days, weeks, years

[Buena Girl]

Just something I was thinking about the other day:

It''s funny to think back to the beginning of my relationship with my b/f and remember thinking "wow, we''ve only been dating for a few months but it feels like I''ve known him forever". The first year of us dating went by relatively slowly. I was always amazed at how short of a time we had been dating. It seemed liked eons before we celebrated our 1 year.

The second year went by a little faster, but not by much. I was in the process of making up my mind if he was "the one".

Our third year went by really fast! It was also when I started to catch e-ring fever.

We are well into our fourth year, and I feel like I blinked and the months flew past. And still no darn ring! I wish that I could have that same feeling as I did in our first year when time went slowly. For me, I think it would make waiting for an e-ring a little easier. I feel very stressed some days when I realize how many months have slipped by and I am not engaged yet.

p.s. I am also 99% sure b/f has not purchased an e-ring yet

 

[Erin]

I know what you mean. It seemed we just knew we would be together forever very early in the relationship. Now that our 4 year anniv is in about a month I''m thinking, how long does a guy have to ''know'' before he does something about it

 

[nytemist]

Buena-

I feel your pain. We made 4 1/2 years at the beginning of this month and it seems the first couple of years plodded along and we got to know so much about each other, spending time doing the little romantic things together and all that. Third year was the wake-up year, asking myself (and him) if there was a real future between the two of us. Towards the end of last summer is when he first mentioned the M word. This 4th year, (we started dating Feb of 2001) seems to be flying since I''ve gone back to school and he said we''d be getting engaged this year. I''ve been looking at ring styles, but will contain myself and not tell him what I like exactly for another month or so, so I don''t wait FOREVER for it. By then, it should only be about a 3 month wait if he keeps his word.

Please don''t get discouraged. The waiting is damn near impossible, especially when you''ve been together for so long. Women start to feel as if they are just spinning the wheels in place- Lord knows I do. Have you had a recent talk with him about the time already invested in your relationship and where it is going? Sometimes guys need a blunt reminder of how unpleasant limbo feels.

 

[Buena Girl]

...
Have you had a recent talk with him about the time already invested in your relationship and where it is going? Sometimes guys need a blunt reminder of how unpleasant limbo feels.

Actually, we did that recently and it led to 2 pretty big arguments in one weekend. We have little disagreements and fights every once in awhile, but we almost never have full blown arguments. I have been a bit discouraged since then. We''re cool now (we only argued those 2 days about it) because we have come to somewhat of an understanding. Basically, he just keeps saying, "Don''t worry babe, I have it under control"

I think he might procrastinate until the end of the year

On my timeline, I would like to have been engaged by now. I''d like a 2006 wedding (preferably October) and I do not want to do any planning until I am actually engaged. The longer I wait, the more stressed I am about not having enough months to plan a wedding. I would feel more comfortable if I had at least a year to plan!

 

[nytemist]

Wow... mirroring what happened with us. Too weird.

We had been having small clashes over the same issues over and over and I left it alone for a while. Then we had a knock-down, drag out a couple of months ago. It was scary for a while, not knowing if we would continue, but it finally broke a wall for us.
Maybe he does have a plan in the works, or he''s trying to put a plan together. Who knows? It''s hard because who knows what ''...I have it under control'' reallly means.

Keep your chin up.

 

[elephant]

Hi Girls! I was reading over your posts and thinking about how familiar that sounded. I feel your pain. There were many times when I didn''t think that my bf (oops! Fiance!) and I would make it through those times. We really don''t fight about ANYTHING, but we definitely had some knockdown dragout fights about this. Basically, I had to tell him to not make me use the nuclear option. I gave him a deadline and if after that deadline, we were not engaged, I was moving on.

And some people might see this as harsh, but he loved our relationship and told me that he had no doubts that I was the one, but someone just needed to light a fire under him? It''s just that men will go with the status quo until the status quo is no longer available? So, now we''re engaged and he tells me all the time how he can''t wait until I''m his wife and we''re married, etc.

This might not work for everyone, but I feel like it worked for us. And now our relationship is better than ever! So, if I were you, I wouldn''t be afraid to do that! Just my two cents! I know how frustrating it can be!

