Changing your name

[Callisto]

Date: 12/14/2009 10:22:22 PM
Author: AllieGator

Date: 12/14/2009 7:05:42 PM

Author: ladypirate

I hate the idea that I would have to change my name and he wouldn''t, and I REALLY hate the idea that any children we have would automatically get his name. Just rankles. The compromise we''ve made is that we are each taking both names (not hyphenated, but still 2 last names) and will pass both onto our kids. If they want to only use one or change it later, that''s up to them.

I totally agree, ladypirate. It does bother me a bit that in this modern day and age, it''s still assumed that they automatically get the man''s name, and that it''s sometimes seen as ''weird'' if they don''t follow that. If my last name and his last name wouldn''t sound bad hyphenated, I would be all for it, and unfortunately, my last name does not work as a middle name. It just doesn''t make total sense that now, when we know that the child is 50% genetically the mother''s, AND we have equal rights, that its like that. But, unfortunately, it doesn''t seem that it will change any time soon.


Plus, I''m pretty sure that his father would be very offended if they didn''t take the last name, and I''d rather not put dear BF in that situation.

Ok so I understand the principle of this idea, but where does it stop?

So your children will have 2 last names... what if you have a daughter who also wants to keep her last name(s) and her fiance''s... will she have 3 last names...?

I like the concept behind this idea, but it just seems impractical to me as its an unsustainable ritual...?

Disclaimer: With the curses of online postings, I''d like to clarify that this is not meant to be sassy at all, I''m honestly curious. No judgment is being expressed.

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 12/15/2009 12:21:43 AM
Author: UnderBlue

A question to those wanting the same name as their children: What happens if you ever remarry? Any children won't have the same last name as you anymore, assuming you'd take the man's name again. Doesn't that negate the logic that having the same last name makes a family?


It really makes me angry that men are allowed/expected to go through life with the name they're given at birth, while women are supposed to change their name based on who they're married to. How is that not being treated like property? If it's about taking the name of the family you're joining, then he needs to take your family's name too.

Oh, I don't by any means think that having the same name makes a family. I just think it's a nice idea. Like wearing matching socks - completely unnecessary from a practical perspective, but still kind of nice

So if I were to ever remarry, yes I'd have a different surname to my kids and it really wouldn't bother me much - it just wouldn't be ideal plan from the outset (for me).

I don't see it as being treated like property. Merging names as new families are created is a problem that has been dealt with differently by various cultures for thousands of years, and the western convention is just one option, that works reasonably well for a lot of people. That said, I don't have much attachment to my own surname (never really liked it much), so perhaps that's why it doesn't bother me.

 

[ChocolateLover]

I don''t like the idea of keeping two names (or hyphenating) - just too complicated for me!In the end I''ll probably keep my own name as I''m just not that interested in going through the red tape to have it changed. So many women don''t change their names these days I should be more common for women (or men) to have a different last name than their kids.

Hopefully! I guess if it ends up being a pain, I''ll eventually change it. Really, I don''t care either way... like some other women here, I''m not that attached to my last name!

 

[monkeyprincess]

Date: 12/15/2009 12:21:43 AM
Author: UnderBlue

Date: 12/14/2009 1:23:36 PM
Author: ts44
However, fiance REALLY wants me to take his name. Badly. Like, he was astonished it was even an option not to take it. He would never be angry with me if I didn't take it, but it would sadden him, which of course I don't want to do.


Still not sure what to do about it.

It sounds like he is pretty attached to his name and has a lot of feelings associated with it, etc. He needs to understand that all the feelings he has attached to his last name are the same ones you have attached to your last name, maybe telling him that will help him realize. Or tell him to change his name to yours and see what his reaction is and show him that that's how it feels for you.

-----

A question to those wanting the same name as their children: What happens if you ever remarry? Any children won't have the same last name as you anymore, assuming you'd take the man's name again. Doesn't that negate the logic that having the same last name makes a family?

It really makes me angry that men are allowed/expected to go through life with the name they're given at birth, while women are supposed to change their name based on who they're married to. How is that not being treated like property? If it's about taking the name of the family you're joining, then he needs to take your family's name too.

