Brunch the day after a wedding?

[ladykemma]

Date: 4/6/2007 1:15:24 PM
Author: Gypsy
Tacori... its a matter of balancing the celebration with reality. The reality is that people have lives. And as much as I might love someone and be happy for them the fact that they assume that I have nothing better to do than to attend:

A ''celebration'' on Thursday or a rehersal dinner on Friday.
THEN
The wedding on Saturday.
THEN
A brunch on Sunday.

It''s frankly ridiculous. The number of hoops I am willing to jump through is not a measure of how happy I am for them or how much I love them.

The WEDDING is the celebration. You don''t need to force people to prove thier happiness for you on TWO or THREE separate occasions.

exactly.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 4/6/2007 4:46:19 PM
Author: ladykemma

Date: 4/6/2007 1:15:24 PM

Author: Gypsy

Tacori... its a matter of balancing the celebration with reality. The reality is that people have lives. And as much as I might love someone and be happy for them the fact that they assume that I have nothing better to do than to attend:


A ''celebration'' on Thursday or a rehersal dinner on Friday.

THEN

The wedding on Saturday.

THEN

A brunch on Sunday.


It''s frankly ridiculous. The number of hoops I am willing to jump through is not a measure of how happy I am for them or how much I love them.


The WEDDING is the celebration. You don''t need to force people to prove thier happiness for you on TWO or THREE separate occasions.

exactly.

Exactly?!? How is inviting someone to your home for brunch assuming that people have nothing better to do? I guess I am missing the hoops? It is OPTIONAL! You go, you don''t go. WHO CARES! The question was about wedding brunches not if you like to go to them. Do you feel FORCED to go to everything you are invited to? I sure don''t!

 

[diamondfan]

Gosh there are some scrooges out there

Sheesh, what a tough room!

I think these things are planned so IF you come to town early and do not have other plans you have something to do. It is meant to be something NICE.

I really doubt ANYONE is doing it to bum a guest out. You have the option NOT to attend (what a concept). And trust me if they did NOT do something, people would bitch how chintzy it was that there was NOTHING planned after people traveled, and came to a place where they do not know anyone. I am sure the hosts are not spending all that money and making all of those plans in order to piss anyone off or have anyone there who is not wanting to participate. If you feel the wedding is IT, go to that and that alone. You just can''t win, there is no pleasing everyone, so I say, OP, do what is in your heart or your families heart, and those who feel they do not wish to come just won''t attend. Matter solved.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 4/6/2007 5:50:10 PM
Author: diamondfan
Gosh there are some scrooges out there

Sheesh, what a tough room!

I think these things are planned so IF you come to town early and do not have other plans you have something to do. It is meant to be something NICE.

I really doubt ANYONE is doing it to bum a guest out. You have the option NOT to attend (what a concept). And trust me if they did NOT do something, people would bitch how chintzy it was that there was NOTHING planned after people traveled, and came to a place where they do not know anyone. I am sure the hosts are not spending all that money and making all of those plans in order to piss anyone off or have anyone there who is not wanting to participate. If you feel the wedding is IT, go to that and that alone. You just can't win, there is no pleasing everyone, so I say, OP, do what is in your heart or your families heart, and those who feel they do not wish to come just won't attend. Matter solved.

So what I really need is to learn to just say NO? I can do that.

I have to admit: As a bride I get hives at the thought of having to spend all that time with all those people, so I can't imagine WANTING to host all these events. I'm really just happiest with one to six people I really care about than at a party with a ton of people I have to socialize with. It really has nothing to do with the cost. If I hosted a Saturday evening event I think I'd rather just give all my guests gift certificates to a brunch place so that they get fed without my having to spend even MORE time with them.

I'm horrible aren't I?

To be honest. I just don't LIKE many people. I have a small circle of close friends (not all of whom get along. My friends are very varied in their backrounds) who I love to spend time with and everyone outside of that I enjoy seeing every once in a while... but if I see them to often I find I'm just tolerating their presence.

That's why I like this place. I get some social interaction with fun, friendly, and fabulous people... but whenever I've had too much, it all does away with just the click of the mouse.

OMG!

My mother was right!

I AM ANTISOCIAL.