 

[mtleaves]

I had a talk with my bf last night. We''ve talked about marriage but never really seriously and lately he has been bringing up a lot more. Well it''s really been stressing me out and it seems like we''ve been having stupid arguments a lot more. So last night I told him I wanted to have an open discussion about marriage without him feeling like I''m pressuring him. He told me that he knew we are going to get married. Great! That makes two of us. So I asked him when he wanted to get married. He said a year or two. He asked me when I wanted to get married and I said less than a year (I''m thinking next spring). I have this whole horrible guilt thing from my parents about living in sin and my relationship with my family is very important to me. Anyways I also told him I want to look at rings together when he''s ready so he can have an idea of what I want. That was it, that was our whole big talk I''d been stressing over. Even though we don''t agree on when we want to get married (I didn''t expect us to) I feel so much better just having talked about it.

 

[DiamondLover23]

It took my husband a little over 5 years!

And I didn''t exactly get a regular proposal/engagement, I got "OK I''m ready to elope now."

(I always wanted to elope, so that was fine with me).

 

[Croí]

I am so sympathetic to your plight ladies.

At the time when the ball got rolling for us, I was not even thinking of marriage a lot but I knew I did want to (hopefully) experience being a mother someday and, for me anyway, I was more interested in knowing he would be open to having more children (he has two already) than if he wanted to marry again.

That day in October when we were at the Paradise City Arts Festival and he took me into a shop looking at e-rings ........... I was FLOORED !!!
Once I got over the shock though, I was a maniac.

Thankfully I found PS within a few weeks of this event and had the support of the LIW''s right away. I really felt like there was something wrong with me because getting engaged and married was ALL I could think of and it was really hard to control how much I wanted it. I also saw no reason whatsoever to have a long engagement. For me, I would have married him in my slippers after falling out of bed in the very next morning ! In the ''girl'' sense I did want a wedding but what I really wanted - more than anything - was for him to ask me to be his wife. It was all well and fine that I *knew* that was what he wanted. I wanted to hear those words ........ hear him ask me to be his wife and spend our lives together.

Like yourselves, he reassured me that he had it all under control but that didn''t help me much. For a while I rode the wave of frustration but then I realised that I was only going to experience this ''pre'' time just once, that once he DID ask, it would all be over ... so I kind of changed my tune and started enjoying the torture of it (strange but true) where something he''d say in passing would put my radar on edge and I''d wonder " will it be now ? " and then it wouldn''t happen and I''d laugh at myself.

When he finally did ask it was perfect, if not as he had originally planned. We were having a very emotional (I was in tears - not sad, just hugely emotional) discussion about our lives and our dreams for the future and I think it hit him how much I REALLY wanted this; to marry him; and not just wanted it but needed it and craved it and he asked me right there and then. No ring but I didn''t care.

Hearing him ask me to marry him ............. was the most beautiful thing. So amazing.

it was worth the wait !!!

I know it''s excruciating sometimes but you won''t get this time back again so try to change your focus. It worked for me and I was really glad I managed it because now I have fun memories of that time, not just frustrated ones.

GOOD luck to you all while you are waiting - we all have our fingers crossed for ye.

*hugs*
C

 

[jcrow]

i am going through mixed emotions too. although we have been together a year and to most that''s so short, i am getting a little flustered. I feel that i waited for so long to find The One. He''s finally here. So what are we waiting for??? actually i do know what- the ring, or more so- the money for the ring.

i never never never thought i''d be That Girl. you know= the one who wants the ring so bad, wants to be engaged to move forth with the wedding plans. And I don''t want to be that girl. but- i am not getting younger. And i know it''s some selfish reasons- want to still look young and thin for the wedding and all. but some not so selfish ones - like wanting my 80 year old grandparents to be here and for them to know and see how happy their only grandchild is with her One.

and there''s the year to plan a wedding thing. i don''t want The Place and The Church to be booked!! at least i hope for a fall wedding. That should give me some time... Then there is also always a winter wedding...

