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Deciding to work when DH would love for you to stay home

NewEnglandLady

NewEnglandLady

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2007
Messages
6,299
DH and I had a baby two months ago. She's awesome, I am completely head over heels for her. I'm supposed to go back to work in a month. I'm going through the same emotions that millions of other new moms experience...some excitement about resuming my old responsibilities and a lot of sadness about leaving baby girl to go back to work.

I'm not super career-driven, but I like my job and worked hard to get where I am. It pays well and provides good benefits. The bigger issue is that I'm insecure about money and am freaked out the thought of giving up my income.

D is supportive of me going back to work. He knows why I want to. Also, we're leaving the baby in great hands, I joke that the new babysitter is 100x better at raising kids than I am...she has her master's in early education, has been raising kids for 30 years, she's super maternal, you get the idea. So she's great. But I know he'd still prefer that I stay home with the baby.

I'm afraid that my mom guilt + knowing my husband's preference is going to wear on me. I'm afraid that as soon as I have a bad day at work I'm going to think "I don't need this" and want to quit.

I'm hoping that other PSers who decided to work and pushed through those hurdles might chime in. I don't want to start a working vs. staying home debate. All moms are riddled with guilt no matter what decision they make. I really want to give going back to work my best effort.
 
NEL I'm not exactly in the same position as I have to work.

I will say that while not all mothers go through guilt returning back to work, most do and it's normal. One thing I will tell you is to make sure you have a good method of managing the stress. A lot of times moms returning to work try to take on so much at work and at home that they easily break down. In my personal experience, I spent a lot of time thinking about my daughter while at work and thinking about work while at home. I was either guilty about not being home with her or guilty about not giving it my all at work. It lead to a breakdown. You just can't be in two places at once.

There's a phrase that's popular amongst corporate HR: Be Here Now. When you're at work, focus on work. Doesn't mean forget your child exists but just keep your head focused on work. When you get home, focus on home.

Above all, don't be afraid to ask for help or a break from work (long weekends, vacations, etc.)
 
Hi, NEL! I have a friend who faced a similar situation six years ago.

She's a reading specialist, she had worked for about ten years in her school district, and was terrified of leaving her job to stay at home. She had the same fears you have, plus the additional fear that she would be bored staying home.

Well, her husband really wanted her to stay home, and she relented and chose to quit her job to become a SAHM.
She was miserable. It took her four years to find another position, and even then she had to take a pay cut when she went back to work. (The school wouldn't give her credit on the pay scale for all ten years that she had taught. This is typical.)

ANYWAY, you could have a very different experience, of course, but I wanted to share a story about someone who went against her desire to continue working and really regretted it. I feel like most people talk about the opposite happening, so it's nice to hear something from the flip side.
 
If you have a good income, and your husband wants a stay at home parent, then that would be his role, no? Why not have him stay home for a few years? My husband was a SAHD in his first marriage, and is thinking of doing that again in a year or so, when our daughter goes to primary school (they go from 9.30 to 3pm so it's either a parent at home, or child minding to fit around it, which neither of us are excited about).

Alternatively, can you take a career break or sabbatical? I don't want to be a SAHM, but neither did I want to leave an infant with anyone else, so I took extended maternity leave. I realise that's more likely in Europe, but is there an arrangement you can make with your company to take a bit more time? ETA I don't do guilt, but being with my baby 24/7 in the first year the resuming my work role gave me the best of both worlds. I have to take issue with the idea that mothers are riddled with guilt. That doesn't sound healthy, and I'm pretty sure no one expects that fathers will be, so I don't care for the idea one little bit. We have a shared responsibility for all aspects of parenting, so no one feels disproportionate guilt or pressure and no one has to make a compromise too far. A silent preference for you to make a huge sacrifice here would make me deeply resentful, if I was in your position.
 
Thanks, ladies!

