Dealing with flaky friends

[MichelleCarmen]

I'm going to be totally honest here about my own perceptions on people who flake and break plans....

This isn't meant to offend anyone, rather it is my own thoughts.

I don't take people who are flaky seriously (and I'm not saying flaky once in a while). Not ever. For a million and one reasons.

I cannot stand when people break plans, it drives me up the wall and I tend to cut those friendships out of my life fairly quickly when I see that the individual is a flake. I want no part in that. I can honestly say that none of my friends are flaky because any that were flaky, I've stopped talking to.

.

Yep, same. I've cut out all of the flakey friends out, even, unfortunetly my sons' friends. I simply will not deal with the BS. Worst was when one mom told my son she wanted to take him skiing on X day and then never followed through. Same mom promised a movie on X day and then never called back (she made both promises with my son RIGHT THERE!). These events happened a few years back and I totally re-directed my son away from the kid and NONE of his current friends are like that.

Overall, the main issue we have is the flakey relatives we cannot cut out. The empty promises of movies, new clothes, buying toys that NEVER happen. If someone tells me they're going to take my kids to do whatever, I do not take them seriously. What pisses me off is when they promise kids, face-to-face, and then do not follow through.

I have to say the worst is backing out on holidays!

 

[Haven]

This is really interesting to me because I think I can come off to my friends as flaky in this sense:

I don't often like making plans ahead of time. I'm not this way because I'm anti-social or I don't love my friends, rather I'm this way because I am really committed to doing certain things in my free time and I'm unwilling to give those things up in order to have plans with friends. Call me selfish, but I need the time to do these things in order to feel happy and fulfilled, and if someone can't respect that about me, we can't be friends. (I'm talking about things like writing a certain # of pages for my book, reading, spending time with my husband and our pets, doing whatever creative outlet I'm enjoying at the moment, being active, prepping or researching for my classes, etc.)

My schedule is unpredictable because I teach and I do committee work for my college, and I never know how much time I will really have to spend doing those things. I can't tell you *now* whether I'll be able to meet for dinner next Wednesday because I have no idea what will be on my plate on next Wednesday, and if it's so much that I have to put off doing some of the things I really value and need to feel balanced, then I won't be free on Thursday or Friday, either.

Call me selfish, and if I am I'm okay with that, but I need to take care of my needs if I can be a good friend to anyone, anyway. My closest friends know this about me, and it's never been an issue, and I imagine that's why we've remained so close. They also have a lot of interests that they pursue on their own, and maybe that's why we are so tight.

All that being said, I never cancel plans that I do make unless something unavoidable comes up, and I am rarely late. In fact, I'm usually the one sitting there alone waiting for my late friends to show up. This is why I never go anywhere without a book. I do make dinner plans ahead of time with my two closest girlfriends, and that's because spending time with them is one of those things I need in order to feel balanced.

 

[Autumnovember]

This is really interesting to me because I think I can come off to my friends as flaky in this sense:

I don't often like making plans ahead of time. I'm not this way because I'm anti-social or I don't love my friends, rather I'm this way because I am really committed to doing certain things in my free time and I'm unwilling to give those things up in order to have plans with friends. Call me selfish, but I need the time to do these things in order to feel happy and fulfilled, and if someone can't respect that about me, we can't be friends. (I'm talking about things like writing a certain # of pages for my book, reading, spending time with my husband and our pets, doing whatever creative outlet I'm enjoying at the moment, being active, prepping or researching for my classes, etc.)

My schedule is unpredictable because I teach and I do committee work for my college, and I never know how much time I will really have to spend doing those things. I can't tell you *now* whether I'll be able to meet for dinner next Wednesday because I have no idea what will be on my plate on next Wednesday, and if it's so much that I have to put off doing some of the things I really value and need to feel balanced, then I won't be free on Thursday or Friday, either.

Call me selfish, and if I am I'm okay with that, but I need to take care of my needs if I can be a good friend to anyone, anyway. My closest friends know this about me, and it's never been an issue, and I imagine that's why we've remained so close. They also have a lot of interests that they pursue on their own, and maybe that's why we are so tight.

All that being said, I never cancel plans that I do make unless something unavoidable comes up, and I am rarely late. In fact, I'm usually the one sitting there alone waiting for my late friends to show up. This is why I never go anywhere without a book. I do make dinner plans ahead of time with my two closest girlfriends, and that's because spending time with them is one of those things I need in order to feel balanced.

Haven, I don't think any of that is selfish *at all*. If your friends know that you are super committed to a lot of various activities, then they know what to expect and they know that you can't make plans "right here, right now." I think it's different when people will say that they will be coming out for something and then never show and they are known for consistently behaving that way.

