Can I put my foot down and say "because I want to"???

[EricaR]

Arg

Grrrrrr

Bah

That is me today. We are doing a destination wedding to Mexico, 7 guests, most of whom don''t know each other. Everyone is flying in on Thursday, we want to do a group activing on Friday, and the wedding is Saturday. I REALLY wanted to go to Chichen Itza for the group activing. Everyone was on board, but my FFIL was only so-so on the idea. Suddenly he has a new girlfriend and he told us yesterday that he will not go to Chichen Itza with us. So we emailed back with a list of other possible activities and he would rather just sit on the beach all day with his girlfriend.

That is fine with me, really. I don''t want to drag he and his girlfriend along if they don''t want to be there, but now my FI doesn''t want to do anything that day out of fear of "excluding" his dad. Really? Seriously? We invited your dad, he has an open invitation, and he can come along if he chooses. He is the one who doesn''t want to join us, so why would that mean that we have to cancel all of our plans? He also wants to have a private dinner that night with his girlfriend rather than a group dinner.

FI and I have argued about this on email all day long today. I''m feeling really hurt, FI is upset with me so is turning back and arguing about concessions we made to my parents (we gave in on inviting someone, but it is a moot point now as this person won''t be attending). This is quickly spiraling out of control with hurt feelings on both sides which is the last thing I want. But really? Would you go ahead with a group activity anyway? I don''t see any problem with going. It isn''t that we are excluding him - he is choosing not to join us...

Add this to the stress of my reception dinner venue falling through and my small, no stress wedding has become a huge headache.

 

[neatfreak]

Yes you can. And should.

BIG HUGS.

 

[Porridge]

Yes, yes you can. And ditto that you SHOULD!

 

[kittybean]

Date: 1/20/2009 7:26:26 PM
Author:EricaR
It isn''t that we are excluding him - he is choosing not to join us...

Exactly. It is his choice, and to me, it sounds like he is treating the trip as a getaway with his girlfriend, not as his son''s wedding! Not very considerate of him. Logically, it is not excluding someone if they don''t care to be included.

I also vote for putting your foot down and having a lovely outing to Chichen Itza. Sorry it''s come to be such a headache!

 

[packrat]

It''s YOUR day..not FIL''s day. He doesn''t have to participate if he doesn''t want to and if he doesn''t, it''s his loss. Do what makes YOU happy! You did say you emailed a list of alternatives, and he still didn''t want to-so you''ve tried to be accommodating.

 

[Lulie]

Don''t argue Erica, he''s just ''having some

time w/girl''
Go, enjoy the sun, let them be.

 

[panda08]

Absolutely!

You''re not excluding his dad from the group activity, he just doesn''t want to join. If he suddenly didn''t want to go to Mexico, would your FI say the wedding''s off? His argument is silly.

Do the group thing and have fun!

 

[FrekeChild]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Screw ''em....

 

[EricaR]

Thanks everyone!

I''m trying to be really reasonable here. I HATE that FI and I are fighting about this. I finished working an hour and a half ago, but here I am sitting at work avoiding going home because I don''t want to go home to a big fight. I know that is what is waiting for me.

I made the mistake of trying to reason this out over email today and should have just waited and talked about it in person this afternoon. It went like this:

Me: I think we should go anyway
FI: That would be rude
Me: No, he is still invited. I don''t want to change everyone''s plans because one person doesn''t want to go
FI: We gave into your parents on xyz issue
Me: True, but none of those things involved changing everyone else''s plans AND both of those issues are moot
FI: Well, at least my dad reminded us to make our travel plans. If he hadn''t done that we wouldn''t be this far with planning. We should thank him for that!
Me: Ummm, not related to the issue at hand
FI: It is!!
Me: No, and I don''t really want to fight about it

Haven''t heard a peep from him since. Its stupid to be hiding out at work but I so don''t want to go home right now. I''m tired and emotional and I wish this hadn''t become such a big deal...

 

[panda08]

Sorry you''re hiding out at work. I find that things can get out of hand over email but are resolved much easier in person. *HUGS*

 

[iheartscience]

I''m probably too late, but you should definitely keep your plans for the group activity!

It sounds like your FIL just plain doesn''t want to do anything but sit on the beach, which there is nothing wrong with, really. I mean, should the entire group sit around on the beach with him and his girlfriend for the group activity so he''s not excluded?

 

[swingirl]

Is the FFIL''s girlfriend invited to the group activity? Is the group activity diner? I am confused. Are you inviting him to the dinner but not his date? Or is he just choosing to not join. It seems odd. Why would they not want to join?

