Coming full circle...years of "waiting" have left me jaded...

[decodelighted]

Hopeful Heidi,

Believe it or not, I want everyone to "be happy" too. My "intention" isn''t to judge ANYONE or their individual situations, partly out of empathy, partly because I am aware (as I mentioned in an earlier post) that every situation is different & personal & can''t be summed up in message board posts.

Date: 9/26/2006 10:34:37 AM
Author: hopefulheidi
If a certain lady is riding around in a cab and the light isn''t on, it''s not her fault, she can''t force the cabbie to flip the switch and she shouldn''t feel bad about that. If she''s content just enjoying the journey she should be OK with that and she shouldn''t feel judged as a result. If however she happens to be there when the light is flipped on, it doesn''t mean she was just so much more amazing than all of the other passengers either though, she simply met the cabbie when he was open and receptive to the potential. It was his decision to flip the light on and she shouldn''t be taking credit for that either.

IMO If a lady stays in the cab longer than is comfortable for her ... that''s her choice and her responsibility to take care of her own emotional needs. You can''t help being "judged". It''s everywhere and about every situation. You can only control how you choose to process and react to the situation. Scolding others for "judging" ain''t gonna change human nature.

You mention that people who are happy should "be gentle" and "empathetic". You''re lucky enough to have known a situation where a long-time foot-dragger became a happily married hubby. That contibutes to your point of view. I know several situations that have turned out differently. That colors my perceptions. The truth is, generalities are just that, generalities. Everyone who finds themselves in a similar situation should dig deeply within themselves to figure out their best course of action (or consult a professional).

Sometimes hearing the "not-so-happy short-term ending/very happy long term ending" stories HELPS women who are having trouble making a hard decision ... helps them not waste any more of their precious time. Helps them see that a happier future IS possible. Helps them remember they have POWER too. I don''t think ANYONE HERE means to judge or discourage or hold themselves out as "experts". I def. don''t want to do any of those things.


p.s. -- to the "fiances & wives" aren''t so much more "amazing" than other women... um: YEAH! Who said they were? ... but whether they simply "got lucky"?? They''re "lucky" to have found someone they love & want to marry who also wants to marry them, sure. But some have had some prior "unlucky" experiences, possibly exhibited "courage" and "strength" & gained a bit of "wisdom" along the way. Reducing lasting love to "luck" seems awfully simplistic. Especially when you consider how much work & compromise & effort even the seemingly "best" relationships involve.

 

[Julian]

Heidi, it looks like things have turned around for you -- and I''m happy that things are moving forward!

Sometimes we forget that what someone says is only true in that present mood. You know how a crushing disappointment can color everything! Maybe that''s what happened. Not to say there wasn''t truth in either post, but it''s wonderful that you feel better and are both on the same page!

Lookin'' forward to your engagement! I like that cab analogy. I don''t think it means some women just got lucky, but it''s a complicated mix of things... like a reciple.

Engagement Pie (Not as good as Lemon Pie, however!)

Recipe:

Man ready to settle down
Woman he loves more than anything in the world
Finances in order
Acceptance of family situations
Common goals & beliefs (children, lifestyle, religion & etc.)

Is there anything else I''m leaving out?

 

[Erin]

Date: 9/26/2006 11:59:47 AM
Author: Julian

Engagement Pie (Not as good as Lemon Pie, however!)

Recipe:

Man ready to settle down
Woman he loves more than anything in the world
Finances in order
Acceptance of family situations
Common goals & beliefs (children, lifestyle, religion & etc.)

Is there anything else I''m leaving out?

Sees marriage as a value-added commitment level - (as opposed to things are great status quo)

 

[hopefulheidi]

Julian...
hehe If only it was as easy as the great Lemon Meringue/Key Lime Debate....

Whenever Nate was particularly grating on my nerves, I could just tell him to Eat Me hehe



And I really have to agree...the tone of the post can change completely from day to day as moods happen to shift quite quickly...that''s par for the course where relationships are concerned though right?

 

[Becky P]

Date: 9/25/2006 11:46:55 AM
Author: vivosogno
Also, not to be too personal but has it effected anyone''s sex life?

Yes. Most definitely! For me, sex is such an emotional act - it''s hard to be in the mood to connect sexually when I don''t feel like we''re heading down the same path. The other day, we had a great evening, and I felt really close to him - we had the best sex ever.

 

[february2003bride]

I haven''t read the otehr responses yet so if I am repeating the other posts, I apologize.

If you aren''t even engaged after 5 years, why stay? When is too long, too long? The 10 year mark? 12? You want to get married, maybe have kids, move on the the next phase of your life. If this relationship hasn''t gotten there yet by this point, why stay and miss other opportunites that are out there?

