caved (sorry gals)..

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 2/28/2007 11:37:55 AM
Author: allycat0303
Cehrabehra, KristyDarling, Firegoddess, Kaleigh, Bravesfan, glitterkitty, NYCsparkle, sk8rjen, xiuying, oshinbreez, KimberlyH, Kit, Wallerama, fatefelice, ladykemma, poptart, anchor31, MINIMS, hlmr, chargergrrl, Gypsy, IndieJones, Pandora II, appletini, Jas12, Jas:

Thanks for taking the time to post. I wanted to address all of the things all of you ladies wrote, but I only have time for a quick post.

At this moment, I don''t know what is happening. No one is speaking to me, so I don''t know if I''ve been disowned or what. It went from screaming and harrasssing me everyday, to acting like I don''t exist. Granted I haven''t confronted my parents, or my sister, nor actually tried to speak to them and been ignored. So the issue is up in the air. My grandmother told me to leave it alone, and they would come around. I''ve been staying at my guy''s house for the past few days, as I''ve been very, very sick, and feel unable to deal with all of this.

I DO live with my parents. This has been mostly out of respect for them (unmarried girls are NOT permitted to live away from the family. It is cause for....ugh the word again....being disowned.) but that was a mere technicality as I do spend a lot of time at my guy''s house. Which is my house too, as he put my name on it. We''ve been waiting to be married so we can live together. Lately, I''ve been playing with the idea of renting a condo for the following year, so I could be away from all this, until we get married. I don''t want to start living with him until we''re married, but we don''t want to have a courthouse marriage just (for us at least) it''s not how we envisioned it. Although, fair to say, that nothing is going as envisioned.

The only issues with renting a condo and moving out is that it will ASSURE that I will be disowned, AND it will break my grandmother''s heart to peices. But it''s not something I''ve disregarded. I do love my family. And this does tear me up inside. And despite all the things that have been said I done, I don''t know if I can just close the door on any type of relationship with them. To some extent, I understand that my parents just want to keep the peace. And I do understand that they probably feel like they are stuck in the middle. As for my sister. I don''t know. She was never like this before, I don''t think she is borderline, because she is totally 100% rational in all aspects. The only time she gets crazed is over FBIL. I think she wants this relationship so much, that she will destroy everything in order to protect it. It''s not rational, but he has this hold over her.

The worst thing in all of this has been my sister. She was my best friend, I can''t count the times we stayed up all night talking there''s nothing that has happened in my life that didn''t involve her. And I remember the night she got into med school, and I didn''t, she was happy because it was a dream come true for her, but she was so sad for me. The following year, when I got in, she cried because she was so happy. She cried for me, but she didn''t cry for herself. For 23 years, she''s been the closest person to me, and for the past year, she''s morphed into someone I don''t know. It would be easier, if she had always been a horrible sister, then I could say that it''s been years and years of a terrible relationship, but it hasn''t.

Thanks for letting me vent, and bounce ideas off of all of you. The situation would probably be even more misreable if I had to keep it all inside.

what I don''t understand is why the shoe isn''t on the other foot? why isn''t it your sister who is being threatened of being disowned for causing so much disruption, marrying an unrespectable man, being a thorn in EVERYone''s side... why is it that you are supposed to bend and break or be excluded while she is allowed to break everyone and there is no threat to her?

And why is it that as soon as you give them what they want, they ignore you? ::shaking head:: I would ask your grandmother about having a secret relationship with her and losing the rest of them. I would tell your sister you missed her and if she ever returned to normal to give you a call but until then the insanity is just.... insane.

That''s my 2cents - you do whatever you need to keep your sanity - I just hate to see anyone allow others to beat them down.

 

[decodelighted]

Hey Ally ... sometimes I think we should label these posts to you "Postcards from the Future": trying to preview the sweet sweet knowledge that comes along with wrinkles & ooof I don''t even want to describe the other bodily decay

"It''s better to ask for forgiveness than permission." In other words - do what you want, what''s right for you and CRAZILY ENOUGH other people come around. Even if you don''t don''t don''t think they will. Even if it gets rocky for a time. EVENTUALLY - people who truly love you will accept your actions, even if they never agree with them.