 

[diamondfan]

that is totally fine! you are entitled to feel not socially inclined, there is no rule that says you have to be. now, during a wedding celebration, people do like to see and hang with you...but you do what makes you comfy. You do not need to make yourself stressed out over it, no one wants that...they just want to be with you and celebrate...but of course, you do not have to make yourself unhappy. And a lot of times it is true that the bride and groom do not even go to all of the events, they are busy and keeping to themselves, and it purely social for for the guests and family. As the bride and or bride and groom you can make an appearance, but I have attended events like this and if the bride and groom are there it is a bonus...but I do not 100% expect it.

PS...some people are more social generally, and that is fine. But, in this type of case, most people come and want to celebrate with you, and it is not to torture you or burden you. Some people only want a very small affair, not a lot of hoopla, and that is totally fine. No one says someone has to be a very gregarious person or want tons of people around.. but if you have such an event, just try to get to a place where you are okay with socializing and can at least get through the event with a minimum of fuss.

 

[sumbride]

Gypsy, your last post is kind of reminding me of what you posted about the drive-by bridal shower. "Come to my wedding and then get out!"

While everyone has a different kind of wedding, for ours, we''re having about 80 guests traveling several hundred miles, but about 300 or so guests will be local. It seems unfair for me to spend the 4 minutes per guest on everyone including the people who came so far. So they''re invited to the RD so we can spend some time with them. They can, of course, decline. If they''re still in town, they''re welcome to come to the wine dinner the night after the wedding, but under no circumstances do I expect them to make their plans around it. The place we''re going is someplace I know well but most of them have never even heard of... it seems like they would appreciate some sort of guide, some sort of suggestions, somebody to pay for their food... but of course, they don''t have to come to any of it, even the wedding, if they don''t want to. I think there is a tremendous difference between hospitality and forcing people to do stuff.

Maybe it''s best to remember that people aren''t out to get you.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Ah, so the truth comes out Gypsy!

I thought it was slightly strange you were SO against them (Not sure what Lady''s deal is). You should learn that is okay to say no. It will make your life a lot easier! Your friends don''t want you to be uncomfortable. I never thought it was rude or strange that certain people didn''t show up. It was really not that big of a deal. But not everyone is antisocial and my parents love to throw parents. A wedding is a good excuse but that doesn''t mean we were the center of attention. There were no cakes or toasts or anything. It was just a relaxed get together. Like DF said it is something that is just NICE to do.

 

[Gypsy]

Come to my wedding then Get Out. Yeah, that's about right.

Don't bring a gift. It's not worth it to me. Just stay as long as you need to so that we both feel that you've done your duty. Eat and Drink so that we both feel I've done my duty. Then leave me be with the 15 people I WANT to spend time with.


BUT. I was raised by a VERY social mother who hosts or attends dinner parties 4 times a week. Throws huge parties several times a year so I have manners and can do the pretty. I would never SAY that or imply it. In fact most people who meet me think I'm EXTROVERTED and gregarious!

I put on a good show.

I hate putting on a good show. It drains me.


ETA: YOu know that's probably why I hate the brunch thing. I think that if I decline people will be able to FIGURE IT OUT that I do not want to be with them. Which, in the case of family weddings. I don't. And so I feel that by declining I'm being rude.

 

[zoebartlett]

Wow, this thread took on a whole other tone than I had thought it would. I think it''s a nice thing to do to have a brunch (or something) the following day. I don''t feel it''s a necessary thing to do, but it does add a nice touch and it caps the weekend in a fun way. To me, it''s one last time before they leave to see family and friends who have traveled (potentially a long way). I look forward to going to any activities related to a wedding I''m attending, if I''m invited. My boyfriend, on the other hand, might not. He might feel obligated and would only be attending the additional events because they mean something to me. I''m more of a social butterfly than he is. I''m not getting married yet but I asked the original question just to see what others typically do. I can understand if someone doesn''t attend the extra festivities, for whatever reason.

 

[diamondfan]

Gypsy, if people think you are gregarious, I doubt they would think anything about your not attending a brunch, they might just think you cannot make it for a variety of reasons. It is unlikely they would attribute rudeness to your lack of attendance, some people can make it and some cannot.