 

[pocahontas]

Date: 1/20/2009 7:40:41 PM
Author: kittybean

Date: 1/20/2009 7:26:26 PM
Author:EricaR
It isn''t that we are excluding him - he is choosing not to join us...

Exactly. It is his choice, and to me, it sounds like he is treating the trip as a getaway with his girlfriend, not as his son''s wedding! Not very considerate of him. Logically, it is not excluding someone if they don''t care to be included.

I also vote for putting your foot down and having a lovely outing to Chichen Itza. Sorry it''s come to be such a headache!

Agreed! I''m really late to this thread, but I hope you and FI were able to work things out this evening.

 

[Deelight]

Date: 1/20/2009 11:43:58 PM
Author: thing2of2
I''m probably too late, but you should definitely keep your plans for the group activity!


It sounds like your FIL just plain doesn''t want to do anything but sit on the beach, which there is nothing wrong with, really. I mean, should the entire group sit around on the beach with him and his girlfriend for the group activity so he''s not excluded?

Ditto, your FFIL chose to exclude himself.

 

[EricaR]

Around 7 last night I quit hiding at work and went home. FI had left a note that he went to see a movie, so I guess the hiding was unnecessary but it let me calm myself down.

When he got home he walked in very very quietly. His dad had emailed him stating that he did not want to participate in any activity because his first priority for the trip was to relax with his girlfriend. Although, if the activity was good enough he might be willing to spend 45 minutes to an hour with us. He did follow it up with a request that none of us do anything...

I took that email for K to realize that his dad was just being selfish and difficult. Its not that we are asking him to pay for anything or that we are asking him to do something difficult or trying. We just wanted to have some fun with him! OH! His email also said that his girlfriend is afraid of the water, so now we have to cancel our dinner cruise.

We ended the night on good terms, and K apologized profusely for yesterday. I''m still a bit worked up but am trying to relax. I''m just worried that if he is being so difficult now, what is he going to be like when we are there?

 

[pocahontas]

Date: 1/21/2009 12:55:09 PM
Author: EricaR
Around 7 last night I quit hiding at work and went home. FI had left a note that he went to see a movie, so I guess the hiding was unnecessary but it let me calm myself down.

When he got home he walked in very very quietly. His dad had emailed him stating that he did not want to participate in any activity because his first priority for the trip was to relax with his girlfriend. Although, if the activity was good enough he might be willing to spend 45 minutes to an hour with us. He did follow it up with a request that none of us do anything...

I took that email for K to realize that his dad was just being selfish and difficult. Its not that we are asking him to pay for anything or that we are asking him to do something difficult or trying. We just wanted to have some fun with him! OH! His email also said that his girlfriend is afraid of the water, so now we have to cancel our dinner cruise.

We ended the night on good terms, and K apologized profusely for yesterday. I'm still a bit worked up but am trying to relax. I'm just worried that if he is being so difficult now, what is he going to be like when we are there?

Erica, OMG, I'm beyond speechless! FFIL's first priority should be celebrating the marriage of his son and not frolicking with his new girlfriend! I'm so annoyed for you

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this crap, but thankfully you and FI were able to work things out. I know it's difficult, but please try not to let FFIL's negative energy and selfish attitude ruin your wedding and celebration with those who love and support you (((hugs)))

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Why on EARTH is FFIL being so gosh-darn-selfish?! I''m glad that FI is beginning to realize that his dad is acting in an unfair manner... Don''t stress to much about how FI will react once you''re at the wedding. I''m sure he''ll be having a great time and so caught up in the fun of the wedding that he will want to have a blast with you and your other guests... and ignore FFIL & his new little chickie-poo.

It sounds like FFIL feels some guilt about not being a team-player, as evidenced by his request that everyone else lounge on the beach and do nothing. And pardon my language but f*c^ his girlfriend''s fear of water! THIS IS YOUR WEDDING! YOUR OOOONLY WEDDING. Do not forget this point. It is one thing to be an accommodating hostess, it is another to sacrifice every fun thing you want to do on YOUR trip because a relative stranger doesn''t feel like participating.

Oy.

Sister- do what YOU want to do for YOUR BIG DAY.