Fiery, you're so right about focusing on work while at work and family while at home. So much easire said than done, though, right? I'm very guilty of not being able to leave work at work. I think it's just the nature of my job. There is always a huge project on the horizon, so if I'm not focused on a current project, I"m thinking about the next one. And while I love my client, there are some firedrills and it's hard to say "I can't stay late to help you with this". But thems the breaks!

Haven, what you describe is exactly my fear. I don't want to step back for a few years and then feel like I have to crawl back to where I am now. I do think I'd be slightly bored at home with only one child. Being on maternity leave has been an amazing break from work, but I'd be lying if I said it was as much work. I've tackled a ton of home projects that have been on my "to do" list for months (or years in some cases). I got rid of the dog walker so I could get more exercise (I just put Katie in her Ergo and she LOVES being outside). By the second week of being home I was itching for something to do. So I can't say that caring for Katie fulfills all of my needs. I mean, babies sleep. A lot.

What do you think you'll do when the time comes...and it comes quickly! :)

Jennifer, even though I am happy with my income, D makes significantly more than I do. If we lived on my income, we'd have to make significant sacrifices. And the man is TERRIFIED of even changing a diaper (he's attempted several times, but has yet to successfully change one on his own), so I think he'd be the worst stay-at-home parent ever, haha. He's super smart and loves her more than anything on earth, but he's freaked out at how small and "breakable" she is.

I do have a plan to set me up for success. I'm only going back part-time (three days per week) this summer. My plan was to go back full-time in the fall, but HR told me that if I wanted, I could only work 4 days per week and just take a 20% paycut. I want to see how I feel at the end of the summer before making a decision.

In my case, I will feel guilt no matter what I choose. Either mom guilt if I work. Or mom guilt + financial partner guilt if I don't work. Because working = more for Katie + my husband not stuck paying off our mortgage on his own. Not that he would care, he would be happy to. But I care. We all just want to do what is best for our families and sometimes that decision is really hard!
 
NEL, I know it's a hard decision, but the way I see it is that you are really lucky to have the option and a DH who supports your decision! And the fact that you get to go back part time at first should give you the best of both worlds and give you a chance to decide where your heart really lies. If I were you, I would stick with your plan and see how it goes for awhile. I have several friends who went back to work after the first baby, but then when the they had their second or third, they decided to stay home. Maybe that's what you'll decide to do.

I wish I had more of an option like you do to go part-time or take a little extra time off after my baby is born, but DH has his own small law firm, which means he doesn't have benefits, so we get those from my job. Obviously, we could get insurance on our own, but it wouldn't be as good and it would cost a lot more. Right now, my entire income goes toward retirement or other savings, and we've lived off of his salary, so we are in a lot better financial position than many people, for which I feel lucky, but if I were to quit my job, we would not be getting ahead much at all anymore and he would have to work longer hours and be home less. And then there's the fact that DH's sister owns a really nice daycare/preschool right next to my husband's building where the kids get Spanish lessons, computer lessons, art history lessons, kung fu training and many other benefits that I, as a stay at home mom, probably wouldn't be able to offer, and she has said our children will go for free. So I feel like I have even less justification for staying home.

Argh, it's such a tough decision, and I feel for you. Hoping that you feel more at peace with your decision when it times to back later this month.
 
If you stay at home you might hate it after 6 months too, and then how would you go back to work once you left?

There is no "perfect" in life. You can choose to feel guilty or not.

As an aside and as totally unsolicited advice, you need to leave you daughter alone with your husband for a good 3-4 hours and GO AWAY. Let him learn to parent in all its glory. His terror of changing diapers is cute now, but it might not be so cute in a few more months. Especially once you are back to work, you need him to be an equal partner in the chores of parenting ;))
 
Jennifer W|1335859471|3184628 said:
If you have a good income, and your husband wants a stay at home parent, then that would be his role, no? Why not have him stay home for a few years? My husband was a SAHD in his first marriage, and is thinking of doing that again in a year or so, when our daughter goes to primary school (they go from 9.30 to 3pm so it's either a parent at home, or child minding to fit around it, which neither of us are excited about).