Ah, I don't at all see taking my husband's name as being treated like property. I think it is romantic, and I can't wait to take his name. I fully respect a woman's decision to keep her name if she feels like her name is her identity or for whatever other reason she has, but I don't think it makes me weak or somehow less independent or accomplished if I decide to take my husband's name.

As for your other question, obviously a name doesn't make a family. In our complicated age of single parents, unmarried parents, and blended families, it is just not possible in all situations for a family to have the same last name. If God forbid I were to divorce, I would reevaluate then and consider reinstating my maiden name or keeping the same name as my children. That's just not something I'm going to worry about.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Honestly, I think that if you love your name and have serious reservations about changing it, I don''t think you should do it just for him. I feel like it''s one of those things you have to WANT to do, or otherwise you''ll get little hidden tendrils of resentment that will pop up at the most inopportune moments.

 

[Octavia]

Date: 12/15/2009 10:46:05 PM
Author: MakingTheGrade
Honestly, I think that if you love your name and have serious reservations about changing it, I don't think you should do it just for him. I feel like it's one of those things you have to WANT to do, or otherwise you'll get little hidden tendrils of resentment that will pop up at the most inopportune moments.

This, exactly.

Changing my name would have hurt me far more than keeping it bothers my husband. He would have liked me to take his name, but agrees that it's my choice and I should do what I'm comfortable with. They say you shouldn't go into marriage expecting your partner to change, but rather take them as they come and love them for it...well, for me, that includes my name. If DH was willing to make an equal sacrifice and change his name in some way, I'd happily do the same, but he doesn't like that idea, so we're both keeping them as given.

Then again, I have no issues with having a different last name than my future kids, and even though I think it's silly that everyone assumes they'll have the dad's name, I don't actually care that much about passing my name on. Anyway, they'll have my name as a middle name (even though it doesn't sound like a "real" middle name, but since we'll be doing a lot of international travel, I want it in their passports). It's their choice to keep either name or change them as they like when they're old enough.

 

[AllieGator]

Date: 12/15/2009 3:06:04 PM
Author: Callisto

Date: 12/14/2009 10:22:22 PM

Author: AllieGator

Date: 12/14/2009 7:05:42 PM


Author: ladypirate


I hate the idea that I would have to change my name and he wouldn''t, and I REALLY hate the idea that any children we have would automatically get his name. Just rankles. The compromise we''ve made is that we are each taking both names (not hyphenated, but still 2 last names) and will pass both onto our kids. If they want to only use one or change it later, that''s up to them.

I totally agree, ladypirate. It does bother me a bit that in this modern day and age, it''s still assumed that they automatically get the man''s name, and that it''s sometimes seen as ''weird'' if they don''t follow that. If my last name and his last name wouldn''t sound bad hyphenated, I would be all for it, and unfortunately, my last name does not work as a middle name. It just doesn''t make total sense that now, when we know that the child is 50% genetically the mother''s, AND we have equal rights, that its like that. But, unfortunately, it doesn''t seem that it will change any time soon.



Plus, I''m pretty sure that his father would be very offended if they didn''t take the last name, and I''d rather not put dear BF in that situation.

Ok so I understand the principle of this idea, but where does it stop?


So your children will have 2 last names... what if you have a daughter who also wants to keep her last name(s) and her fiance''s... will she have 3 last names...?


I like the concept behind this idea, but it just seems impractical to me as its an unsustainable ritual...?


Disclaimer: With the curses of online postings, I''d like to clarify that this is not meant to be sassy at all, I''m honestly curious. No judgment is being expressed.

No offense taken--I knew what you meant!

That IS a problem with hyphenation, and I really don''t know what you would do with it--it''s one of the reasons that, even if I had a "hyphen-able" name, I might still acquiesce on the last name.

A few married couples I know simply give their daughters the woman''s last name, and their sons the man''s last name. Now, I know this would probably never catch on in the mainstream, but if a family didn''t really care about the "name unification" principle, that''s one way to take care of it.