 

[february2003bride]

Date: 9/26/2006 9:55:37 AM
Author: hopefulheidi

From Sex and the City - “Men are like cabs. They drive around dating women and picking them up, but their light isn’t on. When they want to get married, they turn their light on. And the next woman they pick up, they marry.”

I respecfully disagree. Men don''t turn their light on and then the next woman is IT. The woman turns HIS light on for marriage and vice versa. Does it seriously take 5 years to flip that switch? It shouldn''t have too.

 

[hopefulheidi]

Date: 9/28/2006 10:15:24 AM
Author: february2003bride
I haven''t read the otehr responses yet so if I am repeating the other posts, I apologize.

If you aren''t even engaged after 5 years, why stay? When is too long, too long? The 10 year mark? 12? You want to get married, maybe have kids, move on the the next phase of your life. If this relationship hasn''t gotten there yet by this point, why stay and miss other opportunites that are out there?

Why stay? Perhaps you should ask that to the people who participated in albicocca''s poll back in December 2005: https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/how-long-before-you-got-engaged.36959/



Of the 61 people that responded, 24 people dated 4 or more years before getting engaged. That''s 39% of the crowd. If that''s not reason enough of a reason to stay, perhaps a deep and precious love is.

 

[LAJennifer]

Date: 9/22/2006 7:06:12 PM
Author: IndieJones
Recently someone posted a link to a great article. It was basically that waiting too long for an engagment can kill off a relationship. Relationships have a sell-by date, and the fustration and emotions of waiting for a proposal that never comes can curdle even true love.

I agree with this. I definitely think a relationship can reach the "point of no return". I often tell my guy friends that, "the longer they wait, they only increase the chance their girl will say no".

In my personal opinion - this has happened to a few ladies on this forum - where they wait too long for the proposal but accept anyway - only to break the engagement a few months down the road.

 

[Julian]

I don''t know if 4-5 years is that long to wait. Many of the posters are very young -- some started dating in their teens. I know DH and I started dating in our early 20s so we were together a few years before being old enough to know what life was about & get engaged. I was in NO rush then, believe me!

At that time, you''re really starting careers and are too busy to settle down just yet. If we had gotten engaged at 22, I think it would have been too soon. Mid-late 20s were perfect for us and I''m glad we waited a few years and did things on our own before coming together forever!

 

[janinegirly]

i agree that if a couple starts dating very young (teens into early 20''s), then the number of years into the relationship is not as hardline as it is in say, your 30''s. To me 3 yrs in a relationship in your 30''s is kind of equal to 6 in one which started at 18 if that makes any sense! So somtimes people get aggravated that their long relationship (6+ yrs) is being equated to the frustrations of someone in one for a couple of years, but it''s really all the same. I''m just over 3yrs and it feels long. For me, we behave like a boring married couple, so why not make it official already (a good kind of boring mind you

). My deadline is in a little over a month. I''ve been VERY good about staying mum. We''ll see if it works out of not.

 

[buttercup8]

H,
I am giving you an ultra condensed version.
I have been dating my BF for 9.5 years. I have been living with him for 7. I found this site because I was researching setting styles.
We are finally getting married and he just bought the ring last week. If you really love him and are willing to wait- let him come to you when he is ready.
The last thing you want to do is corner him. You want him to WANT to be with you. The question is how long can you wait?
In the time that I have been dating him, all of our friends have gotten married and have had children. It has been extremely painful watching everyone else move on with their lives while I felt like I was getting nowhere. I have had friends and family doubt our relationship,....when there was really no need.
We were really happy until I started pushing and nagging him. I waited until he was ready and it has been wonderful ever since.You know deep within if he is or is not worth the wait,.....
ps. the 3.8 carat ring did make me feel better that I waited 9 years.

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Date: 10/3/2006 12:44:36 AM
Author: buttercup16
H,
I am giving you an ultra condensed version.
I have been dating my BF for 9.5 years. I have been living with him for 7. I found this site because I was researching setting styles.
We are finally getting married and he just bought the ring last week. If you really love him and are willing to wait- let him come to you when he is ready.
The last thing you want to do is corner him. You want him to WANT to be with you. The question is how long can you wait?
In the time that I have been dating him, all of our friends have gotten married and have had children. It has been extremely painful watching everyone else move on with their lives while I felt like I was getting nowhere. I have had friends and family doubt our relationship,....when there was really no need.
We were really happy until I started pushing and nagging him. I waited until he was ready and it has been wonderful ever since.You know deep within if he is or is not worth the wait,.....
ps. the 3.8 carat ring did make me feel better that I waited 9 years.