 

[ammayernyc]

Date: 8/11/2005 9:35:56 AM
Author:Buena Girl
Just something I was thinking about the other day:

It''s funny to think back to the beginning of my relationship with my b/f and remember thinking ''wow, we''ve only been dating for a few months but it feels like I''ve known him forever''. The first year of us dating went by relatively slowly. I was always amazed at how short of a time we had been dating. It seemed liked eons before we celebrated our 1 year.

The second year went by a little faster, but not by much. I was in the process of making up my mind if he was ''the one''.

Our third year went by really fast! It was also when I started to catch e-ring fever.

We are well into our fourth year, and I feel like I blinked and the months flew past. And still no darn ring! I wish that I could have that same feeling as I did in our first year when time went slowly. For me, I think it would make waiting for an e-ring a little easier. I feel very stressed some days when I realize how many months have slipped by and I am not engaged yet.

p.s. I am also 99% sure b/f has not purchased an e-ring yet

Um, I think we can interchange our names. Our stories are almost identical!

 

[MissAva]

Come now argueing is fun.

I know how ya feel BG. NYtempist and I started dating our respective men at the same time (Feb 2001).
Honestly I get upset everytime some bubbly girl runs up to me to show me her new left finger and the couple has only been together a year or less. It is evil of me but I just want to shout "This is not fair!"

I felt the same way about the whole first year thing... I swear I jsut keep going why not now, this exact moment would be perfect in my head.
I dont want to talk about it anymore I just want to be his last name to be mine.
My guess is he just wants you to have that perfect shining moment and he is working on making it real.

 

[ammayernyc]

What pisses me off is the whole committment issue.

It''s all, sure I love you, sure I want to live with you, sure I want to plan things with you, but um, marry you? Not so sure. What seems to be the issue here. If you know you want your future to be with me, why is this such an issue!

 

[Buena Girl]

Just thinking about it all makes my head spin! I don't know if it is a committment issue per se with my b/f, it's more of a committment of money issue. The best he could explain it is that he finally had paid off his vehicle and has nearly paid off all of his school loans. This is the first time in his life that he has been able to save up lots of money. Kind of a nest egg. I think the bottom line is that he sees the ring and a marriage as expensive and he would feel like he is taking a step backward from what he has accoplished so far. Probably all of his nest egg would be spent on ring and wedding. He abhores debt and has never owned a credit card.

And speaking of girls running up with new e-rings, I just cannot believe how many people I know in real life who have gotten engaged recently!?! This summer, two co-workers proposed to their g/fs, plus some of my college friends! All of which who have been dating their SO's less time than my b/f and I. I am starting to lose some of my sincerity. One of them even said, "How long have you and *his name* been going out? I know it's longer than my fiance and I". GAGHHH...


ETA: jcrow- I have also become "That girl"

 

[jcrow]

secretly-me too.

 

[ammayernyc]

Date: 8/11/2005 2:36:58 PM
Author: jcrow
secretly-me too.

Ditto...

 

[nytemist]

I think this is my stop to get off the train!
Seriously, with us it isn''t the comittment issue. We had that talk and got on the same page- finally. It''s not even the money issue; he is more of a fanatical save than I am, it''s how he finances his ebay splurges!

It really does make me mental when people I know that have not been with their SO''s not even half the time I''ve been with mine get engeged/married. Of the 12 close friends I grew up with or was in grade school with, 9 are married. Then there are co-workers and casual friends too- since Aug of 2004, there has been at least one wedding a month of someone I know, only skipping January!!!

Since he asked if I knew what ring style I wanted, and I had thought about waiting to show him- I guess it''s now up to me? Just realized that it makes the situation different.

 

[jcrow]

nytemist looks like you''re prayers are about to be answered then?? It''s got to be right around the corner!

 

[cutes814]

I know how you feel BG....

Sam and I were together for only 11 months before we got pregnant with Alyssa. I didn't expect him (or want him) to propose just because we were having a baby together. I knew I wasn't ready and neither was he. After the baby arrived, both of us felt ready for marriage and we agreed to get married before Alyssa turned one. It never happened. So now we've been together for 2+ years, have a child together and still no proposal!