But, as I said earlier, I don''t think with BF''s father, I could do this, and I''d rather keep the peace. We''ve agreed that they''ll get his last name, but that we''ll use some of my family names for firsts and middles. I think it''s a good compromise.

 

[Squirrly]

i have to say that since i thanked my lucky stars for having a relatively short last name every time i had to fill in those bubbles for tests at school, i''m not considering hyphenation at all.

some of my cousins have their mother''s maiden names for middlenames, my sister and i both have family names which is a trend M and I will follow with our kids. (i have my mother''s middle name and the middle name of my paternal grandmother)

at one point in my life (when i was about 5) i thought it''d be cool to marry someone who has the same last name as me so i wouldn''t change it, but as i got older i realized my last name isn''t horribly uncommon and well it''s one that was given during the ''americanization'' process through ellis island. if my last name had degrees to it, or was attached to a prominent family i probably would follow the maiden name becomes middle name route.

RE: HopeDream:

i was wondering about the maiden name thing, i thought that maiden referred to an unmarried woman, as in technically maid of honor is unmarried and matron of honor would be someone who is married, i didn''t think it had anything to do with adoption

RE: taking name-being property thingie

i don''t see it as being property, i''ve always seen it as something rather special. from when you''re little you learn your name and that your name is yours and yours alone, it in a way becomes who you are and to some extent people attach personality traits to names. so i''ve always seen it as one of the greatest signs of how much i would care for someone that i would be willing to take his name for my own and also that someone would love me so much that he would want to share his name with me. since i don''t plan on getting married more than once

i suppose it''s just my way of saying to M "hey you know i''ve dated other guys before you, but none of them were special enough for me to take their name."

and i suppose on the flipside of why is a woman expected to take the man''s name, why is it fair that the men are expected to give us something shiny and have to share their name with someone who every four weeks or so (and during that special time if/when pregnancy occurs) might be just a little less than sane

i suppose he could always claim that the rabid woman attacking the guy driving the hershey''s delivery truck is his sister

 

[sillyberry]

I''ve never been sure if I would take my husband''s name or not. I have no strong feelings one way or another, nor have I ever thought about my relationship in terms of becoming a Mrs. However, the past few days boyfriend and I were at a resort where they called me Mrs. H the whole time (I stopped correcting them - it was just easier than trying to tell them we weren''t married and my name is Ms. W).

And I found it kind of fun. So who knows?

 

[caribari]

This is confusing for me too. SO is perfectly happy for me to keep my last name, but is adamant that any kids take his last name (he''s an only child and the only male of his generation, so keeping the name going is essentially up to him). I''m not sure how I feel about not sharing a name with my kids.

I''ve spent a lot of time in Spain in my life, and I really like the way they do names in their culture.

For example: Jose Salas Marcos and Maria Tena Casas would name their child Sara Salas Tena. One name from the father and one from the mother. That''s your name for life, you don''t change it when you get married. Granted, Sara would then pass on her father''s name, so it still is somewhat paternalistic, but I''ve always thought this makes so much sense. Additionally, the annoyance associated with having two names in our culture is nonexistent for Spaniards, as everyone has two.

 

[ChloeTheGreat]

This is a tough one!

In our talks about marriage, I have suggested I don''t want to change my name. I have a generic last name, but it''s MINE and I have become accustomed to how my name sounds. My man''s last name just doesn''t fit.

Also, listen to this one! My man''s family has a tradition of passing down the name "Christian" to the boys in his family (he was given it as a middle name). But my family is Jewish! Gosh, what if we decide to have kids someday?! I''ll have a Jewish son named Christian! LOL

Names are tough, especially because people get so attached to them. Good luck to all who are trying to decide!

