Coming full circle...years of "waiting" have left me jaded...

[hopefulheidi]

Nate and I have been together for over 5 years now, since August 16th, 2001. During that first year we had short talks about getting engaged and I was told I’d need to wait a year for the proposal to happen. At the time the request seemed quite reasonable as marriage is a big decision. Seven months into the relationship we graduated from college and his mom traded my graduation gifts with him, afraid that I would mistake the small earring box as an engagement ring if he was to present it to me. Our first anniversary came and went and although I’d already moved states to be with him I wasn’t in a HUGE rush to get engaged, although I was becoming increasingly frustrated. February of 2003 we looked at engagement rings together, at a store, for the first time, as Nate was searching for my Valentine’s Day gift. Of course that little shopping expedition thrilled me to no end and started the real fire of desire burning.

For the next couple of years I became seriously obsessed with the idea of getting a ring, planning the wedding, starting a life as husband and wife. Like any couple we had our ups and downs but we managed to survive the roller coaster while maintaining a strong love for each other. Eventually the lack of engagement became the biggest stressor in our relationship. It was all I could think about and all we could fight about. There was a deadline or two thrown in there and obviously nothing was happening. Nate gave me excuses left and right and I pressured him as much as humanly possibly. (I’m not proud of that, but it’s pretty close to the truth).

At some point my obsession began to wane and I found myself increasingly disinterested in the potential proposal and possible nuptials. Sure I still liked daydreaming occasionally about rings or searching for wedding vendors online, but there wasn’t the same intense desire fueling my actions. By the time we had our most honest and productive discussion this summer, during which Nate volunteered (without me torturing him), that he expected to propose within the next 6 months (by January 2007) I was ambivalent.

At this point I’m not sure exactly where I stand. After all these years of waiting, frustration, stress, disappointment is it possible that I’ve just become desensitized to this whole process? I’m actually extremely concerned that my lack of excitement is a reflection on my relationship. Is this my heart’s way of telling me that while I have a really good relationship with Nate, that he’s just not the one for me? Or am I just so worn down by the *years* of waiting that I’m understandably a bit jaded about the process?

I’m not at a point where I want to leave Nate and the life we’ve built but I’m really beginning to care less about getting married. In a way, I’m finding myself exactly where Nate probably was a few years ago: “Things are good, why bother getting married?”

Gah, this is all so confusing….anyone have any (hopefully reassuring) insights?

~Heidi

 

[oshinbreez]

The only advice I can give is look deep in your heart. Can you see yourself without Nate? If you can, you need to move on.

I''ve been divorced for over 20 years. I''ve been proposed to quite a few times in those years. Each time a man proposed, I''d do some serious soul searching and each time I could see myself without the man. Do I ever regret not getting remarried? NO....I know that I did what was best.

Hugs and keep us updated.

 

[firebirdgold]

Recently someone posted a link to a great article. It was basically that waiting too long for an engagment can kill off a relationship. Relationships have a sell-by date, and the fustration and emotions of waiting for a proposal that never comes can curdle even true love.

 

[caligal]

Heidi-

Reading your post made me think of a post I sent in May... yep- I have felt the same disinterest... My post was: to all engaged and married. I had some great advice given to me- wish I knew how to link the thread!
Anyway- the article IndieJones referenced was in my post- listed by another LIW...

Here is what I wrote:

Did any of you start to lose a bit of interest during the whole waiting process? Let me explain: I''ve been on the LIW list for almost a year, and gone through several emotions/states of being: impatience, frustration, excitement, curiosity, boredom, contentment, etc... Now he is starting to get excited and wanting to look at rings in magazines (even though he has told me he wants to wait until Fall) and I am feeling pretty nonchalant. Kinda like, "well I''ve been looking at rings for almost a year and stashing bridal **** so are you really ready or is this time for more waiting? Does this make any sense? I will tell you I''m also 2 weeks from starting a new job and getting ready to move across state in a week- maybe that has something to do with it.