Alternatively, can you take a career break or sabbatical? I don't want to be a SAHM, but neither did I want to leave an infant with anyone else, so I took extended maternity leave. I realise that's more likely in Europe, but is there an arrangement you can make with your company to take a bit more time? ETA I don't do guilt, but being with my baby 24/7 in the first year the resuming my work role gave me the best of both worlds. I have to take issue with the idea that mothers are riddled with guilt. That doesn't sound healthy, and I'm pretty sure no one expects that fathers will be, so I don't care for the idea one little bit. We have a shared responsibility for all aspects of parenting, so no one feels disproportionate guilt or pressure and no one has to make a compromise too far. A silent preference for you to make a huge sacrifice here would make me deeply resentful, if I was in your position.
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I happen to agree with all of this. I took 10 months leave with both my kids. I am jumping for joy that I return to work in one week! :appl:
 
Monkey, I do think that having another would probably tip the scales for me. And I think having a toddler and a newborn would probably be enough to eat up any downtime I have now :)

Also, because my part-time work is temporary, my company is keeping my benefits. I'm not saying you should call your boss and demand to go part-time, but if you have your baby and reeeeally want temporary part-time to be an option, your company might work with you.

Our situation sounds the same as yours--live on DH's salary, but we have my benefits. If I were to quit, we'd have to go to D's company's insurance and he'd have to start contributing more to retirement to make up for what I have been putting in. And not having the stream of money going to savings is tough for a financially insecure person like me! And I had no idea that your SIL owns a daycare, how great is that?? I totally agree about the benefits. I feel the same way about K's babysitter. In addition to all of the learning activities, I feel like Katie will be learning lessons about how to share and treat other kids...especially as she becomes a toddler a new baby starts.

So excited for you!! You're looking fabulous, by the way (saw your pic in the preggo thread).

Dreamer_D, you are absolutely right about co-parenting. D is moderately obsessive compulsive and has anxiety around his fears of hurting Katie by accident. It's very frustrating for him, so I genuinely feel bad. He's now about to feed and burp Katie, which took time to accomplish. He's even dressed Katie after her bath the past two nights, which I thought would be more challenging than the diaper change. It did cause him some anxiety (which can be exhausting for me), but he did it. Next is the diaper changing. She's a kicker, so he has a very hard time holding her legs without feeling he's hurting her. I am leaving her with him for 3 hours in two weeks, and at the end of the month, he's watching her on his own for 2 days when I go back to work. So he has a goal. He really wants to be able to take care of her without my help, but his fears make it challenging.

Oh, and Dreamer, you work from home, right? Even though it's impossible to watch the kids while working from home, it is nice to have the flexibility of working from home!
 
I know deep down DH would love for me to be a SAHM. I was one for my DD's first 2.5 years. I feel that was a great experience and I am glad I had that chance, but I knew deep down I needed more. I think it is a personally choice and only you know what is best for you.
 
NEL,

I think the title of your post is very telling. I believe that the decision to work or stay at home (finances permitting) has to be 100% the decision of the person that is staying at home. I know very many happy stay at home moms, but all of them stayed at home by choice. It is a very personal decision and not one that anyone should feel pressured into. I would be absolutely miserable staying at home and my DH knows that, so he would never ask (happy wife, happy life). My advice would be, if you planned to go back to work, do that and do not make any rash decisions within the first few weeks you are back. I cried when I left my daughter at daycare the first week and told my DH I did not want to go back to work. If I had acted on my feelings in those first couple of weeks and stayed home, I would be miserable now. Give it a couple of months before you make any major decisions, that will allow both you and your DD to settle into a routine. If after a few months you are miserable, it sounds like you have the option to decide to stay at home and you can make that decision at that time with a clear head.

Also, a huge ditto to Dreamer on the idea of leaving DH alone to take care of the baby for a few hours. He can do it and it will make your life 1000% easier.
 
