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Christmas Ruined

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angiety2k

angiety2k

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Nov 16, 2007
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109
I sorry but I really need to vent....
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My FF and I started looking for rings around three months back, he purchased a ring about two months ago. His idea to propose anytime around Christmas or new years. Well the ring has been here around a month and every time I think he is going to propose he doesn''t. I have two weeks paid off for the holidays, perfect time right?? I guess he wanted to do it before we came to our hometown.... his idea was the night before we traveled...he says I messed his plans of proposing that night and he lets me this last night after I have been our hometown a couple of days. He isn''t going to propose for Christmas because he really wanted to do it back at our place! I am so mad...my Christmas is ruined.. he had a long time to think of sometime and act on it. After crying all night I want to know if I should be upset or not?? I don''t even want the ring now I wanted it for Christmas...
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Well, you''re not going to like what I have to say but...I think you''re being childish. If you''re old enough and mature enough to get married, it shouldn''t matter when or where you get engaged - it should matter that the person who is "the one" for you is asking you to be his wife. Your post sounded a bit bratty, to be honest...like, "if I cant have my ring on Xmas, then I dont want it! *stomps foot & pouts*".

That said, your BF sounds childish for refusing to propose just because his exact plan isn''t possible right now. Then again, perhaps he wanted total privacy because it will be emotional and difficult for him to propose and doing so at home is where he is most comfortable. And if that is the case, isn''t that more of a sweet thing, than something to be angry about?
 
Well, the problem was and is he always does everything last minute, and never buts any thought into it. I picked out my own ring, then he lost his job right before it came. So I have been doing everything around the house(we live together), and paying the bills. He has money his parents keep giving him things (I have never been and will never take handouts) and I also own a business that he wouldn''t help me with. So he has had a whole month to think of something..but he would rather play a computer game.
 
oy. . . sounds like you guys have a lot of issues to work out before becoming engaged, no?

Most men want to do it when THEY want to do it. They are excited to propose, I think some women forget there''s TWO people in on this and a lot of the fun is popping the question when least expected. My DH would not have proposed to me if he felt at all pressured about it.
I mean, you already picked out the ring yourself and you don''t want it anymore just because it''s not happening when YOU wanted it to?
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that''s kind of sad.

I think some perspective is in order personally.
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Marriage is for LIFE, you''re talking about a couple of days here.
 
I don''t think you are being childish. I always told my husband that when he proposed he HAD to propose on X-MAS eve. No other day would do. Now, that was 18 years ago and I was young , what can I say. The poor guy bought the ring in September and had to sit on it for 4 months! But, to me X-mas eve is a magical time of year and important to me. So, I totally get where you are coming from. I have no idea if your FF knows or not. But, at least you know the ring is bought, and it it just a matter of when. I had no clue and I had been waiting for 8 years
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. Maybe he wants to have some control over it and that is why he wants to do it at home. Or, perhaps he wants it at home so he can have nice memories of where he proposed in your home?? That is all well and good, but to be honest, people move so, it really isn''t all that valid an argument if that is what he is saying. Or, maybe he''s throwing you off and has the ring with him??? Either way, I would advise you to stay calm, don''t say anything negative and enjoy the holiday knowing the proposal is coming soon. If you "act out" knowing men, he will postpone it for 6 months to get even
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If all this is really the case, I can sort of see why your parents aren''t big fans of him. Sounds like maybe he''s not really *ready* to be getting married. :-(
 
Okay maybe this isn''t the biggest thing that is ever going to happen to me. But we were planning on announcing our engagement at three different family parties on Christmas Day. Since we live far away I was so hoping to share this moment with them.
 
how old are you two?

in your first post you say 'i dont even want the ring now i wanted it for xmas'....marriage is not about the ring. or getting it for xmas. it's about a long-term committment, aka life partnership with someone you love.

and if you really feel like he would rather be playing computer games than planning a proposal for you or whatever then sounds like you both have some issues to work out before you get engaged, let alone be married.

i'm sorry that your christmas is 'ruined' because he didn't propose, but hopefully you can realize that you are probably more fortunate than so many others out there in the world by having someone who loves you and you in return and who would like to marry you...as well as friends and family around you during this holiday season. so many people don't have any of that. i know it is hard when you are in the thick of the engagement drama, but try to remember all the things you have to be grateful and happy for.
 