YOU BETTER SHOW US SOME HAND PICS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Butterflies]

Date: 10/3/2006 12:44:36 AM
Author: buttercup16
H,
I am giving you an ultra condensed version.
I have been dating my BF for 9.5 years. I have been living with him for 7. I found this site because I was researching setting styles.
We are finally getting married and he just bought the ring last week. If you really love him and are willing to wait- let him come to you when he is ready.
The last thing you want to do is corner him. You want him to WANT to be with you. The question is how long can you wait?
In the time that I have been dating him, all of our friends have gotten married and have had children. It has been extremely painful watching everyone else move on with their lives while I felt like I was getting nowhere. I have had friends and family doubt our relationship,....when there was really no need.
We were really happy until I started pushing and nagging him. I waited until he was ready and it has been wonderful ever since.You know deep within if he is or is not worth the wait,.....
ps. the 3.8 carat ring did make me feel better that I waited 9 years.

I really like what you wrote. I have to keep reminding myself this: It will be much better when he is ready than if I push him to do it (which I haven''t done but I can see how waiting for so long can tempt you to do that). I have to be patient, very patient

. Thanks for that post. It put things in the right perspective.

 

[Erin]

Date: 10/3/2006 12:44:36 AM
Author: buttercup16
If you really love him and are willing to wait- let him come to you when he is ready.
...I waited until he was ready...

But if in the midst of waiting someone else comes along.....it''s not like we weren''t waiting.....he just took too damn long.

 

[janinegirly]

i agree, you can''t just be so passive and "wait until he is ready." What if he is ready when he is 50? Maybe you''ll be so worn down by waiting, with chances of children/family long gone that resentment starts to set in. Will you still wait patiently with a smile on your face? I know that''s an extreme example, but for the ladies out there who think just sitting tight indefinitely is the way to go (from what I''ve read that''s not the case often!), I have to say be careful. This is why being a lady in waiting is inherently so difficult. You want to respect tradition to an extent (let the man feel they are making the decision, make it a surprise), BUT you also do want your own timeline, needs and psychological well being (let''s face it) to be taken into account and respected! No one wants to feel foolish or have their patience taken advatage of. You also risk taking the chance that your bf may become comfortable and feel no compulsion to change the status quo.
Don''t be such a silent partner, speak your mind, make him realize he is not only deciding for himself but for BOTH of you and therefore you are a integral part of this decision making process. Otherwise you might be in for a surprise, and not the sparkly kind. I''m probably rambling, but you get my point..

 

[Butterflies]

It''s all relative. If you two have never discussed the future then I would say ''speak out''. I did, I asked him if we were on the same page and he said yes. We both want to get married. I was referring to the engagement part. He has told me he is looking at rings. My point when I said to ''wait patiently'' is regarding trusting that he will do it sooner or later (hopefully sooner) and not being nagging about it every other day.

 

[janinegirly]

well it''s quite obvious that any serious relationship would entail discussions on the future. And yes, every case is different. I would still, however, caution about being so silent. Just being on the same page is not enough. Just saying something vague about wanting to be married someday is not enough. If you''re on this website, I''d venture to say that you''re hoping for a proposal, but seems you have resigned to just wait until whenever he is ready. If you truly feel that way, and can wait years rather than months, then that''s fine and of course your perogative and maybe (and hopefully) it''ll work out soon.
But there is nothing wrong with having a open, honest discussion about timelines. I would encourage it. I waited too long because I wanted to give my bf room, and didn''t want to be a "nag", and am naturally reserved and complacent. I learned that this is not the best route--it''s much better to be open and honest. Not in an attacking way of course, but in the context of a loving relationship with two people being open about what they want exactly, and that encompasses when and the future beyond that (kids, where to live,real estate,etc. etc.). I think someone else mentioned that guys look at engagement and marriage as the same thing, and I think this is true. So they don''t feel "funny" about discussing this stuff if they are close to proposing.

 

[Butterflies]

I do not disagree, quite on the contrary. My only point is that if you and your SO have discussed it and you know and trust him then continue living your life and not looking through the dirt every 5 minutes to see if the seed is growing, know what I mean? It boils down to this: If you are indeed in a healthy, mature, trustworthy relationship and you two have discussed marriage AND he tells you that he is looking at rings, then there is nothing wrong with waiting for the fruit to ripe in its own time. That's all. On the other hand, if you don't feel comfortable talking about marriage with your SO then maybe you two are not ready to take that step just yet.

Edited to add that it is not a bad a idea to set an internal timeline to discuss the issue with your SO if nothing has happened by then.