 

[janinegirly]

I think you are asking some very important questions. It is definitely possible that the waiting and frustration has done damage to your relationship and maybe even eroded your feelings for your bf. This should be the biggest incentive for men to step up---b/c if they wait too long, it really starts to not be fun anymore and creates resentment, and irreversible damage to the intimacy. There is an excellent article on this which I''ve posted the link to below. I can only offer advice as an observer and recommend you take some time off to do some self analysis..even if it''s just a long wkend away with friends or to a spa. I think you are at the end of your rope (or passed it) and a 6 month timeline from your bf shows he still doesn''t get it. Anyway, best of luck, and you are not alone in these feelings. Here''s the article:

http://www.aish.com/dating/wisdom/In_Dating_Limbo.asp

 

[swingirl]

It's one thing to say, "let's get engaged now and MARRIED in 6 months" but after a relationship has lasted 7 years, and deadlines have come and gone...aren't you wondering what REALLY is the hold up? and why he doesn't want to get engaged? Why he is willing to keep you around, enjoy the benefits of a girlfriend, yet not give you what you really want? (security and a future together) I always wonder what type of husbands these men become. Is it a symptom of needing control? Are they afraid to "give up" their freedom?

I can see how it would kill any romance and would be difficult, even once married, to feel both people felt equally as strong about the relationship. I wonder how many long-term LIW are "living with" their boyfriends. And if the boyfriend was quick to make the decision to live together or did THAT take him a great deal of time to agree to, 5 years, missed deadlines, and your basic arm-twisting???

I do hope you make the best decision for yourself and your future. It's not an easy one to make 5 years into a relationship. Good luck.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

I can totally relate. I think the more and more you get your hopes up the more you just feel like things will never work out. or maybe thats just me. I guess the only thing I can really tell you is to keep ur head up high and hope for the best. I think a good heart to heart could be in order. What I did was sit down and write about what i wanted out of life in the next year. I really found myself wanting him in it and when I showed it to him I think I got him to really understand. Maye you both should write one.

 

[vivosogno]

I felt like I was reading my own thoughts when I was reading your post. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years and I am going through the same EXACT thing! I feel like the engagement (or lack thereof) is taking over our relationship! It has effected it tremedously, almost to the point of just wanting to forget the whole thing.

For me, its almost to the point of desperation (as sad as that sounds). I''m so frustrated and I feel like he doesn''t understand. We have had tons of conversations (most ending with him crying about how he doesn''t want to lose me) about getting engaged (and he says it will happen by the end of the year), but there has been NO saving - he doesn''t even have a job now. I''m kind of at a depressing point now where I can''t even try anymore because it is too painful.

For all these years I had this picture in my head of how my life was going to be. I thought the engagement would just happen and I would be swept off my feet but its like I''ve had to hold his hand to even get a timeline and I can''t do it anymore. Its taken all the romance out of it. I''ve done all the research and searching; I''ve brought up all the conversations; I''ve made the deadlines and the planning. Instead of being excited about my future I''m just sort of in limbo.

Many days I''m so angry I can''t even talk to him. I feel horrible but then at the same time I blame him. I harbor SO much resentment its ruining our relationship. He makes promises but I feel like he never comes through. I even printed out the article above for him to read and gave it to him and said "you need to read this, this is how I feel". A couple of hours later I said "what did you think of the article?". He said, "I didnt even read it, I already know what its about. Its just about how we need to get engaged". I was really hurt. Here I am, trying to help us, give him something and he can''t even read it. I''m showing you that you will lose me if you dont do something but its like hes blind to it. Maybe he doesn''t care anymore?

Unfortunately, I don''t really have any advice because it sounds like we are in the same boat. Just know that other people are going through the same thing.

 

[Erin]

I''ve been on the LIW list as long as I''ve been posting. I can echo almost every sentiment in these posts.
Our official 5 year anniv was Sept 19 although we met in June 2001.
I thought we would have become engaged three years ago, and you know what? We probably should have - my answer would have been an unwavering YES. I''ve been secretly viewing apartments on my lunch hour. I haven''t made any decisions yet, but maybe if I come across a really cute place, maybe that''ll be the moment I can really visualize myself single and living there - that''s when I''ll make up my mind.

