Coping with verbal aggression

[Sprinkles&Stones]

I walk. I don’t put up with that garbage. I’ve cut ties with 9/10 people I’ve been “friends” with, and I don’t regret it for a second. Better people come along.
Especially if you tell this person “what you said hurt me”, and they give you the old “I’m sorry YOU FEEL that way?” Bye.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Yes “I’m sorry you feel that way” is not an apology, it’s passive aggressive BS that is used by abusive people.

 

[marymm]

FWIW I do not group rudeness and curtness in with verbal aggression. Verbal aggression is generally defined as communication-based bullying, abuse and ridicule. Personally I do not see verbal aggression or lashing out in the examples posted in this thread.

I do see curt statements by the friend who was talking about her problem and was annoyed by your suggestions and comments. Now, this may be a one-way friendship so it would be appropriate for you to cut her loose, or to downgrade the friendship to a mere acquaintanceship ... but if this friendship for the most part has been a satisfying and mutual relationship, I'd give a one-time pass to the friend's curtness and subsequent graceless apology. If it has happened more than once, and you do not believe the friend is going through a dilemma which may explain her behavior and which may warrant your support and understanding, then stop being friends.

My go-to with friends/family starting to talk about a problem they're having is to specifically ask at the outset: "Would you like suggestions and feedback, or are you venting here?" When people are talking about a problem, often their emotions are higher than if they're relating a recent film or cute pet story. I try to remember that they feel safe sharing the problem with me, and that they may be less filtered because of the higher emotions and stress of the problem. These are the same kinds of conversations that can easily get out of hand or become unproductive because either the person with the problem is really not in a place to productively share and listen, or the listener is not in a place to deal with the stressed individual.

The date just sounds like a rude jerk and not worthy of your attention or your time.

I cope with these kinds of situations by, first, limiting my circle to people with whom I share a mutually rewarding and caring relationship. I also have a thicker skin than some, and am not afraid to remove myself from unproductive conversations.

While I try to focus on kindness, I don't really care about people not in my circle; I wish them well in a general sense of course but I don't waste my time or energy on them. I don't involve myself with takers and soul-suckers, even among my own family.

My main life philosophy is "live and learn" -- and when people show me they are really unkind or rude or selfish at their core, I believe them and I reduce my contact with them accordingly.

When otherwise good people are acting temporarily unkind or rude or selfish due to temporary problems or crises, I stand by them.

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

How do YOU handle unexpected verbal aggression from people you assumed care about you?

I berate them back and then end the friendship in a wondrous blaze of glory.

Yes I can just be civilized and walk away with dignity but I don't find that satisfy so if I'm prepared to end the friendship I light a glorious match and torch that bridge.

I always feel excellent afterwards and have no regrets about wishing that I had stood up for myself!

 

[newon3]

I understand you may overly emotional, and said examples may have been short or rude; but none of that was aggressive in the least.

Some people just suck though.

 

[Lookinagain]

Um, he's my boyfriend, and it took me all of 2 mins to remember my log-in. There was no gas; he lives a five-minute walk from me. He continued to be annoyed after I had remembered my log-in. Again, not sure what my crime was apart from forgetting my log-in for 2 mins.

Your only crime here was picking the wrong boyfriend because it sounds like this is not uncommon behavior for him.
I think many folks can be short or curt with their friends and families or even co-workers at times and it generally has nothing to do with the other person, but just what is going on with them. So I tend to ignore it if it's isolated. If its their typical style, I would probably say something like "why are you using that tone of voice" as often, it's the tone, and not the words, that convey the message that they are irritated with you. But I wouldn't continue the relationship with a friend who often spoke that way to me. Some people just have that kind of personality and I'd rather stay away. When it's family it's harder.

 

[House Cat]

Honestly, it’s in my nature to try and smooth things over. Sometimes i even say I’m to blame for their actions. Old childhood habits die hard.

I have found that i take it and take it and take it. It’s my heart’s way of giving them a chance to behave differently. Once someone has proven over and over again that they can’t treat me with kindness, I’m done. After so many chances, i can rest easily knowing I did my best. I don’t ever have to look back.

I do wish i was one of those people who can cut ties quickly. It just doesn’t seem to work that way for me.

 

[Elizabeth35]

It has taken me 60+ years to learn to simply say--'why are you speaking to me this way'? It gets the conversation back on track.
At work--I would occasionally say 'the way you are speaking to me is making me uncomfortable'. That always resulted in the other person apologizing, and reasonable discourse resumed.
It's simply a way of saying that you are not willing to converse or engage with someone who is being unreasonable, aggressive or rude.

 

[seaurchin]

As Jambalaya brought up, I too would like to know the psychology behind someone who seems to not like you (as shown by frequent annoyance flare ups, insults or whatever) but who pursues you and seeks your company. I think there is something wrong with people who do that sort of thing and that's why the rest of us don't understand it. I mean, if I don't like someone, I try to avoid them. I can't imagine going out of my way to be around them.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

As Jambalaya brought up, I too would like to know the psychology behind someone who seems to not like you (as shown by frequent annoyance flare ups, insults or whatever) but pursues you and seeks your company. I think there is something wrong with people who do that sort of thing and that's why the rest of us don't understand it. I mean, if I don't like someone, I try to avoid them.

I wonder if it’s a narcissistic trait. I’ve read that narcissists look for people they can get their narcissistic supply from.