Date: 12/22/2007 11:01:47 PM
Author: EricsPrincess
Okay maybe this isn't the biggest thing that is ever going to happen to me. But we were planning on announcing our engagement at three different family parties on Christmas Day. Since we live far away I was so hoping to share this moment with them.
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"we" or "you" were planning on announcing it?
Seems like his plans are different. JMO based on your posts.
Mara asked what I was wondering. . . about the ages of you 2.

ETA: I'm sorry this is upsetting you, I like getting my way too
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Thanks everyone, I know he has the ring. He doesn''t want to propose here because he says the best he can do in our home town is take me to dinner. We are from the country. I am really Open to any propose day, but he always get a me a huge gift on xmas and it was both are ideas to do it around this month, so he didn''t have to purchase another expensive gift. He also did admit he is trying to do everything perfect, he is afraid to let me down/not meet my expections. I really not that bad... I just want to know he but time into it and loves me.I am only upset because I have been getting excited and pumped up for the day, which I kept thinking it was coming.
 
FF is 22 and I am 20. Planning on a 2010 wedding, we both wanted a long engagement. Also we have been together for five years, and living together for 2 some years.
 
Date: 12/22/2007 10:49:57 PM
Author: EricsPrincess
Well, the problem was and is he always does everything last minute, and never buts any thought into it. I picked out my own ring, then he lost his job right before it came. So I have been doing everything around the house(we live together), and paying the bills. He has money his parents keep giving him things (I have never been and will never take handouts) and I also own a business that he wouldn''t help me with. So he has had a whole month to think of something..but he would rather play a computer game.
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Seriously...do you really want to marry this man? He doesn''t sound at all ready to be a husband.
 
Date: 12/22/2007 11:15:16 PM
Author: vslover
Date: 12/22/2007 10:49:57 PM

Author: EricsPrincess

Well, the problem was and is he always does everything last minute, and never buts any thought into it. I picked out my own ring, then he lost his job right before it came. So I have been doing everything around the house(we live together), and paying the bills. He has money his parents keep giving him things (I have never been and will never take handouts) and I also own a business that he wouldn''t help me with. So he has had a whole month to think of something..but he would rather play a computer game.
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Seriously...do you really want to marry this man? He doesn''t sound at all ready to be a husband.
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Yeah, I was thinking the same thing as vslover. Let''s review for a moment, shall we?

1. Your BF doesn''t put any thought into anything, including buying gifts for you.

2. He does everything last minute.

3. He''s unemployed yet will not help you out with your business.

4. Your business is paying all the bills right now.

5. He has just informed you he''d decided not to propose on Xmas.

And you want to marry him because why? I''m lost here...

Look you are both VERY young. VERY.YOUNG. My god, when I think about being your age, if I married any of the BFs I had in my 20''s we''d be long divorced by now...not saying you cant get married young. But your posts have a tone that seems too young to get married. And your description of your BF is in no way flattering at all. He doesn''t sound like a "keeper" to me, not the way you''re describing him here. Perhaps he''s not ready to get married. Perhaps he''s not even "the one" and for some reason you''re just wanting to "be married"? I know that in today''s society even marriage seems disposable...but to me, it''s supposed to be forever. If I were you, I''d think long and hard about this guy. He doesn''t sound like husband material to me.
 
Listen to the sound advice you have been given here. I won''t add to it as it''s already been said....
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Date: 12/22/2007 11:34:38 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Listen to the sound advice you have been given here. I won''t add to it as it''s already been said....
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ditto to this. You have been given really good advice by the girls-take it in and use it wisely!
 