We had many "talks" about it and it lead to heated conversations because he felt the heat. So we stopped discussing it for awhile, since he promised me we will get married before the end of 2005. Well, it was already May and still no proposal. One day he calls me from work saying he had good news and bad. Good news was our friend Kat (his younger brother's ex-gf was engaged). That was also the bad news. He felt extremely bad because when him and I started dating, Kat was still with his brother! They broke up, she started dating another guy and now they're engaged!!! And we aren't even engaged! He felt horrible as he gave me the news, but I wasn't angry. I was extremely ecstatic over the fact that our good friend is engaged! (Secretly I was also happy that he felt bad

)

Now it's August, our setting is picked out, diamond is chosen and the ring is being created! So everything worked out.

Guys just work on a different time clock than us. Maybe your bf does have something working....sometimes men can be very sneaky at this stuff. Hang in there. He seems promising from what you've described. Maybe you should light a fire (just a tiny one) under his butt and get him moving. Don't let the negative things take over you. Give him his space about it, but never let him forget about it. Just briefly mention it to him here and there, esp when things remind you of it, i.e. tv shows, other friends getting engaged, etc.

I hope he's secretly shopping for a ring right now. Take care!

 

[jcrow]

ah milly, so there''s hope!

I hope he''s shopping too! hehe

 

[nytemist]

jcrow- I''m certainly hoping so! It''s only Aug, so he technically has 4 more months to propose. Makes me think... takes some time to have a ring made. Maybe I should tell him soon. Hmmmmmm, my b-day is in Oct

Milly- I''m happy that things did come together, even if seemed pretty strained for a while.

Buena- we are all strong here and on certain levels, know how you are feeling. It''s tough, since the guy never really seems to get that feeling of ''oh, does he doubt this? Is that why I''m waiting so long?'' If I had a dollar for every time I wanted to strangle BF for making me feel that way...

But sometimes the clue phone starts ringing for them on it''s own. He may need to nudge to go pick it up!

 

[Misato-san]

ah, i feel so much better reading your post cuz I''m totally in the same boat.

Our four yr anniv. is in about 3 months.
I found myself getting disappointed like a week ago that it might be too late to have a sept 2006 wedding. I also want at least a year to plan. I''m like if it takes this long to get an engagement together, how in the world can we plan a wedding in 1 yr. I hate bein stressed out about it. I don''t wanna feel like i''m pressuring him to hurry but i''m sure that''s what i''ve been doing.

waiting sux but you''re not alone.

 

[fountainfairfax]

I am having flash-backs reading this thread....my ex-husband & I were together over 6 years when we got married and we only had a 7 month engagement (can you tell I was in a hurry?)

I remember what it was like to watch people we introduced to each other get engaged wayyyyyyyy before us ( I also remember after about 4 years crying hysterically in our bathroom because we had gotten yet another call from a happy couple.) When we finally did get engaged it was almost "by default"- I had gotten accepted to grad school in Chicago and he freaked..."grad school? I thought we''d get married" me: "oh yeah? when?" him: "next summer." not exactly my dream proposal

we actually waited another 4 months to announce it while the ring was designed and we had the chance to go back home to our parents, where he officially proposed in my parents living room Christmas eve as we were rushing out the door to get to his house. and from that point to this day I found myself envying the women who got romantic, suprise proposals. who don''t have to cry & wait & wonder....which turns to more tears, more waiting and even "nagging"- which in no-way echos our dreams.

I wish we all could be in relationships where engagement and marriage were natural steps that all parties agreed to without extended, drawn-out and uncomfortable struggles & waiting.....I think that so many men think they have all the time in world, that we''ll just be sitting here waiting....maybe they''re right

To date, I have never had the courage to walk away from waiting & wondering. Had I done so with my first husband my life would have taken such a different course.......

 

[goldengirl]

I really relate to this thread.

Our first year ...well, it didn''t DRAG by, as that implies unpleasantness, but I got that same feeling of "Wow, has it only been 6 months? It seems like we''ve known each other forever."

This second year has been a mix. Sometimes I feel the same as I did the first year, and sometimes I''m shocked at how fast the time has flown by. And then sometimes it hits me, like: wow, we''re not engaged yet... so much for a Fall ''05 wedding.