NEL--I have NO IDEA what I'm going to do.
I feel very much like you do on some accounts--I know I'm extremely lucky to have my job. I sat on this year's search committee, and that was the most humbling experience in the world. I kept thinking, "How did I get this job?" I'm not being humble, I'm being REAL. So, if I do decide to stay home, I don't think I'll ever be able to get my job back. NEVER EVER.
So, there's that.

And I really love what I do. DH doesn't think I'd be happy staying at home, so I don't have an issue there. Before we even decided to TTC I chose to teach an overload for the fall so I could get away with teaching only 3 classes in the spring. That way, I'll only have to be on campus two days a week. Of course, now I'm not sure I'll be able to come back in the spring at all, esp. if I have the baby at the end of December. I'm so confused, I have no idea. (If I don't return in the beginning of the term I have to take the entire term off, not just 12 weeks.) Well, after writing this out I think it's pretty clear that as of right now I don't want to leave my job. The big decision will be whether I'm going to go back right away or take a semester off.

I hope all of this great input from PS mamas helps you decide!
 
Hi,

If you think you will be bored being a long-term SAHM and will be more fullfilled, go back to work. You had said you're afraid your "husband's preference is going to wear on" you, then imagine what it'll be like IF you do stay home and feel like you picked that path because you were concerned about making your DH happy? This could possibly make you feel a bit resentful (or maybe not...just a thought).

I say go back to work though...there is nothing wrong with doing so and keep in mind that at any point, you can resign from your job. You're lucky that you have that option (financially), so try out going back to work and see what happens.
 
Haven, so if you go back (and it sounds like you are), you'll be on campus 2 days per week? That doesn't sound so bad--it was good planning to take on more in the fall so that your spring load could be lighter. Then are you off during the summer or do you teach summer classes?

And I share the same feelings about my job. I interviewed somebody before going on maternity leave and literally said in the interview "Are you kidding? I want to offer you MY job because you'd be better at it than I am". I'm just glad my team and client miss me instead of dreading my return!

MC, your suggestion is exactly what I'm going to do. Give working a fair shot and just see what happens. D is supportive of me going back--he knows it's probably the most logical solution. But he says his mind is at ease during the day knowing K is home with me. And every couple of weeks he checks in to see how I'm feeling about going back to work. Once she starts with our babysitter, I think he'll start feeling just as secure.

Novemberbride, I am committed to staying three months. It's part-time, it's summer (usually slightly less hectic) and I will be fine. I'm hoping that after those first few months I'll start to get into a groove and the tough days will be manageable. And if I'm consistenly unhappy after that point, I'll reconsider. It's reassuring to know that it's normal to be sad and cry initially, but that it gets easier.

Tacori, you're in grad school, right? It's great that your husband is supportive of work AND school. It is nice knowing that D supports me no matter what. Still, this is a decision I'm making without really taking his opinion into consideration. That sounds mean, it's not that I don't care what he thinks, it's just that the pull to be a SAHM doesn't come from him. It's the gummy smile that K is giving me right now as I type this.

Thanks again, all. Reading the PS mamas experience and advice is helpful. Even though I'm not alone and many women go through this, it's still tough!
 
Hell no I'm not teaching summer school. I did that for nine years and I have paid my dues! :cheeky:
Two days a week is not bad at all. This would only work if my online reading class runs, if not I'd probably have to be on campus three or four days a week, but shorter days. Either way, it's not too bad. I plan on doing this overload in the fall thing forever, I am always so exhausted by spring. DH works for himself and sets his own client schedule, so if I only work two days a week he could just stay home those two days, which would be great, too.

I hear you on the thinking someone else could do your job better. I sat in those interviews thinking, "I want to take his class!" We had just about 300 applicants who met all of our basic qualifications, and every single one of them was so impressive. And the candidates we called in to interview? They all blew us away. I feel like an imposter.