 

[Kaleigh]

I''ve been to many weddings where there is a brunch the day after. I think it''s nice especially for those that have travelled to be there. I don''t see it as a must. Do what you want... To each his/her own. And yeah sometimes I don''t want to go to the brunch either, but feel like I''d be rude not to attend after they went to all the trouble of doing one. I see both sides.

 

[Gypsy]

Okay so, my secret is safe?? I really do hope so. I''m the despair of my mother.

My name is Gypsy and I''m a social anti-social person.

People usually assume the reason we turn down invitations to things is because of DF... little do they know

Kaleigh, still and all I''m glad to know that you and Lady K see the anti-brunch POV.

 

[ladykemma]

well, if you have to fly home, do the chores and the shopping, iron and get clothes ready, and get to work the next day, it''s too much. (thursday) friday, saturday, enough.

If i had the week off, i would reconsider.

I am very social, but three days of my friends/family, travel, and I need downtime.

If it were me i would house everyone in a nice hotel and have an optional brunch there.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 4/6/2007 9:14:22 PM
Author: ladykemma
well, if you have to fly home, do the chores and the shopping, iron and get clothes ready, and get to work the next day, it''s too much. (thursday) friday, saturday, enough.


If i had the week off, i would reconsider.


I am very social, but three days of my friends/family, travel, and I need downtime.


If it were me i would house everyone in a nice hotel and have an optional brunch there.

Then you DO NOT go. Does that mean it is wrong to offer it just b/c you cannot or do not want to go? I think if you are getting married and you want to throw a brunch you should. End of story. People can come or not. I don''t see what the big deal is. If you don''t want to throw a brunch I don''t think anyone would think it odd or rude.

 

[diamondfan]

G, I see it, which is why I say just do not go. But trust me there are just as many people, if not more, expecting it, and feeling annoyed if there is NOT one. (I have heard it ALL). You do not have to dance with a lampshade on your head, and really, there is room for all kinds of personalities in the world. I hate being the center of attention, I did want to walk down the aisle and be stared out, but there was really no choice. I did not attend the brunch the morning of my wedding, but I heard it was nice. Things have just seemingly evolved in planning these events, and being a gracious host or hostess often involves doing things to make others feel welcome. For my son''s bar mitzvah, I had guests appear the Wed prior, so I did events Thursday night, Fri night, the event itself Sat (people had all day Sat til 5:00 pm to do what they wanted) and then a brunch Sunday. Was I exhausted? Sure. Did I just want to stay home and sleep? Heck yeah. But some people came from Europe and Canada and had not seen eachother in years and might not see eachtother for years again if at all, and mostly it was a happy time.

 

[Gypsy]

I can believe it. Not to be unkind but my mother would be one of the ones doing the muttering. She''s a great hostess and has no tolerance for anyone who doesn''t meet her standards in such cases.

I give a great dinner party too, as a result. And DO enjoy that, because I control the guest list and the size of the event.

 

[diamondfan]

I like smaller rather than larger too, when I can do that. My wedding was good sized and I did not get to spend good time with anyone, and it was stressful to boot. Not fun. Might have been better to elope and throw an amazing party after, I would have been calmer and less stressed for sure!

 

[Gypsy]

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 4/7/2007 12:16:08 AM
Author: Gypsy

Why don''t you just elope then? You can avoid any discomfort.

 

[Gypsy]

If it were my decision alone we would. Trust me. I've been bombarding FI with links to destination wedding sites for a small wedding for us and maybe 10 people but... the only elope he will do is Vegas. And I am NOT doing Vegas. My mother would crucify me. It's just not worth it... every time someone got married it would be, "So and so is getting married here... if you hadn't gone to Vegas you could have done that too... and her mother is so happy!"

No way. The woman is... you know how people joke about Jewish Mothers? They've got nothing on disgruntled Persian Mothers.

 

[surfgirl]

I think a day after brunch depends on whether or not most people are coming in from out of town or if it is a destination wedding. My sister had friends of her husbands that hosted a rather lavish brunch so it was part of the weekend wedding thing. In any case, I''d either not offer it, or be prepared to pay for it. I dont think its right to expect someone to fly to your wedding, buy you a gift and then have to pay to attend an official brunch event. But that''s just my $0.02... Or you could just host a small brunch for out of towners?