Crying friend... what to do

[Ara Ann]

I had a ''no small kids reception'' as well...in fact my 2.5 year old nephew was going to be our ring bearer but melted down at the rehearsal so we opted to leave him out and just have my niece as our flower girl and she was a well behaved 7 year old.


My oldest niece was married 4 years ago and had her two little hellion cousins at the church...brothers, about 4 and 5 and the stupid parents brought LOUD toys for them to play with in church, like a hard plastic ''talking'' "Buzz Lightyear"...the mother was in the bridal party, but the clueless dad sat there with these two monsters as they kept dropping their toys on the floor and he kept giving them back to the kids and he wouldn''t take them out of church. I was livid and it wasn''t my wedding...do parents think this is cute? I don''t get it at all.

 

[TooPatient]

Date: 9/14/2009 6:12:21 PM
Author: Ara Ann
I had a ''no small kids reception'' as well...in fact my 2.5 year old nephew was going to be our ring bearer but melted down at the rehearsal so we opted to leave him out and just have my niece as our flower girl and she was a well behaved 7 year old.


My oldest niece was married 4 years ago and had her two little hellion cousins at the church...brothers, about 4 and 5 and the stupid parents brought LOUD toys for them to play with in church, like a hard plastic ''talking'' ''Buzz Lightyear''...the mother was in the bridal party, but the clueless dad sat there with these two monsters as they kept dropping their toys on the floor and he kept giving them back to the kids and he wouldn''t take them out of church. I was livid and it wasn''t my wedding...do parents think this is cute? I don''t get it at all.

Don''t forget their little snack bags. Usually something crunchy. That way it makes noise AND a mess.

 

[cara]

THL, if the mother in question had given some of the reasonable reasons you site for wanting to bring her children (OOT travel, inconvenience of finding weekend babysitters, etc.) I would be totally sympathetic. And the answer in that case would be for the OP to be a little more understanding of logistical difficulties and help with the arrangements - onsite childcare, offsight babysitting arrangements at a local house with trusted sitter, etc. Even making an exception for an extreme case or two - say a breastfeeding newborn, or if they really can't find any functional childcare.

But that isn't what the mother pleaded. She basically said that her 3 yro had her heart set on coming, and was being emotionally manipulative about not wanting to say no to her daughter. Well, too bad. Being a parent of a 3 yro means learning how to occasionally break their heart either because its for their own good or its the way the world works. Really, we don't (or shouldn't) let kids get their way by throwing tantrums, and this mother was throwing a tantrum. She has an obligation to be reasonable and accommodating just like the OP - and in this case, I don't think 'my 3 yro has her heart set on it' is a good enough reason if the bride wants an adult party for her wedding.

But sadly I think you are right that it could affect their friendship.

 

[HollyS]

Ah, children. They should be banned from all social events.

And restaurants without play rooms.

And movies other than G.

And the church pew (until they''re at least six).

I''m kidding. Sort of.

 

[Ara Ann]

Date: 9/14/2009 6:43:57 PM
Author: HollyS
Ah, children. They should be banned from all social events.

And restaurants without play rooms.


And movies other than G.


And the church pew (until they''re at least six).


I''m kidding. Sort of.

I have nothing against young well behaved children being included in situations where good behavior is expected, like during a wedding ceremony in a church, or at a pricey restaurant. I DO have a problem with clueless parents who refuse to remove their ill behaved children from such situations. In that respect it is the parent''s fault more than the child''s. If kids are running wild at McDonald''s, fine, it''s a kids place...if a screaming kid is interrupting an expensive anniversary dinner at a nice restaurant, then I am not going to be too happy about it and rightly so. Parents need to realize their kids antics are not cute to everyone around them.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 9/14/2009 6:51:32 PM
Author: Ara Ann

Date: 9/14/2009 6:43:57 PM
Author: HollyS
Ah, children. They should be banned from all social events.

And restaurants without play rooms.


And movies other than G.