Anyway, back to the thread . . .

I really like Jennifer's recommendation--why can't DH stay at home? Is he at all interested?
 
DH is still the breadwinner. Staying home on my income = cutbacks and no savings. Staying home on his puts us in a better financial position. Plus, his obsessive compulsive disorder makes him extra anxious around Katie. He's constantly afraid of hurting her. If he were to stay home, he'd probably have a heart attack from anxiety. And NEITHER of us would get anything done because he'd call every few minutes to say "Hon, I picked her up and I'm afraid I did it too quickly. She made a noise. Should I take her to the ER?" Then I'd spend an hour calming him down. The man loves her to bits and wants "30 more", but I think he will fare better when she's older and less scary.

And ha, your "hell no to summer school" line made me laugh pretty hard. At least by the time you have to go back to the heavier fall load, your baby will be about 9 months old! And how great is it that your DH can watch him/her during the spring? That's perfect!
 
:bigsmile:

We're in the same boat, NEL. I could stay home and we'd have to cut back our lifestyle. DH could stay home and I'd have to take on a second FT job.

I don't know if I am obsessive compulsive, but I do suffer from regular fears about the well being of our pets. (DH and I have already discussed how having a baby will either put me over the edge or help me conquer some of the anxieties I feel.) I have this ritual I have to do before leaving the house--see each pet, check a list of certain potentially dangerous items/situations in the house, see the animals again, check the front stoop to make sure they didn't run out. If I don't do it, I feel a lot of fear about their well being, and I will often turn around and go back home to double-check. Sometimes I go back because I'm 98% sure I checked everything, but it's become so routine that I don't fully remember each step. I'm not even going to tell you how many emails I *want* to send to our dog trainer whenever we're out of the country. I don't send all of them, but when we were in Ireland he finally responded, "SHE'S FINE! ENJOY YOUR TRIP. Assume all is well until further notice."

I guess what I'm saying is I wonder if I will be like your DH with the baby. I did a lot of babysitting growing up, some of it for two or four weeks at a time up at a sleepover camp, and I don't remember obsessing then. I'm hoping having a baby will make me better, not worse. We shall see!
 
NEL - I'm not sure what you do for a living. Forgive me for not knowing. lol! I can't keep track of everyone. Is there any way you can work PT? As a SAHM, I personally think that working PT grants you the best of both worlds. You get to be around adults, make some of your own money, and maintain your work status/keeping your resume & skills in tact, but you also get to spend time with your child. I've been a SAHM for since my first was born and he's 11 now and can say it's actually tough...for me it's mostly a matter of motivation. It gets a bit tedious and my house is disorganized & all that because I just am not into cleaning and I'm not that much of a homemaker. lol! I've worked PT here and there but nothing long-term and always have felt that it pumps me back up, but when I am away too much, I start to get flustered because I do all the house chores, etc. It's the type of thing that if both DH and I worked FT, I'd still do all the house maintainance, cooking, cleaning, laundry... etc.

I did get a PT job offer that I'm waiting on...this may solve part of my feeling a bit of a slouch and allow me some spending money, but DH isn't too keen on the position. He's so much not into it that he's offering to set me up an art studio so I can work on my creative side and hopefully sell on Etsy and maybe commission with local shops.... Sorry, okay, not to go off on my situation, just to clarify that being a SAHM still means you need YOU time and if working makes YOU feel more complete, then it will make your family more happy. I've found that being an exclusive SAHM can only last so long before a woman needs to explore herself again. Keeping skills in tact can aid that!
 
Haven, my husband is the exact same way before leaving the house. He checks the doors, then the oven, then checks to make sure the dogs are inside (like Byron is going to get up and walk out of the house, haha). I have a little song for him that goes "Check, check, double check, triple check, check". We've turned around many a time. We also turn around anytime he hears something in the car because he fears he ran over an animal. His real fears are around hurting anything, though. So that's why caring for Katie is intimidating. Honestly, having Katie has helped him. His desire to hold her and be able to care for her overrides his fears. We are both surprised at how much having her has made him better (instead of worse).