 

[sumbride]

If his first priority for the trip isn''t the wedding, you should not cater to him.... He should arrive several days earlier to get all that relaxing and frolicking out of his system! Or stay longer for that! No, nobody should be expected to participate in every single event, but they shouldn''t expect things to revolve around them! Just went to a DW in Playa, and all the activities (aside from the wedding) were optional, but we went to almost all of them. One of the events was a cruise, so one of the guests who gets seasick opted not to go... which was FINE. Everyone else still went. My DH went on an ATV adventure with the groom. The girls decided they wanted to do one too, so they went, but I skipped it due to back problems. We did dinner alone once, but it was the night after the wedding, when most everyone had already left.

Hold your ground girl, and have a great wedding!

 

[elrohwen]

I absolutely think that you should continue with your planned activity. First, I''m sure everyone else will love it and love the bonding experience. And second, it''s your wedding and you should get to do whatever activity you want. You''re only in Mexico with your family for a short time, so you should get to spend time with them doing something fun.

 

[Bex215]

Wait. What?! I''m probably going to sound like a super bridezilla here, but isn''t this YOUR wedding??? If he wants to spend quiet, quality time with his GF, he can take her on a separate vacation once your wedding is over.

And hello? She''s afraid of water and wants to sit on the beach all day? It would seem to me that a person who is afraid of water might maybe want to be AWAY from the water doing other things....like taking a trip elsewhere.

If I were you, I would be having the BIGGEST temper tantrum right now! You cancelled your dinner cruise for this chick? Have you ever even MET her?? I could see if it was his wife, but it sort of sounded like they just started dating, in which case, making all these concessions for HER is completely ridiculous! If she doesn''t want to come, fine. But don''t change YOUR wedding plans for her! That''s CRAZY!

In my opinion, your FI needs to grow a pair and be frank with his dad. If it were his mother or someone very close and special, I would understand. But this dude is acting like its HIS vacation and not his SON''S WEDDING!

Sorry if I sound crazy, but this would SERIOUSLY piss me off! You shouldn''t have to spend your beautiful, fun wedding running around making everyone comfortable. They are all adults. If they don''t want to play nice, it''s their loss.


DON''T change your plans. If they don''t like it they can stay home!

 

[swimmer]

Oh your poor FI, can you imagine if your father put you that low on his list of priorities? "if we have some time, my sweet honey and I might take a minute away from our lounging activities to see you get married...and could you make sure that you get married in a shady moment? She doesn''t want to miss a minute of peak tanning hours."
I can see why he was testy in the email exchange, who wants to be second fiddle to dad''s gf? Good thing he has an awesome and supportive FI in you.

 

[brooklyngirl]

WOW! I bet your FI is crushed. No one wants to be their father's last priority. FFIL was invited on the trip to attend his son's wedding, and that should be first priority

!

Ugh, I say screw 'em both. It's YOUR wedding, and I don't see why you need to bend over backwards to accomodate someone who a)doesn't care to be there, and b) doesn't have any ties to you or your FI. Chances are, she won't even be around a year from now, so how will it feel to know you backed down on what you wanted for your special day because of someone who ISN'T EVEN IN YOUR LIFE MAY NOT EVEN BE AROUND LONG ENOUGH TO ATTEND YOUR WEDDING?

If they don't want to go to the activities, they can not go, and if gf doesn't like the water, well then FFIL can skip the dinner and stay w gf. Or he could do the more honorable thing, and let her have some alone time, while he celebrates his son's wedding, which was the whole purpose of the trip!

Oh, and don't even get me started on the request that no one else participate in any activities because he doesn't want to -- the NERVE

 

[bee*]

That''s so rude of his dad to not bother enough about his son''s wedding. Sorry that you and your Fi were arguing and I''m glad that you guys made it up. Do your plans as you wish.

 

[amcgookin]

Erica I say go back to Dukes and have a Hula Pie. That will take all your worries away!

No seriously sorry about your FFIL being so difficult. Hopefully your FI will see how unreasonable he is being. I would be hesitant to change your scheudule around for the FFIL if he isn''t chaning his schedule around for you guys. I mean isn''t your wedding the whole reason for why he is going to Mexico anyway??? Also just tell the girlfriend to put on a lifevest for the cruise and all will be ok

Good luck. Loved the pic you posted of Huntington by the way! Love my city!!!!

 

[indypitty]

Wow... This sounds like deja vu! We were also married in Mexico, this past June, and FIL also brought a new girlfriend with him. She was clearly his priority as well, because we saw him at the wedding and that was the ONLY time we saw him the whole time! BTW, his girlfriend did not come to the wedding, nor was she invited (whole other story...). Oh well, DH''s feelings were hurt, of course, but we did not let FIL ruin our time. Yes, he was selfish, but he paid for the trip and it was his perogative as to how he wanted to spend his time. Hope everything workd out for you! I know all weddings are stressful, but DW''s offer a whole new set of issues...