And the church pew (until they''re at least six).


I''m kidding. Sort of.

I have nothing against young well behaved children being included in situations where good behavior is expected, like during a wedding ceremony in a church, or at a pricey restaurant. I DO have a problem with clueless parents who refuse to remove their ill behaved children from such situations. In that respect it is the parent''s fault more than the child''s. If kids are running wild at McDonald''s, fine, it''s a kids place...if a screaming kid is interrupting an expensive anniversary dinner at a nice restaurant, then I am not going to be too happy about it and rightly so. Parents need to realize their kids antics are not cute to everyone around them.

I agree. Although my DH and I did have a ban on children at our wedding/reception. It was non-negotiable. As it should be for this bride-to-be.

(I was trying to appear less curmudgeonly in my first post.

)

 

[Ara Ann]

Date: 9/14/2009 7:07:58 PM
Author: HollyS

Date: 9/14/2009 6:51:32 PM

Author: Ara Ann

Date: 9/14/2009 6:43:57 PM

Author: HollyS

Ah, children. They should be banned from all social events.

And restaurants without play rooms.



And movies other than G.



And the church pew (until they''re at least six).



I''m kidding. Sort of.

I have nothing against young well behaved children being included in situations where good behavior is expected, like during a wedding ceremony in a church, or at a pricey restaurant. I DO have a problem with clueless parents who refuse to remove their ill behaved children from such situations. In that respect it is the parent''s fault more than the child''s. If kids are running wild at McDonald''s, fine, it''s a kids place...if a screaming kid is interrupting an expensive anniversary dinner at a nice restaurant, then I am not going to be too happy about it and rightly so. Parents need to realize their kids antics are not cute to everyone around them.

I agree. Although my DH and I did have a ban on children at our wedding/reception. It was non-negotiable. As it should be for this bride-to-be.


(I was trying to appear less curmudgeonly in my first post.

)

No problem Holly...I was just explaining my original post further too... And if couples don''t mind kids running amok at their weddings, more power to them too...just wasn''t for me.

 

[mayachel]

Umm...I think your friend has been hanging around the three year old set too long. Seriously? Crying when you said no? I''m going to give her the benefit of the doubt and suggest she is clearly overworked and stressed out so she failed to see when she was crossing a line.

You have explained your end, now stick to it. She''ll get over it-hopefully.

 

[Kaleigh]

Stick to your guns. No kids means no kids no matter who''s kids they are.

She must have jumped the gun and got her daughter all excited to go to your wedding. Big mistake on her part.

Hope it all works out for yoiu.

 

[soontowed]

Date: 9/14/2009 3:55:55 PM
Author: Elmorton
Just some ?s for background:

Is this wedding out of town? Is mom/bridesmaid a single mom? Would childcare be difficult for her to arrange? (ie, Grandma is the only babysitter and Grandma is also invited to the wedding, so mom is freaking about trying to figure out an overnight babysitter).

Since she is a member of your bridal party, I could see trying to make some accommodations for her if it would be difficult for the BM to make these accommodations for herself. For example, if the wedding was out of town, and I was a single parent, no, I probably wouldn''t want to leave my kid at home over the weekend with a babysitter I didn''t know well. Or, if it was out of town, and I was using vacation time/using the wedding as a vacation, I might want the entire family to be included, meaning I''d want my kid to be there, too - she might be freaking out as to what to do with the child while she''s doing her BM thing (or heck, maybe she is trying to get un-bridesmaided!).

The only exception I made to kids at my wedding was because my Grandparents rarely, rarely see their great-grandchildren, and I don''t even know if my great-aunt had ever seen anything other than photos. Because I had so many family members traveling far distances, I didn''t want to exclude my cousins'' children, because I knew that for the elderly family members, while they were there for my wedding, they were really there to see the whole family together. I wanted it to be special for them.

I mention this because I wonder if there is someone/a group that mom desperately wants to show off her kid to? I''m just wondering what the motivation here is..other than ''Suzy wants to come see a wedding!'' because that''s just silly.