 

[janinegirly]

it is nice to know that some of us aren''t alone in our predicaments.
one unpleasant side effect of all of this (for me) is that I have a short fuse, get upset/emotional/defensive much more easily than I used to. I''m sure it is directly related to my bf''s dragging of his feet. It affects my self esteem and my growing resentment is taken out on him in different ways. It''s like a vicious cycle. I take offense easily (feel like it''s ANOTHER thing he doesn''t get, whatever "it" is), this creates an argument, which leads to an unnecesarrily emotional reaction from me, which affirms his belief that I''m a typical female with irrational emotions, and he probably then finds more excuse to drag his feet.
At times like this I try to give him space, but then I get so angry that I have to do that. How much more space does he need, he still is just a bf who is dragging his feet and hasn''t taken any meaningful initiative yet.
I applaud you for looking at apts..I really should do the same.

 

[Erin]

You know what I sometimes tell myself / ask myself? No matter what excuses, timelines, frustrations, intentions, hopes, failures, promises, expectations, etc etc.....what it ALL comes down to, for me, is

It shouldn''t have to be this hard.

That''s sort of been my mantra for walking away.

 

[vivosogno]

Sprincess - I do the EXACT same thing. I''ve already made the decision that I''m leaving at the end of 2007 (and at this point maybe sooner). I look for apartments and even sometimes call about them. I''m not renewing our lease (in December) unless this has gone somewhere.

You''re right, it shouldn''t have to be this hard. I tell myself that all the time too.

 

[vivosogno]

Also, not to be too personal but has it effected anyone''s sex life?

 

[Erin]

Yes, like anything else where my mood, attitude, mentality takes a nose dive - it becomes another reason why 'obviously I want to marry you but now is not the right time - look how things aren't going right.' Vicious circle....

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Ahh..yeah the effects of it all damage every part of your relationship. I have gotten to the point where i just say I am too tired or I have a headache. So eitherway it pisses him off that he isnt getting any. Then I tell hiim not everything in life is handed to you on a silver platter and most of all ME! So I told him that eventually there will be no more sex until he gets his crap together. Well I guess that worked cuz we are looking at rings this week.

But I still dont like the feeling of a

just because he thinks he can get what he wants. So I TOTALLY understand.

 

[Mara]

starset...i think that you are going about it in a smart way. to me a decision like this about a long-term relationship is best made over time and with lots of reflection. it's amazing but sometimes when the thing that you thought was so sure is taken away....the guy has a wake up call. sometimes distance and reflection can really assist in the long-term. you just never know. but good for you girl that you are thinking about yourself in this situation, because that is the smartest thing you can do if you feel like you are coming to a point where you need to make some changes.

heidi...sorry that you are feeling this apathy, but i do agree with what many of the other gals said re expiration date on the waiting thing. of course you can love someone deeply but over time i could really see that the 'belief' in that other person would slowly wane as they seem to be on a totally different page than you. have you considered couples counseling or even counseling just for yourself so that an expert can help you figure out what you really want to do? i can understand your confusion, but you should get it worked out before he does propose to you so that you can know for sure if you do want to spend your life with this man.

my feeling on the whole thing is that NO it should not have to be that hard. and also you gals should want someone who WANTS to marry you and does not have to take 2 more years to figure out if that is the way they want it to be. or someday they will be ready. think about yourselves in this situation and what YOU want out of it. i know that finding love is hard and if you have found someone perfect for you, the thought of leaving them is even harder. but you have to think of yourselves too and what you are worth and what you DESERVE. and if it's not happening in a relationship then it's time to get out and see what life hands you when you are on your own. it may be a happier time. good luck to all of you.

 

[ladykemma]

life is not a dress rehearsal

rhetorical question: how much more of your precious life are you going to waste?

ball''s in your court ladies. why are you giving your power away? you cannot force another to do what they will not do. So what are YOU going to do today about your life?

you don''t have to wait for some big expensive ring either, all it takes is wedding bands, license, and a preacher.

no victim here, take your power back.
peace.

 

[Christa]

Date: 9/25/2006 12:40:54 PM
Author: Mara
my feeling on the whole thing is that NO it should not have to be that hard. and also you gals should want someone who WANTS to marry you and does not have to take 2 more years to figure out if that is the way they want it to be.