Thank You Ladies for all advise. Maybe now isn''t the right time. My FF is having some medical problems and thats why he says he cant contribute to much of the daily chores, and like most men cant do anything without bugging me where this is or forgets, so I just do it myself. I currently work full time, and the business is somewhat part time,I love the extra money. Sorry ladies I really was upset last night but had a long talk with the FF last night and told him how I felt, disappointed. He really wants to do it at are place in the city and he is waiting for the right moment. I hope me and him get through this I really want him to step up but I don''t know he will. His Medical problems right now should be my number one priority.
 

Wow, there is so much going on here it''s a bit overwhelming. You sound really bitter and resentful towards your boyfriend ("he always does everything last minute and never buts any thought into it....I have been doing everything around the house(we live together), and paying the bills...I also own a business that he wouldn''t help me with. So he has had a whole month to think of something..but he would rather play a computer game") and men in general ("most men cant do anything without bugging me where this is or forgets"). Not a great state of mind for getting engaged. This should be a wonderful time for both of you, I really hope you do decide to put the engagement on the back burner for a bit and really examine your relationship.

 
You mentioned that your boyfriend has medical issues that he''s dealing with. Please focus on helping him through those instead of focusing where, when, and how you''re going to get engaged. Please put things into perspective. I understand that you were very upset when you wrote your first post, but there are plenty of other things that can truly ruin someone''s day -- not getting engaged at a specific time doesn''t seem like one of them.
 
I will say from a male perspective we are a little different. We dont like to be told what to do or how to do it. Most of the time when our other half tries to make us do something we close up. That is what it sounds like he is doing. I would say give him some space. He normally does things last minute...you might as well get used to it because that is him and you cant bank on him changing. Just give him time.
 
Date: 12/23/2007 9:56:47 AM
Author: EricsPrincess
Thank You Ladies for all advise. Maybe now isn''t the right time. My FF is having some medical problems and thats why he says he cant contribute to much of the daily chores, and like most men cant do anything without bugging me where this is or forgets, so I just do it myself. I currently work full time, and the business is somewhat part time,I love the extra money. Sorry ladies I really was upset last night but had a long talk with the FF last night and told him how I felt, disappointed. He really wants to do it at are place in the city and he is waiting for the right moment. I hope me and him get through this I really want him to step up but I don''t know he will. His Medical problems right now should be my number one priority.
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honestly....I don''t find your statement about "most men" to be true at all. And if it is true of your boyfriend...do you really want a lifetime of having to do EVERYTHING including paying all the bills? Good grief...you couldn''t pay me to sign on to that kind of life.
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vs lover i was thinking the same thing, also in agreement with i think surfgirl''s post up above about calling out all the one liners that seriously make it sound like this might not be a match made in heaven.

obviously any one of us have no real idea of what someone''s relationship entails, we only get snippets of their lives as posted on here...and many times gals are in a high state of emotion when they post...but in this instance i am reading things like ''lost his job'', ''dealing with medical problems'', ''wants to just play video games'', ''won''t help with the bills or my business'', etc. and then knowing how absolutely young you two are, i totally agree with whoever else said that if i had gotten married at 20 or 22 with whomever i was dating, i would be divorced right now, big hearty yes. i have dated some great guys in my life, and one or two questionable ones when i was young and stupid...but marrying ANY of them would have been a mistake. i didn''t even really know how to take care of MYSELF in a correct way until i was at least 25. how would i have been a good partner for life to ANYONE else before that i have no idea.

so anyway, while i honestly don''t think that a bunch of women on an internet forum necessarily have advice that you want to listen to (it''s not like you are going to go hmmm you all are right, we should take it slower or really examine what we have going on here)...i do think that it needs to be put out there that you both sound very young, with flexible priorities at this point and some serious life issues that need to be worked out first before you get engaged or married...it''s good you will have a long engagement but keep an open mind as well, what about seeing a marriage counselor sometime in 2008 and being sure you are both on the same path.

good luck! hope you xmas isn''t really ruined after all.
 
Well I really have no reason to eleborate on the already wise bits of help these ladies have given you. I know it''s hard to have to listen to what you don''t want to hear and actually do it, but in this case it is BY FAR the best choice.

