when he arrived and we sat down and made small talk for a bit. Sounds like he is also feeling relieved about how things have turned out, but he is having a really hard time too. He asked me if I was angry with him about what had happened, and I told him that I wasn''t angry, just disappointed. Expecting him to be an equal and a partner with me when I am at least 4 mature adult years ahead of him on everything was not the best choice, and now I have to try and untangle two lives that have twined together for 5 years. He wanted to know if we could still be friends, and I said we could but it would be hard right this moment to feel that way. I made myself busy putting away Christmas decorations as his movers came and began loading the truck. He was lingering at the door as the movers took the last item out and I saw him start to cry as I saw him out. Seeing him tear up made me start to cry as soon as I shut the door.

My family came by later and dropped off a free glider chair, couch and loveseat they had "adopted" for me from one of my mom''s coworkers. The furniture is clean and nice, and will be fine to use for now. I only have a jewelry chest and a nightstand in my bedroom now, so I am using my old Pier 1 pull-out loveseat from my first apartment as a bed until I can get to the local IKEA or furniture stores to bring in a new bedroom set. I pulled that into the bedroom and made up a "bed" of sorts, which the cat inspected and approved. I went out to grab dinner with my family, but on the way home knowing that I was going home to a relatively empty place with strange furniture in it made me break down. I lost it as soon as I walked in and looked around at what has become of my place. I''ve been so down this evening. I had a call from a friend of mine a little while ago, and she helped me feel a little better, but I still am having a hard time tonight. Since all of his things are now gone, it''s the first day this breakup has seemed real to me. I know that things will feel better eventually, but it''s a seemingly slow and daunting process to me right now. I have to learn how to live with myself and this decision and let the lingering little doubts die away so I can stop questioning whether or not I did the right thing. I feel in my mind that I did the best possible thing, but my heart doesn''t want to believe me so easily.

 

[AndyRosse]

Oh equestrienne, I''m so sorry about everything you are going through right now...

Just remember, we are all here for you. Lean on us anytime.

 

[Mannequin]

KimH, I will also begin posting a little in the WWT. I had intended to get involved there this year in preparation for my wedding dress this summer as well as wanting to make a change in myself, but I am still going to continue doing so anyway for the stress relief and the recipes and the camraderie.

 

[diamondfan]

Equ, I am sure with time it will get better. Am I to understand that he really overall was not really ready for the whole marriage and commitment and was just not open with you? Maybe things with him will work out if you have some time apart, and if they do not, I hope you have the strength to be okay with it...I think things happen for a reason and that even where there is pain there is growth and learning too...good luck, and know it is normal and right to grieve, you would not be human if you did not feel some sense of loss even as you feel you did the right thing...