Once again, I totally agree with Mara and LadyKemma! It can be hard to see from the viewpoint of being in the middle of the relationship, but we only get one life, and I don''t see wasting in waiting for some guy to get a clue.

I also look at it this way--in essence, YOU have already proposed to him by making it clear that you want to marry him. How long are you going to wait for his answer? Several years of "no answer" really IS an answer, isn''t it?

Good luck!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 9/25/2006 11:11:38 AM
Author: Starset Princess

You know what I sometimes tell myself / ask myself? No matter what excuses, timelines, frustrations, intentions, hopes, failures, promises, expectations, etc etc.....what it ALL comes down to, for me, is

It shouldn''t have to be this hard.

Amen.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 9/25/2006 6:28:49 PM
Author: ladykemma
life is not a dress rehearsal

rhetorical question: how much more of your precious life are you going to waste?

ball''s in your court ladies. why are you giving your power away? you cannot force another to do what they will not do. So what are YOU going to do today about your life?

you don''t have to wait for some big expensive ring either, all it takes is wedding bands, license, and a preacher.

no victim here, take your power back.
peace.

I think that''s the wisest advise I''ve ever heard on this forum (LIW), and for once I have nothing to add!

Well, except that Lady Kemma is soooo right...and every human being deserves not only the American right (see Declaration of Independence) of pursuing happiness, but also actually BEING happy, even if it involves some sacrifices to create a better you in the meantime. That being said, I''m done, off the soapbox, etc. Good luck!

 

[reader]

Ok, gave that milk for free for eight years. Did the laundry too. Waited, hoped, gave up, thought the problem was all me. One day, I just...wandered away? I just woke up tired one day. If you can''t feel a passionate emotion about someone, you just no longer care and have fallen out of love. It just was time to go. After I left, I started to realize just how badly my self-esteem was damaged, and how much of myself I had forgotten.
I didn''t focus on relationships for awhile, I focused on rediscovering myself, my friends, and my interests.
Met FH, and guess what? I wasn''t some oddball who couldn''t keep a man happy! He proposed 2 years to the day after we met. My interests weren''t too strange, FH enjoys much of the same things. We didn''t have enough money to get a ring or get married....so we both work/ing our butts off to pay for it, and a great ring did take awhile, but he proposed with a silver band. All those million excuses I swallowed as to "why not" with my ex did not exist with my FH. It hurts to realize that the ex that I spent nearly a decade waiting on didn''t love or respect me enough to marry me, but I am glad I am not wasting anymore time with someone who will never commit. I get to have the chance to grow old with someone who loves the real me.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 9/25/2006 7:06:40 PM
Author: Christa
I also look at it this way--in essence, YOU have already proposed to him by making it clear that you want to marry him. How long are you going to wait for his answer? Several years of ''no answer'' really IS an answer, isn''t it?

WHOA. WOW.

I''m kinda speechless. I agree. But I''ve never heard it put quite so clearly.

(and I know every situation is different and everyone has different time frames etc .. so my comment isn''t related to the OP''s or anyone''s particular situation AT ALL.)

I am going to remember that comparison though ... if it comes up *again* with any of my IRL friends!

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 9/26/2006 1:00:26 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 9/25/2006 7:06:40 PM
Author: Christa
I also look at it this way--in essence, YOU have already proposed to him by making it clear that you want to marry him. How long are you going to wait for his answer? Several years of ''no answer'' really IS an answer, isn''t it?

WHOA. WOW.

I''m kinda speechless. I agree. But I''ve never heard it put quite so clearly.

(and I know every situation is different and everyone has different time frames etc .. so my comment isn''t related to the OP''s or anyone''s particular situation AT ALL.)

I am going to remember that comparison though ... if it comes up *again* with any of my IRL friends!

I agree, Christa made an excellent point. And very thought provoking at that.

In your heart of hearts I bet you already know the answer.

