Can we start an ''Apathetic Fiance'' support group? Lol

[MakingTheGrade]

Oy. I don''t understand guys sometimes, it''s their wedding too! I''m just getting a little frustrated because I''m always the one to bring up the wedding things, I''m the one in charge of organizing everything, and if I don''t bring something up, chances are it will never cross his mind. Why is it again that it''s just assumed the woman will be happy to do most of the work? Isn''t it enough that we have to stress over our dress and our hair and all this extra stuff that guys don''t have to worry about? Why are we also the ones in charge of tracking the RSVPs and staying on top of things? Am I the only one dealing with a somewhat apathetic fiance?

He''s very compliant, he''ll do what I ask of him (eventually), but that''s about it. He''s not proactive about anything, nor does he think about the wedding much. He pretty much seems to assume I''ll take care of the details, even though school is keeping me pretty busy.

It seriously worries me that he NEVER brings up the wedding. Ever. Sometimes I want to just stop reminding him to do things, and see what happens, lol.

Sigh, just had to get out some frustration. He has no idea how much still needs to be done/figured out, he seems to be under the impression that weddings throw themselves together and require no coordinating. And I''ve talked to him about how I''m getting a little stressed and how much there is to do, and he''ll be supportive and offer suggestions here and there. But no follow through and no real initiative.

 

[KimberlyH]

Because it''s not about the wedding for them, it''s about the marriage. Not saying brides aren''t looking forward to being married, but the symbolism of what goes into planning the wedding are much more meaningful to most women than they are to men.

I wasn''t much into wedding planning, I wanted it to be a nice day, but I didn''t care about the typical stuff (didn''t want a bridal party, let me husband choose my dress, didn''t want a theme, or colors, etc.). And even though I was a completely laid back bride my husband still didn''t get involved with choices, unless he was asked direct questions (Do you want lilies or roses?). For him it was all about the words we spoke to one another when we made the commitment to each other in our vows. All the other stuff was nice, and he said I couldn''t have done a better job planning a day for us, but it couldn''t hold a candle to the vows we share.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Haha, I guess I just wished he felt some sense of responsibility towards making sure this wedding goes well. But it doesn't seem to be there.

I'm not huge into wedding planning either, but if I don't do it...I don't know who would?

And ironically, he IS about the wedding, at least I assumed so since I wanted to go to Vegas and elope, but he wanted to have a religious ceremony in a church, etc. He wants it to happen, just doesn't seem too motivated to make sure it does happen.

I just wish he felt more ownership towards this wedding you know?

 

[Blair138]

I agree with everything you said but I have just accepted it. He proposed, it was his thing, the wedding is my thing, the marriage is our thing. He is very excited for the honeymoon because he planned it though

It''s hard to accept but guys don''t like weddings as much as we do, it''s better than having a groomzilla I think. I found this interesting website last night for guys about weddings :The Plunge

I have yet to forward it to FI but it was really nice for me to read those things because it''s written by men for men

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Most of the time, I'm ok with it.

But sometimes I get frustrated with the planning, and start thinking why is it if he's the one that insisted on the wedding, why am I the one who is responsible for planning it? lol. And the more I think about it, the more annoyed I get that he's the one who wants this wedding, and I'm the one putting in the stress and the bulk of the work, and he doesn't seem to appreciate much of it :/

 

[kama_s]

Date: 6/4/2009 11:53:34 PM
Author: MakingTheGrade
Most of the time, I''m ok with it.

But sometimes I get frustrated with the planning, and start thinking why is it if he''s the one that insisted on the wedding, why am I the one who is responsible for planning it? lol. And the more I think about it, the more annoyed I get that he''s the one who wants this wedding, and I''m the one putting in the stress and the bulk of the work :/

Yup, I''m with you on that. And to make matters worse, 80% of the guest list is HIS! I had my "Indian" wedding in India and Dubai, all planned by family *phew*.

I''ve just given the boy a to-do list. And I nag him on his progress every week or so. Really, it''s just not in men to do any sort of planning. I''m used to making dinner reservations for my own birthday.

 

[Blair138]

Try to have fun! Lots of things were really fun to pick out and he really enjoyed registering (cuz he got to play with the gun) and the food tasting. I also give him things to pick out. For instance, I don''t care what the top of our cake is, so I asked him if he would rather have flowers or the Precious Moments bride and groom with Mickey ears. He picked the Precious Moment so I went to buy it! It makes me feel like he has input and is making choices so I feel better about everything...But, ONLY DO THAT with things you really don''t mind the outcome of!

 

[Dannielle]

Date: 6/4/2009 11:42:08 PM
Author: Blair138
I agree with everything you said but I have just accepted it. He proposed, it was his thing, the wedding is my thing, the marriage is our thing. He is very excited for the honeymoon because he planned it though

It''s hard to accept but guys don''t like weddings as much as we do, it''s better than having a groomzilla I think. I found this interesting website last night for guys about weddings :The Plunge

I have yet to forward it to FI but it was really nice for me to read those things because it''s written by men for men

Love what you said there, I feel the same way!