MC, trust me, I don't expect you to know what I do. You'd need a photographic memory to know every PSers job! I work for an ad agency. I won't be able to truly advance in my career if I just worked part-time. But if I'm really happy with part-time and hate going back full-time then I probably could do some contract work for my company. I'd lose my benefits, but DH would just take those on. It's not a great option, but it's still an option. Sometimes I wish I'd considered positions that woud allow me to work part-time indfinitely. Maybe a physical therapist or something like that.
 
You've got great advice already. I am a working mom (out of home) and we could survive on DH's income but it would mean some drastic changes. DH doesn't have a problem with me working though (not surprisingy, lol.).

Dreamer is right, it really is a question of practicality - you will need to return to work, give it a year, and then ask yourselves the questions at that point. And if/once you leave, it is much more difficult to get back in. The first months back you will swear you should be at home. Many quit at that point - I always suggest powering through that emotional phase. Then it'll get easier. And then (for most) you start to be grateful you stuck it out so that you have 1) some independence and 2) an outlet that is all yours.

Not everyone operates this way though, but many working moms do. Most of my firends say they'd go crazy being home 24/7.You're lucky you have options though. I definitely am thankful to have continued working--so many more choices as a result (and investments towards the future) plus I'm a better mom during the times I am home because of it. Of course the details matter too: flexiblity of your hours, commute, the stress level of your job,etc. By the sounds of it (and from what I remember - you didn't switch jobs b/c of this) - your company is very flexible and that is huge in a working mom's life.

Interesting on your DH, hopefully he can work through it. Babies are not as fragile as they seem, and even as they get older, the worrying does not go away.
 
janinegirly|1335906967|3185018 said:
You've got great advice already. I am a working mom (out of home) and we could survive on DH's income but it would mean some drastic changes. DH doesn't have a problem with me working though (not surprisingy, lol.).

Dreamer is right, it really is a question of practicality - you will need to return to work, give it a year, and then ask yourselves the questions at that point. And if/once you leave, it is much more difficult to get back in. The first months back you will swear you should be at home. Many quit at that point - I always suggest powering through that emotional phase. Then it'll get easier. And then (for most) you start to be grateful you stuck it out so that you have 1) some independence and 2) an outlet that is all yours.

Not everyone operates this way though, but many working moms do. Most of my firends say they'd go crazy being home 24/7.You're lucky you have options though. I definitely am thankful to have continued working--so many more choices as a result (and investments towards the future) plus I'm a better mom during the times I am home because of it. Of course the details matter too: flexiblity of your hours, commute, the stress level of your job,etc. By the sounds of it (and from what I remember - you didn't switch jobs b/c of this) - your company is very flexible and that is huge in a working mom's life.

Interesting on your DH, hopefully he can work through it. Babies are not as fragile as they seem, and even as they get older, the worrying does not go away.
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This a million times over. I think it comes down to the company you work for and your ability to have a real work/life balance. Because the second you start to feel like your work is taking over, it will be hard to stay. My schedule is very up and down, I've gone three days straight without seeing LO before because I was in a stretch of work that required me to stay late. But it was never a surprise and I was able to take days off in the following week to make up for it. If it had been a matter of staying late last minute it would be hard to swallow. That goes for calling in sick too. My baby is a sick little guy and goes to the doctor all the time. My work has never made me feel guilty for taking time off to care for him, go to the doctor, etc. So a lot will come down to how family friendly your company is.
 
Well, I had the opposite problem :bigsmile: In my heart of hearts I wanted to stay home but DH was unemployed so I had to go back to work. :bigsmile: ...and my "new baby" was a 2 1/2 year old...and I liked my job but HATED my unsupportive and very negative/hostile work environment.