 

[laughwithme]

I am beyond excited to take FI''s name. I even want to register for a new gmail account now just so I can make sure no one else takes it

I have never felt that sense of losing identity, etc. by giving up my maiden name. I am about 2 years into my career, which I feel is too early to have a detrimental effect. I have no brothers or sisters with my last name, so it ends with me - and I''m ok with that. My last name is an uncommon Irish name - and FI''s is an uncommon British name. I love his last name and many people have told me my future full name sounds so regal, like something out of Withering Heights

Mainly, I am a big traditionalist and can''t imagine not having my husband''s name - at our reception, I sometimes daydream about people calling Mrs. XXXX - I am just THAT excited to take his last name.

It will represent another way that I feel a part of him - truly, his family. Our family.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Date: 12/25/2009 10:34:22 PM
Author: ChloeTheGreat
But my family is Jewish! Gosh, what if we decide to have kids someday?! I''ll have a Jewish son named Christian! LOL

Haha! That is kind of funny..

One reason I didn''t take his name is because I like that my last name is culturally "matched" to me. Our kids will be 100% asian but with my hubby''s Polish last name (he was adopted).

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 12/14/2009 12:33:49 PM
Author: mariewest
I''m going to take my SO''s last name when we get married. I''m just traditional like that. I want our kids to share our last name as a family. I like my last name, as it has been a part of who I am for all of my life, but a name isn''t all of what I am. I''m excited to take his name and start a family of our own. I know this discussion can get pretty heated, but I think it''s fine with whatever a couple wants to do.

Ditto!! I like my maiden name but I''m not particularly attached to it and I like the idea of having the same last name as my husband and kids. That said... to each his own

 

[acebruin]

my wife dropped her middle name and use her maiden name as a new middle name, took my last name as her last name...

but ultimately whatever works for you both... i don''t think there''s anything wrong with not taking your husband''s last name...

 

[HopeDream]

Hi Squirrley!

Yes, maiden name refers to the last name of an unmarried woman.

I also used the term birth name - which is often used to denote the name an adopted person was given at birth prior to having it changed by the adopted family. (I had wanted to use the term birth name, but didn''t want folks to think I was adopted)

Is there a term for a man''s maiden name?
(If he decides to change his last name after marriage)

Caribari - The Spanish naming system sounds cool!

 

[TooPatient]

I want to share a name with B and don''t have any attachment to my name so I''ll certainly change it.

The tricky part comes when I don''t want to share the name with his ex. (yes, she is still using his name). Not sure what we''ll do. I saw a thread awhile back about creating a new name that you both change to.
I mentioned it in passing and got a funny look. He has no attachment to his name really it just would be a hassle to change since that is how his company gives e-mail and stuff.

So I guess my answer is that I''ve given it some thought and we''ve talked about it some, but we haven''t made a decision yet.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

I just got married and am still finishing the paperwork

but I''m adding his name:

Bella, Middlename, old last name, new last name

At work I sign everything Bella Old last name New last name but pretty much everyone calls me Bella new last name

In my personal life everyone calls me Bella New last name

It''s a little complicated but it works for me

 

[HaloBelle]

I have been thinking about this often, usually as soon as a friend gets married! I do not know. I always assumed I would take my husbands last name, whenever that happened - but now I am not so sure! I don''t know if that it is that his last name sounds awkward after my first (esp with my middle) or if its simply that I love my name or now that i read someone elses concern of this - our culturally different names.

I have a very irish name and he has a very italian last name, trust me - they sound funny together. Since I have always assumed that I would take my future husbands last name, this is an awkward thing for me. I know the children will have the hubby''s name, not mine and I am okay with that. but geez, I''m not even engaged and this is stressful!

I guess the BF and I will have to discuss it when we''re engaged!

 

[Callisto]

Date: 12/25/2009 11:26:34 PM
Author: laughwithme
I am beyond excited to take FI''s name. I even want to register for a new gmail account now just so I can make sure no one else takes it

Hahaha ME TOO!!! I''ve come really close to signing up for an account with his last name. I''m just worried it will make my email really long since my first name and his last name totals 17 letters... ugh.

 

[princesss]

Soooo...the changing name thing kind of amuses me with BF''s family.

You see, I have a very common first name (I''m pretty sure it''s been posted around here before - Sarah). BF has a very common last name (let''s say....Jones).

