Cold feet or something more?

[Winks_Elf]

Date: 1/13/2010 3:17:36 PM
Author: charbie

i enjoy being the BEST at whatever i can do. he had a very ''ho-hum'' attitude about life, had no goals to move up in his position, and i realized that fundamentally we had a huge hurdle to get over. eventually, i realized that his lack of ambition (not his lack of funds, that wasn''t my issue at all) but the fact that he was content with just being ''average'' made us a bad fit.

That was one of the big red flags that I finally saw with my now ex-fi. I broke up with him last week. I''m 40, he''s 42. I have no intention of struggling to pay bills for the rest of my life.

 

[nkarma]

I am sorry Melissa about the break up.

 

[AustenNut]

Sorry to hear about the breakup, Melissa. But better now than after the you were married. Good luck with everything!

 

[charbie]

Date: 1/15/2010 11:40:10 AM
Author: Winks_Elf

Date: 1/13/2010 3:17:36 PM
Author: charbie

i enjoy being the BEST at whatever i can do. he had a very ''ho-hum'' attitude about life, had no goals to move up in his position, and i realized that fundamentally we had a huge hurdle to get over. eventually, i realized that his lack of ambition (not his lack of funds, that wasn''t my issue at all) but the fact that he was content with just being ''average'' made us a bad fit.

That was one of the big red flags that I finally saw with my now ex-fi. I broke up with him last week. I''m 40, he''s 42. I have no intention of struggling to pay bills for the rest of my life.

I didn''t realize you had called off the engagement. While I''m sure you''re going through a lot of emotions, good for you for recognizing this before the wedding took place. My thoughts are with you!

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 1/15/2010 11:40:10 AM
Author: Winks_Elf


That was one of the big red flags that I finally saw with my now ex-fi. I broke up with him last week. I''m 40, he''s 42. I have no intention of struggling to pay bills for the rest of my life.

Whoa, twice in one year. You''ve had some bad luck with engagements

You sound like a smart cookie, maybe take some time for you and beware the rebound. I think Wink needs to pick the next one

 

[luckynumber]

so sorry melissa.

you did exactly what i would do.

 

[Porridge]

Good move then Melissa! Tough call I''m sure, but better in the long run of course. Here''s to the future!

PS how featherbrained of me - I never clicked the reason behind your sn!

 

[Winks_Elf]

Thank you. I didn''t want to make a big deal of it because I SHOULD have realized the deal before I said yes. At least it wasn''t too late to correct the situation.

Really, I''m okay. I feel bad for hurting him, but other than that I honestly have no feelings other than anger for not seeing the red flags.

 

[sonnyjane]

I have a bit of a different story, but the moral is the same - don't pursue marriage unless you are absolutely, 100% positive that you are ready not only for marriage in general, but that you are ready to spend your life with that same person if they were to never, ever change a single thing about them.

I got married after dating my husband for three years. Looking back, I think we got engaged and married because it was just assumed to be the natural progression of things - you date, you get engaged, you get married. He was always quiet, I was always sociable. He spends money frivolously, and I'm a strict budgeter. He is in the military and frequently has to relocate, making it hard for me to build the type of career that I really would have wanted for myself prior to meeting him. I know they say the first year is the hardest, but I think ours was even harder than most, and we did utter the "D" word a few times, not out of anger, but just out of frustration that maybe our lifestyles just weren't compatible. Now, through VERY open communication, we are doing well, but it has taken a great deal of sacrifice on my part. If I weren't married, I would have no qualms with moving to any city where I could advance in a career rather than being stuck where he is and taking part-time work, or worse, being unemployed. I sometimes wish I had married a man that was more talkative, more fun-loving, and more responsible with money. That said, he loves me unconditionally, supports me, and understands and appreciates what I've given up to be his wife. He is also actively working toward making changes (paying off debts, going out on 'dates', etc.), so I have faith that we'll be okay. The bottom line, though, is that in the weeks leading up to our wedding, I had a panic attack about all of those issues and wondered if we shouldn't just call it off, and I ignored those feelings. Luckily he and I are both willing to work through our issues and stay married for the rest of our lives, but not everyone is as determined as us to avoid divorce, and I often wonder if an ounce of prevention would have been better than a pound of cure. I'm not saying to call off your relationship or anything, I'm just saying make sure you hash out all of these feelings BEFORE you get married rather than doing what I did and waiting until after.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

 

[Pushin40]

Date: 1/17/2010 6:38:03 PM
Author: Winks_Elf
Thank you. I didn''t want to make a big deal of it because I SHOULD have realized the deal before I said yes. At least it wasn''t too late to correct the situation.

Really, I''m okay. I feel bad for hurting him, but other than that I honestly have no feelings other than anger for not seeing the red flags.

Im sorry melissa. **HUGS**

Breaks ups suck.

 

[Porridge]

Date: 1/17/2010 6:38:03 PM
Author: Winks_Elf
Thank you. I didn''t want to make a big deal of it because I SHOULD have realized the deal before I said yes. At least it wasn''t too late to correct the situation.


Really, I''m okay. I feel bad for hurting him, but other than that I honestly have no feelings other than anger for not seeing the red flags.

Good for you Melissa. Glad you''re ok!

 

[oddoneout]

Sorry to hear about the breakup. Sorry for threadjacking too.