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 9/26/2006 12:38:02 AM
Author: reader
Ok, gave that milk for free for eight years. Did the laundry too. Waited, hoped, gave up, thought the problem was all me. One day, I just...wandered away? I just woke up tired one day. If you can''t feel a passionate emotion about someone, you just no longer care and have fallen out of love. It just was time to go. After I left, I started to realize just how badly my self-esteem was damaged, and how much of myself I had forgotten.
I didn''t focus on relationships for awhile, I focused on rediscovering myself, my friends, and my interests.
Met FH, and guess what? I wasn''t some oddball who couldn''t keep a man happy! He proposed 2 years to the day after we met. My interests weren''t too strange, FH enjoys much of the same things. We didn''t have enough money to get a ring or get married....so we both work/ing our butts off to pay for it, and a great ring did take awhile, but he proposed with a silver band. All those million excuses I swallowed as to ''why not'' with my ex did not exist with my FH. It hurts to realize that the ex that I spent nearly a decade waiting on didn''t love or respect me enough to marry me, but I am glad I am not wasting anymore time with someone who will never commit. I get to have the chance to grow old with someone who loves the real me.

that''s the bottom line, isn''t it? he doesn''t love you enought to marry you.

 

[hopefulheidi]

Even though this thread seems to have taken a direction I had not intended, I still think I should respond as I started this mess.

First of all, I thought posting here would make me feel better when in actuality I feel a bit worse because:

1) It''s horrible to think that anyone can relate so easily to this pain and frustration that I''ve experienced over the years. I wish that everyone''s path to marriage was as easy as it seems to have been for the lucky few that have posted here but the realist in me understands that humans (intentionally or not) always end up hurting one another at some point. I''m so sorry that so many of you are hurting/have been hurt. Regardless of your future paths I do hope that you''ll all enjoy peace and happiness while leaving behind the resentment and anger that has clouded your thoughts during the low points of your relationships.

2) In a way I feel guilty about even posting because my situation doesn''t seem as dire as some of yours. Just the other day Nate and I were discussing some of his unexpected stock income and although it was clear that he wants to set it aside as a safety net, he was quick to assure me that he has been saving for months towards a ring and that he now has about 1/2 the purchase price sitting in his bank acct waiting for the other half to join it. We also just returned from a visit to NY where we visited a potential wedding venue (a charming little winery upstate) and he dealt very well with all of the wedding talk from my jealous sister and anxious mother. After our huge heart to heart this summer I now truly believe we''ve turned the corner and that he *is* working towards a proposal (however slowly it may feel to me). He even worked with Michael E to design a necklace for my recent birthday gift that will match the Engagement Ring/Wedding Set that I''ve been dreaming about.

THIS time there are real signs, not all of the imagined signs I wanted so desperately to believe in during the past SO....

While I expected to come here and commiserate, in a way I think I can offer at least a sliver of hope to those of you struggling out there. For almost 5 years Nate was SO resistant to the idea of marriage, predominately because I was pushing so hard for it. I''m to blame for some of the stress and resentment that we both experienced but at some point things just changed and I relaxed and it made being in the relationship so much easier for both of us. I’ve talked to a number of people that have experienced similar instances in their situations.

It seems that in any guy’s life there are particular times when they are more prepared/ready to propose than others. Every situation is different. Even my non-committal Nate had a high school sweetheart with whom he had considered a future. At that time he was young and naïve but still idealistic and romantic enough to believe it could work. As he grew up though, he realized the importance of such a life long commitment and he was hurt enough times to become more guarded of his feelings.

---As an aside, I was discussing my feelings towards my lack of engagement with a friend of mine some time ago. Years ago she was in a similar situation. She had been dating her boyfriend for 5 years and they were living together and had a good relationship. At that point though, she was ready for things to move in a forward direction and they had a number of heart to heart talks. At the time she really believed her boyfriend would never be ready to propose so she started planning for a future without him. Once he realized what he’d be losing if she moved on without him, he decided to propose and within 3 months they were happily engaged. Today they have 2 beautiful children together and they are SO happy. While he may have needed a wake up call, once he finally got to a point of wanting to be engaged, he jumped in wholeheartedly. He was excited to propose and thrilled at the idea of getting married…his pot had just needed to sit on the fire for a bit longer than most before the water started boiling but that doesn’t mean his was any less bubbly hehe ---