 

[VRBeauty]

Do not change your plans to accomodate FFIL and his sweetie.

Once you''ve made that decision...

Do not give it another thought. Just let go of it and enjoy your time with the rest of your guests.

 

[EricaR]

Thank you for all your support!!! It really means a lot to me.

I will say that we have met FFIL''s gf a few times. It is sort of a weird situation with her. My FI''s step mother passed away last Feb and FFIL has stated that his only goal for 2009 is to get married. He and his gf are "engaged to be engaged" and will probably get married a month or so after we do. If we weren''t getting married in April I think they''d be getting married sooner. Either way, we don''t know her that well and I''ll fully admit that each day I''m becoming more and more resentful that we are changing everything around for her.

We''ve decided to go ahead with a "group activity" the day before the wedding, and at my FI''s insistance we are cancelling the dinner cruise. He said that he''d rather have everyone together than to stick with a plan that will exclude his dad.

Now I wonder what drama is coming up next...

 

[EricaR]

Ok seriously, this woman is annoying the crap out of me!!!

FFIL and his gf are now officially engaged. That means she has taken it upon herself to make all sorts of demands about the wedding, moreso than she was previously. For the sake of clarity I''ll refer to her as D.

(allow me to be totally catty here for a minute: ffil bought her a HUGE rock, princess cut, looks like frozen spit. she asked if I wanted to pull out my loupe to look at it closer but I held it at the end of my arm and said that I could see plenty, thanks! /end bitchy moment)

Things that have come up this week:

1. My mom and I are getting pedicures the morning of the wedding. I sent an open invite to all four of the female guests (my mom, D, fsil and friend) to see if they wanted to come along. Everyone but D wants to come but D isn''t happy - she wants me to arrange a mani/pedi AND a massage for her. Ummmm, the hotel only does really basic things and you''ll have to go somewhere else for a massage, but I offered her info on a few places locally that offer them. That isn''t good enough for her so she''s demanding that we change locations for our pedicures. Nope, sorry, we are doing them at the hotel which is setting aside room for all of us to get ready. Not changing that.

2. The hotel is a WHOLE additional issue. Last week at dinner she pulled me aside to let me know that the wedding is costing FFIL about $8k. I was shocked! FI and I are flying to and from the same airports AND staying for two weeks and it is only costing us $4k. True, FFIL is paying for three people (he''s covering FSIL''s trip), but they insisted on flying First Class on a certain airline (at four time the cost of our airfare). Then, they decided to stay in the largest suites available at the hotel at about $600/night each. I calculated it out and the math didn''t add up so I asked her and

3. They decided to stay three nights past the wedding! We explained that it was our honeymoon and that it was OK to stay but they shouldn''t expect us to be around or available for anything as we already had plans. D freaked out - "Your FIL is spending X amount of money and you won''t even spend time with him?!" etc etc etc. Ok, whatever lady! Remember when we were trying to spend time with him the day before the wedding and all you guys wanted to do was hang out on the beach? Plus, you could do the trip for about $1500 total which is what my parents are doing. It is totally your choices that make it add up to $8k!!!

The whole thing is soooooo bizarre. Luckily I''m in a lot better frame of mind right now so rather than letting everything freak me out I''m just laughing. How insanely self-centered is she??? All we wanted was a laid-back wedding where our closest family and friends could get together and chill out in a beautiful location. Adding a drama queen to the mix has made things oh so interesting!!!

 

[FrekeChild]

Ok, I've been waiting for this post all day since you were talking about it earlier. Now I'll go back and read it...

ETA: OMG, she's freaking insane!!!!I mean, I already knew some of that stuff, but I can't believe the nerve of that woman. Ugh.

I'm busy being disgusted for you...

 

[teapot]

Date: 1/20/2009 7:40:41 PM
Author: kittybean

Date: 1/20/2009 7:26:26 PM

Author:EricaR

It isn''t that we are excluding him - he is choosing not to join us...

Exactly. It is his choice, and to me, it sounds like he is treating the trip as a getaway with his girlfriend, not as his son''s wedding! Not very considerate of him. Logically, it is not excluding someone if they don''t care to be included.


I also vote for putting your foot down and having a lovely outing to Chichen Itza. Sorry it''s come to be such a headache!

ditto