I get that "I''ve got it under control, babe," line, too. He also likes to switch off between implying nothing''s going to happen soon and hinting that he''s up to something. I was always the kid that sneaked around and peeked at Christmas presents and I get really frustrated not knowing what''s going on. Sometimes I wish he''d just give me an idea to stave off the constant wondering.

I hate being That Girl, too.

 

[jcrow]

i know what u mean. and now that i found this site, i keep giving pieces of info i keep learning about diamonds. i am probably drivng him nuts...

 

[ksomerville]

I''m so glad Buena Girl started this post so I know there are others in the same boat and I''m glad I found this forum. I''ve posted a few times on Rocky Talky because my boyfriend let me pick out my diamond and I had questions. So I know he bought the diamond I chose and I know when he bought it but that was a month and a half ago! Patience is really not one of my strong traits and I''m getting frustrated that it''s taking so long. Like jcrow mentioned in an earlier post, I''ve waited a long time to find the One and I''m not getting any younger. I know it''s bad but I''m definetly a planner and I feel like there''s so much depending on us getting married. I don''t want to buy a house with him until we are married and I obviously want to be married before having kids. Plus, I compromised on my religous beliefs by moving in with him before marriage. Anyway, I just had to vent because I''m trying really hard not to let him know how frustrated I am....I''ve already slipped a few times.

I just keep wondering why he would postpone the proposal knowing my personality, but then I''m sure a lot of ladies wonder that same thing.

 

[Buena Girl]

Ladies, it is wonderful to know I am not alone in this! Thank you

A lot of things that you all listed are like a checklist for my situation:
Driving my b/f crazy with diamond stats. check
Arguing with him because I am frustrated. check
etc.
etc.

I just really wish that he wasn''t in such a stalled mode. I thought we had made so much progress in the right direction. And now nothing. For months he has done nothing.

I slipped up the other day and vented a little to my close girl friend at work. She was like, "you are starting to lose it". It really sucks being that girl!

 

[ksomerville]

I''ve seen a couple of my now married friends go through this same phase where they eventually turn into that girl. It just made me wonder, why does everything have to be done on the guy''s time frame. If you think about it, typically it''s the girl waiting until her guy is ready for marriage and then we have to wait some more for him to decide it''s the right time to propose. Then we are supposed to act a certain way, pretend marriage isn''t really important to us, not put any pressue on them, etc...seems like a game to me. It just occured to me today that the guy has so much control in this situation....what if we took the control away and proposed to them. Ha ha! Of course I wouldn''t really be happy with that but it would be kind of funny to see the look on his face when I stole his thunder.

 

[Erin]

<------- That Girl

How did it happen?

In one sense I like the tradition of having a man propose but in another it''s antiquated and unfair for him to have all the control.
Is this the way it''s supposed to be? He holds out long enough for me to consider moving on because I can''t waste my life away waiting to see if he will or won''t do it - and just as I''m picking up the phone to call U-Haul he proposes? But then again I have a four year relationship with a guy who''s had a ring for a looooong time so maybe I have more reason to think drastically.

 

[MissAva]

Date: 8/20/2005 6:05:02 PM
Author: Erin
<------- That Girl

How did it happen?

In one sense I like the tradition of having a man propose but in another it''s antiquated and unfair for him to have all the control.
Is this the way it''s supposed to be? He holds out long enough for me to consider moving on because I can''t waste my life away waiting to see if he will or won''t do it - and just as I''m picking up the phone to call U-Haul he proposes? But then again I have a four year relationship with a guy who''s had a ring for a looooong time so maybe I have more reason to think drastically.

I am Right there with you...I am tired of being "that gir" I am also tird of my friend hinting that I ought to move on while I am still young enough to attrack some one.

/

Do you ever just want to say something nasty when someone bounces over after dating the guy for three months to annouced you engaged and "look for your invite in the mail, we are going to have the best time". I swear it takes more will power not to lash out then, then it does to avoid cheese fries. I guess part of that is that every girl who gets engaged around me makes a comment about my not getting any younger.
I love my SO I swear I do, but I am this close to have a shouting fit and showing him all the little notes other girls have given me so he can understand.
Besides I am not that old...(I feel like a petulant 3 year old).