Her mom lives about 20 min. away from where I''m having the wedding so that''s not an issue.

 

[purrfectpear]

I''m sorry to break this to you, but that girl is not your friend.

Guilt. Plain. Simple.

No friend uses guilt to attempt to force someone she cares about to cave into her. In her world it''s all about HER and what SHE wants. So much for your special day huh? Kick her to the curb.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Okay...am I following...

She wants to bring her daughter.

You''re not inviting children.

If her daughter cannot come, she''s not coming either.

Meantime, you don''t even want her in the wedding anymore.

Okay...I guess I''m confused because it seems to me that the problem has more or less solved itself. You''re not having children present, period. And she''s not coming because of that, and that''s a blessing for you because you don''t want her there anymore anyway.

I think at this point you just need to tell her she''ll be missed, but life (and your wedding) will go on.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

I totally agree with everyone else, she is way out of line. A three year old is developmentally capable of looking forward to an event, but her mother would need to make it sound exciting enough for her to look forward too.

One of my co-workers recently got married, and his now wife''s MOH had a 2 year old and she was a single mother flying a cross country. He was in the wedding, so he was at the ceremony. But there was a no kid policy at the reception. So she drove the child to my place (and the ceremony and reception were at the same place so she had to leave), and dropped him off. She seemed to have no problem with it, and offered me money (although I didn''t take it because I thought is was my "wedding gift" to the couple). At the end of the night, she told me she was kind of sad to leave him at first, but once she got back, she really enjoyed her "adult time."

I think there is always a work around if there is a no kid policy, it may just take a little work.

I think the behavior of your friend is immature and inexcusable.

 

[soontowed]

Date: 9/15/2009 1:10:50 AM
Author: LtlFirecracker
I totally agree with everyone else, she is way out of line. A three year old is developmentally capable of looking forward to an event, but her mother would need to make it sound exciting enough for her to look forward too.

One of my co-workers recently got married, and his now wife''s MOH had a 2 year old and she was a single mother flying a cross country. He was in the wedding, so he was at the ceremony. But there was a no kid policy at the reception. So she drove the child to my place (and the ceremony and reception were at the same place so she had to leave), and dropped him off. She seemed to have no problem with it, and offered me money (although I didn''t take it because I thought is was my ''wedding gift'' to the couple). At the end of the night, she told me she was kind of sad to leave him at first, but once she got back, she really enjoyed her ''adult time.''

I think there is always a work around if there is a no kid policy, it may just take a little work.

I think the behavior of your friend is immature and inexcusable.

Honestly it''s not about leaving her kids, she does it all the time. She wants them there so they can somehow seem special that they got to go and no other kids did. I''ve come to the conclusion that it is all about her getting attention.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Date: 9/15/2009 1:15:09 AM
Author: soontowed

Date: 9/15/2009 1:10:50 AM

Author: LtlFirecracker

I totally agree with everyone else, she is way out of line. A three year old is developmentally capable of looking forward to an event, but her mother would need to make it sound exciting enough for her to look forward too.


One of my co-workers recently got married, and his now wife''s MOH had a 2 year old and she was a single mother flying a cross country. He was in the wedding, so he was at the ceremony. But there was a no kid policy at the reception. So she drove the child to my place (and the ceremony and reception were at the same place so she had to leave), and dropped him off. She seemed to have no problem with it, and offered me money (although I didn''t take it because I thought is was my ''wedding gift'' to the couple). At the end of the night, she told me she was kind of sad to leave him at first, but once she got back, she really enjoyed her ''adult time.''


I think there is always a work around if there is a no kid policy, it may just take a little work.


I think the behavior of your friend is immature and inexcusable.

Honestly it''s not about leaving her kids, she does it all the time. She wants them there so they can somehow seem special that they got to go and no other kids did. I''ve come to the conclusion that it is all about her getting attention.

Well than, only the last line of my previous post is relevant