While this may seem like I’m defending Nate, I have endured my own relationships and experienced the same thing myself. At the age of 18 I received a proposal from my 20 year old boyfriend whom I had only been dating for 7 months. Looking back now, my standards for a relationship were so low then and my on-again/off-again fiancé wasn’t even close to a good fit for me but at the time I was idealistically optimistic. I didn’t know enough about myself to know what I really needed. It was all part of the learning process. It’s that unsuccessful relationship that helps me to compare/contrast just how much better this relationship is with Nate. I think it’s similar with most things as we age; our experiences help us to determine more specifically the qualities that we are looking for and that will make us the happiest. In a way, it’s a bit of a Catch-22. Sometimes we’re obliviously happy and that’s fine, but once you look behind the curtain, you’ll never be happy in the same way again. Your expectations have been raised and you need something more exacting/specific to make you the same level of happy. Self awareness and growth can make the pursuit of happiness a bit more complicated but it’s something that can’t really be avoided.


So what am I trying to say? IT’S ALL ABOUT THE TIMING.

I’m not one to believe that there is one particular “soul mate” for each of us; it’s more a matter of finding a good fit and being in the right place at the right time with that other person. I think in my case, I found the right person at the wrong time in his life (there was a small window of time a few years back where a proposal could have happened but for whatever reason it was closed before the deal was done; perhaps we needed the time to learn more about ourselves and our relationship before signing on the dotted line) but I don’t think that means I’m totally doomed. Eventually Nate will once again reach the point where a proposal seems like a good idea (he may even be there now!) and when that time comes I like to hope that I’ll be there patiently waiting for him and we’ll both be where we need to be.

For Heaven’s sake, if you’re in a bad relationship, don’t wait around for it to get good. I’m not saying anyone should suffer through so much pain like a martyr hoping for a miracle BUT if the relationship is still strong and there is still love there I can see why one may be willing to sit tight and give their guy the time/space they need to come around. Only you truly know whether the relationship is worth the time investment or if it is already too late for a resurrection.

OK, I’ll leave you with a cheesy quote that I think sum up what I’m trying to say:

From Sex and the City - “Men are like cabs. They drive around dating women and picking them up, but their light isn’t on. When they want to get married, they turn their light on. And the next woman they pick up, they marry.”

Using this analogy, you can either sit in your current cab, the cab you know, the cab you love, and wait for the light to turn on or you can get out and find another cab that already has their light turned on but it will be a new cab and you’ll need to be OK with giving up the old, familiar, comfortable cab in the hopes that the new cab will make you happier. If you’re in a rush, obviously finding a new cab is the way to go. If you’re content with the path your current cab is on, and you’re enjoying the ride, there is no reason to switch. It’s up to you to decide your priorities though.

~Heidi

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 9/26/2006 9:55:37 AM
Author: hopefulheidi

From Sex and the City - "Men are like cabs. They drive around dating women and picking them up, but their light isn''t on. When they want to get married, they turn their light on. And the next woman they pick up, they marry"

No offense meant, but I abhor this analogy. It assumes that all men are such prizes that whenever they feel like getting married, whatever desperate woman is around at the time will say "SURE!". It also sort of implies a lack of insight & maturity & intelligence of BOTH parties.

I find it to be a self-loathing, vaguely misogynistic viewpoint. Albeit a handy one if you find yourself trying not to personalize a man''s "commitment issues".

 

[janinegirly]

heidi, i''m happy that things are looking brighter for you and your bf and that marriage plans are now in the works. however, we were all responding to your original post, which was a lot more uncertain (your feelings, not nate''s) and you used some words a lot of us relate to (jaded, feelings wane, frustration). in fact here''s an excerpt:

"At this point I’m not sure exactly where I stand. After all these years of waiting, frustration, stress, disappointment is it possible that I’ve just become desensitized to this whole process? I’m actually extremely concerned that my lack of excitement is a reflection on my relationship. Is this my heart’s way of telling me that while I have a really good relationship with Nate, that he’s just not the one for me? Or am I just so worn down by the *years* of waiting that I’m understandably a bit jaded about the process? "

So while I don''t think all of us are hurting terribly or in completely hopeless and dire predicaments, many of us can relate to the pain of frustration and waiting which can lead to resentment...which it seemed like you were heading towards, until your recent post which is a complete turnaround. I believe most on this board have tales (current and past) of frustration...b/c it is called "ladies in waiting" after all.