DH stayed home with B for the first 3 months after my maternity leave was up and then I ended up starting a new job in Jan. B started daycare 3 days a week and DH was home with him 2 days a week, and then in April B started going 5 days a week to daycare.

Easing in this way really helped us and I can say unequivocally that if I could work part-time I would be much happier; however, my new job is a MUCH more family friendly environment and it makes such a huge difference.

I think that you'll know after 3 months what you want to do.

Hopefully we'll welcome another child into our family in the next couple years...with my new job and a new daycare provider (B starts a new daycare next week and I can't wait, she's awesome, affordable, and flexible...like a gift from heaven...seriously!)...I feel much better about working FT. If I can swing reducing to part-time in the next couple years I would totally do it, but right now that's not an option for our family.

Good, affordable daycare and flexibility at work (just a little flexibility makes a HUGE difference) really helps the balance.

The decision to stay home should be yours, and part-time could be a great option. I really think it will be clear after the summer.

Good luck finding the balance that is right for you and your family!
 
Janine and Kunzite, I know you are both right about it being hardest in the beginning. Janine, I was actually thinking about you when I made the decision that I would definitely give it 3 months. I knew you struggled in the beginning and were glad you pushed through. And Kunzite, the fact that your employer is so flexible is fantastic.

I feel like my current team and client are both flexible. Nearly everybody on my team is a parent, so they understand needing flexibility. I admit that sometimes the non-parents can get frustrated with the parents. Two other moms on my team leave at 4pm, then work from home later in the evening and sometimes the non-parents get frustrated that they can't schedule 4 or 5pm meetings since most stay until at least 6. But it's rarely a big deal. I'm more worried about being transferred to another client. Some of our financial clients can be VERY demanding and not flexible at all and in that case, I'd be in a bad situation.

Bella, I'm so glad that you'v found a new job that is more family friendly. I remember when you were trying to figure out your maternity leave rights at your old job because they had nothing in place. That whole ordeal must have been so stressful. With a new job and (soon) new daycare, you will be in a much better place mentally!
 
NEL: just to add, by "power through those first few months", I'm talkig about getting past the emotional stage when you might make decisions you later regret. Once you leave, it's difficult to get back in the workforce, and definitely with same seniority,etc. Switching clients or leaving on time every day are better goals to work on in the short term - something has to give.

And another detail that is important (other than flexibility, commute and stress level) is your childcare provider. If it is someone or some place you feel fantastic about then that alleviates alot of guilt.
 
NewEnglandLady|1335891484|3184850 said:
Tacori, you're in grad school, right? It's great that your husband is supportive of work AND school. It is nice knowing that D supports me no matter what. Still, this is a decision I'm making without really taking his opinion into consideration. That sounds mean, it's not that I don't care what he thinks, it's just that the pull to be a SAHM doesn't come from him. It's the gummy smile that K is giving me right now as I type this.
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Yes, I am. I will be done in December! :appl: He IS supportive. Extremely, and I know he is very proud of me. However, I also know if he had his choice I would be a SAHM. That's how we both were raised. I don't think following your heart is mean. If you want a career then no shame. No judgement. You are showing your child a great example on following your dreams. If you stay home that is also a great example for your child. There is really no blanket answer. I was not happy as a SAHM. I felt trapped and I didn't want to start resenting my child or my DH for a life I had control of, my own. So I made some changes and I know in many ways it was the right decision for me. Hope you can figure out what your right decision is soon. ;))
 
Hi NEL! I am a SAHM and it works for our family but only you can figure out what works for your family. What I usually tell my girlfriends that are going through the same confusion as you is this...."It's easier to go back to work and see if being a working mom is right for you...then decide. It's easier to quit a job then be begging for it back"
 
NEL,

i am a sahm now (w 3 kids under the age of 6) but worked full-time until my 2nd was 2 years old. i loved my job and had amazing childcare and frankly, was dying to go back to work after my oldest was born. it was the right decision for me at the time, and my husband was (and still is) incredibly supportive whether i worked or stayed home. after my 2nd was born, i found it harder to go back to work, not because of the baby but because my 3 year old was becoming such an interesting little person and i wanted to spend more time with him.