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Date: 6/4/2009 11:59:17 PM
Author: kama_s

Date: 6/4/2009 11:53:34 PM

Author: MakingTheGrade

Most of the time, I''m ok with it.


But sometimes I get frustrated with the planning, and start thinking why is it if he''s the one that insisted on the wedding, why am I the one who is responsible for planning it? lol. And the more I think about it, the more annoyed I get that he''s the one who wants this wedding, and I''m the one putting in the stress and the bulk of the work :/

Yup, I''m with you on that. And to make matters worse, 80% of the guest list is HIS! I had my ''Indian'' wedding in India and Dubai, all planned by family *phew*.


I''ve just given the boy a to-do list. And I nag him on his progress every week or so. Really, it''s just not in men to do any sort of planning. I''m used to making dinner reservations for my own birthday.

Same here, the only people from my family in attendance are my parents, the rest are overseas!

And I guess maybe I''m too demanding, I don''t just want him to give input. I want him to WANT to give input, lol. It''s kind of disheartening to feel like I''m MAKING him make decisions, like he''s lending me a hand with my project, when in reality it should be OUR project, and he''s the one who initiated this project!

Lol. I mostly just wanted to commiserate with others in a similar situation, always relieves some of the stress!

 

[kama_s]

Date: 6/5/2009 12:25:10 AM
Author: MakingTheGrade


Same here, the only people from my family in attendance are my parents, the rest are overseas!

And I guess maybe I''m too demanding, I don''t just want him to give input. I want him to WANT to give input, lol. It''s kind of disheartening to feel like I''m MAKING him make decisions, like he''s lending me a hand with my project, when in reality it should be OUR project, and he''s the one who initiated this project!

Lol. I mostly just wanted to commiserate with others in a similar situation, always relieves some of the stress!

We are marrying the same guy, I tell you. We just bought some new shelving for his office den because it''s an absolute mess, I can barely walk in without stepping on something. So I pick out all new furniture for him and he starts putting it all together. Half way through he turns around to tell me ''see, how I''m doing all this stuff for you''. Whaa?!?!!!!!

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Haha, thanks kama! It''s good to know I''m not the only one!

Yeah, my fiance is working on a software program right now, and asked me to do the art. I think I might just tell him that I''m not drawing anything else for him until all the wedding chores are done! Maybe that will motivate him to get more involved, lol.

 

[merrymunky]

You''re definitely not the only one.

I started a similar thread a few weeks ago...

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/anyone-elses-fi-so-laid-back-they-are-almost-horizontal-over-their-wedding-responsibilities.115521/

It''s safe to say that FI has STILL NOT been out to select a ring and wedding outfit.

Although I am happy to report that he hunted down our ceremony music and we have a lovely piece for my aisle walk.

He is still saying "soon" for the ring and outfit.

The wedding is in 12 weeks. I am starting to get tetchy about it.

 

[princessplease]

I''ve accepted the fact that FI will not go out and search for centerpieces on the knot, initiate calls with vendors, etc. He has things to say when I bring them up to him, but he will not scout things out on his own and I''m cool with it. I hate to say this, but I didn''t expect him to be involved much in the planning or coming up with ideas for the wedding. I just don''t think guys brains work that way, lol! Seriously, though, I completely agree with Blair. FI is excited about the wedding, he just doesn''t initiate things about it, and I''m cool with that.

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 6/4/2009 11:28:22 PM
Author: KimberlyH
Because it's not about the wedding for them, it's about the marriage. Not saying brides aren't looking forward to being married, but the symbolism of what goes into planning the wedding are much more meaningful to most women than they are to men.

I wasn't much into wedding planning, I wanted it to be a nice day, but I didn't care about the typical stuff (didn't want a bridal party, let me husband choose my dress, didn't want a theme, or colors, etc.). And even though I was a completely laid back bride my husband still didn't get involved with choices, unless he was asked direct questions (Do you want lilies or roses?). For him it was all about the words we spoke to one another when we made the commitment to each other in our vows. All the other stuff was nice, and he said I couldn't have done a better job planning a day for us, but it couldn't hold a candle to the vows we share.

I couldn't agree with you more

As ladies we get caught up in all the planning, drama etc. but generally guys just think "what's all the fuss about - let's just say 'I do' and get on with the rest of our lives". I'm actually with the guys on this one

Don't get me wrong, I want a nice wedding dress etc. but I want to focus on what's really important i.e marrying the right man for the right reasons

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Oh believe me, I'm not even fussing or getting that caught up about the wedding details. It's a small low key wedding, no chair covers, no elaborate flowers, nothing like that. I actually have the little aesthetic details and things under control, I enjoy crafts, no prob. I've had my dress done for a practically a year, I put together and mailed all the invites, picked out the rings a long time ago, been keeping up with thank yous, etc. I haven't picked a hair salon yet, but you know what, if I walk down the aisle in my normal ponytail, that's fine, I don't like to style my hair anyways. These little things, no prob, I can do all this myself, and I'm pretty happy to because these little details involve a lot of creativity which I love.