His sister is Sarah Jones. (Not sure if she''d ever change her name or not)
His cousin''s new wife is Sarah Jones.
And if I take his name, I would be Sarah Jones.

That''s a lot of Sarah Joneses.

That said, at this point I''m 99% sure I want to change my name. We can just go by middle initial or something!

 

[MayFlowers]

I will be changing my name to his last name. I understand why some people don''t (personal accomplishments, already established yourself in a business, etc.) but I haven''t done any of that yet. I thought about hyphenation because my brother is the last hope of my family for our name to be carried on. Unfortunately, he hasn''t found anyone he wants to marry yet, and I don''t know if he even wants to get married ever. So, I really just thought about that to keep my family''s name alive. The only problem is that my current first and last name both start with "S" (and my last name ends with an "S") and SO''s last name starts with "S". So, it would be a whole lot of S''s to say if I hyphenated.

Plus, I really identify with his last name and want us to share that. Whenever I order a pizza or place a reservation at a restaurant, I always give his last name. I can''t wait for it to be mine too!

 

[Chanteuse87]

My boyfriend (soon to be fiance!) and I were just discussing this. Both of our last names are equally bad, so I will legally change my last name to his. However, as a performer, I will need a stage name, so I''ve settled on my given name with my mother''s maiden name. It just flows a lot more nicely.

 

[crossmyfingers]

Date: 1/5/2010 10:10:53 AM
Author: Callisto

Date: 12/25/2009 11:26:34 PM

Author: laughwithme

I am beyond excited to take FI''s name. I even want to register for a new gmail account now just so I can make sure no one else takes it

Hahaha ME TOO!!! I''ve come really close to signing up for an account with his last name. I''m just worried it will make my email really long since my first name and his last name totals 17 letters... ugh.

Ha! I was just saying exactly this to my friend last night! She said go for it too. Good to know it''s not just me who''s that excited about it.

Actually... I think I''ll go ahead and make that right now.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

I didn''t change my name (I find the idea pretty offensive personally) and it hasn''t caused any problems to us as parents. "Mrs Mitchell" is a joke - the day I joined PS I had just received a card addressed to Mrs Mitchell and my first reaction was irritation that the postal service had delivered someone else''s mail to me.

Our daughter has DH''s last name, for the fairly shallow reason that it sounds prettier with her first name than mine does.

I will say, if you choose not to change, be prepared for people to ignore your choice and call you by your husband''s last name anyway. Some people will do it innocently, but others will do it because they don''t approve of your decision and want to change it for you by stealth (my mother, for example). DH says that people call him Mr Mylastname a lot, too.

Obviously it isn''t a huge problem, but I have found it very, very annoying over the years!

 

[mrhand]

Homer Simpson said it best.


You see this? [holds up Marge''s hand, to permit close inspection of Marge''s wedding ring] It symbolizes that she''s my property, and I own her!

 

[diamondlove4]

How do people take the husband''s last name and keep theirs and use it interchangeably? Do you end up with a last name that consists of two last names but without a hyphenation? Such as First Name: Jane, Middle Name: Kate, Last Name: Doe Smith ... and you can go by either Jane Doe or Jane Smith? I''m curious how that works since a bunch of people mentioned it as an option.

Plus...would the space in the last name cause any problems?

 

[diamondlove4]

No one has an answer?

 

[Scorpioanne]

I have a double surname without a hyphen. I rarely get called by my husband''s last name only, I mostly get called by both. Occasionally I get called by my maiden name (actually more often than just by my husband''s name). I will answer to just about anything! I like that it is versatile but I would also have to say it is confusing to others, for instance, if someone is looking for your last name when things are filed by aphabetical order they sometimes use the wrong name to alphabetise with.

All in all though, I don''t regret my choice to have a double surname, I really like my name. I have had people tell me my name it sounds like an author''s name.

 

[Pushin40]

I can''t wait to change my name! IT PUTS ME AT THE BEGINNING of the alphabet instead of the end!

No - seriously - I''m proud to carry on the tradition and have the same naem as him, as his wife.