now that my oldest is in kindergarten, i think it's so important for me to be involved in his education, activities, etc. he really enjoys my company (and i, his) and i think now is such a critical time in his life for me to impart values, teach right from wrong, build his self confidence, etc.

i miss the adult interaction, intellectual challenges, etc of my job but this is the right thing for my family right now. i emphasize the "now" part because i wouldn't be surprised at all if i went back to work when my youngest (who is 1) is in school. but i don't know; this journey with the kids has been so amazing and has gone by so quickly -- i can't believe my baby is already 6.

and yes, my husband is thrilled that i am home for many reasons (it certainly makes his life a lot easier as he had to do a lot more to help me out when i was working).

based on what you've written, i would suggest going back to work and giving it a shot; you have nothing to lose and can quit at any time. and you may decide to do it anyways later down the road; you just have to see how things go.

good luck.
 
slksapphire|1336064456|3186688 said:
NEL,

i am a sahm now (w 3 kids under the age of 6) but worked full-time until my 2nd was 2 years old. i loved my job and had amazing childcare and frankly, was dying to go back to work after my oldest was born. it was the right decision for me at the time, and my husband was (and still is) incredibly supportive whether i worked or stayed home. after my 2nd was born, i found it harder to go back to work, not because of the baby but because my 3 year old was becoming such an interesting little person and i wanted to spend more time with him.

now that my oldest is in kindergarten, i think it's so important for me to be involved in his education, activities, etc. he really enjoys my company (and i, his) and i think now is such a critical time in his life for me to impart values, teach right from wrong, build his self confidence, etc.

i miss the adult interaction, intellectual challenges, etc of my job but this is the right thing for my family right now. i emphasize the "now" part because i wouldn't be surprised at all if i went back to work when my youngest (who is 1) is in school. but i don't know; this journey with the kids has been so amazing and has gone by so quickly -- i can't believe my baby is already 6.

and yes, my husband is thrilled that i am home for many reasons (it certainly makes his life a lot easier as he had to do a lot more to help me out when i was working).

based on what you've written, i would suggest going back to work and giving it a shot; you have nothing to lose and can quit at any time. and you may decide to do it anyways later down the road; you just have to see how things go.

good luck.
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slksapphire - thanks for chiming in. I've often thought this -taking time off once #1 is in full time school (1st grade) for the reasons you pointed out. For some reason it's important to me to be there to pick her up after school, rather than rely on after care (we all have our own priorities I suppose). I do think it'll be hard to return after though (for me) b/c #2 is 3 years behind and that'll add up to quite a long break from work. But at least I know I'll keep working for the next 3 years and just keep thinking about how this willl all pan out. At the very least I plan on scaling back quite a bit in 3 yrs. Be curious to see how things unfold for you in the next few years - I assume the financial impact has been minimal in your case which is nice too.

Sorry for threadjack NEL!
 
lizzyann|1336003992|3186150 said:
Hi NEL! I am a SAHM and it works for our family but only you can figure out what works for your family. What I usually tell my girlfriends that are going through the same confusion as you is this...."It's easier to go back to work and see if being a working mom is right for you...then decide. It's easier to quit a job then be begging for it back"
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I think that is the best idea; I have a friend who was torn and did that and realized she rather be home and then another friend who went to work and enjoyed work, etc.
 
Not a threadjack at all, these responses are so helpful for me. I've often thought that I'd probably discontinue working after #2, but the timing is a factor. It may be that I'm okay with working for a year or so after the next is born. Or more. I don't know. Our babysitter will take 2 from one family (so long as there is an opening), but D and I have also talked about getting a nanny if I choose to keep working after #2. So I know all of the feeling I'm experiencing now will resurface with another. And I just like hearing what to expect and how BTDT moms have felt.
 
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