Also, just because your sister has been okay for a lot of years ... mid-late twenties is when many psychiatric or personality disorders surface. Don''t discount the possibility of a real illness. Either way - it''s probably in your best interest to GET OUT OF THAT HOUSE FOR GOOD. Keep your distance. Keep living your life. My guess is that she''ll never go through with this wedding to the PSYCHO and perhaps, with treatment -- she''ll one day be your best friend (or a CLOSE friend again).

TEMPORARY discomfort followed by years of peace -- or -- continued pain & abuse & threats of being disowned that aren''t even rational & risk of physical violence

Only you can choose.

 

[cara]

So... if you elope you will be disowned. If you move out on your own to get some space before marrying you will be disowned. If you try to plan a wedding in 07 or 08 you will be subject to stalking, harassment and abuse until you change your plans. And you are living with people that are either causing this abuse or sanctioning it with their silence. I know you think your parents are caught in the middle, but at some point its like they are standing by watching your sister stab at you with a knife and saying "Oh! we don''t want to take sides!"

They have you trapped by your love and respect for them.

Take care of yourself... Both short and long term. Do whatever it takes to get thru these next few weeks but think a little about the long term and what would actually make you happy. I noticed when you first posted about eloping that you said it would make your FI happy but you worried about your FMIL being sad about it but... nothing about what you wanted?

There was some mention somewhere that you are seeing a counselor? I really hope so cause these hooks your family have in you are quite deep and it might really help to have someone backing you up, helping you plan how to extract them a bit. I know you have your FI but he is in it too in a way. Too close to you to help you think rationally, practically about how to interact with your family.

Best wishes for you.

 

[swingirl]

I''m sorry to her about your family and the hell they are putting you through. You seem to be a slave to this whole DISOWNING thing. Any your family seems to be able to get anything they want out of you by using that as a threat.

For your own sanity and health you need to move out, get the abuse to stop and let them disown you, if that''s what they want. Staying involved with them sounds like real torture. Its affecting your relationships, your school, and your happiness and will eventually affect your health.

This behavior of their''s will not end with the wedding. They will continue to try to control you in your married life and you will be making decisions about your career, children, house, etc. based on your hostle family. It will not get better as long as they are able to make you cave in. It sounds too stressful to try to fight them but getting them out of your life, at least temporarily, may be the best answer.

 

[sk8rjen]

I was thinking about this --- what happens down the road after both weddings? Are you going to be told you can only have a child on a certain date? As a mother, I'm looking at this wishing so badly you could get at least some *space* from them! Please think about your future *with* your family when you are considering all of this...I know you have to do what feels right to you and everybody is putting you under a lot of pressure, so you don't need it from us too. But we all care about you and, without knowing you in real life, have developed an online friendship with you --- and I know we just want to see you stop going through this. Again, good luck and lotsa (((hugs)))
jen

 

[Mara]

Date: 2/28/2007 3:59:20 PM
Author: sk8rjen
I was thinking about this --- what happens down the road after both weddings? Are you going to be told you can only have a child on a certain date? As a mother, I''m looking at this wishing so badly you could get at least some *space* from them! Please think about your future *with* your family when you are considering all of this...I know you have to do what feels right to you and everybody is putting you under a lot of pressure, so you don''t need it from us too. But we all care about you and, without knowing you in real life, have developed an online friendship with you --- and I know we just want to see you stop going through this. Again, good luck and lotsa (((hugs)))
jen

i know sk8r i feel the same way...there''s only so much anyone on here can really say, but ally has to do what is best for her and her family.

ally keep in mind that once you get married to hockydude, that is your new family. they come above all. as do future children with him...you have to pay attn to your new priority, your family unit. do what is best in the long run for you guys.

 

[FireGoddess]

Oh Ally

......girl, the disowning thing is starting to look like a sweet, sweet deal.

 

[ladykemma]

bump
alleycat - how are you? have you eloped/gotten out of danger yet?

 

[NYCsparkle]

i have been thinking about you too allycat....i hope all is well in drama land.