 

[hopefulheidi]

Deco,

You''re obviously welcome to your opinion

I think it''s simply an easy way to demonstrate a point...guys (and girls) aren''t always in a place where they are mentally ready for an engagement. The decision to be ready is an internal one. There may be outside forces that push a person in one direction or another, but ultimately it''s up to that one person to break through to the next level. Sure it''s oversimplified and meant to be humorous, but it''s an easy concept to grasp.

The same analogy could be used about monogomous dating, starting a family etc. If I''m not at a place where I''m ready to have kids, that doesn''t mean that I don''t want children or that I won''t want children in the near future, it just means I''m not at a point where I feel prepared to procreate. It''s not a reflection on the people around me or my future descendents, it''s about my own personal location in the journey of life.

It''s so easy for us Ladies in Waiting to be extra sensitive to the remarks of others. Some of us may feel judged about our current situations as if others are saying we''re stupid for staying in our relationships or that we''re obviously not doing something right if our boyfriends don''t want to propose. I''m simply trying to say that it isn''t always a matter of blame. A girl can do everything possible to ensure that she and her boyfriend have a good relationship and if he''s just not ready, he''s not ready and it''s not her fault.

I know the analogy is lame but I was hoping it would help demonstrate a point....If a certain lady is riding around in a cab and the light isn''t on, it''s not her fault, she can''t force the cabbie to flip the switch and she shouldn''t feel bad about that. If she''s content just enjoying the journey she should be OK with that and she shouldn''t feel judged as a result. If however she happens to be there when the light is flipped on, it doesn''t mean she was just so much more amazing than all of the other passengers either though, she simply met the cabbie when he was open and receptive to the potential. It was his decision to flip the light on and she shouldn''t be taking credit for that either.

Basically I want everyone to be happy If you''re in a good relationship but the wait is annoying, you should feel free to vent without the threat of persecution. If you''re in a bad relationship, no doubt you realize you''re in a bad relationship and you need to do something to change it. If you''re lucky enough to be in a position where you''ve received the proposal and perhaps are happily esconced in your marriage, please just be gentle to those of us that haven''t yet arrived at that point.

It''s easy to judge, but hard to be empathetic.

 

[Cailet]

I agree with Janine- if I wasn''t looking at the name of the poster I would assume that the first post and last post were from completely different people. Your first post really sounded like you were "past you expiration date" of the relationship as that article says and this last post sounds like you have a lot of excitment for the possible pending proposal (how''s that for a tongue twister!)

So - I think it is understandable that the gals replied as they did to the first post. Hopefully it was just yet another example of a posts TONE and INTENTION not coming through!

Anyway - congrats on seeming to get through this tough time in your relationship and still being able to be patient with your guy!

 

[hopefulheidi]

I think our own personal positions allow us to read different things into each person''s post. It''s all a matter of perspective. Rereading my post *I* can see my point, but apparently not everyone else was able to. I’m sorry for that. Maybe I need to work on my writing skills hehe

Essentially what I was getting at when I originally posted was a lack of excitement about a proposal not the negativity of resentment towards Nate or dissatisfaction with our relationship. It''s actually quite the opposite: Our relationship is stronger than it has been in quite some time, we’re both much more relaxed, we make each other happy, we enjoy spending time together, life is good

BUT on Friday I was thinking of my lack of enthusiasm when imagining our future engagement.

I have experienced a lot of the emotions that others commented on, the sense of rejection, the frustration etc but my intent was to discuss what comes *after* those feelings. I wanted to find if I was the only one that had weathered the storm and found themselves relieved but not quite excited to see the sun peaking out from behind the clouds.

After a lot of thought I came to realize that my disinterest was most likely a case of self protectionism. I have gotten my hopes up so many times before only to have them dashed. In a way it seems significantly easier/safer not to expect anything at all. It leaves more room for a pleasant surprise rather than setting myself up for another potential disappointment. I would imagine that others have found themselves in a similar situation after repeated letdowns but I could be wrong.

I’m sorry if my original intent was unclear.

~Heidi