It's actually the bigger things that he forgets about that worries me, because for some of these things, I can't do it alone. For example, I asked him months ago to look into the wedding license, you know, that little piece of paper that we need to legally be married. I can't do this one because I don't have a car, and we need to drive somewhere to NY to get it. He hasn't looked into it at all yet, I"m pretty sure if I didn't just remind him...again...we may just not have one. And we have less than 2 months to the wedding. And this isn't like a flower details thing, without it, this wedding has no legal meaning! That's kind of a big deal you know? You think he'd have written it down!

And it's not that I want him to look up flowers, but it'd just be nice if every now and then he'd be like "oh, how are things going? Do you need a hand with anything?". Instead of me, every month, going "did you do this yet?".

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Date: 6/5/2009 7:47:09 AM
Author: Londongirl1
As ladies we get caught up in all the planning, drama etc. but generally guys just think 'what's all the fuss about - let's just say 'I do' and get on with the rest of our lives'. I'm actually with the guys on this one

Don't get me wrong, I want a nice wedding dress etc. but I want to focus on what's really important i.e marrying the right man for the right reasons

I ENTIRELY AGREE, it's why I thought we should just elope. I WISH he was the kind of guy who thought "let's just say I do and get on with it", I'd be so on board. But he's not, the problem is that I'M that person. And yet, I'm the person who has to make sure it all happens smoothly. Would it be the end of the world if one guy didn't get his tux measurements in and doesn't get a matching suit? No, I don't really care to be honest, and so I don't bug the fiance about these things. I don't bug him about getting his guys attendants gifts, because they are his groomsmen. I asked him once, while I was buying something for my girls, who knows if he thought about it. Meh, it's details, I can let these things go.

What I DO bug him about his all the logistics that I NEED him to care about in order to make sure the wedding day isn't a total mess. Like, making sure there is somebody in charge of setting up the reception area (I'll be busy that day, as will my 2 maids, and I don't know anyone in his hometown), who is doing the ceremony readings (none of my guests are Catholic, and I wouldn't be comfortable asking them to do religious readings), picking up the marriage license, etc. I don't think I'm stressing about details here? These are kind of important things to have done and decided for the day to go smoothly you know?

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Date: 6/5/2009 2:25:50 AM
Author: merrymunky
You''re definitely not the only one.


I started a similar thread a few weeks ago...


https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/anyone-elses-fi-so-laid-back-they-are-almost-horizontal-over-their-wedding-responsibilities.115521/


It''s safe to say that FI has STILL NOT been out to select a ring and wedding outfit.


Although I am happy to report that he hunted down our ceremony music and we have a lovely piece for my aisle walk.


He is still saying ''soon'' for the ring and outfit.

The wedding is in 12 weeks. I am starting to get tetchy about it.

Sorry

Haha, we dont'' have any ceremony music either. I put the fiance in charge of it because it''s a religious ceremony and I really have no clue what is or is not appropriate (the Catholic church is picky about these things apparently).
Maybe if you tell him it sometimes takes at least 10 weeks for them to get the ring to you, it''ll make him sweat a little and motivate him to go get them?

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Date: 6/4/2009 11:42:08 PM
Author: Blair138
I found this interesting website last night for guys about weddings :The Plunge

Haha, I read the "Carrying your weight" article. We are now 57 days until the wedding. My fiance has done...only one of these things (plan the honeymoon, i.e. wrote a check).

Sometimes I actually wonder if it''s because I was TOO easy on him in terms of wedding responsibility. When we first got engaged, he was overseas for 6 months afterward so I had to do much of the venue/cake/vendor stuff (in his hometown, with the help of his mom) because he just wasn''t around. And when he came back, I guess he felt like he still didn''t need to do anything.

 

[Patchee]

I am getting married in 35 days *yeah* and he just starting getting into "Marriage Mode" about a month ago so anyone further out till their wedding date have no worries. They are men - that''s all I can chalk it up to!

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Date: 6/5/2009 9:16:57 AM
Author: Patchee
I am getting married in 35 days *yeah* and he just starting getting into ''Marriage Mode'' about a month ago so anyone further out till their wedding date have no worries. They are men - that''s all I can chalk it up to!

Yeah, I guess.

It just makes the planning feel really lonely. I don''t have any family here, and no close friends in this city that can help me with details and support me or keep me on task. Both my bridesmaids are in different states, and have never been to the city our wedding is in, so there''s really not much I can ask them to do. They already are coordinating their dresses and such on their own (which I''m very happy about!).