When I was in high school I was with a boy for 2 years. I thought I would marry him. Then one day as I talked with my mom she said something that made changed my perspective...

"Erin, most people don''t become the person they will be for the rest of thier lives until they are about 25. So because of this... Realize he may be good for now, but not at 25."

I remember at the time I thought she was CRAZY!! But now, as I look back, it was the truest advice I have ever recieved.

Someone in this post said that if they were with the guy they dated at your age, they would be divorced... Well I fully agree. That boyfriend I once had was wonderful...THEN. Now, it just wouldn''t work.

Just putting it out there...
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obviously any one of us have no real idea of what someone''s relationship entails, we only get snippets of their lives as posted on here...and many times gals are in a high state of emotion when they post...but in this instance i am reading things like ''lost his job'', ''dealing with medical problems'', ''wants to just play video games'', ''won''t help with the bills or my business'', etc. and then knowing how absolutely young you two are, i totally agree with whoever else said that if i had gotten married at 20 or 22 with whomever i was dating, i would be divorced right now, big hearty yes. i have dated some great guys in my life, and one or two questionable ones when i was young and stupid...but marrying ANY of them would have been a mistake. i didn''t even really know how to take care of MYSELF in a correct way until i was at least 25. how would i have been a good partner for life to ANYONE else before that i have no idea.
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Haha - This fully mirrored what I was saying in my post...


Interesting how most people are saying the same thing... Think one that note for a minute or two.
 
ERIN, is there any way you can write in BLACK and not PINK? It''s killing my eyes!
 
Date: 12/22/2007 11:15:16 PM
Author: vslover
Seriously...do you really want to marry this man? He doesn''t sound at all ready to be a husband.
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Have to chime in with an ''amen'' here.

He''s unemployed, fully supported by you both financially and housework-wise, and apparently suffering from a medical condition that allows him to play video games all day but not plan your proposal. Was it an injury to a specific lobe?

I would ask yourself what this behavioural pattern will look like in 10 years. Keep in mind that the truism that whatever negative behaviours someone has before you marry, they become exponentially worse after marriage.
 
Wow, there''s alot going on here, I was tempted not to post but here''s my spare change...

Your first post seems awfully bratty... very immature to want to stomp off because you don''t get the proposal YOU wanted...you don''t get to plan it.. HE is asking YOU to be his wife... Life is not a movie, things aren''t perfect.

By the way you describe your relationship.. it appears maybe now isn''t the right time for all of this anyways.

My final thought... a different perspective here... did you ever think that maybe he is telling you all of this just to throw you off track so he can surprise you with his proposal... you seem like you want control over the situation.. just sit back and relax.

It''s not about the ring... although I''m sure it''s gorgeous, but please don''t forget about the REAL meaning behind it.

Either way... Good Luck to you and Happy Holidays.
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Thank you all for being so honest. I was being bratty. I also told this to him and I apologized, and told him whenever he chose to propose that it would be the the right time. But I was so wrong about what hes been up to.
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he just PROPOSED. He told me we where going to Olive Garden with some of his family, while we were in the car get got off the wrong exit, he said that we were early that he wanted to show me the lake lights. Its a amusement park with a huge lake that I have been to every year since I was a kid. But I have never went there to see the Christmas lights. As we went through the lights I saw lots of pretty ones. Then there it was Will You Marry ME in pretty lights? I didn''t even say anything, then looked at him and he says well will you? I give him a HUGE kiss and actually forgot to say yes or even put on the ring. I think I was crying a bit. Then we started the tour again and my favorite colors pink, purple, and lime green where in the trees it was beautifully done. I do agree with you guys in our age we will be waiting at least two to four years before marriage, no reason to rush into anything.
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quite the turnaround!

we demand pictures of the ring
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Date: 12/23/2007 1:37:41 PM
Author: surfgirl
ERIN, is there any way you can write in BLACK and not PINK? It''s killing my eyes!
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I''m NOT the only one!!
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I do thank you for staying left aligned though, MissErin.
 
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