I have a lot of friends who are really busy with....well....life...and I am fully aware of that and I don't ever expect them to constantly want to make plans or be able to make plans when *I* want the plans to be made. We go with the flow but they also don't promise to come out somewhere and then ditch me or break plans.

 

[zoebartlett]

Gypsy -- I don't think it's a matter of flaking occasionally. It's the consistency factor. If someone (especially a close friend) told me they'd do X (whatever we had planned) and kept backing out, especially at the last minute, I'd begin to question the friendship after a while. To me, that says that the person doesn't care enough about me or the friendship to hold up his/her end. Plus, it sends a message to me that says that the person doesn't value my time either.

I've had friends like this, and not to sound like an 8 year old, but my feelings have gotten hurt. I put a lot into my friendships. I know things come up and plans need to be cancelled, rearranged, whatever, once in a while. I'm talking about time after time of thinking I could count on someone only to be disappointed. I believe this is what BEG's referring to (not to put words in your mouth though, BEG, so correct me if I'm wrong.)

I agree that if someone is consistently disrespectful of your time and your feelings then you need to re-evaluate. All I'm saying is... sometimes you need to speak up and let someone know that they are hurting you. If they are your friend, maybe they were oblivious and will stop and change, or maybe they don't change and then you know where you stand.

And you don't sound 8 hon. I get it. And I've felt that way too.

Gotcha and I agree. I do think it's good to let your feelings be known.

 

[zoebartlett]

Haven -- I don't think what you wrote sounds selfish. As you said, it works because your friends know how you do things and they're cool with it. I have friends who I go out with and we don't tend to make plans too far in advance. I have other friends who I make plans with far in advance because that's what they prefer and I'm okay with that. I tend to like planning things a week or so out but I can roll with it.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Well - we had a girls dinner set up (my BFF from out of town and my flaky friend). Guess who had to change plans again because she was running late? (House contracting stuff)

We had a talk with her about it tonight at dinner, telling her that we were concerned because well, she lets her family walk all over her. Her parents don't help - it really does seem like her older brother is the favorite child (and he doesn't live in the same town) so whenever he's in town, both he and her parents bring a lot of force to bear on my friend to go with his/their plans. But of course, she also lets them. We told her we just want to make sure she's looking out for herself too, because it's clear she's being walked all over.

She totally acknowledged that she was a doormat, basically, for her family. But she also closed herself off - it's clear she's not going to change things.

We (the three of us) are supposed to do a girls day trip on Thur. out of town. We're going to a city that's about three hours away. She wants us to leave at 8 to get there at 11, and then leave THERE at 2 so that she can be back in time for family dinner. Because her family will be pissed at her if she misses or is late. She actually can't even confirm though if she CAN go at all. Btw, I am driving. So my other friend and I have decided that we're going on our own, and we're not going to come back early, and if she has a problem with it, she can either work it out with her family about being late/missing dinner, or not come. :shrug:

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Gypsy -- I don't think it's a matter of flaking occasionally. It's the consistency factor. If someone (especially a close friend) told me they'd do X (whatever we had planned) and kept backing out, especially at the last minute, I'd begin to question the friendship after a while. To me, that says that the person doesn't care enough about me or the friendship to hold up his/her end. Plus, it sends a message to me that says that the person doesn't value my time either.

I've had friends like this, and not to sound like an 8 year old, but my feelings have gotten hurt. I put a lot into my friendships. I know things come up and plans need to be cancelled, rearranged, whatever, once in a while. I'm talking about time after time of thinking I could count on someone only to be disappointed. I believe this is what BEG's referring to (not to put words in your mouth though, BEG, so correct me if I'm wrong.)

Yes, this it it.

To address everyone else, life gets in the way, and that is fine. We ALL have moments where we need to reschedule, or be tentative, or have to cancel. But doing so time after time after time... that's just inconsiderate in my book. Also, doing so when you don't NEED to it - also inconsiderate. You know?

 

[Allison D.]

I have a flaker friend, too, and I've just learned not to make plans with her. She's a wonderful acquaintance; I enjoy her company if we happen to be together at the same time, but I don't go out of my way to see her or keep up with her because of the flake thing.

As many others have mentioned, though, I don't consider a random cancelling of plans to be flaking. Everyone has stuff come up and being flexible is part of being a friend. For me, it's more about pattern of behavior. If someone cancels far more frequently than they follow through, that's flaking in my book and that's the point at which I stop putting energy into connecting with him/her.

What totally cracks me up is when the flaker gets upset because others flake on him/her. It's always interesting to me that most of them decry lack of dependability in their friends, but don't see it in themselves.